just found out his friend isn't just a friend # 2

[binders1]

Binder army, please find me.

In summary found out 10 days ago OH has been having an affair for the 14 years we have been together and we have one DS 8 yrs. OW is someone he has been sleeping with since college. She is married with 2 dc' s and who knows OH could be biological father of child(re n). She is also someone we have been to lunches and dinners twice yearly where she has acted inappropriately. When questioned OH years ago he said I was mad and denied a relationship except friendship. Found porno photos of them over the decades in the loft.

I don't know what else to say as so much info was in thread 1. I have relied on the support of the old thread. I call them my binder army. Tomorrow is d day, he leaves the house or we do.

Well done. A brave decision. I hope it goes as easily as can be expected.
Remember you are not the one causing him pain. (You are more like the doctor who has to break the bad news to someone and not the disease that is harming them)

The doctor analogy sits well with me small.

I think you need to say that they have both admitted it, Binders. Otherwise she will deny, deny, deny.

I think that's absolutely the right decision, difficult to do but once it's done it will be a weight off your shoulders, and owh can make informed decisions about the rest of his life instead of wasting it sacrificing things he wants in the mistaken belief ow is doing the same. Hope it goes as well as can be expected Binders, but the important thing is just to get it done, you can't do any more than that. x

I don't think anyone can tell you what to do...At this point I would say do what is best for you and your DC.. At the moment..

People are really giving the best advise but this is your life and you need to be aware of the fall out.

You are not married so yes you need to be looking out for yourself at this point..

Good luck Binders.

Fwiw I think you've come to the right decision. It is very clear that your motivation isn't revenge (although that would be totally understandable) but kindness and empathy for the husband.

Wishing you all the strength in the world, you're an amazing lady

You are doing the right thing. There is never any benefit to ignorance, never. Every decision we make should be made from a position of knowledge. Painful knowledge sometimes, like in this situation, but knowledge none the less. OWH is not in that position right now, but he deserves to be. Goddess's wording is very good. Short, dispassionate yet compassionate. I do agree with putting 'I have proof' somewhere in there.

I think you are doing the right thing Binders. I wish I had been told.
Best of luck, I am sure it will be a difficult thing for you to do but a very fair and respectful action for OWH.

OK Binders glad you've come to a decision that feels right for you. I have thought all the way through this sorry tale that you have always taken such a great deal of care to consider matters from every angle when others among us would have been pulling people's heads off. Again, and again you have expressed your disbelief/ anger/ pain, then made up your intelligent, realistic, sensible mind and only then acted. I think the reason you feel such fatigue/ worry at the thought of telling OW H is that this is yet another big steaming turd that those two despicable wastes of skin have left behind for you to clean up and you must, by now, be almost exhausted by the whole thing. I have nothing but respect for you

Telling him is def the right thing Binders

Sorry I posted too soon! Good luck you're doing brilliantly

Notgrumpyjustquiet has summed matters up so well Binders. You HAVE taken time to consider matters from every angle as you have gone through that last tumultuous 3 weeks. You have shown decorum throughout. But it is your attempts to 'do things right and appropriately' that resonate with me. Hence, I have opened my own world to you (when it has been appropriate) to help you to consider all angles.

I am actually glad that you have decided to tell the OW's DH. But I always work on the premise that decisions must be yours and yours alone. This isn't an episode of a soap opera, it is your real life

As ever, goddessofsmallthings imparted her calm wisdom and suggestions. She has offered you the wording that you can use when making one of the most difficult telephone calls of the last 3 weeks - and you feel that those words closely match how you want to handle things and what you want to say. That's MN at its best again.

Sansoora I love your description of "my child from another mother". My own DM calls my DSD a 'borrowed child' (she is 46 yrs old now and been in my life permanently since she was 14 yrs old). Oooooh, I am so waiting for the next opportunity to use your phrase on my DM Thanks!

Binders, I think you're making 100% the right decision. If it was the other way round, I would have been furious to not have been told.

My only advise is to do it as soon as possible and get it over and done with - the waiting is the worst bit.

Good luck Binders - You're doing the right thing (imo).

Binders, you are a very mature person ! I admire greatly your pose & thoughtful process. (I would have caused an major eruption.)
Just be ready for the fall out from OH....he will be furious. Why ? because you will have opened another bag of worms for him. & he will say you are reeking revenge. & causing unnecessary harm.... Just remind that he actually caused the damage

poise

Sending you strength and hugs for the next stage in what has been a tumultuous period for you. I hope it goes well and brings you some closure. Even if it doesn't, you have done and are doing amazingly well. This too shall pass. [Flowers]

Delurking to offer you support in telling him too. You are a strong woman and are doing brilliantly so far.

Your ex is angry because for the first time in your relationship he isn't in control. His power is mute.

OW is breathtakingly selfish.

Telling him is definitely the right way to go, I know it'll be hard for you as you don't want to hurt him or their family but you're not doing the hurting, you're simply relaying the news.

It's good that you've waited until the first flush of anger is over too as you'll be able to state the facts without seeming as though you are doing it for revenge.

He deserves to know so that the choice of what to do is his rather than hers. If he stays then that's his decision.

Delurking too. My relationship finished with days of yours Binder. But no other people involved and no children together and luckily my children didn't view him as step dad or uncle figure more just friend of family. So I've been using wisdom of Binders army to help me through heartache.
But reason for delurking is that my exh had countless affairs. I often suspected he always denied. I finally found out about one through proof of an overnight stay together. I found her phoned her and asked and she told me everything. Though assuring me he'd never leave me! Funnily enough I left him and that's when dam broke and I found out about countless others. I also found out lots of his friends knew and while clearly some covered for him others felt bad they knew but none told me.
The humiliation of that made me feel worse.
Please tell the husband. And soon. If he'd found the photo and split up with the twunt wouldn't you want him to have told you? Wouldn't you want to know?
You clearly have guts Binders and have been amazing through this sorry horrible mess.
I'm sorry to say it will take guts to tell the ow's husband. But please do it. I wish to god I'd saved a couple years with a cheating bastard because someone had had the guts to tell me.
You're doing it for right reasons.

I'm of the opinion that telling the husband is the absolute best thing. Every day that he passes in ignorance is one stolen from his alternative future.

Think of it like lancing a putrid boil......one quick jab, pain, mess, but then...healing. It's a kindness to tell him.

I think telling OWH is the right decision. If it was me I would want to know.
I've said it before but I am in awe of you. You are such a strong and incredibly fair, decent and compassionate woman your xp is a complete twit to let you slip through his fingers.

Good luck binders we're here if you need to vent. If you don't want answers feel free to say you just want to unload. Use this thread for your thoughts. Seeing it written down is cathartic and can feel like it's out of you. Sleep well and hope your beautiful ds is looking after you.