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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Found a text on his phone....

484 replies

Redwhine · 22/10/2015 06:09

DH was on a work night out last night. He got in at two, which was odd. He was very apologetic about waking me. I knew something was up: I don't know how but I did. At five I checked his phone. There were two texts from a girl I hadn't heard of saying " that must not happen again, just back to normal nothing else I'm sorry" then another message saying " reply to this I need closure". I woke him and asked who she was. He looked sick and couldn't speak... He then said she's a girl at work, they'd been flirting for a few weeks. Last night they went off on their own and 'almost' kissed but didn't. At that point our children woke and we had to stop talking.

I feel sick and I can't stop shaking. We have been together for twelve years, married for seven. Our kids are four and six.

Should I believe him? He keeps saying ' I haven't done anything' but what he's admitted to makes me feel sick. Am I overreacting?

OP posts:
Offred · 22/10/2015 15:52

Thing is though it is unlikely you'll get the truth. The important thing is being able to listen to your own feelings when they tell you that you don't trust him anymore.

Trying to slog through an imitation of a relationship when there is no trust because you have agreed to not split up before you really processed your feelings is soul destroying.

Vagabond · 22/10/2015 15:56

I'm so sorry this happened but I fear that you might get caught up in everyone else's experience.

Just judge the situation for what it actually is.

It probably was just a kiss.

And you can recover from that.

Offred · 22/10/2015 15:57

It's not so much the truth as the trust I think. How he's drip fed and minimised has damaged the trust as well as the damage from the affair IMO. In no way has he shown that he is willing or able to do the right thing. The only reasonable thing for the op to feel right now is that he is untrustworthy.

If he wants to be trusted again he needs to prove it. On his own, through his own choices without nudges or demands from you red.

Joysmum · 22/10/2015 15:58

she was as much in the running for this as he was and given their previous shared kiss they both knew what was going to happen last night. It was a date under the guise of a works night out

Exactly Sad

MatrixReloaded · 22/10/2015 15:58

It's a bit off to go to an event you weren't invited to. It also seems strange this works night out was arranged at her local pub.

I really think you need some space to think things through, just temporarily.

Vagabond · 22/10/2015 15:59

Offred, there was no affair, as far as the OP has said.

Good lord!

Let's not jump to conclusions.

Cherrybakewells1 · 22/10/2015 16:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SallyMcgally · 22/10/2015 16:03

Excellent advice from vagabond, OP. I'm so sorry this has happened to you, but I do worry that you're going to end up going nuts with all the well-meant advice on this thread. Take some time, talk to your lovely friend, be gentle with yourself.

Offred · 22/10/2015 16:05

No vagabond, as far as he has admitted there has been no sex.

They've been flirting, they've been engineering ways to spend time with each other, they've been kissing...

Your personal belief may be that that is not something which you see as an affair. I don't think many people would share your view. I don't think you can pronounce that it categorically isn't as everyone has different boundaries where affairs are concerned.

BathtimeFunkster · 22/10/2015 16:07

It probably was just a kiss.

Confused

Even her husband has given up on that particular line of minimisation.

She knows for a fact it was more than "a kiss". Hmm

HeartsTrumpDiamonds · 22/10/2015 16:08

I'm sorry OP, I think you have to prepare yourself for the fact that this has been more than just a couple of kisses.

ForChina · 22/10/2015 16:13

Closure usually refers to sex. I can't imagine anyone needing closure after a kiss. I'm really sorry, OP. :(

I think you need to ask him to leave unless he can be truthful with you. Say you know the full story and just want to hear it from him, perhaps?

Canyouforgiveher · 22/10/2015 16:13

*Good lord!

Let's not jump to conclusions*

If you saw those texts on your husband's phone after he came in at 2 am and he then denied anything happened, and then finally admitted yes there was a kiss on two separate occasions, would you really say "right that's all there is then, just a kiss, nothing more, no affair, better keep a sense of proportion" or would you maybe consider some other conclusions?

Maybe op and her DH will weather this one. but pretending nothing happened won't be the way to do it.

Original poster
Redwhine · 22/10/2015 16:15

My children are home and it's hard to write, but I am reading and appreciating messages. Also knowing that my feelings are normal... As I actually feel deranged! Seriously crazy!

