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Original poster

Found a text on his phone....

484 replies

Redwhine · 22/10/2015 06:09

DH was on a work night out last night. He got in at two, which was odd. He was very apologetic about waking me. I knew something was up: I don't know how but I did. At five I checked his phone. There were two texts from a girl I hadn't heard of saying " that must not happen again, just back to normal nothing else I'm sorry" then another message saying " reply to this I need closure". I woke him and asked who she was. He looked sick and couldn't speak... He then said she's a girl at work, they'd been flirting for a few weeks. Last night they went off on their own and 'almost' kissed but didn't. At that point our children woke and we had to stop talking.

I feel sick and I can't stop shaking. We have been together for twelve years, married for seven. Our kids are four and six.

Should I believe him? He keeps saying ' I haven't done anything' but what he's admitted to makes me feel sick. Am I overreacting?

OP posts:
Marilynsbigsister · 22/10/2015 19:26

nana I agree. Anyone who doesn't embrace the thought of single parenthood is considered weak on these threads. Life just isn't like that. Long term relationships are hard. A lot of people don't want to bail out at the first sign of trouble. It's not always so black and white (except in dv cases where LTB is the only option). I am in my late fifties and know many many couples who have weathered infidelity and go on to have long and happy relationships

Helmetbymidnight · 22/10/2015 19:43

My, people have poor comprehension skills.

Please show us 5 posts in the very many here where the op has been told she must bail, or to immediately ltb- and to embrace single parenthood.

I really look forward to seeing your evidence.

Sansoora · 22/10/2015 19:50

Ive been through the thread again and as far as I can see there has only been one post where the poster has actually said LTB. I think it was by the Dowagerduchess?

Everyone else who is of the opinion this upset isn't something to be made light of has said - take your time to decide what you want to do re the future, even if it means time apart for the time being.

Sansoora · 22/10/2015 19:51

Cross posted with Helmut.

TheDowagerCuntess · 22/10/2015 19:51

Vagabond - so you're projecting just as much as anyone else on this thread, but in the other direction. Just because you're willing to tolerate what would be a deal-breaker for many others, doesn't mean everyone else should,

There's a wide variety of people posting on this thread. Please don't assume we're all the same.

I've never been cheated on. Hell, I've never been dumped. I've had a few long-term relationships with lovely men. I'm in one right now with DH.

It's from this viewpoint of saying that there are lovely men out there that don't behave like this, that I personally am encouraging the OP to seriously consider her options here (and at least tell her husband to leave and give her some space) - because I think tolerating this sort of shit is a recipe for much long-term unhappiness and dissatisfaction. Especially if you've had it instilled in you to accept better (which I suspect the OP has).

You may be able to sweep what happened with your innocent DH and his naked temptress under the mattress carpet, but most women, quite reasonably, would not.

You may think keeping a relationship - any relationship - is the priority. Others would not. And that's OK.

Helmetbymidnight · 22/10/2015 19:53

While we're counting perhaps we could make a note of all the times counselling has been 'shouted down' as a suggestion too.

Or are you making that up as well?

Scornedwoman67 · 22/10/2015 19:55

Hi OP
I went through a horrendous year that began in very similar circumstances to hours. With the benefit of hindsight these are the things I would have done differently:
Told him to tell me everything right at the start and said that if he lied about it he'd be out
I would not have met the OW in secret. They had rehearsed their lies
I would not have wasted a year of my life gradually unpeeling the layers of deception
I would have made every effort right at the beginning to uncover the truth & not kidded myself
I wouldn't have asked him to show me his phone. After he got caught the first time he got himself a 'secret' phone
....I could go on but you get the idea. What I will say though is that once you find out initially you just KNOW whether or not it's really finished. I knew it hadn't. By continually forgiving him & being in denial I made my own pain so much worse. Everyone is different....whatever you decide I hope you find peace & resolution.

ForChina · 22/10/2015 19:57

Can you all stop making it about you and take your fucking squabbling somewhere else?

OP, the thing that's come back to my mind when thinking about this thread is that he went along to this thing knowing what happened last time. So this was not a thing that happened, it was a thing that was planned - something he anticipated when he was leaving that day.

Also, pubs close around 11 - right? He walks her home, they have a kiss and then he comes home... is that something that would take three hours?! It doesn't add up. Literally. I'm really sorry. :(

Sansoora · 22/10/2015 19:58

OP, the thing that's come back to my mind when thinking about this thread is that he went along to this thing knowing what happened last time. So this was not a thing that happened, it was a thing that was planned - something he anticipated when he was leaving that day.

Yes and that point was covered pages ago.

SimLondon · 22/10/2015 19:59

" I am in my late fifties and know many many couples who have weathered infidelity and go on to have long and happy relationships"

how do you know they actually are happy and not miserable but stuck and to scared of the uncertainty of leaving? how many people stay stuck in a miserable relationship - sadly a lot.

GabiSolis · 22/10/2015 20:11

A very similar situation is brewing in my office at the moment. Two colleagues have crossed the line at a previous works do and will no doubt do it again. The man's wife works in a different department in the same company. He has already cheated on her years ago with someone who works in yet another department. It's all very messed up.

