Found a text on his phone....

[Redwhine]

DH was on a work night out last night. He got in at two, which was odd. He was very apologetic about waking me. I knew something was up: I don't know how but I did. At five I checked his phone. There were two texts from a girl I hadn't heard of saying " that must not happen again, just back to normal nothing else I'm sorry" then another message saying " reply to this I need closure". I woke him and asked who she was. He looked sick and couldn't speak... He then said she's a girl at work, they'd been flirting for a few weeks. Last night they went off on their own and 'almost' kissed but didn't. At that point our children woke and we had to stop talking.

I feel sick and I can't stop shaking. We have been together for twelve years, married for seven. Our kids are four and six.

Should I believe him? He keeps saying ' I haven't done anything' but what he's admitted to makes me feel sick. Am I overreacting?

Vagabond can do what she likes in her own marriage.

People find her obsessive minimising attitude towards what the op should do in her marriage strange.

hang on, so vagabond should have LTB then

Im not one of the LTB posters. In fact I stayed often enough. But I do think if you are staying then stay with your eyes wide open and accept your partner more than likely isnt a happless victim who couldnt help himself.

I am often a LTB poster. I haven't said LTB on this thread. Just don't make decisions too quickly and get some space so you can think clearly...

Some repetitive craziness about LTB on here today...

OP Im sorry your thread has gone this way.

Take from it what you want but please remember it takes two to tango and its never just the fault of the other person.

You knew you were being lied to about it being one kiss and in the cold light of day you've very sadly been proved correct.

Im heart sore for you.

I am really sorry that you're going through this, OP. It's heartwrenching, I know, but I hope you can get to the truth and find a way through.

MN can be a superb source of support, but unfortunately it often isn't. Some people (generally regualr posters) have a habit of getting a bit too caught up in a situation they actually know nothing about and start projecting to an astonishing degree. It's already started here with a suggestion that your husband must be abusing his position as an older manager yada yada yada.

No one knows your husband but you. This is YOUR marriage, no one elses and there is no right or wrong decision...there is only the right decision for you. Please take what you need from this thread and disregard "advice" that doesn't help. Under no circumstances must you feel that you owe anyone here anything...you don't. So many times I have seen women with broken hearts apologising to anonymous forum members for not acting in the way they are being told to. It's disgraceful and horribly common.

Look after yourself. Smoothies, soups, sugary tea if you're struggling to keep anything down.

Good luck x

Why on earth would you throw him out over this? That is so wrong.

If she decided to not continue in this relationship under these new terms why would it be wrong?

Where has anyone suggested he must be abusing his position as a manager?!

I said that I would err on the side of caution and take that text as a warning that he may have done.

I disagreed that it cannot be sexual harassment because the ow hasn't gone straight to HR.

No-one has said he must be a creepy boss pressuring his employee into sexual activity she actively doesn't want.

Don't misrepresent things.

ApricotSorbet99 that's better. And far more supportive and normal for what I generally see on here.

I think what seems to happen on MN is when an OP doesn't post updates fast enough, people seem to have to make things up to satisfy themselves and arguments amongst posters start occurring. I could be wrong, but I've seen it happen quite frequently so it does seem to be a bit of a phenomenon?

I should talk to your RL friends, OP- ones who know both of you

take your time

and talk, talk, talk to your H

he needs to tell you thewholetruthandnothingbutthetruth. Then YOU can decide what you want to do

and I am also of the mind that sometimes, otherwise nice, decent people act like beasts of the field and do really, really stupid, hurtful things. Things they regret. Like this. Sometimes over a period of weeks, sometimes as a drunken one off. It is undeniably shit

you need to work out what your (and your H's) deal breaker is. This doesn't have to be one.

Oh, and send him to parents' evening.

yeah, wot apricot said

OP Yyou havent slept or eaten. You're shell shocked. Take your time. No sudden moves. Be kind to yourself. None of this is your doing.
There is lots of good advice here - but it must be filtered. There will be bits that chime with you and thats what you need to take away with you.
Trust the amazing instinct that made you look at his phone.
I think things will get harder before they get easier I am afraid and you are going to need support in RL. Rely on the people that love you - they will want to be there for you whatever happens.

My particular situation doesn't really matter apart from the fact that THINGS HAPPEN when people are stupid and drunk.

Actually for most people the THINGS that happen are they fall over or try to tell the same story over and over. They don't fall into bed with someone else.

