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Original poster

Found a text on his phone....

484 replies

Redwhine · 22/10/2015 06:09

DH was on a work night out last night. He got in at two, which was odd. He was very apologetic about waking me. I knew something was up: I don't know how but I did. At five I checked his phone. There were two texts from a girl I hadn't heard of saying " that must not happen again, just back to normal nothing else I'm sorry" then another message saying " reply to this I need closure". I woke him and asked who she was. He looked sick and couldn't speak... He then said she's a girl at work, they'd been flirting for a few weeks. Last night they went off on their own and 'almost' kissed but didn't. At that point our children woke and we had to stop talking.

I feel sick and I can't stop shaking. We have been together for twelve years, married for seven. Our kids are four and six.

Should I believe him? He keeps saying ' I haven't done anything' but what he's admitted to makes me feel sick. Am I overreacting?

OP posts:
Offred · 22/10/2015 12:31

TBH even without the text the inappropriate nature of their relationship would be a red flag to me...

Original poster
Redwhine · 22/10/2015 12:33

Sorry for silence. Went to my friends house to talk things through. I am a bit numb at the moment. I know some people feel very strongly that I should finish things, and that he has probably slept with her. In a funny way, it almost doesn't matter. The emotional betrayal is so huge and hurtful.

My friend is inclined to believe it was 'only' kissing. She's not his biggest fan but she thinks he wouldn't have gone so far. I have told him that if I find out anything else that he has not told me we are over. I have checked mobile phone records (phones are in my name so easy) and he has only texted her a couple of times. Those texts are still there and are work related.

She said I should avoid any big decisions today but has said me and the kids can stay with her if I want to get out. I know it should be him to go but I would actually feel worse alone in the house with the children.

Other crap news is she is someone he line manages and works very closely with. Horrible.

He has begged forgiveness, sworn it's nothing, texted her in fromt pf me saying last night was a mistake. She agreed. But that could have been set up. Still weeping and trying not to be sick ( not helped by having my first fag in two years at my friends!)

OP posts:
Offred · 22/10/2015 12:37

sworn it's nothing

Be very careful of this.

It is not nothing is it? It is an absolutely massive betrayal.

He doesn't get to tell you it is nothing and you will have no relationship to save if he insists it is nothing.

Helmetbymidnight · 22/10/2015 12:38

It is something tho isn't it- he can't say that- he snogged her before - last term when you were pregnant? and he has admitted to flirting with her loads at work- and bringing about this situation- and it sounds like, pushing for more. He is an idiot that's for sure.

ThoseAwfulCurtains · 22/10/2015 12:38

What Offred said.

Offred · 22/10/2015 12:39

You get to be in control of your feelings about what he has done. Do not let him minimise them.

BathtimeFunkster · 22/10/2015 12:39

So what's his plan for removing himself as her line manager and ceasing to work closely with her?

He can't be imagining that the status quo is acceptable?

Quornmakesmefart · 22/10/2015 12:40

Don't characterise victims of sexual harassment as naïve Offred fair enough, I'm sorry my post came across that way.

squishee · 22/10/2015 12:42

I agree with PPs that you don't need closure after "almost kissing" someone.

Also, this:

(I am saddened beyond words that you think it's anything to do with the miscarriage, and suspect he's also done a number on your head).

and probably on this woman's head too.

Based on her text I suspect she's married too.

I'm so sorry OP. Keep posting here, you'll get great support.

Offred · 22/10/2015 12:43

What does he mean by it?

That the OW meant nothing to him? She is a person with feelings not a toy for his ego. If she meant nothing why risk his family and job? Do his family and job also mean nothing that he'd throw them away so casually?

Does he mean he doesn't think kissing amounts to something you should object to so strongly? He doesn't get to tell you how you are allowed to feel and it is not so much the kissing, but as you said the emotional betrayal. Does he not have feelings? Does he not think you should be allowed feelings?

'It was nothing' is not the statement of a man who is prepared to take responsibility and fix things. They are the words of a man who wants the conflict to go away and everyone to start thinking he is nice again.

Axekick · 22/10/2015 12:44

offred no one said it couldn't be sexual harassment. Simply that there was no need to jump to that. There shouldn't be the presumption it is or the immediate 'ow must be a victim'.

Axekick · 22/10/2015 12:44

Op did he tell her that you know?

Original poster
Redwhine · 22/10/2015 12:46

In answer to some comments: she is thirty. I think my husband is a total bastard but I do not think he would harass someone or try it on with someone who was reluctant. She is probably worried because she has a boyfriend ( and possibly a shred of decency and realised how low they were being) . He still abused a position of trust and possibly endangered his job which I don't take lightly.
I have not let him get away with 'it's nothing' I've said its everything to me and I am heartbroken. He accepts he has betrayed us and says will never do this again.

