just found out his friend isn't just a friend # 2

[binders1]

Binder army, please find me.

In summary found out 10 days ago OH has been having an affair for the 14 years we have been together and we have one DS 8 yrs. OW is someone he has been sleeping with since college. She is married with 2 dc' s and who knows OH could be biological father of child(re n). She is also someone we have been to lunches and dinners twice yearly where she has acted inappropriately. When questioned OH years ago he said I was mad and denied a relationship except friendship. Found porno photos of them over the decades in the loft.

I don't know what else to say as so much info was in thread 1. I have relied on the support of the old thread. I call them my binder army. Tomorrow is d day, he leaves the house or we do.

I think it's excellent progress. I hope he keeps his word tomorrow. I've just read your post to my DH binder and after 23 yrs plus married my DH has announced he's in love with your sister! I've told him to get in line as im a little bit in love with her too.

I'd also be cautious tonight binder - if you get back from your sisters and he is in your bed what will you do? I would be worried about his behaviour tonight and hope he does go tomorrow. Have you arranged your rl army to come back again to make sure he goes?

I have read your update, and the only thing I can say is

"you are being played like a fiddle"

I am still a member of Binders Army, but your STBXP pulled the 'blinder' today.

He then came out and started unloading it and crying and for the first time ever apologised and asked me to forgive him, we can work it out etc. I was crying too for all the hurt he had caused me. He suggested a separation for a while but I said no, it's over, there is no going back.

You said that today was the first time that STBXP apologised - well he has never said "Sorry" prior to today has he? But he did today and has actually offered to move out tomorrow.

Phew! he finally got it!

Now read this sentence I think I've really got a chance of us staying here I assume you mean you and DS, but you might mean you, DS and DP.

Binders, stop and think. Do you want to find a way to fix it? If you do, nobody on this thread will think any less of you. You have had great advice on your threads, but do YOU need some time to think? The Binders Army don't have to live with the consequences of your decision, nor does Ms Rottweiller.

If, after today, you are still clear that you want to finish the relationship, then your Binders Army is behind you.

Still saying prayers and sending positive thoughts

I hope you have lots of support tomorrow Binders.

I am sorry but I would not count on him being a decent human being.

By talking to your son together, he may try to push it all on you so you may want to be mentally prepared for it and speak to your sister about what words to use to make it clear this isn't on you.

I would just be ready after he has accused you several times of breaking up the family despite his actions being the cause.

I am not suggesting a slagging match in front of DS but something to say if he says 'mummy wants to longer live with me which is why I have to leave.'

In case he tries to use DS as a pawn in getting you to stay by manipulating him.

I am hoping he is a decent human being but so far he has proved himself to be anything but.

Good luck for tomorrow.

Have someone on hand for support afterwards.

Can someone come back with you?

I agree with the Pp....he didn't think that you would follow through with your plans and by 'crying' he hoped you would cave.

The level of his entitlement has no bounds......please remember he last slept with the hag at Christmas.

Binders I read your latest update and sat for quite some time wondering what to say. Thankfully sadwidow and Numb have explained much of it already.

This is the line which concerns me the most:
He said he wanted to see DS and us both speak with him together which speaking to him together I think is a good idea.

...because this ^ will be the most telling time of whether he is truly^ doing the right thing or not. I'm worried that he'll play on your emotions and commitment to ensuring DS's well-being by trying to pin the blame of the separation on you, saying that it's your choice that one of you has to leave.

Is there any chance your sister could be in the house when you have this conversation?

I think it's a good sign. I think pressure from his dad/parents has brought to bear and he realises the game is up. You have made it clear it's over, there is no going back, and reality is beginning to bite for him. Good. About time.

With his dad's powerful opinion bearing down on him, which is clearly having an effect, I don't know if he will put ds through the wringer.His dad has made it hotly clear his gs comes first at all costs. I do think oh has registered that.

I do hope it all goes well tonight and that he honours his promise to leave tomorrow.

Binders, you have been amazing. Yy dsis and fil may be fiery - astonishingly fortuitous to have them on the scene - but they're not living this directly: you are and you have been marvellous. Really you have done so well

Yes I think it is wise to speak to DS together - but beware. I did this with my 2 DSs (who were then teenagers) and their father very carefully explained about separation and they would live in the same house with me etc etc.

