just found out his friend isn't just a friend # 2

[binders1]

Binder army, please find me.

In summary found out 10 days ago OH has been having an affair for the 14 years we have been together and we have one DS 8 yrs. OW is someone he has been sleeping with since college. She is married with 2 dc' s and who knows OH could be biological father of child(re n). She is also someone we have been to lunches and dinners twice yearly where she has acted inappropriately. When questioned OH years ago he said I was mad and denied a relationship except friendship. Found porno photos of them over the decades in the loft.

I don't know what else to say as so much info was in thread 1. I have relied on the support of the old thread. I call them my binder army. Tomorrow is d day, he leaves the house or we do.

Glad things have moved on even if they haven't been concluded good luck for tomorrow

Fairenuff has got the exact measure of the Binders situation:

"Let's not forget that this is someone's real life, not a soap opera with the next thrilling installment."

I have sat on, and supported, many OP threads where a wronged wife/partner works through facing up to infidelity. It isn't black and white because emotions (and love) are in play.

Love doesn't come through a tap that has a turn-on and turn-off switch. That is why a partner who is cheated on finds it so hard to stop loving and caring. They hadn't 'checked out of the relationship', in fact - sometimes they were paddling upstream with all their energy and wondering why they weren't making any headway.

For some people it is right to leave the relationship immediately. For others, there may be a chance to salvage.

It is only 2 weeks since Binders' discovered the infidelity and she has suppressed her anger throughout for the sake of DS. Let Binders decide the next step that is right for her and her DS. At this stage we just need to be ready to support her - whatever her decision is.

The decision must be for Binders to make - not ours, not Rottweiller sister's, not MIL who wants it all fixed...... just Binder's.

Still praying and sending love to you Binders

well said sadwidow

Well done binders, and well done sis and (it seems) FIL.

Sadly it took other people he respected to make him realise how badly he had treated you.

It's fascinating that he thinks there is anything to come back from here.

Have a good night and I hope all goes well tomorrow.

I think you did really well, it must have been a nightmare for you today

Just take it one step at a time as you must be physically, mentally and emotionally exhausted

It would be ideal if you could both sit down calmly and agree what you are going to say to Ds but I'm not sure how dh will handle it

I know it's difficult but try and get some rest tonight x

There was nothing in Binders last post to indicate she was thinking of not going through with leaving, absolutely nothing. And until such times there is an indication from Binders that she's thinking of giving things another go its not up to us to add more to her plate by misinterpreting her posts just for the sake of having something to say.

My god he's putting you through the mill though, you must feel utterly wiped out after today. What are you doing tonight, do you have anyone with you? I agree with other posters you need to be wary both of him begging and pleading with you and of his input into your conversation with DS but if you can just manage to stay strong for a little longer you're almost there. I still won't believe he will go til he actually does it and you probably won't either but I do think it's finally dawning on him that you mean it when you say it's over so that's definite progress. I hope you're ok Binders, I've never wanted to give someone I don't know a hug as much as I do you, you've been so amazing through all this but it must all still hurt like hell. We're here if you need us.

Maybe I'm misinterpreting, but are you bring DS home for bed and then going to your sister's? I'm not so sure that's wise. Can you trust STBX not to wake him and 'have a talk' when you aren't there? Maybe it would be better for DS to fall asleep at your sister's and both of you come home in the morning.

I also think that your sister should be there tomorrow. She can sit in another room to give you privacy when you and 'he' have a talk with DS. I have a feeling that 'he' will be pulling out the emotional 'Mummy says Daddy must go but Daddy doesn't want to and will miss you so much his heart is breaking, isn't it too bad of Mummy?' crap that so many of them pull. I think he'd be less likely to do that if your sister is in another room ready to intervene and take DS out of the room. It'll also speed along his departure if you have backup showing that you really mean it.

I'm sorry to be so gloom and doom, but I just don't see him meekly telling DS and then departing quietly.

The one thing that has shone through Binders posts from the moment her OH confessed the truth, is that she has never for a nano second thought this relationship could be fixed. So I'm at a loss to understand why it is now being brought into the equation. It's actually quite insulting, as well as being blatantly untrue. to suggest that she has "been played like a fiddle". In actual fact, she has held all the power, and still does.

De lurking to say best of luck, but are you sure leaving your child alone with him is wise? Or even both of you alone all night with "D" P is concerning, to be honest. Please be cautious.

Binders said she was going for the evening. I don't blame her after everything.

I had rather hoped that my comment would be interpreted in a slightly different way.

Better just to say what you mean then so that you can't be misinterpreted. So what if people want to support OP. If you don't want to then don't post.

I can see now why your posts have been deleted.

Sansoora I suggest you read the first thread (40 pages) and all 10 pages of this thread.

Binders sought legal advice on Wednesday evening.

She then gave an ultimatum to OH for 4pm Saturday - either STBXP left or she would. Then last night other MNetters told their stories about leaving the family home and losing assets. So Binders was in a quandry this morning.

I have no knowledge about infidelity and separation - I have always admitted that.

I add nothing more, and nothing less to this very sad situation. However, I will remind Binders that any decisions are hers to make - and she can change her mind even when she says "This is what I am doing tomorrow". She can even decide to try again with her OH if that is what she chooses to do because it is HER life! I'll still be on this thread supporting her whenever I can. If Binders gets some head space but wants to try again in 1 or 2 months, I will still be on this thread supporting her. If she decides to separate permanently and split the family assets, I will still be here supporting her.

It is only 2 weeks from discovery and Binders has been running on adrenaline. As far as I recall, she has only cried ONCE on her sister's shoulder (about 10 days ago).

All I can do is to be here to support her as she makes her own decisions.

Sansoora I suggest you read the first thread (40 pages) and all 10 pages of this thread.

I dont have to. I was posting on it.

Sansoora. There are "experts" on this thread.

Ours is not to reason why.

I have a picture in my mind of MN HQ,

Swig of gin, delete,

Swig of gin, delete,

Swig of gin,................ and so on.

One gin, two gin, three gin, four.
Five gin, six gin, seven gin, floor.

Binders hopefully you missed all that. It wasn't that bad, don't worry. You sometimes get the odd few on a thread who like to play devil's advocate.

Mmm, gin...

Hi binders I just wanted to say you did brilliantly today.

Sending you lots of strength for tomorrow and your stbx lot's of kicks up his arse on his way out!

Binders

I am so sorry that you are going through this. You are such a strong woman and I really hope that he does the right thing tomorrow.

Thinking of you and your ds.

Great update Binders, brilliant news.

Bit sad that such a supportive bunch of people has seemingly been joined by some complete git who keeps writing shit that has to be deleted - as if you haven't had enough of fucking knob-heads who don't know when to fuck off recently! Never mind, hope tomorrow goes well, and your stbxh leaves as promised.