just found out his friend isn't just a friend # 2

[binders1]

Binder army, please find me.

In summary found out 10 days ago OH has been having an affair for the 14 years we have been together and we have one DS 8 yrs. OW is someone he has been sleeping with since college. She is married with 2 dc' s and who knows OH could be biological father of child(re n). She is also someone we have been to lunches and dinners twice yearly where she has acted inappropriately. When questioned OH years ago he said I was mad and denied a relationship except friendship. Found porno photos of them over the decades in the loft.

I don't know what else to say as so much info was in thread 1. I have relied on the support of the old thread. I call them my binder army. Tomorrow is d day, he leaves the house or we do.

Yes, telling him needn't be revenge, he should know.

Yes, I think he should know too, poor bloke.

Like Mynxie I think that telling him is the kind thing to do and I certainly wouldn't lose any sleep over it. In fact, my conscience would be clear without having to hold on to the OW's secret.

I never understand those who say don't tell. I just think it's cruel to knowingly leave someone who is being deceived in the dark. If he wants to stay with her and try to rebuild the relationship, that's up to him but he realy deserves an honest disclosure imo.

OP, dear, I'm sorry your thread is being messed with. You have a serious issue which warrants grown-up consideration relevant to you which shows a bit of self control on the part of those all who post here.

I hope things at home are progressing as you would wish under the circumstances, and that some things at least are becoming easier to cope with. All the best to you.

I just felt so stupid and humiliated that so many people knew and I didn't. As if things weren't bad enough at the time, it was like an extra knife in the wound - I don't think you can understand how it really feels unless you've been in that situation.

I agree telling him should not be revenge. She needs to tell him for the right reasons, that will sit right with her conscience.

Right now his entire relationships is a lie. The foundations are rocky. It is ike building a house on clay rather than rock solid foundations. He deserves to know, and make his own choices based on that knowledge.

I agree he should know too. As for OW, no sympathy for her and how dare she text you like that, what a bloody cheek.

I have been following your story, you are doing brilliantly. Keep strong and take care.

How about something along the lines of....

Hi OW's DH,
Just to let you know that ExH and I have separated. I don't want to go in to details at the moment, but I'm sure all will become clear in due ourse.
Love Binders

I would possibly also send it to OW too, as in a 'text all' kind of message.

And stand back!!......

Sadwidow - as always thank you for your post and for telling me more about your story. These children are young and I wouldn't want to risk them losing the dad that they know and love. I can't imagine the pain it would cause OW husband if it turned out EX was the father of one of them and what he would do. A dad doesn't have to be a biological dad and he will be a better dad than EX anyway.

I know EX wouldn't want to be. I did say in spite to EX he should get a DNA test and he just said 'don't even fucking go there'.

EX has started to get pretty nasty with me now but at least it's not in front of DS. His anger just makes me more angry. The person I loved so much is gone, I don't even know who this person is anymore, I don't recognise him. And when I cry, I cry for the person I knew or thought I knew and how I loved him and now he's gone. I don't know if that's a form of grief sadwidow.

On a practical level though, as someone else pointed out before if EX was the dad then it would affect child maintenance for my DS as he would have more than one child to pay for. I really hope for the sake of those children and OW husband that this is not the case.

I am hoping that he does find out soon as the news between families and friends start to gossip and spread otherwise there will be a lot of people hiding it from him and I do think he should know. Someone previously suggested a text along the lines of 'hi, I just want to let you know that we have split. I have found out he has been having an affair with a long time friend for many years. Just thought you should know'. That's as far as I would go but don't think I can do that either. I hope he never resents me if he finds out in a couple of years after no-one telling him.

I've shied away from 'should Binders put OW H in the picture or not' because I was too busy enjoying the idea of OW squirming while she waits for Binders' next move. However, I agree with all who say if it was me who was being cheated on and someone knew, I would want them to tell me. So if this was me and I was contemplating making contact with OW H with the news I would tell him the whole story. I would tell him that the reason I had ended my relationship is because his wife is the OW, and I would add that I could prove it. (Assuming I hadn't given my ex the opportunity to quickly dispose of it and I still had the text from OW )

Sorry binders and sorry he isn't the man you knew. I haven't shared my cancelled wedding story on here as it would out me, it's that odd. I know how devastating and humiliating it is. Don't do anything yet if you aren't ready. Follow your gut. It's served you well so far. I hope I've cryptically cleared up the reason I feel a little protective of you. You have all the time in the world to think about what to do, they aren't going to come clean and force your hand anytime soon.

I think it is grief you're feeling - Its not just that you've lost the future you thought was yours, but you've also lost the past you thought you had binders. My ex followed exactly the same script that yours is now, I look at him now (from a distance of 10 years) and can't believe that he was once the centre of my universe. He changed overnight into someone I just didn't recognise.

Binders - I have nothing but respect for the way that you have handled this situation. Your resolve and steel are to be admired however I would urge you to think about the OW husband.

You say that it's probably only a matter of time before he realizes what's been going on as family and friends will gossip.

I would ask you to give him some dignity and tell him about events before everyone makes him into a cuckold.
The man is as innocent as you are yet, before long, he may become the subject of gossip, snide comments and derision as people talk about him whilst he remains oblivious to events.

If the situation were reversed wouldn't you rather hear the absolute truth from an involved party rather than being the subject of speculation, innuendo and even laughter.

