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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

just found out his friend isn't just a friend # 2

999 replies

binders1 · 16/10/2015 21:21

Binder army, please find me.

In summary found out 10 days ago OH has been having an affair for the 14 years we have been together and we have one DS 8 yrs. OW is someone he has been sleeping with since college. She is married with 2 dc' s and who knows OH could be biological father of child(re n). She is also someone we have been to lunches and dinners twice yearly where she has acted inappropriately. When questioned OH years ago he said I was mad and denied a relationship except friendship. Found porno photos of them over the decades in the loft.

I don't know what else to say as so much info was in thread 1. I have relied on the support of the old thread. I call them my binder army. Tomorrow is d day, he leaves the house or we do.

OP posts:
bessiebumptious2 · 29/10/2015 20:04

I mean, deserves a face to face meeting with you, not deserves a cheating wife!!

Offred · 29/10/2015 20:06

Don't go if you don't want to go. Tell him it is too soon and you and your son are still coming to terms with it yourselves if necessary.

MissMarpleCat · 29/10/2015 20:08

Perhaps she's denying it and he's looking for evidence from you?

Original poster
binders1 · 29/10/2015 20:10

I would probably suggest a nearby hotel in lounge area where you can get a coffee, offering privacy but public area as well and I think I would ask rotty across just to be discreetly around.

OP posts:
Chippednailvarnish · 29/10/2015 20:13

Definitely take your sister and copies of the photos. I have to admit I don't have a good feeling about him asking to meet...

bessiebumptious2 · 29/10/2015 20:20

Not sure why you would think anything other than he probably needs to talk to you about it - I'm sure I would if I'd had a phone call out of the blue and it's such a potentially life changing piece of news. Damned right I'd want to know as much as the person informing me that my life was about to change irrevocably.

His devastation may be just as bad as yours. Perhaps he has more information that will help you piece more stuff together (as if you need it!).

VimFuego101 · 29/10/2015 20:26

If you do go I would have your sister or someone be there first so you can see if he shows up with OW in tow. Easier just not to walk into that situation than to have to extricate yourself from it.

bessiebumptious2 · 29/10/2015 20:28

He surely wouldn't be that crass, would he?? To let binders walk into a trap in which OW is there to plead her case? Nooo..... no-one would do that. Tell me they wouldn't...

mathanxiety · 29/10/2015 20:30

I would go, Binders. My guess is he wants to wrap his head around it all and may need to see the photos and hear what you heard from your H about the Christmas rendezvous, etc.

His DW may have accused him of being a paranoid and horrible human being over the years if he has ever confronted her, and he may need to see a smoking gun as a result.

I also agree he may be able to help you fill some blanks, especially in light of his 'not again' comment.

I would take Rotty and the photos and your suggestion of the hotel lounge would be really good.

LittleFrankenFooFoo · 29/10/2015 20:34

I'm sure he wantswhatAltoswouldwasn't, information, sympathy, a friendly, straightforward, safe person to help him deal with this, just as binders needed when it was happening to her.

AcrossthePond55 · 29/10/2015 20:38

Hotel lounge would be perfect, I think. And Rotty. She's pretty perfect, too Grin.

Others are right. He probably just needs to talk about things face to face, I think I can understand that. It's devastating news (for both of you) and I think I'd want to 'sound things out' with the other person who was as deeply involved and hurt by two such thoughtless people.

DragonsCanHop · 29/10/2015 20:43

Hotel lounge does sound right. You are the obvious person for him to want to talk to, you understand how raw it all is for him.

But please only do what you feel is right for you Flowers

TombStoneTessie · 29/10/2015 21:08

As long as it is the OWH that sent the text,not her Hmm
I would call him when you arrange it rather than text,just in case.

SlightlyJaded · 29/10/2015 21:08

Just based on how you described him upthread, I doubt he is setting a trap for you to walk into featuring OW.

His initial reaction on the phone was "oh no, not again", he didn't once ask you "are you sure?" "are you mad?" or anything else that would suggest he would be easily persuaded that you were lying

As others have said, I think he just wants to talk it through and you are of course, the obvious person. Not only do you have the facts, but he will see you as someone who is going through a similar heartache and someone who can offer empathy.

Hotel is perfect
Rotters on the next table is perfect.

You may find it quite therapeutic too. I would meet him.

