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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Found a text on his phone....

484 replies

Redwhine · 22/10/2015 06:09

DH was on a work night out last night. He got in at two, which was odd. He was very apologetic about waking me. I knew something was up: I don't know how but I did. At five I checked his phone. There were two texts from a girl I hadn't heard of saying " that must not happen again, just back to normal nothing else I'm sorry" then another message saying " reply to this I need closure". I woke him and asked who she was. He looked sick and couldn't speak... He then said she's a girl at work, they'd been flirting for a few weeks. Last night they went off on their own and 'almost' kissed but didn't. At that point our children woke and we had to stop talking.

I feel sick and I can't stop shaking. We have been together for twelve years, married for seven. Our kids are four and six.

Should I believe him? He keeps saying ' I haven't done anything' but what he's admitted to makes me feel sick. Am I overreacting?

OP posts:
Blossomflowers · 22/10/2015 14:51

Red I am sorry you are going through this you must feel sick to the stomach, but I am in the camp that you need the truth and only then can you decide. I would text her as him.

Jo4040 · 22/10/2015 14:51

Oh OP. Disposing yourself is awful. It's not your fault how your feeling about this. Nobody knows how they would act in any situation. Your not weak. Just shocked.

It's like when you grieve for someone. Many emotions take place over a period of time. There is a very good explanation of it like a 'river". Your emotions will flow, probably not immediately change.

MagicalMrsMistoffelees · 22/10/2015 14:52

You don't need to make him leave if you don't want to. Your marriage doesn't have to be over.

But you must find out the truth if you are to move forward and put things back together again. You can really only rely on hard evidence (eg phone records, emails, texts) because he will white wash the truth and minimise as much as possible. His words are meaningless now.

You need to be very careful of her. I don't for one second think she has been manipulated or groomed!! And I don't think her text last night was 'finishing' with him. She was goading him into further contact. Trying to encourage this idiotic married man to continue bestowing her with attention. Consider strongly how you feel about your husband continuing to work with her.

And tell her boyfriend! I certainly would!

Jo4040 · 22/10/2015 14:52

Despising*

Original poster
Redwhine · 22/10/2015 15:02

Seen a group email about the drinks. He was not in original email but she forwarded it to him asking him to come.

OP posts:
Offred · 22/10/2015 15:02

It's every hour at a time though right now after such a big upheaval.

Temporarily having separate spaces does not mean you are splitting up forever.

It means you are taking space away from him so that you can focus on you and how you feel with an aim of coming to a decision that is more likely to be the best one.

Feeling as though you desperately want it to be fixed and stay together right now is normal. It's not necessarily how you will feel down the line and even if it is, not taking time to process things and make a proper decision may leave you feeling deeply resentful and ruin any attempt to stay together.

If you carry on in the marriage it has to be because you have both chosen to and committed to it. It can't be because you've just fallen into it.

Sansoora · 22/10/2015 15:05

Seen a group email about the drinks. He was not in original email but she forwarded it to him asking him to come.

Im sorry. Really. But she was as much in the running for this as he was and given their previous shared kiss they both knew what was going to happen last night. It was a date under the guise of a works night out. I dont know how you can go forward from this but I would say that for now time apart is vital. How will you feel knowing they are working together?

How absolutely awful for you. It beggars belief. Im heart sore for you. xxxx

Axekick · 22/10/2015 15:06

If you don't want him to leave while you think things through...don't. That's ok.

You aren't pathetic and shouldn't despise yourself for wanting to make it work. But it has to be a joint effort. At the moment he needs to give you time to process it and he has the responsibility to be honest.

So he wasn't invited on the night out and she made sure he knew and asked him to come?

What action is he taking to minimise his contact with her?

[post edited by MNHQ]

Sansoora · 22/10/2015 15:08

you are pathetic and should despise yourself for wanting to make it work.

eh?

mix56 · 22/10/2015 15:10

I'm with Sansoora, he has to go for a time, if nothing else, to show him that you can & will, if you decide, kick him out permanently. See how he takes it, whether his remorse is just to paper of the cracks until the next time.
I fear that for me, once its broken, its broken.

mix56 · 22/10/2015 15:10

over, sorry

Axekick · 22/10/2015 15:13

Shit.... Fucking phone should say 'you are not pathetic and shouldnt dispose yourself'

Oh my god so sorry OP. Blush

Axekick · 22/10/2015 15:14

Shit... Fuckin phone it should say 'you are not pathetic and shouldnt dispise yourself'

So so sorry OP.

Nonnainglese · 22/10/2015 15:14

It's him that needs to fix it, not you. He's completely removed any control of the situation from you so far.

