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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Found a text on his phone....

484 replies

Redwhine · 22/10/2015 06:09

DH was on a work night out last night. He got in at two, which was odd. He was very apologetic about waking me. I knew something was up: I don't know how but I did. At five I checked his phone. There were two texts from a girl I hadn't heard of saying " that must not happen again, just back to normal nothing else I'm sorry" then another message saying " reply to this I need closure". I woke him and asked who she was. He looked sick and couldn't speak... He then said she's a girl at work, they'd been flirting for a few weeks. Last night they went off on their own and 'almost' kissed but didn't. At that point our children woke and we had to stop talking.

I feel sick and I can't stop shaking. We have been together for twelve years, married for seven. Our kids are four and six.

Should I believe him? He keeps saying ' I haven't done anything' but what he's admitted to makes me feel sick. Am I overreacting?

OP posts:
Helmetbymidnight · 22/10/2015 10:56

And OP has strong instincts - she sensed immediately there was something and did something about it.

This shows how clued up you are, OP.

The trouble is when our instinct to love and trust and make trouble go away is stronger than our instinct for the truth.

I hope things are going well this morning.

Axekick · 22/10/2015 11:00

var I disagree. Her text to me is an attention thing. Neither of us know for sure.

I don't see the need to start putting the OW into victim status at this point. It's not helping anyone.

Offred · 22/10/2015 11:04

No, no-one knows for sure. However the text is a statement that the attention is unwelcome on the face of it. It's the reasons for the statement we don't know.

As his wife I'd err on the side of caution, not so much about giving OW victim status as being aware of a warning sign that my h may have behaved abusively.

LucySnow12 · 22/10/2015 11:12

So sorry for you. To me, the texts sound like A LOT more happened than a kiss. You need to go through his phone for past texts and I would contact OW. You need to know for how long this has been going on. Like everyone has said, it is a FACT that cheaters always minimise what really happened. The situation needs to be brought into REAL LIFE. Get the book, 'Not Just Friends' by Shirley Glass. It will help you deal with how to go forward. Sorry, but I wouldn't believe anything he says right now.

Fairy2015 · 22/10/2015 11:13

Can you call her and arrange to meet her, that way you get it from the horses mouth.

tribpot · 22/10/2015 11:14

I find the fact that it's her saying 'this must not happen again, just back to normal nothing else, I'm sorry' a pretty clear indication that he wanted to take things further and she is the one who shut things down. That does not speak well of your husband, OP.

On top of which the fact that he is her manager, completely irrespective of whether there was any coercion on his part, makes this an unacceptable situation. He will be in a lot of trouble at work if someone else reports them. At best he will get a reputation as one of those creepy older men who try it on at office parties - complete stomach turner.

There's more to this story than he's told you, as evidenced by the drip feeding of info as he realises he can't get away with telling you nothing. I would call her on speakerphone with him in the room and say you want an honest account of everything that has happened because you can't trust your DH to tell you the truth.

Axekick · 22/10/2015 11:16

I agree the Op should err on the side of caution. Yes she should. She shoul prepare for any revelation at this point.

However the follow up text requesting 'closure' to me is because she hasn't had a reply to the first. Because she wants his attention. Not because she really wants to finish it. Only time will tell which it is.

Tbh for the OPs sake I hope I am right. Him getting accused of sexual harassment will only make this worse for her.

JennaRoss · 22/10/2015 11:21

When DH's EA came out, he followed the script and lied and minimised.

Every time I found something more out and confronted him, he would admit to that only and nothing more.

OP you have to decide where your line is. For me it was the lies that I couldn't get past, so kiss / touch / sex became immaterial.

I'm a couple of months down the line, he has moved out and we are all much happier now.

DoorToTheRiver · 22/10/2015 11:21

OP unless a bloke is caught red handed or you have irrefutable evidence they ALWAYS minimise and deny, deny, deny.

He will believe he might lose you if he is honest so it is safer to lie from the bloke's view. He will admit to only what he thinks he will get away with.

A one off, kiss, shagging whatever might be genuinely regretted. Whatever has happened it was on more than one occasion so he was interested in continuing it.

Sorry.

DoreenLethal · 22/10/2015 11:22

I'm really sorry OP but you don't need closure on a kiss.

AyeAmarok · 22/10/2015 11:22

I think you need to remember that, whether they only kissed, twice, or have been sleeping together, none of those are okay in a marriage. And he was going to carry on until he got caught, he wasn't going to fess up, he's been dishonest, which is also not okay. You are well within your rights to end it on that alone.

I'd ask him to give you a few days space and to go and stay with his parents or a friend. Then you can think more clearly.

Offred · 22/10/2015 11:34

I think you may well need closure/confirmation if your much older boss has been engineering sexual contact by walking you home after work nights out and you aren't comfortable with it.

No-one knows, it's not the main issue anyway.

The main issue is OP's h has behaved terribly and the OP is going through a difficult time emotionally anyway.

KERALA1 · 22/10/2015 11:40

My lovely work colleague walked a secretary home after some work drinks at her suggestion, they lived near each other. She tried to kiss him (she was abit weird and had a crush on him and was quite drunk). He was mortified and angry with himself for putting himself in that position. He adored his wife and they had young (very young) children. He woke his wife up when he got home and told her exactly what happened (i.e. nothing). He was in pieces and in tears the next day that anything could threaten his family set up. He didnt want there to be any secrets at all between him and his wife.

Thats how you behave in this situation, yours sadly looks like an ongoing thing.

carabos · 22/10/2015 11:43

I think you need to ignore the OW - this woman, some other woman - irrelevant. What matters is that whatever they did (and you know they did something), your marriage is different now. The conversation you need to have with your DH is "what does different look like?" What's the new normal for you guys? That could be anything from "forget it, move on" through to LTB.

