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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

just found out his friend isn't just a friend # 2

999 replies

binders1 · 16/10/2015 21:21

Binder army, please find me.

In summary found out 10 days ago OH has been having an affair for the 14 years we have been together and we have one DS 8 yrs. OW is someone he has been sleeping with since college. She is married with 2 dc' s and who knows OH could be biological father of child(re n). She is also someone we have been to lunches and dinners twice yearly where she has acted inappropriately. When questioned OH years ago he said I was mad and denied a relationship except friendship. Found porno photos of them over the decades in the loft.

I don't know what else to say as so much info was in thread 1. I have relied on the support of the old thread. I call them my binder army. Tomorrow is d day, he leaves the house or we do.

OP posts:
Sansoora · 26/10/2015 16:40

Cherry - I should not have been so rude.

Flowers
Nonnainglese · 26/10/2015 16:41

What a wonderful sister you have there!
I hope you have a good evening (although the image of her sitting in the dark awaiting his arrival is making me Smile, he'd never know what hit him!)

AlisonWunderland · 26/10/2015 16:56

Doubt that XP would turn up anywhere where OWH could find him!

wannaBe · 26/10/2015 17:09

"not going through this again" sounds very much like the ow has cheated before but doesn't IMO sound as if this is about previous affairs with the op's ex.

Tbh, it sounds very much from this response from the ow's dh as if this was just about sex for the ow rather than emotional connection, and that her previous assertion that it meant nothing was in fact accurate. Obviously that's no consollation for the op and isn't going to make her take her ex back, but there are some for whom an emotional connection cuts far deeper than just a sexual one iyswim. I certainly don't think that the ex is likely to be bringing the ow anywhere - she blatantly has no intentions of leaving her h to be with ex, and given she has children she's not likely to be leaving the family home tonight.

Op - I would be very tempted to tell ex if he gets in touch that ow's h implied that she has form, so you do take some comfort from knowing that for her, he was just a cheap shag. Grin

Mynxie · 26/10/2015 17:25

Well done Binders. I'm so glad he heard it from you rather than the rumour mill.

You will be ok you know, be sure of it. It might not seem like it at this moment but one day you'll look back and be very very proud of yourself and the way you've handled this whole horrible situation.

DaggerEyes · 26/10/2015 17:26

hellokitty needs to draw us all a picture of Rotty in that darkened room, waiting!

Original poster
binders1 · 26/10/2015 17:27

Sansoora - it took me a few minutes but I just got the patio reference! x

OP posts:
Offred · 26/10/2015 17:53

Hope you are able to relax a bit now binders and enjoy some wine and the rottweiler's company.

This at least brings you a bit more closure. It's useless speculating over what he did or didn't know about his wife/your ex. The purpose of telling him was partially to allow you to let go of the last bit that was eating you away so try and let loose tonight.

I think you've behaved admirably throughout. They will think and probably tell people loads of rubbish about you doing it for revenge but to be honest they would, wouldn't they because nothing is ever their fault!

Phoenix0x0 · 26/10/2015 19:06

Just caught up....Grin

Well done binders, he needed to know and you told him with compassion and not that of a scorned women I wouldn't have thought any less of you if you had.

I agree with wanna she has done this before and obviously gets a kick out of these illicit encounters and thinks an emotional connection is far more deeper. You never know he may very well be the same...different strokes for different folks and all that Wink. Anyway, wether he condones this or not, you have done the decent thing and have told him.

Hold your head high, drink those white wine/lemonade spritzers and stay with your Dsis (the very lovely rottweiler) tonight or a few.

Flowers
FoxesSitOnBoxes · 26/10/2015 19:16

What you said was perfect binders. You did the right thing

LittleFeileFooFoo · 26/10/2015 19:17

Just putting in that I think your night with sister and the kids is the perfect antidote!

TwoTonTessie · 26/10/2015 19:31

Well done binders Flowers
She obviously has a history of affairs. There's probably loads of photos gathering dust in lofts up and down the country Halloween Grin

Zetetic · 26/10/2015 19:53

Wow. Things have moved on a bit.

Hope you are feeling ok binders. Also hope that RATBAG starts being a bit more reasonable.

Diamondsmiles · 26/10/2015 20:03

Wow binders I've just rtft. Wow. Well done on how you've handled all this. And if I'm ever in trouble please can I borrow your sister??

mathanxiety · 26/10/2015 20:05

I agree with Wananbe, TwoTon and Phoenix that the OW may have had other affairs, and that the H's comment referred to them, not to the affair between his wife and Binder's stbx.

I also think the OW is correct to assert the sex meant nothing (or wasn't central to her decisions). She is most likely getting a huge kick out of deceiving people, getting away with lies, and the feeling of invincibility, cleverness, superiority that all that brings. She is not doing this for nothing.

Loving the idea of Rottweiler sitting in the dark awaiting the return of Mr McSadsack.

FreakinScaryCaaw · 26/10/2015 20:09

Glad to hear you came to a decision.

She sounds like she has form!

lazarusb · 26/10/2015 20:13

Well done Binders. You did a brave thing and what you said was factual and controlled. It would have been easy to rant. Flowers I'm sure owh is very grateful that you called, especially if he's been through this before.

I think your sister is as amazing as you are. Your parents must be proud to have such strong daughters.

CarpetDiem · 26/10/2015 20:50

Well done binders you have soo done the right thing. I admire you.
Sounds like OW shagged around. OWH had a right to know & he's got a lot to deal with now & that is not your problem, you've dealt with it. EX probably expected this so I don't think he'll come banging round. IME all parties have a sense of relief when it's all out in the open. Wine with lemonade for you Wine for Sister Rottie Star

CarpetDiem · 26/10/2015 20:52

BINDERS in bold! Not crossed out. Soz

QuintShhhhhh · 26/10/2015 21:02

Well done. Flowers

So it looks like she has had others, not just your husband?

SmallLegsOrSmallEggs · 26/10/2015 21:03

Well done binders.
Flowers

Done with real compassion and the offer to talk later was kind.

(It may not be ow who cheated on him it may be a previous rs. But whatever it sounds as if he is u fortu ate emough to have had this happen before nut hopefully that will give him coping strategies)

Lynnm63 · 26/10/2015 21:33

Well done binders, you handled the phone call with your usual grace and Rotty is her usual stellar self. The thought of her sitting in the dark with a cricket bat ready to give Mr Tosspot some attitude adjustment made me smile. I hope you are onto your second or third white wine and lemonade and have thoroughly enjoyed your takeout.

DartmoorDoughnut · 26/10/2015 21:41

Good job Binders Flowers I bloody love your sister's idea of a switcheroo though!

FrancesNiadova · 26/10/2015 21:58

BINDERS, I am blown away by your integrity and strong inner moral code that gives you the strength to do the right thing.
You have considered the feelings & needs of others at a time when most other people would not.
KOKO, you are beyond reproach in any of this & if the others involved had just a grain of your truthfulness & integrity, you wouldn't be in the position that you are now.
Sending best wishes & strength FlowersFlowers

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 26/10/2015 22:11

Glad you've got it out of the way, Binders and hope you went to your sister's.

I think that it's highly likely that the OW's H has found out about her shagging someone before, whether it be Binder's H or someone else, and OW had promised that it would never happen again blah blah so he tried to put it behind him. I suspect that in fact he knew it was Binder's H, but was sworn to secrecy on the grounds that it would only hurt her and since it was all over now anyway, there wasn't any point in telling her and splitting up her family etc. etc. so he didn't. That's what I'm taking from his comment - but anyone else could equally be right about it, who knows.