just found out his friend isn't just a friend # 2

[binders1]

Binder army, please find me.

In summary found out 10 days ago OH has been having an affair for the 14 years we have been together and we have one DS 8 yrs. OW is someone he has been sleeping with since college. She is married with 2 dc' s and who knows OH could be biological father of child(re n). She is also someone we have been to lunches and dinners twice yearly where she has acted inappropriately. When questioned OH years ago he said I was mad and denied a relationship except friendship. Found porno photos of them over the decades in the loft.

I don't know what else to say as so much info was in thread 1. I have relied on the support of the old thread. I call them my binder army. Tomorrow is d day, he leaves the house or we do.

"I'm not going through this again". To me that means that at some point in the past, either he discovered on his own (or someone told him) that your STBX and his wife had slept together or she was caught cheating with someone else. And if the former he decided not to tell you which was pretty shitty, IMO. Either way he obviously decided to forgive her and stay together back then. I tend to think he discovered them and kept it a secret. This time he knows it's public knowledge. May not be so easy to forgive and swallow his pride this time. Regardless, you have done the right thing, it's no longer your concern, and his decision has nothing to do with you and your decision.

Not a bad idea to go to Rotty's. I think that your STBX is too much of a coward to storm over to your house to confront you, but why take the chance. Is there any way you can secure the house against his entry if you do go? I'd also let Rotty answer my phone if he calls rather than let it go to voicemail. That way she can tell him to fuck off to the far side etc and you won't have to hear his voice or have it on your phone.

Thanks everyone - just glad I've got it over and done with.

Oh binders that sounds difficult and I agree with others that you handled it really really well.

To me that means that at some point in the past, either he discovered on his own (or someone told him) that your STBX and his wife had slept together or she was caught cheating with someone else.

I said earlier that I suspected he'd probably had suspicions in the past.

And of course my comment re her cheating on Binders husband was tongue in cheek but the the reality is the husband either knew for a fact what they were up to in the past, and thought it was over, or there was another person in the equation as well.

You did the rigt thing. You thought about him when you really could have just concentrated on your son. You are a lovely person

In regards to the other pair, try not to give them another thought. You owe them nothing (is that a title of a song?)

I don't think the OWH's knew about OW & ex because if he did, surely he would have put a stop to the friendship/relationship and the meals out together as a condition of rebuilding their relationship.

I think she also had someone else on the go.

Try not to be alone tonight.

Your ex may come around if he finds out. It will be better if you are not there alone.

That was my thought too Magoria.

Well done, Binders, very dignified.

I agree. Please leave and go to your sisters.

Oh for Christ Sake. Its great to see the alarmists on board.

You did great by the sounds of it. I suspect you may hear from him later/tomorrow as I suspect once he's initially confronted her, or digested what you've told him, he'll have some questions.

Get yourself over to that wonderful sister of yours, open a bottle of wine, grab a takeaway and relax xx

Im sorry for being so rude Cherry. But we're supposed to be giving Binders support - not scaring the bejesus out of her.

Binders, I think you'll find that as horrible as it was to speak to him in the long run you've done the right thing. You have show integrity for basing your judgement on considered reasoning and have done it as compassionately as you could.

I think we have responsibilities as well as rights in life. We talk about our right to live with dignity, we also have the responsibility to facilitate that right for others. Whatever the impact on his marriage he now can make the informed choice for himself. Not be some puppet at the capricious whims of your ex and the OW. He also has a clear picture of who his actual friends are rather than being surrounded by lies and deception. By staying quiet you would have become an enabler.

Personally I think you should go to your sisters. She can help when the messages start arriving from your ex.

I'm also in the go to your Sisters camp. Not because I think anything will happen, but as torn says I reckon a takeaway and a movie would do you good.

If you stay at home you'll dwell on the conversation and run over it in your head a thousand times. Have a break from it x

I would imagine STBXH will be worried about OWH turning up and smacking him one with a bit of luck

Well done binders,

There are many reasons (some more definite than others) why being surrounded by loving relatives would be a good thing right now. It's a win-win.

I've told Rotty and she told me I don't have a choice. I am staying at hers.

She said if she genuinely thought he was going to pay a visit at mine, she would jump at the chance to trade houses and would happily sit in the dark, patiently waiting for him to arrive. I don't know where her head is at sometimes but I do love her!

A few games with the kids, perhaps a few glasses of white wine and lemonade later and Chinese sounds good!

Thank you my binder army!

I dread to think what large blunt instrument your sister would be waiting with!

Take care.

Thats great Binders. A fab night with your sister.

Ps does she have a patio?