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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

just found out his friend isn't just a friend # 2

999 replies

binders1 · 16/10/2015 21:21

Binder army, please find me.

In summary found out 10 days ago OH has been having an affair for the 14 years we have been together and we have one DS 8 yrs. OW is someone he has been sleeping with since college. She is married with 2 dc' s and who knows OH could be biological father of child(re n). She is also someone we have been to lunches and dinners twice yearly where she has acted inappropriately. When questioned OH years ago he said I was mad and denied a relationship except friendship. Found porno photos of them over the decades in the loft.

I don't know what else to say as so much info was in thread 1. I have relied on the support of the old thread. I call them my binder army. Tomorrow is d day, he leaves the house or we do.

OP posts:
ExasperatedAlmostAlways · 26/10/2015 14:49

You did the right thing, he deserved to know.

The rest is up to him now. I wouldn't answer any call from your ex h or the ow. They were the ones who done wrong to both you and her DH. Don't let anyone make you feel guilty.

Cherrybakewells1 · 26/10/2015 14:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ExBallerina · 26/10/2015 14:50

You absolutely did the right thing, hard as it was.

I have a feeling he probably already knew Sad

BeeRose30 · 26/10/2015 14:51

Binders, you brave brave woman, I think you have done absolutely done the right thing. I can't imagine how hard it must have been to make that call. I think using Goddess' words was a good idea - sometimes it is best to have a 'script' in mind in these situations. You simply stated facts in as gentle a way as you were able. At least now OWH has the information he needs to make decisions about his and his children's lives. Flowers

BeeRose30 · 26/10/2015 14:54

Agree with ExBallerina - it does sound like he knew something, or maybe there'd been a problem in the past

DaggerEyes · 26/10/2015 14:54

Much better a rehearsed, but concise call based on your good intentions for him, than a rant from a vengeful woman. Sounds like you chose the right course of action in telling him, from his point of view. Well done op. Don't answer the phone if it's going to be an abusive torrent from ex.

Wristy · 26/10/2015 14:55

I've lurked on your threads for a while now and never felt I had any advice to give you, I still don't.

I just wanted to say you are so brave, and if it came to it I would want someone just like you backing me up. Well done Flowers

DaggerEyes · 26/10/2015 14:56

And bloody good on you for actually calling him, rather than text.

TheCreepyContessaOfPlumperton · 26/10/2015 14:56

Well done binders Flowers

I'd be tempted to take your son over to your parents or your sister's house and have a 'family sleepover' or something tonight though. I think that might be easier for you emotionally than just sitting there nervously waiting for your phone to possibly explode.

Onmyown1 · 26/10/2015 14:57

I think you told him in a very kind and sympathetic way.

They might be annoyed he knows but who cares, they both bought it on themselves and have no right to be angry at anyone as they caused the whole thing.

Ignore them and concentrate on yourself and son.

So glad you are ok, must of been an awful call to make.

Binders and her army (and sis) keep on marching forward ??

Onmyown1 · 26/10/2015 14:57

Sorry, flowers posted as question marks! Xx

SistersOfPercy · 26/10/2015 14:57

Brave girl. Well done Binders
Flowers

Wristy · 26/10/2015 14:58

You could just switch it off?

There, a little bit of advice, hardly earth shattering I know! Halloween Grin

DaggerEyes · 26/10/2015 15:01

Perhaps Rotty can come over to yours, and answer your calls tonight! wonders what Rottie would say to ow or ex if they dare call moaning

Original poster
binders1 · 26/10/2015 15:02

TheCreepy - DS is with Rotty and nephew today due to half term holidays and he is sleeping over as he is with them tomorrow so that sounds like a good idea, I may go and join them for a sleepover as well.

OP posts:
Original poster
binders1 · 26/10/2015 15:03

Wristy - not earth shattering but I didn't think of it so thank you for the advice and de-lurking!

OP posts:
Elliementalmydearwatson · 26/10/2015 15:04

Well done, from someone who has been in OwH's postition I 100% think you did the right and decent thing by telling him. Flowers

Sansoora · 26/10/2015 15:04

Poor bloke. Poor poor bloke.

As for Binders ex. I wonder how he'd cope with knowing his mistress has more than likely cheated on him in the past if what the husband said is anything to go by.

SmashleyHop · 26/10/2015 15:06

Well done Binders- At least he knows. He heard it from someone directly in the know (not just a rumor mill she could try and defend and lie about) and you did it sympathetically and with good intentions. There could be a fallout from OW or EX but frankly if they give you a hard time just tell them you'll call the police for harassment and I bet they back off quick- they core of who they are is cowardice.

springydaffs · 26/10/2015 15:10

Perfect call. You made it absolutely clear what your motive was. You did it out of kindness and decency.

And who cares what the skanky pair think? They've brought the entire thing on themselves. How dare they assume you should cover up their dirty little secret for them Angry

Well done Flowers

TheCreepyContessaOfPlumperton · 26/10/2015 15:13

I would if I were you binders - for a bit of gin tea and sympathy if nothing else!

I had assumed you were keeping your phone on so that anyone important could get in touch, and if your DS is elsewhere then you're even less likely to turn it off. Going to join him will kill 2 birds with 1 stone.....

Pleurepaslabouchepleine · 26/10/2015 15:19

Binder you are being really brave Flowers

Friendlystories · 26/10/2015 15:19

That must have been an incredibly difficult call to make Binders but yes you did the right thing telling him and it sounds like you did it as sensitively as possible. Any backlash from EX or OW requires no more response than 'he had a right to know and it was better coming from me than some gossip' or no response at all, whichever you feel happier with. Don't let either of them make you feel guilty, they're the ones who did this to him (and you) and they have no more right to expect you to keep it from him than your own family, it's not for you to shoulder the responsibility of their guilty secret. Hope you're ok, I'm glad you got it over with and think the family sleepover at Rotty's is a good idea, you've done nothing wrong but it would better to have her as a buffer if EX does try to get in touch and you'll feel better with company so it doesn't all keep going round in your head. You never fail to amaze me with your bravery and integrity Binders, sending you a big hug (don't care how un-mumsnetty it is) and some Cake

AlisonWunderland · 26/10/2015 15:27

Binders gave EX and OW plenty of time to tell OWH themselves.

Fairenuff · 26/10/2015 15:28

Put it out of your mind now. If he has any further questions, he will come back to you as you suggested but for it's done and you can breathe a huge sigh of relief.

If your dh has a problem with it, just tell him that 'everyone' knew about it and he was bound to find out sooner or later. The OW should have had the decency to tell him herself but as she didn't at least he won't find out from idle gossip which would be much more hurtful to him.