just found out his friend isn't just a friend # 2

[binders1]

Binder army, please find me.

In summary found out 10 days ago OH has been having an affair for the 14 years we have been together and we have one DS 8 yrs. OW is someone he has been sleeping with since college. She is married with 2 dc' s and who knows OH could be biological father of child(re n). She is also someone we have been to lunches and dinners twice yearly where she has acted inappropriately. When questioned OH years ago he said I was mad and denied a relationship except friendship. Found porno photos of them over the decades in the loft.

I don't know what else to say as so much info was in thread 1. I have relied on the support of the old thread. I call them my binder army. Tomorrow is d day, he leaves the house or we do.

I'm also de-lurking to say i think you are doing absolutely the right thing in telling the husband.

My ExH had an affair with one of my friends, her husband found out (or at least suspected) months before me but never told me he just tried to "warn off" my husband. The humiliation of everyone knowing before me was one of the worst things I have ever felt, suddenly all the strange looks that people had been giving me made sense. Rightly or wrongly I felt they had been looking at me and thinking "poor woman". I felt I deserved to have all the info so I could make informed choices about my life and that had been denied me (albeit with good intentions).

I'm sending you strength, the husband definitely deserves to know.

Definitely the right decision.
And as PPs have said, sooner rather than later.
You'll worry too much otherwise and lose sleep etc...
Be as kind as you can which will not be not easy in this situation.
KOKO!

When people cheat their partners often sense that 'something' is not right but can't put their finger on it. Like you yourself did Binders at the start of your first thread.

Or they actually suspect their partner but have no proof. They may have even asked the cheating partner outright and have been lied to. So many threads on mn start with a 'feeling' not tangible to put into words and posters are going mad with worry and suspicion.

Sometimes it is actually a relief to have it confirmed. To know that you weren't imagining things, that your instincts weren't wrong, that you can trust yourself and believe in yourself. The person who lied to you did that. They let you believe it was all in your head. That's what they're like. So selfish.

So telling him gives him back autonomy. He gets to make the choices now. He gets to choose where his boundaries lie, what behaviour is ok and what is not.

I would tell him sooner rather than later. Get it over with and then get on with sorting out what you need to move on. Regarding your ex becoming difficult, Binders, I think you need to get legal and financial advice so that you know what needs to be done and can get the ball moving. He is unpredictable at the moment and if he stops paying for anything it could get very messy.

Thinking of you,and poor owh.

I am going to go against everyone else's advice and tell you not to tell him. You need to concentrate on yourself and your own, because you will be taking on his issues and emotions. I say this because you come over as a level headed, kind woman and he will want more than just that first phone call or visit believe me and it will be draining. He will find out and he will speak to you any way. His humiliation, however awful it is, is not your responsibility.

I think matters will quickly become explosive between yourself and your stbxh and although he completely deserves it, it will just add more stress to your difficult situation. He is already unpredictable.

Years ago, I saw a friend's DF kiss another girl in a pub and I got the feeling there was more to it than a one off. I chose to say nothing for a variety of reasons, following my instincts being the prominent one. It all came out when she caught them together and his first words were "Did Elsie say something". I won't go into the details of what she said to me but I lost a friend. I still think I did the right thing because she got back together with him for him to continue to philander. I know your situation is different, but just protect yourself.

So she wanted to be told then Elsie and your friend felt that you let her down by keeping this secret from her?

I think most people who are being cheated on want to be told.
It's awful when you realise others knew but hadn't bothered to tell you.
Seriously horrible.
It's like another betrayal all over again!
Elsie you lost a friend. You let her down massively at the time.

Good luck Binders, I hope you are okay.

Elsie surely if you know what has happened and says nothing then you take on some of the responsibility for the injured parties humiliation.
I would never forgive anyone who called themselves my friend and then stood back and allowed me to be hurt and humiliated like that because they didn't want to get involved.

I'm not sure I would view it as the right thing if I lost a friend, even if they got back together.