I've not decided what to do. If we stay together we will need to see s counsellor and he will need another job. Can't think beyond tonight which is my sons parents evening (just what I need). Can't eat: tried to and was sick. Feel very shaky as have not eaten all day.

OP posts:
Offred · 22/10/2015 16:17

Maybe op and her DH will weather this one. but pretending nothing happened won't be the way to do it.

Exactly.

Vagabond · 22/10/2015 16:18

Thank you SallyMcGally.

I think the Relationships section of this website is fantastic but you often see the same people posting advice who have been through terrible traumas and betrayals.

I am reminded of the saying "misery loves company".

I "caught" my partner in a compromising situation with a houseguest after we all got drunk and stupid at our house one night. I woke up an hour after I thought we'd all gone to sleep and woke up and wondered why he wasn't in bed with me. I got up to find him chatting to our (lech of a female) guest in her bedroom, extremely drunk and acting inappropriately. Not kissing... but it wouldn't have been long. Another 30 seconds and....

Anyway, my point is, we are all fallible and do stupid, bloody stupid things. Both of them have been humiliated by the event and now, after two years, it's all mostly forgotten. There is no fear in my mind that it would happen again. He was so distraught by what DID happen (which was minimal) that I have no trust issues. He still gets the eerie jeebies when it ever comes up.

Your husband did something stupid. The girl in question is obviously stressed about it. It was a mistake. A stupid, drunk mistake.

Forgive and forget. In MY opinion, what he did will be a ballast for him never doing something so stupid again.

I think you will be fine. Just be kind to each other.

Fugghetaboutit · 22/10/2015 16:18

I think you need to ask him to leave for a bit so he realises what he could stand to lose.

Otherwise you'll fall quickly back to normal and he'll think it wasn't that bad and it was. I don't think you saying 'if you did anything more I would leave you' is great either, kind of let's him off.

Imgivinguponyou · 22/10/2015 16:21

Why did he get in at 2am if he went to the pub? And don't tell me he walked her home and they had a goodnight kiss on the doorstep. It's not the 1950s.

BathtimeFunkster · 22/10/2015 16:21

So because you overlooked your lech of a husband going into a female guest's room and trying it on, everybody has to pretend that they are happy with shit men who treat them like shit?

I think the person who wants company in her misery here is you.

Offred · 22/10/2015 16:22

Are you reading the same thread?

A. Your husband not kissing but nearly kissing another woman one time when drunk is not the same as two kisses and flirting in a sustained contact.

B. Neither of them were drunk when they engineered the opportunity for repeating the kiss. Neither of them were drunk when they were flirting at work.

C. He hasn't shown any sign of wanting it to end. She ended it, he texted her to agree it should end when red made him. He is crying sure, but he is excusing his behaviour (while his wife was recovering from a miscarriage) by telling her 'it was nothing'.

Cherrybakewells1 · 22/10/2015 16:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ConkersDontScareSpiders · 22/10/2015 16:24

I think it possible there's been an EA and then a few kisses as opposed to definitely anything further. But you have to be a very strong person to be able to get over even that really-capable of switching off your head when you start questioning everything for the millionth time. I tried and couldn't manage it unfortunately-even though in my case exH was I think genuinely sorry and it was a one off that wouldn't have happened again-I just couldnt get over it.
Hopefully OP will have a happier ending whatever you decide x much love to you x

Offred · 22/10/2015 16:25

And I was so miserable when I was in a relationship like this that I was suicidal. Leaving a miserable relationship does not have to be misery, it is happiness.

I'm happy now I'm not so there's no issue with wanting other people to be miserable. Happiness comes from being true to yourself whether you leave or stay IMO, what is best for Red is something she has to decide for herself.

Vagabond · 22/10/2015 16:26

Please ignore the "leave the bastard comments" on this thread.

They don't know you. Relationships are intricate and life is complicated. You are being bombarded by the wrong messages right now.

Keep your head. If you love your husband and you think you can trust him (outside of this), then believe in your instincts.

Why on earth would you throw him out over this? That is so wrong.

You need to communicate with your husband and assess how you feel and decide what is best for YOUR family. Ignore MN advice. The advice you get here is too bitter to be unbiased by (justifiable) bitterness.

Offred · 22/10/2015 16:28

TBH I think you sound delusional and defensive about your decision to stay in your relationship.

Most people are instructing her to get some space to recover before she decides what she does and saying they wouldn't/couldn't recover when it did or if it happened to them.