Partner has new relationship

[NuttyNathalie]

My DD a couple of months ago accidentally stumbled across evidence her dad was in a relationship with another woman. DD immediately told me and all hell broke loose. We got the number from his phone and I called her. She dodged every question and then hung up. 2 minutes later DP calls me and tells me never to call his "friends" again. I told him we knew about his OW. He was out at the time but immediately drove home to confront me. He told me we had never had a relationship, I was just the mother of his children. He had found someone that accepted he had children and lived as a family unit. He won't ever leave us or move in with her but loves her and is in a relationship with her. I had a complete breakdown. Smashed my hand through a window, had anxiety attacks and lost the will to live. I was at rock bottom and had to go into hospital. Was put on Diazapam. I have 2 DC. 8 and 11. They witnessed the whole thing and I know I'm a terrible mother for letting them see and hear everything. I was just so lost. I went to stay with my parents for a week but the kids wouldn't leave their home and school even though they hate their dad. I realise it's their stability so I moved back. He still is in that relationship with the OW. She knows what happened and I think she was actually glad I had walked out. My partner is very controlling and he owns everything. I have no job and no money. I'm trapped. I recorded him on a tablet when I was doing the school run saying to her on the phone that he wanted the relationship to last between them and to work towards marriage! He told me and the kids he would never leave us. We are a family unit. We come first. It doesn't feel like that. He hardly spends any time at the house. Just sleeps here during the week and stays with her during the weekend. He is her boss. He owns a shop and she works there. She is nearly 20 years younger. 3 years younger than me. We don't have sex since I confronted him but he sometimes comes for cuddles when things are rocky in his new relationship. He tells me he can't have sex with me but wishes he could but the OW is insecure. We are going on a guilt holiday tomorrow booked by him but he will spend all his time texting and talking to her as she is very angry he is taking his "family" on holiday. I want to be angry but I just feel so sad, lonely and lost. My kids both have councilling at school and I'm not on any medication. That made me feel weird. I just want to pretend it's not happening but my mind won't rest. I'm trapped.

How is your relationship with the DCs ? Do they dominate you too ?
Do you really think they would prefer life with your P, & OW in the horrid home than leaving with you? or is that just your trampled ego that says that?

I just don't understand why you'd give them the choice. You say pack your bags, we're leaving. That's it.

mix has a point - maybe you're so downtrodden that your DCs walk all over you as well? They could learned from your partner's example All the more reason to get you and them out.

Thinking about it my DD would leave with me but she would miss her friends and old life. I know they would come with me if he moved her in. I have a very close bond with my DC. We all talk about everything together. They only come to me with their problems. They go to their dad for material things. They even don't like doing that. They more often than not ask me to ask him. He's never around anyway. We have to text him.

They are only comfortable and relaxed around me. It's the same with his family to be honest. Not that I see them either. My family on the other hand can go months without seeing my DC and when we finally can meet up its like we've always been together. Relaxed, calm and loads of fun. It's just scary for them. Their dad has a very strong hold on them and they are frightened to defy him. No one relaxes when he's around.

I meant it's scary for them to leave their family home and come with me to my parents.

It's so sad to read this, OP. Your children are frightened of their father Please save them sooner rather than later.

Op I've been reading through the whole thread when I got the chance today. Sorry if this has already been discussed but is there any way you could move with do back with/near your parents? They seem supportive, you could get a job there, maybe they could help with childcare? Your do might protest but they would get used to it.

P has frightened OP, she is worried he will go for custody & in view of her "crashing in flames" after she discovered he had an OW. Which is why she needs to see GP, & make sure she gets some councilling/help, so when she moves out she can prove that she is not "nuts".
The threat over the children, is often bluster & more controlling, but a classic part of the separating from an EA
I think you would swiftly find that your kids thrived, & loved the extra family, once they were able to shake off their father's shadow thrall

I can't say this strongly enough: you had a bad experience with your local Women's Aid. This is not how they are. If I knew who it was I'd report them!

You NEED women's aid now. Call the helpline and get into the system. A WA support worker knows how hard it is to get out, how it takes time. Your situation is even more fraught than most. You have been groomed by a predator from the age of 16, totally isolated andtotally financially controlled by him. Your situation is severe. I think posters are getting the wrong end of the stick here - shaming and berating you doesn't help.

Though I have to say this is NOT a MLC. The predator has moved onto his next victim - another young girl he can totally control.

The Freedom Programme is everywhere - definitely in N London. Try to get along to the course, it is better than doing it online. Not only will you meet others in a similar position but the well trained and sensitive facilitators will support you and hope your hand through this process.

