Partner has new relationship

[NuttyNathalie]

My DD a couple of months ago accidentally stumbled across evidence her dad was in a relationship with another woman. DD immediately told me and all hell broke loose. We got the number from his phone and I called her. She dodged every question and then hung up. 2 minutes later DP calls me and tells me never to call his "friends" again. I told him we knew about his OW. He was out at the time but immediately drove home to confront me. He told me we had never had a relationship, I was just the mother of his children. He had found someone that accepted he had children and lived as a family unit. He won't ever leave us or move in with her but loves her and is in a relationship with her. I had a complete breakdown. Smashed my hand through a window, had anxiety attacks and lost the will to live. I was at rock bottom and had to go into hospital. Was put on Diazapam. I have 2 DC. 8 and 11. They witnessed the whole thing and I know I'm a terrible mother for letting them see and hear everything. I was just so lost. I went to stay with my parents for a week but the kids wouldn't leave their home and school even though they hate their dad. I realise it's their stability so I moved back. He still is in that relationship with the OW. She knows what happened and I think she was actually glad I had walked out. My partner is very controlling and he owns everything. I have no job and no money. I'm trapped. I recorded him on a tablet when I was doing the school run saying to her on the phone that he wanted the relationship to last between them and to work towards marriage! He told me and the kids he would never leave us. We are a family unit. We come first. It doesn't feel like that. He hardly spends any time at the house. Just sleeps here during the week and stays with her during the weekend. He is her boss. He owns a shop and she works there. She is nearly 20 years younger. 3 years younger than me. We don't have sex since I confronted him but he sometimes comes for cuddles when things are rocky in his new relationship. He tells me he can't have sex with me but wishes he could but the OW is insecure. We are going on a guilt holiday tomorrow booked by him but he will spend all his time texting and talking to her as she is very angry he is taking his "family" on holiday. I want to be angry but I just feel so sad, lonely and lost. My kids both have councilling at school and I'm not on any medication. That made me feel weird. I just want to pretend it's not happening but my mind won't rest. I'm trapped.

"Why didn't you let WA help you get out immediately with your dc?"

Because she doesn't feel ready. I've read that it can take abused women a long time to leave - that's because of the huge damage done by years of abuse, the lack of self esteem and fear.

The OP said she does intend to leave him. I don't understand why so many posters are being so pushy about it. It's frustrating when the solution seems so simple, but for the OP it isn't.

Did you read the OP's reponse to the poster who suggested that she needs WA behind her, Emma?

It seems to me that's another avenue she's closed down and if any posters are being 'pushy', which I see no evidence of, it's because they are cognisant of the fact that the OP has 2 young dds who are living in a toxic environment to the extent that they are undergoing counselling because of their home circumstances.

You may be able to countenance the emotional and pyschological harm that has been, and continues to be, done to these young girls but others will find it increasingly difficult to do so if, as is beginning to appear, the OP is merely using this board to procrastinate in the hope that the man she is in thrall to will end his relationship with the ow.

Well from what I've gleaned, the OP has been in the clutches of this man since she was 16. She (sorry to talk about you in the third OP) has missed out on a huge chunk of how to live in the world.

It's very easy to say do this that and t'other but it's harder to do when you don't know or had experience of the basics of leaving home and that's without the added having children to guide as well.

This is a baby steps situation and smart planning so confidence grows.

The OP doesn't appear to have any problem expressing herself and, as she has effectively raised 2 children from birth to 8 and 11 years old alone, I don't see that any productive purpose can be gained by infantalising her.

If she remains in this abusive relationship it's highly unlikely that the OP will be able to build self-confidence by interacting with others outside of the family home because, as she has said, "if he sees me starting to get a life or might have met someone he will change his game and ruin what I've worked hard to do".

The fact is that the OP has been the primary carer for both of her dc since they were born, she has a supportive dm, and she can take up a placement in a WA refuge for herself and the dc where she will be given all the help she needs to claim benefits, apply for social housing, and counteract any attempt her abusive partner may make to claim she is an unfit mother merely because she self-harmed after discovering his infidelity.

Alwayssunny's post at 20.56 on 1 Nov (p 9) makes some pertinent observations. The OP has claimed she will lose her dc if she takes them away from the family home but, given that SS were notified of her brief period of hospitalisation and do not appear to have taken any steps to safeguard the dc from their dm, this would seem unlikely in the extreme and it would be scaremongering to suggest otherwise.

As the OP's partner is squiring the ow around Vienna for the remainder of the week, there is nothing to stop her making contact with WA and moving herself and the dc to a place of safety during his absence. After they have experienced living in a non-toxic environment, I very much doubt the dc will express any wish to return to the family home unless their father is out of it.

goddess I think that is very true. I think OPs husband has told her he will get custody, & she believes him, because she is oppressed by him in every way.

It is true she won't be able to just "snap out of it".

but OP, have you even taken a look at the job centre web site yet? it doesn't matter if you have been out of work for 12 years... there is ALWAYS a way to start work, it may not be highly paid, & it may not be intellectually stimulating. but you could work at a million things, a canteen, check out girl, call centre.... being a mother means you develop many multi tasking skills
People can & do find jobs, because they need to work.
You could start volunteering, but you really need to have some money set aside... HE EVEN DOES THE SHOPPING,
So for all these years you have been ostracised,(another EA box to tick) emotionally & financially abused. You now are humiliated by his infidelity.
He has gone off with OW this week, & was fucking you last week, (oops its a secret)
You are his puppet, I would call WA again, maybe you will get a more empathetic response, or maybe you didn't like what you were being told last time ?) I would have gone home to my supportive parents a long time ago.
If nothing else you can get a name of a solicitor & advice where to look for benefits.