Your husband did that when he was drunk vagabond and you decided that it was ok because he was drunk and it was really the woman's fault anyway. Fine, you made your choice. But don't tell everyone else that getting drunk means being unfaithful- that is not true.

OP, talk to your friend in real life, try to talk to your husband and get the truth and take it from there. You should feel no more pressure to divorce him at the moment than you do to suck it up and minimise what he did.

You should feel no more pressure to divorce him at the moment than you do to suck it up and minimise what he did.

This. Exactly.

Whoops. X posted. What Apricot and Muddha said.

"I need closure" is not something a woman says to a man when the only encounter they've had is one evening when they didn't even kiss. It's also not something a woman adds on as an afterthought if she sincerely believe she has herself just ended it, whatever 'it' was.

OP I know I'd do similar to you, hold on to hope that it could all be brushed under the carpet and that it could all be ok. I love and depend (it's true) on my DH.

But take some time and think what you find acceptable really. They'll be back working together, I couldn't ignore that. It wasn't a one off thing there's been a build up (which as I read it, ended in them sleeping together last night and she's regretting shagging her married boss)

It's not 'nothing' and he shouldn't consider you're feelings about this unreasonable. He needs to be making this better not you.

It doesn't have to be LTB but don't burry your head in the sand because it will eat away at you.

It doesn't matter what happened before, it's what happens next that's important. He's shown himself to be capable of infidelity, to whatever level and he's done that for a reason. OP needs to know what that reason is - it could be that he's moved on from her - then she can decide what her next move should be.

OP - I completely understand how you feel right now. It's incredibly hard to be all 'business as usual' when you are falling apart inside.

Whatever happens it's a long road and only you can decide where you go from here.

OP needs to know what that reason is - it could be that he's moved on from her

Ugh! Ouch!

OP

I think those people who have said to you not to make any decisions now are correct. You are in shock and you need some time to let it sink in, get your head round it and decide how you feel.

It may be that you cant get past this, or it may be that you can - you will need help i would imagine so that this doesn't play on your mind and make you unhappy in the future, let alone worrying about him doing it again.

It really only is worth carrying on with your relationship if YOU can get closure.

I don't know if i could manage because it would eat away at me, but until you are in that position you don't know.

It sounds like you have been through a really difficult time lately anyway, so you really need to be kind to yourself.

I would absolutely insist that he does something about his work so that he no longer has contact with this girl, if that means leaving his job, so be it - I couldn't bear it. Maybe she should do the decent thing too and fuck off. She is not a victim either - she knew what she was doing when she invited your DH out last night. So don't be fooled that she is a poor niave girl totally charmed by your DH. If that were to be the case then your marriage doesn't stand a chance.

He has a lot of work to do to regain your trust and you yourself wont know if he can.

horrible situation.

I do feel for you but could I just ask one question? You mentioned that this was an end of term thing. Is it a teacher/ta situation?
Is there anyone else at his work that you know well or a spouse/girlfriend that you have met and could ask? I only say that because I would imagine that there is gossip involved already, no matter how well people think they are covering work relationships, colleagues are generally well aware of people who are 'carrying on'.
I hope you find some peace.

Vagabond I think there's an unwritten rule on these threads that you cannot suggest the OP talks things over with her DH and they maybe have counselling and she takes time to decide if she is going to be able to trust him again. Anyone who makes such suggestions will be shouted down as you have been. I have found this out to my cost in the past.

I think a lot of these women have been cheated on in the past and are projecting their feelings onto the situation under discussion. I hope the OP realises this. Lem you make some good points.

It amazes me how people can be so sure of what happened - almost like they are mind readers. Extraordinary.

OP, it's entirely understandable that you can't eat atm. But you will need to, you need to be able to function physically so that you can function mentally. Mash some banana, get some natural live yoghurt, find things which are easy to swallow and easy to digest.

Look after yourself, and don't rush any decisions.

No nana. Recently you suggested repeatedly to an op who had herself said right from the start that she was positive she was leaving that she was damaging her child and should consider not leaving. You kept on banging on about it until she got upset. You used your professional experience as a stick to beat her with stating that you were right and she was wrong.

On this thread people have simply encouraged the op to take some time and space away from him to decide what to do and not make decisions right now.

People have said they couldn't or wouldn't be able to move on in her circs.

The only ones who have been trying to force their view have been the ones who are saying she must not ask for space, it isn't a big deal and she should try to work through it.

Why are some people so invested in preventing anyone from even looking like they might be suggesting that a woman might leave a man if he treats her badly?