OP posts:
eternalopt · 22/10/2015 12:46

Mermaid hair and bramble pie
I'm not trying to minimise the sitauation. That's why I prefaced everything I said by agreeing that he's been horrible and the hurt and betrayal is massive. All I was trying to do was give her something slightly positive to possibly think about, as I know that a lot of replies telling me to instantly give up on my marriage and a lot of replies telling me that it couldn't have possibly been just a kiss would make me feel worse.

As I said, if it's not feasible that the night out would last until 1am, then him coming home to her afterwards is still no good. The point I was trying to make was that if the night out did last that long, he didn't go off to a seedy motel, so it is possible that it was just a kiss.

I'm not excusing his behaviour at all.

And yes, I used the word "silly boy" as its a politer way of saying twat.

BathtimeFunkster · 22/10/2015 12:46

It was nothing' is not the statement of a man who is prepared to take responsibility and fix things. They are the words of a man who wants the conflict to go away and everyone to start thinking he is nice again.

This.

What a fucking insult to you to see the pain he has caused you by his deliberate choices and call it "nothing".

Original poster
Redwhine · 22/10/2015 12:47

He has not told her I know. Should I tell him too? I feel she as a person is sort of irrelevant really.

OP posts:
summerwinterton · 22/10/2015 12:47

In all fairness, 24 hours ago you didn't think he was the sort to have an EA, kiss a colleague or maybe more.

He can tell you he won't do it again, but how will you know?

Original poster
Redwhine · 22/10/2015 12:49

Too not too! Will not allow my grammar to falter even at a time like this!

OP posts:
Helmetbymidnight · 22/10/2015 12:49

Poor you- I hope he is distraught- what is he going to do to help you trust him now?

Why isn't your mate his biggest fan?

CrapBag · 22/10/2015 12:49

Sorry about this OP, he may be telling the truth now but after saying they almost kissed then it became kissed twice, I'd not believe that's all it was and I would need to know for my own sanity. Only then could I decide on what to do next. You can't decide how to deal with it until you have all the facts imho. Flowers

ILiveAtTheBeach · 22/10/2015 12:50

Even if you're not going to leave him over this, I would go to your friends with the kids for a few days - to scare the actual shit out of him. Tell him it's over (even if you know you don't mean it just yet).

Axekick · 22/10/2015 12:52

So she thinks he has ended it because he is trying to do the right thing?

Honestly I would want her to know. Because in a few months he could be telling her that he can't stay away, marriage is a sham etc. Failing to mention that when it came down it he chose to stay with you. She should know he only ended it because they were caught, not because he is noble

MoriartyIsMyAngel · 22/10/2015 12:53

It's entirely possible that he minimized to see what you'd accept, very few cheaters would go straight to 'yes we had sex' if they can stop somewhere before that as damage control.

He kissed her on one occasion, then walked her home on another night and kissed her again. So it wasn't spur of the moment, he walked with her knowing what was going to happen when he got to her home. Did you say she lives with her parents? That may have been what stopped things at a kiss if it did stop).

The problem is that he has kept things going, and I'd ask what the gap was between their first and second kiss. How long has this been in his head? And what are his feelings towards this girl? He's a creep for getting involved with someone about half his age who he has some power over. Her texts are ambiguous, but I'd guess that she would not go out of her way to stop things happening in the future. The 'I need closure' text suggests she is emotionally involved.

If you want to stay with him, see if he'd change job, preferably to something that doesn't include managing young women. And is he able to avoid work social events (ot take you, as much fun as that sounds for you...)

Original poster
Redwhine · 22/10/2015 12:54

I can't know for sure though can I? As you say, he has proved untrustworthy so I can't take his word, but o couldn't trust hers either. I'll never really know. Horrible.

OP posts:
Offred · 22/10/2015 12:55

I think atm emotions are running high for everyone.

I totally agree she is irrelevant btw and it's good you stepped on his 'it's nothing' response.

He may realise what he has done eventually and the initial response may change to something more productive.

Thing is right now you need to be thinking about you IMO, not him, OW or your marriage. Think about what he has done, about how you feel about it and about whether you can recover from it. If you feel you can you could commit to trying to see if the relationship can recover providing he is accepting responsibility and understands how you feel and is committed too.

You need to really come to terms with the shock, process some of the initial emotions and then try and think through your response IMO.

IME you can't really know whether you will be able to handle recovering from something like this straight after you have found out and committing to working through it at this stage may, months and even years down the line, lead you to bitter resentment.