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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Found a text on his phone....

484 replies

Redwhine · 22/10/2015 06:09

DH was on a work night out last night. He got in at two, which was odd. He was very apologetic about waking me. I knew something was up: I don't know how but I did. At five I checked his phone. There were two texts from a girl I hadn't heard of saying " that must not happen again, just back to normal nothing else I'm sorry" then another message saying " reply to this I need closure". I woke him and asked who she was. He looked sick and couldn't speak... He then said she's a girl at work, they'd been flirting for a few weeks. Last night they went off on their own and 'almost' kissed but didn't. At that point our children woke and we had to stop talking.

I feel sick and I can't stop shaking. We have been together for twelve years, married for seven. Our kids are four and six.

Should I believe him? He keeps saying ' I haven't done anything' but what he's admitted to makes me feel sick. Am I overreacting?

OP posts:
BSites · 22/10/2015 16:31

Vagabond how would you have felt if your DH had done it again?

I agree with some of what you say, but this wasn't a one off drunken mistake.

SimLondon · 22/10/2015 16:31

hhmm stay with someone who has cheated more than once and will probably lie and cheat some more - why?

Vagabond · 22/10/2015 16:32

Bathtimefunkster.....love the name!

It was our houseguest who was the lech. My husband was just the drunk, stupid fool who took her a glass of water while she lay naked in our guest room.

Offred · 22/10/2015 16:33

How would you have felt if while you were recovering from a miscarriage your h was flirting with an OW who is 15 years younger and who he has management responsibility for, kissing her and arranging times where they would have further opportunities to continue or progress the kissing?

If you wouldn't see that as a betrayal I wonder what you would!

BSites · 22/10/2015 16:34

Not really the same thing, is it Vagabond ?

Offred · 22/10/2015 16:34

It was our houseguest who was the lech. My husband was just the drunk, stupid fool who took her a glass of water while she lay naked in our guest room.

HmmShockHmm

GingerIvy · 22/10/2015 16:35

It was our houseguest who was the lech. My husband was just the drunk, stupid fool who took her a glass of water while she lay naked in our guest room.

Hmm
Offred · 22/10/2015 16:35

Well, you know that's ok then it was the woman's fault... Poor vulnerable man...

Offred · 22/10/2015 16:36

Honestly, have you heard yourself?!

Sansoora · 22/10/2015 16:38

Vagabond what did you catch them doing?

But apart from that - why is it your friend who's the one at fault? She is a lech and to be frank so was your husband.

How come your husband got out of bed to take her water?

Or had he not been to bed?

And as like someone else said - the OP's situation is completely different from yours. Its like comparing apples and pears.

Vagabond · 22/10/2015 16:38

How old are you all? Golly, I can't think of any relationship that hasn't been challenged at times.

I know so many couples that have been fine after FAR WORSE than this.

OP, HOLD THE LINE. You will be fine. It was a blinking kiss or two. He could possibly lose his job. He could possibly lose his wife, his kids. His life with you. You could lose the same. Do you want that? Of course you don't!

It's up to YOU how you manage this. I advise speaking to your DH as candidly as you can and then work on repairs.

This is not a deal breaker and you still have your marriage and your family.

Be honest, speak openly and get this fixed. You can do that if he is willing.

Sansoora · 22/10/2015 16:39

Well, you know that's ok then it was the woman's fault... Poor vulnerable man...

Yep.

bessiebumptious2 · 22/10/2015 16:39

It could well have been her fault! If he took her a glass of water and she'd got her kit off in the meantime, knowing he was fetching it, and Vagabond walked in at that point, it's hardly his fault!

I'd expect DP in this situation tho to say 'oops, sorry, didn't realise' and leg it out of the room, so it depends what vagabond saw, really.

HeartsTrumpDiamonds · 22/10/2015 16:40

Oh OP Flowers

Try to take care of yourself. Try to eat and sleep. Crackers, biscuits, dry toast, cups of tea.

Sansoora · 22/10/2015 16:41

Vagabond Im 57 and two and a half years into a separation that came about after 37 years of marriage.

And like you I minimised and made excuses years and years ago.

Vagabond · 22/10/2015 16:41

My particular situation doesn't really matter apart from the fact that THINGS HAPPEN when people are stupid and drunk.

And yes, sometime one person is more predatory that others.

HeartsTrumpDiamonds · 22/10/2015 16:44
summerwinterton · 22/10/2015 16:46

it wasn't just one silly kiss - the second time he saw her he went back to her house. He planned to do whatever he did last night. And I would bet my house a lot more than a kiss went on last night. I don't see how counselling would ever resolve that tbh.

Sansoora · 22/10/2015 16:46

And yes, sometime one person is more predatory that others.

Yep, and sometimes we women have to think that because we cant deal with the alternative.

But once again - you are missing the point re the OP's situation. This was the second time at least that the OP's husband's has been intimate with the woman - and yes kissing is being intimate. Though its highly unlikely after last night it stopped at that.

Offred · 22/10/2015 16:47

Ok but in your case vagabond nothing at all actually did happen except you felt his decision to bring your friend water was a dubious one.... Hmm

Somehow that has become, in your mind, simultaneously an example of your extreme reasonableness in the face of screaming harpy women and an example of his bad behaviour which was not bad behaviour because it was the woman's...

Offred · 22/10/2015 16:49

What happened here was not 'a silly drunken kiss'. I say again 'have you read the thread?'

bessiebumptious2 · 22/10/2015 16:51

hang on, so vagabond should have LTB then? Sometimes, women behave badly - it's not limited to men doing this kind of stuff!

Every situation is different and should be handled accordingly, and in the manner in which those affected deem appropriate and acceptable.

All this 'advice' is actually bollocks and I withdraw my earlier comments.

You're all bloody bonkers.

Vagabond · 22/10/2015 16:51

OP, I hope you will be ok, dear girl.

I wish you the best. Listen to your friends.

penguinplease · 22/10/2015 16:52

If people can as adults use the 'I was drunk I didn't mean it as an excuse ' I think I must be totally unreasonable.
I have never been so drunk that I haven't been fully aware of what I'm doing. It truly amazes me how women in particular are quick to forgive on this basis and just so you know, it's NEVER the other woman's fault. No matter how tempting or lecherous she is, if he's faithful and loyal to you then no one else can break that and if they do then he's not all that.

Sansoora · 22/10/2015 16:52

Offred, I feel Vagabond wont explain her story because she knows it wont stand up to questioning. Im still confused about where he was when Vagabond though he was asleep beside her? And how long he'd been in the room with the woman for something to just be about to happen in 30 seconds if vagabond hadnt gone in. You'd think if he'd gone in just to be a good host and found a naked woman in the bed he'd have backed out of the room like a bat out of hell. There are more holes in the story than a moth eaten jumper.

I cant stand it when the woman is given the blame and the poor hapless husband is seen as the victim.