You have a lot of work ahead. He kept you in a prison and you have been abruptly sacked. You have a lot of things to learn in a short time. He was your world - he set it up like that, completely controlled and brainwashed you - it is no wonder you catastrophically imploded when he pulled your life out from under you very suddenly.

You have a good head on your shoulders and, whether you realise it or not, you are showing great mental clarity. That's not easy with what you're facing so take credit for that. I have absolute confidence you'll get through this - but it's going to take time bcs of how conclusively, totally, he has controlled you.

Keep going precious

Great post springydaffs!

Those poor kids. Stop this self indulgent shite and start putting them first!! Your breakdown doesn't make you a bad mother, but allowing them to live under these conditions is getting pretty damned close!!

Don't give up the day job moggie

If posters would just rtft: op has been totally controlled from the age of 16. Totally. Her ex has all the cards, op is effectively a prisoner, akin to modern day slavery. Not an exaggeration.

If she could she would leave with the kids right now. But if she left with the kids her ex could apply to court to get them back - he would succeed. If the kids were asked right now where they wanted to live they would say the house they are in. Op is effectively trapped with this monster at this moment.

Because she is not married - he made sure of that - she has practically zero rights legally or financially. Getting away from an abuser is usually a very difficult process - but op has it worse than the norm. And the norm is pretty bad. It's going to take a process to extricate herself and her children; using and utilising DV agencies to build a case to prove his extreme control over her and their children. She's not going to be able to do that in a day.

It's not straightforward. It's also not self-pity.

Excellent valuable posts springydaffs

OP you sound a little bit stronger by engaging your anger. Keep posting.

Do you think you could try ringing WA one more time while he is away? You'll very likely get connected with a different person than the one before.

I understand this is all overwhelming for you. Think of one tiny step at a time.

Can someone please tell me why I have this urge to find someone for myself..?

?? Don't know what you mean ?

Have you enrolled on the Freedom Programme?

I mean find myself a new relationship too. Even just male company. Will look at freedom programme now.

Yes I've just double checked and there are 4 places in London. All South London.

That's great . Have you emailed them all to see if they have a place on a course starting soon ?

South London I'd impossible for me to get to. I'm so far north I'm practically sitting on the M1. Typical!

get the train, your children are out all day at school......

Do it online instead then. See your GP - find local counselling. Phone WA. Do something proactive.

Nat- it's your self esteem fighting back! Hopefully you're subconsciously trying to revalidate the fact that you are worth far more than this shit tip of a relationship. It's great.....but I would put it on a back burner for now - the priority is getting you and the kids out of this situation. Do not fall into the trap of starting a relationship with AN Other so he can find out and beat you with it like a stick.
I see why you don't want to move out, so do the next best thing and leave him emotionally for now. Do NOT be the old blow up sex toy/rag doll for cuddles. If he complains-ask him to find you one person to agree (except OW) that it's a reasonable request. He'd be screwed.
Brilliant idea about getting a job, you will not believe how much this will empower you, you'll also interact with other adults and maybe make some pals along the way. You've basically been brainwashed and imprisioned to think that this is all pretty acceptable. It's not.
Little steps, these will all build you up to be ready and fighting fit when the day comes.

Is the freedom programme online good? I'll try anything. As for not entering a new relationship, that's not a problem because I don't know any men. But I do find myself looking. My self esteem is rock bottom anyway. Not many would be interested in someone with my problems. My "P" says I can have relationships but he knows it would be impossible. He makes it that way. Won't look after the kids. Or actually he said I can when the kids are at school... er.. like that would happen. And just to reiterate, we had sex once. I doubt it will happen again. He won't even text me while he's with her. He's too worried she'll find out and finish it with him. I'm going to pull away emotionally. For my own sanity and plus it makes me look desperate! Concentrate on the kids and just see what happens doing baby steps. Will take a long time

You know.. I doubt he farts and burps in front of her like he does at home. She might run a mile if he did.. He's quite overweight too and has stupid shoulder length hair that is really thinning on top. To be honest he's not that attractive anymore. I really don't get what she sees in him other than his money. She's a runner and super slim. Not that attractive but pretty enough. She could easily find someone else yet she's chosen a fatty that is slightly balding, nearly 20 years her senior. Oh well, she'll find out soon enough his true being.

You really need to stop dwelling on her, him, their relationship, and start focussing on YOU.

It's quite frustrating to read tbh!

You've had some great advice on here. I'm sure if you follow it things will get better for you.