She made an informed choice when she knew, she could not before and it was an additional betrayal to find out you knew Elsie.

Surely your story is an argument for saying something Elsie

It is complicated and could be a kind of a damned if you do, damned if you don't, certainly, Elsies's experience, imho.

But in Binder 's circumstance, some physical distance with OW/OWH and an acquaintanceship more than friendship with OWH...I think Binder is not so emotionally involved with OWH (although she can relate to being betrayed!). Imho, telling him from the perspective as a duty of kindness (not revenge as has been discussed) is right. That is a duty she feels she needs to do for herself to follow her own moral code.

As it is also right to choose to not be invested in OWH's response. We do not know what is going on behind OW/OWH's doors...he may even already know and chose to keep quiet.

Imho, informing the OWH, in a "for your information" way would be nothing more than an entry on a 'to do' list. Check it off, done/dusted, in the history book.

Elsies's circumstance: imho, she was an innocent casualty and the reasons for telling shoot the messenger vs. minding your own business (allow people privacy) can be a fine line and very very very hard to suss out which the victim would bite hardest on (I think the victim here would bite on both though-very easy, available target for her anger).

That's why I think Binders is safe in telling-she can very easily disconnect as she doesn't have an emotional connection with the OWH.

Have a Good Day, Binders. Thinking of you.

Elsie, perhaps if you had told you would not only have kept your friend, but you may have also been in a position to influence her to NOT get back with the philanderer.

As I've said before, it's never 'better' to be in ignorance. It's always better to be told the truth. It's then up to the recipient of that truth to decide what to do with it.

And I'd feel the OWH's 'humiliation' would be a bit of my 'responsibility' if I could have prevented some of it by informing him privately instead of his finding out through public gossip. As far as Binder's being 'drained' by him, it could either be a case of 'sorrow halved' by commiserating or Binder kindly informing him that she isn't ready to talk it out with him. But I think that once he's gotten whatever information he feels he needs from Binder, he'll turn to his own circle of friends/family for support.

I did think my response would elicit these sort of comments but I wanted to put forward an alternative view and isn't the point of the thread to take onboard different views and support.

However, I do believe that continually urging the op to tell the OWH is not the right thing to do and it makes me feel a little uncomfortable. My advice was genuine to avoid Binders taking on more stress and moving forward with her life.

I would add that my decision was not because I did not want to become involved, it was because my instinct told me it would make little difference and sadly it was right. I am sure the last thing the op wants now is to feel she has to take on some of the responsibility for the injured parties humiliation Awadebumbo, I think that was the point I was making.

Elsie, what you did was to elect yourself as some sort of secret-bearer, who probably felt all martyred and pious by keeping such a thing to yourself. I've known your type, the sanctimonious look on their faces when they reveal they knew all along is rage inducing. Usually telling people they did it for you. The fact that the woman caught them at it, when you could have spared her that is the worst thing.

but just protect yourself.

Thankfully not everyone goes through life protecting themselve.

I agree that the OP should do as she wants not as we want.

She has no responsibility to anyone but herself but if she chooses to take some then she should.

It appears she has chosen.

Would you do the same thing again with your friend?

I know you say it made little difference but surely losing a friend is a difference?

Or were you not that close before?

I would tell certain friends, there are others that I would not because they are happier being cheated on and being ignorant to it or would not believe me.

If they had seen me then I would have told them to tell their DP or I would, that I would not hold the secret.

See, I've been in the position of telling someone that his girlfriend had cheated on him too - and lost that friend for telling him. He also stayed with her until she decided to dump him - I was the casualty of that disclosure. Which is why I'm urging caution. Some people really don't want to know.

Elsie spoken like a true coward. Lying by omission is just as bad as simple lying so I can see why your friend dumped you. In her shoes I would never have been able to trust you again. You didn't do anything least of all the right thing. The least you could of done would have been to say to the boyfriend that you don't want your friend to be hurt so he'd better sort his mess out. Instead you took the easy way out and now you are sanctimoniously making out you were in the right.