I agree you need to establish the basics starting with where was the works do, what time did it end (is there someone you can corroborate this with?)

He's got to at some time go back to work where, assuming the 'work's night out' happened, he's going to be face to face with ow. How is is planning to address this? If no work's do, then there's a whole new shenanigans to face.

fastdaytears · 22/10/2015 15:15

Axekick has a phone bug that REALLY doesn't like the OP!

OP don't think that you have to decide anything today. But FWIW it sounds to me like he has to get away from this girl at the very least. He can't be seeing her every day and managing her. That's not going to work.

Aramynta · 22/10/2015 15:15

OP I really think you need to distance yourself from him and think this through. Now this email has come to light it implies that she wanted to get him on his own again knowing they had kissed before.

Take the time you need to think it all over. You never know what truths he might reveal in the meantime.

Thanks
Axekick · 22/10/2015 15:15

Right off to switch the laptop on. The first of the apologies didn't post then both posted.

Hate my phone Angry

BathtimeFunkster · 22/10/2015 15:23

It was a date under the guise of a works night out.

Yup.

He knew what he was up to when he went out last night.

This is not some accident that "just happened".

Jux · 22/10/2015 15:26

You are in shock at the moment. Take some time. There is no law that stipulates how long you are allowed to take to decide what you want. And I don't give a fig how much he cries, what be should ge focussing on is you and how much you are crying.

What is he proposing to do to try to regain your trust? To deserve your trust? To deserve your love, and your children's love; to get back to being a happy family? How is he proposing to get himself back into a position where he deserves any of that? Any of it. Because right now he doesn't deserve one iota.

Blossomflowers · 22/10/2015 15:31

OP you show so much restraint and are NOT weak or pathetic. I would have shoved this phone up his ass if I had read that and probably given her a slap but then I am very emotional. I am angry for you. This is not some pissed up snog, this was planned, it is the deceit that hurts the most.

Scarydinosaurs · 22/10/2015 15:33

What a scum bag. The problem is- the rest of your life will be spoiled by this choice he made. And it wasn't an accident. He CHOSE to kiss her, and CHOSE to go out with her again last night.

You might try and fix it, but you'll hate him forever. The trust will have completely gone.

Canyouforgiveher · 22/10/2015 15:34

Don't contact her. It won't solve anything. You can no more trust what she says than what he says.

I tend to doubt very much whether it was a couple of kisses. Even if it was, it was clearly a couple of kisses that your dh hoped would be the start of something much more. My dh kissing another woman like that would in itself be a massive betrayal so it doesn't much matter whether there was more or not. What matters is he betrayed you on some level - how do you feel about this? can you keep going in the marriage knowing he was having /was contemplating sex with someone else.

Op so sorry you are dealing with this. you need some time yourself and talking to your friend to process this.

Bellbird · 22/10/2015 15:40

My thoughts are with you and please remember that you've got him cornered and should fully exploit that by either taking the moral high ground and set some clear ground rules, or keep your distance while you collect your thoughts by chatting to friends etc. Basically, he's behaved like a spoiled brat and needs discipline!

wrt my earlier post - it's Thursday?! Sorry, late night and half term had me all confused this morning..

Writerwannabe83 · 22/10/2015 15:46

Oh OP - this is all so upsetting to read.

Many years ago I found out two years into a relationship that my DP may have cheated on me. I confronted him and he denied everything, but then slowly admitted to more as I continued to prove him. He acted remorseful, did all the apologising, did the minimalising and cried lots of tears but something in me just knew he wasn't being completely truthful.

I obtained a copy of his phone bill (in a sneaky, probably illegal way) and found the woman in questions mobile number everywhere. I contacted her and arranged to meet her.

I gave my DP one last chance to tell me the truth or it was over but he promised me that all he's done was kiss her once, it had been s mistake and he'd never do it again.

I met up with the OW and it turns out things were far, far worse than I had imagined and they'd actually been having an affair for months. It broke my heart to hear it but God I'm so glad I found out the truth.

Life is absolutely too short to spend your life with someone who can cheat on you, lie to you, deceive you, manipulate you etc. You deserve so much more.

Your DH doesn't deserve anything and in your situation (as I once was though without children) I would ABSOLUTELY do whatever it takes to find out the truth.

I could never have stayed with my DP without knowing the truth. I can't imagine how painful it would have been every day to always have that doubt, to always be internally questioning whether I believed what he said and whether I could ever trust him.

You deserve to know the truth and he absolutely doesn't deserve to get away with anything.

Blossomflowers · 22/10/2015 15:52

writer which is why OP needs to get the truth by being a little devious while she still can.