By telling him the truth you are giving him the option of resolving the issue and continuing with his marriage or reassessing events and possibly leaving his wife. Either way he would be acting from an informed position rather than picking up on the gossip surrounding him.

You have the full story - I believe he deserves the same.

Thank you notasingle and Muncie x

Eek can't get over cOWbag.

Am not sure about her dh? Maybe wait a while? You and ds are your priority.

I agree dame and it is the heartbreak I feel that I don't want to inflict on someone else. Plus it could turn against me when she feeds him with her own lies and as I am sure she would and he resents me for trying to hurt his family. The only other route would be to tell her she needs to tell him or I will and hope she does or she could take the risk and call my bluff and then what?

Freaki- and that is what I would say to him for not telling him. I didn't do this to you, you're wife did with EX. My priority is me and my son. I have to put us first before you and yours.

I'm sure to try would be madly waving back!

Sorry - to try should obviously say to rotty!

Binders, you are taking on grief and blame that isn't your responsibility.

You didn't have an affair.

You didn't risk your marriage/family by sleeping with another man.

There is no guilt attached to you.

You haven't lived a lie for the last x number of years.

The OW has.

If you tell the truth and the husband is angry with you at least you know that you have no reason to chastise yourself. I really feel uncomfortable with the fact that he may hear of events via a third party who, I'm sure, will put all sorts of exagerations and embellishments on events.

I think he deserves the truth sooner rather than later.

I'd suggest you contact him direct with the truth - no negotiations/deadlines with OW.

Put yourself in his position - what would you want??

I hope my post is taken in the way it's intended (ie helpful and honest). I'm not wanting to sound pushy or judgemental

Yes,I agree. Always go with your instinct. Do what feels right.

Notasinglefuckwasgiven Sat 24-Oct-15 20:08:26

Sorry for your loss sadwidow but be realistic. They were having SEX so there is a chance the ex fathered a child with OW

The undertone there was not to upset the ow marriage.

And what part of my post did you not understand? I am more aware than most about how infidelity causes pain to innocent parties. My DH
had forgiven previous infidelities before he found his wife shagging the NDN on the sofa.

I then shared my DH's story about finding out that he was NOT the father of DC3 when she was 14 yrs old - but he always remained her Dad.

All DCs visited and stayed regularly. DC3 (7 years younger than her siblings) was already living with us permanently. We didn't know that DC3 wasn't my DH's biological child and it simply didn't enter DH's mind even though the wife was sleeping with others. The truth came out in a violent rage on our door-step when the mother travelled 50 miles in a taxi to 'break up our happy family' (my parents were staying at the time). But the mother was correct, DNA proved my DH was not DC3's biological father. Should we have returned her like a broken toy?

No, we all chose to petition the Magistrate to allow us to continue as a family unit - and that was granted.

We supported DC3 though university. We were at the end of a phone when she needed guidance. DH walked her down the aisle when she was 26 yrs old whilst my parents and DH's dad looked on as loving grandparents. My DH held her baby (4 weeks old) just before he died. That little baby was placed in DH's arms with the words, "This is your Grandad". And he was. Not biologically - but emotionally.

DH and I often talked about whether he should have been told sooner that DC3 wasn't his. His pain - and DC3's pain - was so tangible whilst we were going through the custody hearing. He couldn't decide - but he wouldn't wish that situation on anyone. Either keep a secret or tell immediately was his bottom line. (His 1st wife had saved the secret for 14 yrs and thrown it at him 7 years after he left and 2 yrs after the divorce.)

We were lucky - we came out at the other end as a strong family unit (none of us biologically linked to each other).

Only Binders can decide what is right for her. I shared my story - as others have done - to help Binders to see the possible ramifications of the mess her EX and OW have created. If Binders is going to tell the OW's DH, she should do it now for all the right reasons - but don't let it fester as a threat for years to come.

Finally, I have never found that my prayers have caused any harm to a Mumsnetter to date.

I've explained what I read from it I won't do it again. She doesn't need guilt. If she wants to tell she will regardless of how anyone else feels. Calling it revenge is wrong. It could upset the op if and when she can't live with not telling the husband. See how easy it is to say things that are misinterpreted online? Maybe support her and not focus on my very small opinion? I'm not important to be honest.

binders1 Sat 24-Oct-15 22:19:15

It took me so long to draft my last post that I hadn't seen your previous response.

I think we are on the same page.

Sadwidow, your posts as always are deep, thoughtful and helpful. I thought your meaning was clear, tbh.

Binders - just remember that it is always your decision whether or not to tell the OW's DH; and the only responsibility you have now is to yourself and to your DS.
As others have said, if you think you can tell him without feeling bad about it, then find a way; but if it's going to make you feel bad/guilty or anything other than fine, don't do it.
I do agree thought that if you are going to tell him, it needs to be now, not some unspecified time in the future.

OW might be worrying now, but that's as nothing to what will happen when her DH finds out, assuming that he decides, as you have, that the 14y long betrayal is just beyond ever coming back from. But you have no concern over how she's feeling either - your only concern, again, should be for yourself and your DS (and compassion for her DH and DC)

Binders are you worried that if you the OWH that you'll get a lot more nastiness from the ex? Like people have advised, just deal with him through messaging, reiterate to him that nothing is to be discussed face to face and that handovers are done with him staying in the car.

My ex was very angry after I left him. But I didn't rise to it. And I know that you don't, you've handled him so well and it's very hard when they are like that. Things will settle down. But OWH deserves to know sooner rather than later.