I can think of a hundred reasons for the OP not to tell him but your example would certainly push me the other way.

I don't think that op is actually friends with either party, so she has nothing at all to lose. The husband can bury his head, and blame op, or move on with his life. Once op hands over the info, she can wash her hands of them both.

I have a feeling the OW's husband has had suspicions over the years but took comfort from thinking if anything was going on Binders would have been suspicious as well - and she's not said anything so it probably just me being paranoid.

Good luck Binders!

I think you have made the right decision to tell the OWs H, but I didn't want to say anything because it was something you have to decide for yourself. If you feel that you are in a strong enough position to tell him (and you have been so very strong and dignified throughout this ordeal so far), then good for you.

It is not an easy or pleasant thing to do, but it may be that he has suspected for all these years just as you did. And I hope for both of you that to know that neither of you are alone in the pain inflicted by two selfish and narcissistic assholes may give you both some measure of comfort or relief.

Hi Elsie, before I begin, thank you for your post. Listening to all the different advice and perspectives and experiences is what has helped me the most in these threads.

I have definitely gone backwards and forwards on do I/don't I? Yes I will/No I won't on the OWH knowing and I don't think there is a true right or wrong answer only the right answer for the person making that decision - so long as it is not in response to gaining revenge. It's someone's life you're dealing with. It could have worked either way with your friend, if you had told her, you could have lost her. You didn't tell her, you lost her. Thumb told someone and lost him.

What I did need to do is stop worrying about it and it's harder because everyone on EX's side of the family now know and they know her and her family.

Just to let everyone know, I HAVE now told her husband. If I had left it any longer I don’t think I could go through with it and I was just worrying about it all the time anyway.

I called him and when he answered, I hung up. Then I tried calling him again.

I told him ‘This is one of the hardest phone calls I’ve ever had to make but I don’t know if you know already but me and x have split up’.

(I was talking too fast, to get it all out as I could hear him start to say ‘oh no, you’re kidding….’)

I continued; ‘I discovered that he has been having a sexual relationship with your wife the whole time we have been together for over 14 years’.

(Total silence from him).

‘I’ve really thought long and hard about whether I should tell you but so many people know now and I didn’t want you to find out through gossip with all the hurt that would entail – I’m really sorry’.

I heard him say ‘I'm not going through this all again’. He wasn't saying it to me, it was like he was talking out loud. I didn’t say anything but sounds to me like something has happened in the past.

He asked me ‘How do you know?’ and I told him I had my suspicions and after confrontation they had both admitted it to me.

I continued…’I’m still reeling from the shock of it all and I really am too distressed to say any more, except to say I didn’t wanted to cause you hurt by telling you but thought it was right that you should know and I wish you the best and if you do want to talk to me at some future date, that’s fine. I need to focus on my son now. I’m sorry.

He just said 'OK'.

I said sorry again and I put the phone down. (I kept finding myself saying sorry, I couldn’t help it).

(I know this conversation word for word now as I just playing it over and over in my head. I pretty much followed your script Goddess - thank you. Should I have done it? (Yes having done it, I do think it was the right thing to do and I don't have to think about it anymore). I do keep thinking though, could I have done it better? Did I miss anything out? Was there something else I should have said? Something I shouldn’t have said? I tried to do it as sensitively as possible. I just feel so sorry for him and the children.

I feel totally sick.

Waiting for call from EX – he is either going to go ballistic or he is going to be in despair that I did it. I am ready for him. EX and OW are totally going to think it was revenge.

Estate agents and solicitors this week.

Reading it in black and white, it looks rehearsed. In a way I guess it was, as I was kind of following a script. I wanted to get it right, keep it short, concise and to the point but with some sensitivity.

Who cares what they think! You know it wasn't for revenge and the OWH will be glad in the long run that he knows and isn't going around looking like an absolute lemon to everyone else. Also, if they even attempt to be angry just tell them it was all in their own making. Idiots.

I think the conversation went as well as it could have and you did say he can talk to you in the future.

Well done OP. xx