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Original poster

Found a text on his phone....

484 replies

Redwhine · 22/10/2015 06:09

DH was on a work night out last night. He got in at two, which was odd. He was very apologetic about waking me. I knew something was up: I don't know how but I did. At five I checked his phone. There were two texts from a girl I hadn't heard of saying " that must not happen again, just back to normal nothing else I'm sorry" then another message saying " reply to this I need closure". I woke him and asked who she was. He looked sick and couldn't speak... He then said she's a girl at work, they'd been flirting for a few weeks. Last night they went off on their own and 'almost' kissed but didn't. At that point our children woke and we had to stop talking.

I feel sick and I can't stop shaking. We have been together for twelve years, married for seven. Our kids are four and six.

Should I believe him? He keeps saying ' I haven't done anything' but what he's admitted to makes me feel sick. Am I overreacting?

OP posts:
Helmetbymidnight · 22/10/2015 12:57

She ended it tho- not him.

I would find that excruciating if I were him.

MoriartyIsMyAngel · 22/10/2015 12:57

Get him to text her. He'll let her know either way. At least it might save on a conspiratorial little meeting at work?

Offred · 22/10/2015 12:59

For me though. I would hope I'd take action to leave as this, without being caught up in the middle of it myself, would be too much for me to recover from and it's ok to feel that way whether he agrees or not - he's obviously got his own self interested reasons to feel as though it is not a big deal.

Joysmum · 22/10/2015 12:59

The big thing here is her planned to be alone with her the second time because he wanted something to happen as he wasn't remorseful or regretful after the first time.

That's not 'nothing'. There's nothing to suggest this was anything other than planned and not the spontaneous mistake he's trying to get you to believe it was.

ILiveAtTheBeach · 22/10/2015 13:00

Well if she has a BF, that's one motherfucking bombshell that I would be dropping on her life asap, by telling him. Angry

ThoseAwfulCurtains · 22/10/2015 13:03

I could understand - though not excuse - 1 drunken kiss and a belly full of remorse.

Between the 2 kisses, he has given himself permission to step outside of the vows he made to you and the ideas of common decency. He has said, yes I can do this - I can put myself in a position where it can happen again and maybe lead to something more.

In the meantime, I expect she's rarely been off his mind.

I'd be asking why he thought he was entitled to do this. If he comes out with bollocky blaming stuff, I'd be tempted to ask why he though it wasn't his responsibility to bring those factors to your attention?

As a PP said, why doesn't your friend like him?

Offred · 22/10/2015 13:11

At this point he could go either way in his response. He has already kept it secret then minimised it and then told you it was nothing.

You were worried up thread that he did it because of your miscarriage.

He may not do this but be very, very wary of him if he starts saying things along the lines of 'I was sad about the miscarriage', 'not in my right mind', 'you were busy being pg/sad' even if he says them with some attempt at remorse or sympathy rather than actual blame.

Even if any of those things are even remotely related to the truth of how he felt, he is entirely responsible for the fact that he made a series of choices to respond to that by investing in a relationship with someone else which not only could lose him his relationship, but his job.

GingerIvy · 22/10/2015 13:23

I think my biggest concern here would be that she stopped it, not him, and that he only admitted it because you forced his hand. Otherwise, I presume he would have been quite happy to carry on with her without you knowing about it. That tells me that he is only sorry he got caught, he is not sorry he cheated. And I too find it very unlikely that it was just kissing.

OwlFeathersFluff · 22/10/2015 13:25

Fuck not being dishonorable at a time like this. I've recently had my fingers burnt by trying to be 'honorable' and 'decent' and wish I'd just stood up for myself more. Find out what is going on through whatever means it takes. You need to know, especially if you are considering ttc again. FlowersCake

Mellifera · 22/10/2015 13:30

It would eat me up not knowing.

I have no clever idea of extracting the truth out of both of them, but I hope someone can help.

Stay strong, OP, don't let him give you more of the minimising crap. Prepare for the 'I apologised, what more can I do? Let's move on,' scenario.

He has not ended it, she did, whatever 'it' was. That is quite shocking.
Great that you have a good friend to talk to, who gave good advice.

chicaguapa · 22/10/2015 13:30

On the one hand you didn't sense something was wrong when he kissed her the first time, so maybe he DTD the 2nd time and that's why things seemed off when he got home the second time.