Godessofsmall things I'm so frightened. Please please don't think I want this. I don't. I just feel so vulnerable and I don't know where to begin. I'm utterly depressed and I can't get my head around the fact this is happening. I will get stronger and I will get out but right now I need to get a job and grow up. I'm 31 and haven't had to look after myself. Bringing up the children was just easy for me. It all came naturally. Everything else was taken care of. I've been thrown in at the deep end now and I'm struggling. I haven't lived.

I know he is using this "family unit" bollocks as a just in case. He dangles the carrot to keep me sweet. The odd show of affection. He's using everyone. I know this.

I've just been on the job centre website and applied for my first job since I was 18! I don't care if the hours don't suit or I can't get childcare. Just applying was liberating. First tiny baby step.

Well done, that's brilliant!
Keep applying for things and keep being proactive in terms of doing the other things you need to do: counselling, talking to another solicitor, etc.

Just read through your entire thread. I really do feel for you. I get that after being with him since you were a teen, it just isn't that easy to change things.

Well done on applying for a job! Keep applying. I think you'll feel much better about yourself with a job.

Thankyou magiccatlitter. Fed with people just telling me to leave. Feeling bullied. I will do this but it's going to be a steep learning curve. I'm still so sad but I have to try and fight through it.

I'm also sick and tired of being lonely. Why should he be able to meet someone and me rot in the house day after day? I want to be happy too. If he thinks I'm going to wait for him he is wrong. MLC or not. True love or not with this OW. She is welcome. He'll do to her eventually what he does to me. I pity the stupid naive bitch. He is a cheat and always will be.

"I pity the stupid naive bitch."

That sounds like anger, not pity, to me. Your anger is misplaced, love. You need to get angry with HIM!

I am angry at them both.

Well its difficult not to be angry with OW, who wouldn't be. But yes, its you pain is instigated by P.
But anger is good, anger is the first sign of awakening, & realising that wishing things were better, the ifs, the buts....are pointless.
Yes he is not who you thought he was, Yes it is hard, but you only live this one life. its not a rehearsal.

that's GREAT you have applied for a job (don't tell him yet) keep looking & apply for as many as you can, prepare a CV, get a decent ID photo. prepare a letter of motivation. say you have been a sahm, but you are great at multi tasking, great at organising, prepared to work hard, motivated & determined to get back into the work place & prove that you are invaluable.
there are some jobs here too jobs.mumsnet.com/searchjobs/?Keywords=&radialtown=London+%28Greater%29&LocationId=325&RadialLocation=5&CountryCode=

I actually think you should be grateful to the OW. She is doing a favour by taking this abusive bastard off your hands.

Well done for applying for a job, keep on applying till you get something. Does the children's school have an early and late club that could help you to work?

Lunar1 Thankyou for the support. My DD goes to school and back alone so that's not a problem but my DS' s school does have an after school club. It quite expensive though. I'll be looking into it.

I have been having really dark thoughts about the future. I'm absolutely petrified that he's going to either A. Kick me out soon or B. Move her in. All before I'm ready to go. What do I do if that happens? I don't think he'd do it but I'm not 100% sure. The kids don't ever want to meet her and the house is shite but you never know. Oh god. My head won't stop spinning. The kids would be in turmoil. I don't think they would have any objections about leaving if that happened.

Well, the best way of dealing with that possibility and your anxiety about it is to have a plan about where you would go.

Maybe you could stay with your parents? Maybe you could call Women's Aid or Shelter?

Once you have a plan it won't feel so terrifying. You might actually decide to go through it, rather than waiting for him to kick you out. Take back some control!

Yes I would have to go back to my parents. It's a long way from London but it's where my support network is. I'd have to start my life all over again. Oh I'm so frightened.

If you are eligible & offered housing, you don't get to choose the borough, so you are going to have to accept moving somewhere different.
He is VERY unlikely to move her in, for one, the would have to be OK to move in, & It's a bit of a come down after restaurants & hotels don't you think ? You say he has several other properties, he could set her up there is he wanted, but he hasn't has he !
have you looked to see what benefits you might get ?
Does he have an office at home, are there any documents you can copy of his tax return etc???? he will have to pay maintenance for his children.
It is possible to get out of your situation, you need to start a plan, & get list of agencies to contact. at the very least you can ask WA or citizens advice bureau.

Yes I suppose if he was going to he would move her into his old flat but he hasn't. As for an office, he uses our downstairs toilet as his place to store everything. He keeps it locked at all times and the key is always with him. He sleeps with it tucked in the pillowcase. I never been in. The whole 15 years. I will check out what benefits I would be entitled to but I seriously doubt my DD would move. My DS would.

Is splitting them a bad idea?

" I seriously doubt my DD would move. My DS would."

They are 11 and 8, yes? They are living with an abusive father. As their mother, you have to make the decision for them. They are not old enough to recognise that they are living in an unhealthy environment. It is your responsibility to recognise that and remove them.