FoxesSitOnBoxes · 29/10/2015 21:23

Entirely up to you Binders. You've done the right thing in letting him know but you really don't have any responsibility to help him through this if you think it is going to be too emotionally draining for you.
If you are up for it though, your hotel lobby idea with lovely sister is a good plan. Flowers

Ohfourfoxache · 29/10/2015 21:28

Hotel with Rotty there sounds absolutely perfect, but I agree with Tombstone that it would be better to speak to him to confirm arrangements. Might be an idea to actually say to him that you would prefer to speak so that you can be sure it's not a trap - I'm sure he'd understand.

How is ds?

MissBattleaxe · 29/10/2015 21:47

I would meet him for sure, but yes Rotty on next table ( behind a newspaper!) would be a plan. Poor man probably has a million questions.

If he has confronted OW, she is probably gas lighting him or minimizing it so he needs proof and clarity to make a decisions. If he hasn't, he probably wants to really sure of facts and dates etc in case she no doubt denies it.

That's my guess anyway. Good luck Binders. Poor you and poor him.

MeganBacon · 29/10/2015 22:15

I doubt very much Rotty needs to be there, I can't understand why this situation would be threatening. Just meet in a local Costa or Starbucks. I would think he was so shocked when he got the call that he is now wondering whether he dreamt it or not. 30 seconds that completely changed his life. He needs to talk it over a bit more to know it's real, he'll want dates and he'll want to know what was said when you confronted him. He'll want to know what form his wife's admission took. He'll want to see the text she sent. And he deserves to see it really, because it's hard for him to make life changing decisions on the basis of a brief phone call out of the blue.
You don't have to do anything though Binders, but it would probably just help him if you could see you way clear to meeting him.

MissBattleaxe · 29/10/2015 22:17

I don't think the situation is threatening at all, but Binders might need some moral support afterwards. It will almost certainly be emotional.

SlightlyJaded · 29/10/2015 23:16

It's an aside, but

cheating twuntfucks - male/female - whatever. They REALLY don't consider the scale of the fallout do they?

It isn't enough that they destroy families. It's everything. The 'little' things:

Having to tell friends/family.

Their ex having to decide whether or not to go through with an emotionally draining/possibly trapped meeting with the other 'humiliated' party in a public place.

Things that nobody should have to do.

Stupid, selfish fuckers.

Original poster
binders1 · 29/10/2015 23:26

I will meet him.

Tombstone - your post gave me the shivers and I'm sure there is no trap or anything sinister but I will speak to him to make the arrangements not via text.

Battle axe you are right rotty would be there just to make me feel ok knowing she is there and if I fall apart when he is gone she is there.

Megan I think he will want more detail than I can give him though. I don't know how many times they've slept together and I don't know all the dates. Yes I've got the photos and we know they were sleeping together throughout, even just before they were due to get married. But I didn't need the minute details, what I knew was more than enough. Plus I wasn't prepared to ask questions and listen to a load of lies. I knew straight away what I needed to do. Ironic how they always had an xmas shag - that would have been coming up shortly! He must have noticed what she was like when we were all together.

Ohfour - thank you for asking about DS. I'm struggling a bit with him this week. EX was having him Today and tomorrow and ds kept saying he didn't want to see him today because he doesn't do anything with him and has now come home saying he doesn't want to see him tomorrow and crying.

I'll see if he can meet me after work tomorrow as I finish early. Sooner I've done it the better.

OP posts:
Original poster
binders1 · 29/10/2015 23:33

Megan -. Yes I forgot there is the text from OW as well.

OP posts:
TheMshipIsBack · 29/10/2015 23:48

Your poor DS. If he doesn't want to see his dad, he shouldn't have to go. It's late, but is it possible to arrange something else for tomorrow or for his dad to have him for only a short period with a defined activity e.g. lunch?

Best of luck with the meeting. I'm sure you will handle it with the grace and dignity you've shown throughout. Flowers

AcrossthePond55 · 30/10/2015 00:04

I don't know how many times they've slept together and I don't know all the dates. Yes I've got the photos and we know they were sleeping together throughout, even just before they were due to get married. But I didn't need the minute details, what I knew was more than enough. Plus I wasn't prepared to ask questions and listen to a load of lies. I knew straight away what I needed to do.

And that is all you need to tell him. That and the pics and texts. If that's not enough for him, then he's a fool. And if he is, it's not your problem.

I feel so bad for you and DS. I don't think I'd insist he see his dad if he's set against it.

Original poster
binders1 · 30/10/2015 00:13

Thanks Across - I will. I'd rather he didn't spend the day with EX if DS is going to be crying about it but want to encourage regular contact. I've told EX he needs to make an effort - even if it's just taking a walk and really talking to his son,show an interest, have a laugh - DS is a very funny little boy, watch him play a football match - show him you are interested!

OP posts: