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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

just found out his friend isn't just a friend # 2

999 replies

binders1 · 16/10/2015 21:21

Binder army, please find me.

In summary found out 10 days ago OH has been having an affair for the 14 years we have been together and we have one DS 8 yrs. OW is someone he has been sleeping with since college. She is married with 2 dc' s and who knows OH could be biological father of child(re n). She is also someone we have been to lunches and dinners twice yearly where she has acted inappropriately. When questioned OH years ago he said I was mad and denied a relationship except friendship. Found porno photos of them over the decades in the loft.

I don't know what else to say as so much info was in thread 1. I have relied on the support of the old thread. I call them my binder army. Tomorrow is d day, he leaves the house or we do.

OP posts:
Original poster
binders1 · 28/10/2015 16:31

Thank you for thinking about me and those posts agreeing I did the right thing. I thought I might start getting posts from people strongly against it, saying I'd done so wrong but as usual throughout I've had nothing but support.

TheCreepy in truth, I've heard NOTHING! It’s a little unnerving really as if there was to be a fallout, I would rather it be done and dusted rather than waiting. I don’t know. The only people who know I have told OWH is the Binder Army and Rotty.

OP posts:
DraenorQueen · 28/10/2015 16:36

Hi Binders, I lurked all through your previous thread an this one. Just another voice to add some support and say that you absolutely did the right thing tell the bloke. Years ago, I was with an awful guy who cheated repeatedly and my "friends" all knew. They didn't tell me because they "didn't want to hurt me" but I never forgave them for letting me carry on oblivious.

Cherrybakewells1 · 28/10/2015 16:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mix56 · 28/10/2015 16:41

Binders, Well I am guessing that OWH has confronted OW, (or maybe he is regrouping his thoughts ?) if he has, OH is bound to know also. It will very much depend on what OWH decides to do about it. There is a very slim possibility that he does nothing & says nothing to her ??? in that case she will still be suffering in doubt which is quite edifying

TheCreepyContessaOfPlumperton · 28/10/2015 16:51

Well I understand your wish to know what (if anything) is going on, but a quiet life is not to be sneezed at!

Glad it's all ok Halloween Smile

Ohfourfoxache · 28/10/2015 16:54

No matter what happens now, whether there is a fallout or everything remains quiet, you know that you can hold your head high and that you've done the right thing

Original poster
binders1 · 28/10/2015 17:04

Thank you Draenor.

Cherry - maybe - I was thinking maybe it might kick off at the weekend. I just need to try and forget about it - it's nothing to do with me anymore. Only how EX treats me about it.

Mix - If EX knows, I would definitely know, so I don't think he does.

eeI will - thank you Ohfour.

The quiet life will suit me just fine TheCreepy.

OP posts:
YellowTulips · 28/10/2015 17:09

My guess would be that OW is too busy trying to save her marriage to bother contacting your ex.

lazarusb · 28/10/2015 17:13

I was in the same position as Draenor once too. It was devastating when I found out how many people had known.

If your ex gives you hassle just remind him that OWH had a right to know. Then refuse to engage further. Your contact at this stage should be limited to discussions about your son.

NumbBlaseCold · 28/10/2015 17:16

OWH may well not have confronted her yet and e preparing himself to once he's got everything in order to do what's best for him and his children.

Ignore your ex, if he starts to harass then report him to the Police.

Friendlystories · 28/10/2015 17:18

Glad you're ok Binders Flowers

Aramynta · 28/10/2015 19:23

Delurking to say I am glad you are OK. Been following this since your first post but never had any constructive advice to add.

Thanks
mathanxiety · 28/10/2015 19:47

It's out of your hands now and let the chips fall where they may. None of this was your fault, you did the right thing in the best possible way by telling the H, and if anyone complains just hang up on them; if they text, respond 'duly noted'.

twoboostwoghouls · 28/10/2015 20:55

Binder, I haven't posted because I really have nothing of use to say, except that I think you are fantastic and I am proud of you, from one woman to another.

Fixitwithwine · 28/10/2015 21:56

Delurking to add support, you're doing amazing binders Smile

AcrossthePond55 · 29/10/2015 12:06

I'm almost persuaded that OWH hasn't said anything to her (yet). His 'not again' comment seems to indicate it's happened before. He's either decided she's worth it Confused or he's laying low making his exit plans, as we often advise women in his position to do.

QuintShhhhhh · 29/10/2015 17:09

He may be getting legal advice and his ducks in order before he does something.

YOU have facilitated that he could prepare and perhaps sort his life before he was hit by rumours, etc.

FrancesNiadova · 29/10/2015 19:00

I just hope that his, "Not again," comment doesn't mean that he's known about them for the last 14years and buried his head in the sand.
Flowers

DontMindMe1 · 29/10/2015 19:28

it might all be quiet for now because OW dh is making his exit plans.......Grin

mathanxiety · 29/10/2015 19:29

I also suspect he is getting his ducks in a row. I would deduce from his comment that this was the final straw.

Original poster
binders1 · 29/10/2015 19:40

OWH has text me to ask if I will meet with him and says he needs to talk to me. I don't really want to but I did say I would speak to him if he needed when I called him.

OP posts:
AcrossthePond55 · 29/10/2015 19:48

I'd go if I were you, but I wouldn't go alone. Not out of fear of harm, but I'd just feel better not walking into the situation alone. I think I'd have Rotty go with me, even if you walked in and sat down separately.

In a way, I'd wonder what he had to say to me that he couldn't say over the phone.

SmashleyHop · 29/10/2015 19:55

Maybe he can't speak because OW is there and he hasn't confronted her yet. He might be looking for the proof you have or maybe just has lots of questions now that he knows. I know it will be hard as you are still dealing with your own emotions but it may be a good thing? If it get too much you could always make your excuses and go. Public place would probably be best though.

AcrossthePond55 · 29/10/2015 19:56

I guess I'm assuming you'd meet at a coffee place or something. If it's in a park or such, I'd just have her walk & sit somewhere nearby, but out of earshot.

I wouldn't agree to OWH coming to my house or meeting out of the public eye, though. And I'd be sure that he understood that you do NOT want to see OW. I may be being silly, but he's obviously forgiven her once, you don't want some situation where he sets it up for her to 'explain' or apologize to you. Now I'm really letting my imagination run away with me, aren't I? Confused

bessiebumptious2 · 29/10/2015 20:03

I think he deserves it, tbh, whether he's forgiven her in the past or not. I suspect he hasn't confronted her but it has been festering and he needs to be sure before he makes a decision. Sounds like he'll leave her once he's satisfied that all his loose ends have been tied up, but he needs to be sure.

Sensible.