He didn't mention the OW (well, he said it wasn't strictly an OW as he didn't meet her until we had decided to split - we stayed together a bit longer than I had wanted because the DSs were doing GCSE and A levels.)

I don't want to hijack your thread, but I just felt he tried to put a his own spin on the situation and I was left taken aback. I told them after he had gone but wish I had had the presence of mind to have mentioned it in front of him.

You could print this out for him to read tonight.

www.goodtoknow.co.uk/family/273953/Divorce--How-and-when-to-tell-the-kids

binders I am wondering about this development.

He said he didn't want to just leave and DS come home and see him gone.

I don't think this is true. If his real concern was how to break it to DS he could go to his parents' now and then meet you and DS somewhere tomorrow to have the talk. I think that he just doesn't want to leave and is appealing to DS' welfare as he knows you'll listen to that.

I am not sure you will have an easy time when you get home and I would be surprised if things don't kick off tomorrow, when he really has to go. It's possible your DS will be a calming influence, but maybe not. Just make sure you have support.

And you're doing brilliantly!!!

I hesitate in typing this, but I am going to say it anyway, although I apologise in advance if I am being alarmist.

There is significant research which suggests the most dangerous time for a woman and her children is when a relationship is breaking up. In my professional capacity I have done quite a bit of research into 'family annihilators' and there tend to be character traits amongst these (mainly) men who commit such crimes. They tend to be controlling, narcissistic and are their most dangerous when they feel they are losing control of a situation.

If you are reading Binders I would suggest a change of plan for tonight - why don't you bring DS with you to your Dsis tonight for a sleepover? And make sure you have plenty of RL support with you tomorrow. x

Just catching up and hoping that it goes as well as it can do tomorrow, OP.

Now read this sentence I think I've really got a chance of us staying here I assume you mean you and DS, but you might mean you, DS and DP.

How you could assume she means the latter is beyond me. You are seeing things.

What Simone said. I think he's going to pull out all the stops tonight and tomorrow to get you to change your mind. Please be very careful, Binders.

How exciting to have so many people sitting at their computers feverishly pressing "refresh"

Let's not forget that this is someone's real life, not a soap opera with the next thrilling installment. I'm pretty certain that of all the emotions OP will be feeling, 'excited' is not one of them.

Sending BIG virtual hugs to binder have what must have been an awful day!

Best of luck and lots of love for tomorrow keep strong as I've said before you are a true lady xx

Sansoora

Wind your neck in! And it isn't often I get cross on MN.

I think this sounds really positive. Far better it's done on fairly mutual grounds and you speak to DS together, than you forced the issue of him leaving tonight. You are doing so well. Good for you. Sending you positive vibes. And

I think you did brilliantly Blinders.

You took him to the point where he could see that this really going to happen, you were really going to leave or he would have to. His 'joyful' chirpy demeanour of the past few days, the comments to his father on the phone 'she's not going anywhere' and so on ... he never, ever thought this would happen. I know you told him it would ... but I honestly don't think the true reality of the situation hit home until today.

Your determination and focus, your anger, your sister's anger, the support you gathered round you today with your friends, the way you stood your ground, the logic of your arguments ... meant that he could see with his own eyes that you actually were going to follow through. Today was the day reality dawned, the penny dropped, the chickens came home (insert other appropriate cliche of choice) for him and I think there is a real chance he will go to his parents.

The line about 'if it hadn't been for the fact we had a son to consider, I'd have been gone on day one' was absolutely brilliant and that one sentence said better than anything else, regardless of anything else - you and me, we're over.

Prepare for the transition into a more subdued, sad demeanour ... tears in the eyes .... that sort of thing. The recent chirpiness will be gone I'm sure and he'll likely be moving into downcast 'has it really come to this?' mode, rather than kicking off tomorrow. There may possibly also be a bit more begging and pleading but if you can come through that and get him out of the door with a suitcase in his hand ... then you'll have achieved the best possible outcome from the events of the past week and today.

I don't think he's played you like a fiddle. Far from it. I think you were the orchestrator of events today. Well done.

Blinders?

Binders

... and I haven't even had a drink!

*Sansoora

Wind your neck in! And it isn't often I get cross on MN.*

So what.

I don't think he's played you like a fiddle. Far from it. I think you were the orchestrator of events today

Spot on.

I agree I don't think you've been played at all today. He was just manipulative enough to think he could control this situation as well and have his own way. You showed him he couldn't.