On the other hand, if he had I think he would have made sure to delete the texts when they had arrived on his way home.

Also once is a mistake but if he had been thinking about her in between and then kissed her a second time, he would have sensed that things had progressed further than a one-off drunken kiss and he was on his way to an affair. So maybe that's why you sensed something when he got home.

Cherrybakewells1 · 22/10/2015 13:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Magpie18 · 22/10/2015 13:42

I believe there are two separate issues - you are in shock as well as the other range if emotions you're feeling. Yes, he made promises to you which he has broken - regardless of how "far" they went - he has to help you in every way possible to come to terms with his betrayal before you decide if you want your marriage to continue. However, why should she be excused any comeback? She is not a kid at 30! I would (did) let her partner know exactly what had been happening. Tbh part of it was revenge but I also felt strongly that I would want to know if I was being cheated on. Please don't think you need to make any decisions in a hurry, you are in for a roller coaster of a ride unfortunately He is at best a dickhead - she is most certainly a twat.

bessiebumptious2 · 22/10/2015 13:42

I think he slept with her and that's why you sensed something when he came home. His initial reaction - looking sick and not speaking - was him trying to process that you'd found out. Then he gathered himself and minimised it.

Really sorry. I think you need to dig a little deeper, because her message reads as though she regretted it and doesn't want a repeat. She sounds a bit immature with the 'I need closure' bit, but you don't ask for closure after a kiss. Until he tells you the truth, you can't even begin to trust him again.

Original poster
Redwhine · 22/10/2015 14:22

He and my friend are very different people... She didn't dislike him, they were polite but I always knew she was my friend, not our friend. That's partly why I went to her... I felt some mutual friends would have felt caught in the middle or felt the urge to defend him, which she didn't do! She called him every name under the sun! She did believe the no sex though.

He has just been in here crying and begging forgiveness. I told him he has broken my trust and I don't know if or when it will return.

I know obsessing about her I stupid but I am starting to feel angry that she has got away with this and I am in despair.

OP posts:
MatrixReloaded · 22/10/2015 14:23

What he's doing is called trickle truth, we didn't kiss, we nearly kissed, we did kiss, we didn't have sex ect. Bits of truth trickle out and each time it does the story gets adjusted.

While he's still in the home he doesn't really have much motivation to tell you the truth. I would make him leave for a while.

Original poster
Redwhine · 22/10/2015 14:26

I can't bear to. I know I'm weak.

OP posts:
Axekick · 22/10/2015 14:28

Don't worry about how she feels or what's happening to her.

I don't agree she is irrelevant, but she doesn't matter to some extent.

How on earth is he going to get your trust back and work with her? What is her planning on doing?

Axekick · 22/10/2015 14:29

You can't bare to make him leave? Try and think about this?

Because you love him and want to fix it, or because you think he will try and go to her?

Offred · 22/10/2015 14:35

I think you need to ask him to leave, at least for now.

Him crying and begging is really not what you need to be able to process this.

Original poster
Redwhine · 22/10/2015 14:46

I want to fix it... But I despise myself for it

OP posts:
penguinplease · 22/10/2015 14:48

You can't say she got away with it, she owed you no loyalty. Don't fall into the trap of blaming her. He's the one that cheated on you.
I rarely say this but these situations never end well and there is bound to be more. I'd call his bluff, say you know they had sex but you want to know when.
I've been here and I shut my eyes to it for 2 years, it was the mist miserable 2 years I've ever had with any man.

MatrixReloaded · 22/10/2015 14:49

Op I would look at the factual information here.

I'd want to independently confirm that there was actually a works night out and it wasn't the two of them from the start. What pub did they go to, and does she actually live within walking distance of that pub ? Would that particular pub be the logical choice for a works night out ?

penguinplease · 22/10/2015 14:49

Most not mist!

BathtimeFunkster · 22/10/2015 14:49

You can't fix it.

Maybe he can fix it, that remains to be seen.

But you didn't break your marriage and if you try to fix it he will let you, but it will never really be fixed.

Not unless he does it by himself.

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