As others have said, you need to know where your personal line in the sand is. There's more to come out, so it will help you if you know what you can and can't live with / work with.

It's important that your DH realises that it is he who has brought about this change in conditions. He wanted to change things, for whatever reason, and chose this way to express that. He needs to get in touch with what it is he wants to change, why, and what that change will mean for all of you in the future. That's big boy stuff, grown-up stuff, so don't let the discussion boil down to "one kiss or two?" That's not important.

Best of luck.

wannaBe · 22/10/2015 11:48

a lot of projection on this thread. And tbh it's not possible to know what she meant from that text, because the screen does not convey emotion and texts are easily misconstrued, even more so if you have nothing to back up their origin, iyswim.

Closure is a very "in" term at the moment tbh, and while most of us on this thread might not use it, that doesn't mean someone else wouldn't.

But, you can try and interpret the meaning of the text for an eternity, reality is that you could come up with a million interpretations and none of them might be what was actually meant. So what is important now is how you feel, and what you want from this. As PP have said, you need to decide what is your line, or whether there actually needs to be one, or whether this is a deal-breaker.

But talk of how he's groomed someone and how this is harassment really aren't helpful. The man has been an idiot, and it is now up to the op to decide whether or not to stay in the relationship based on what she does or doesn't believe or feel. But the woman is an adult, she's not some poor little helpless victim. It's possible to acknowledge that the op's dh has been a twat without needing to exaggerate that to make him an abuser and ow a victim.

IrianofWay · 22/10/2015 11:54

"The 'nearly kissing', 'actual kissing', 'multiple kisses', 'sex' is really not even the problem when people decide to go outside their relationship.

It's the lying, questioning and eradication of trust that's the true killer."

Yep.

Please can everyone stop catastrophising. The OP needs to make a decision based on the facts not speculations all this 'no-one ever stops at kissing - i'd bet my knickers they have a secret love nest and a baby!'

BTW yes they do! I had an EA many years ago and the most we ever did was hold hands and kiss once. But he still ended it with his gf and wanted me to divorce DH! EAs are just as devestating as PA and just as powerful. It isn't impossible that they 'only' kissed - but the only thing that matters is that he stops lying.

TheBitchOfDestiny · 22/10/2015 11:58

oh op this does not sound good

your H is a twat

I am sorry

Cherrybakewells1 · 22/10/2015 12:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ScribblerOnTheRoof · 22/10/2015 12:10

Sounds to me like:

They were previously having an affair which he or she ended. Then slept together again and she now needs to know that its definitely over.

I would sit your husband down while the kids are at school and demand the full story

Offred · 22/10/2015 12:14

The sexual harassment would be relevant to me. I don't want to be with a man who has sexually harassed an OW at his workplace. Would anyone?

It is not irrelevant and yes, no-one will ever know the dynamic of their relationship but as I said before. I would not be trying to get to the bottom of their relationship or whether there was sexual harassment. I'd take the text as a warning that sexual harassment may have been involved and I would err on the side of caution.

I'd also want the relationship to end because of the betrayal of him investing in a relationship with someone else while I was dealing with a miscarriage.

var123 · 22/10/2015 12:22

I'm not the OW, so I don't know what she's feeling or how she got into this position. I was just answering the "go straight to HR" post.

It is obvious though that the OW doesn't want things to go further, whatever they actually are, and that must be reassuring for the OP as it will give her space to work out what she wants to happen in her marriage.

I am sorry OP, it must be horrible for you.

Quornmakesmefart · 22/10/2015 12:25

I don't see any suggestion of sexual harassment - I would take her text to mean the woman is scared about others finding out and is regretting what she's done - maybe it's because she's married too, or is worried about work implications.

Did I see somewhere that the woman is 15 years younger? That doesn't have to mean she's some young, naïve thing who he's been 'grooming' - we don't know the ages involved - the H could be in his 40's and the woman in her 30's...

OP I hope you are ok today - you need to press for some answers and make him realise there is no way out of telling you the whole truth Flowers

MagicalMrsMistoffelees · 22/10/2015 12:29

I am so, so sorry he has done this, particularly when you have young children and have just suffered a miscarriage. You will be wondering why he has done this but you will never get a satisfactory answer. He will have separated his family and her in his head.

I suspect he has already contacted her when you took the children to school. He could use the landline or a PC or even gone over to hers. He will be desperate to ensure she joins in the minimising to protect themselves. If you are 100% confident he hasn't contacted her then I would text her posing as him. It may be your only opportunity to discover the truth. You'll never get that from him.

To those assuming the OW is ending it because of what she's put in her text, I don't buy it. He leaves her (I suspect after having sex), she's on her own and she wants to get back some control so she says, 'it can't happen again,' hoping he'll get worried /panic and keep on wanting her. I very much doubt she's been manipulated in any way.

Am I right to assume they are teachers? Lovely! I'm a teacher and we had an affair between two staff members last year. Neither came out of it looking very good.

Offred · 22/10/2015 12:30

No it doesn't. No-one said it does. I simply disagreed with the statement which basically implied people are not being sexually harassed if they are adults unless they immediately 'run to HR', which is not the case. People often do not report sexual harassment at all, people often take a while to report it when they do. Sometimes older employees in positions of authority attempt to and sometimes do groom much younger employees and it is nothing to do with naivety and everything to do with the imbalance of power and the abuse of power in the workplace.

Don't characterise victims of sexual harassment as naive.

Helmetbymidnight · 22/10/2015 12:31

Most young women wouldn't send a text like that straight after shagging tho would they? But I don't believe it was just kissing- I would guess it was a bj. Sorry- not very nice and possibly irrelevant.