OP I think he's almost certainly lying to you about how far this went. I'm so sorry you're going through this.

zeezeek · 22/10/2015 20:17

I find it very odd that people are analysing a text message sent from someone they don't know! Recently I sent a similar couple of texts to a male friend - one saying that I wanted things to return to normal and the second saying that it would be good to get closure. We were not having an affair or even drunken kisses - I was, in fact, talking about a long standing issue with my mother. Obviously things in this case are different and he has admitted to kissing someone, but that's not a reason to automatically assume that it is anything more than what he said it was. I've been married for 25 years and there have been occasions when we have both found other people attractive and have also kissed other people. It does seem like a massive over-reaction .

Offred · 22/10/2015 20:28

I never understand why people think it's helpful to say 'I felt it was fine when this happened to me, you shouldn't be upset' to someone who clearly doesn't think it is fine and is upset...

Bellbird · 22/10/2015 20:35

Dear OP, I joined this thread, because a similar thing happened to me 20 years ago (a love letter not a text) when I was a student and much, much later to my sister in her marriage. The feeling sick is completely normal, but it will pass. I hope that you can give your kids a hug and tell them that something has really upset you today and you'll need some time to get over it.

Speaking for myself, I actually began by trying to make it work, but then I realised that a little bit of me wanted revenge. It was just all wrong, because he was so broken by what he did and I think a clean break would have been much better, which happened after a few months. However, we were both very young. As a mother, you're going to need some assurances from him regardless of your relationship. At the very least, he'll have to stay with the kids while you speak to friends / family.

I'm just assuming that you do have someone to talk to, but if not, try the Samaritans - as I remember they stopped me from going over the edge as he was the first guy that I really deeply loved and I'm certain that you have been deeply loving your dh up 'til now as this has been such a shock for you.

Salene · 22/10/2015 20:46

If I was you OP I wouldn't kick him out , I'm sorry I'm inclined to believe what he says, I think if there was more to it there would be more texts on the phone bill.

If it was kiss or sex , well to me it wouldn't matter, a betrayal is a betrayal so what exactly happened I wouldn't care about.

That aside I still wouldn't end my marriage over it especially because there is children. I would be very upset and my husband would need to do a lot of grovelling but I do believe people make mistakes and do learn from them.

I think your husband will be terrified he has lost his whole world, his wife, children, job over a stupid encounter or two and will hopefully learn from it

I think marriage is hard, and we have some many hurdles and difficult times but people can move past things like this

Once I could forgive, if it happened again he would be gone.

I've been cheated on by a long term partner in the past and I did forgive him and move forward as it happened later down the line we decided we weren't for each other and went our separate ways, but we have remained friends , he is a good man and even to this day he knows he made a mistake and says if he could turn the clock back he would and he says he will never hurt another woman in that way and I believe him

I'm happily married to another man now and if this was happening to me and him , I would forgive him and give our marriage another shot

Don't do anything hastily and to be honest I'd not listen to advice from stranger on the Internet about something as important as leaving a marriage, listen to people who know you, know your husband and know your life

Good luck I'm sure things will work out for you.

Original poster
Redwhine · 22/10/2015 20:48

Parents evening actually helped: lovely to know my children were happy and doing well. We went for a drink afterwards and I raged and cried some more. I have moved him into the spare room for tonight and am going to try to get some sleep. I appreciate the time and though that has gone into every response. Also people have different views and experiences and all are valid.

In my gut, I believe he did not sleep with her. That does not mean he has not betrayed me though. Or that I will forgive him.

Goodnight. You are all awesome for holding my hand today: thank you x

OP posts:
TooSassy · 22/10/2015 20:50

I'm with forchina on this one.

The squabble has totally hijacked the OP's thread. Poor form.
I also hadn't considered the timing of pubs closing and the H returning home....

OP. This is your marriage. Your life.
I remember when I was younger I always used to think I had to make decisions. Vey black and white. Until a wider older person pointed out that sometimes making the conscious decision to make no decision is also a decision.

Don't make any big sweeping decisions. This is a big shock, especially in the tail end of your miscarriage. There is no need for you to do anything aside from give yourself the time and space to absorb and thinks what's next. We all do things differently. But none of us are you.

Look after you and go at your own pace.

TooSassy · 22/10/2015 20:51

Lol. Wiser. NOT wider! Blush

Sansoora · 22/10/2015 20:53

I think if there was more to it there would be more texts on the phone bill.

There may well be. Im not sure she's checked yet.

Sansoora · 22/10/2015 20:54

lovely to know my children were happy and doing well.

Thats great. Really. Smile

Salene · 22/10/2015 20:55

Yes she says she checked the phone bills

Sansoora · 22/10/2015 20:57

Thank you Salene Smile

ENtertainmentAppreciated · 22/10/2015 21:16

Red, you don't sound like anybody's fool to me, far from it.

Just skimming this thread I feel like I'm suffering from information overload, so goodness knows how you feel.

Your close friend sounds like a good support, so I think her help and taking whatever time you need to process all your feelings is a big positive for you.

This is now a topic on the internet, but it's your actual life and your family's life too. Take whatever time you need, as much as it takes. Your DH will have to wait that out.

Stay on this thread if it's helping.
Lurk if that's better for you.
Or, if you feel like you need to start a new thread, then do that.

I hope you find the strength you need to get to where you need to be. I think you will Flowers

ImperialBlether · 22/10/2015 21:19

Regarding the pub, the OP has said early on: "He got back at two, must have left town around one. Pubs are open until then... "

NumbBlaseCold · 22/10/2015 21:32

I'm so sorry for your loss Redwhine. Flowers

You husband is a complete prick to do that and 100x worse to do it at a time when you need his love and support.

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