just found out his friend isn't just a friend # 2

[binders1]

Binder army, please find me.

In summary found out 10 days ago OH has been having an affair for the 14 years we have been together and we have one DS 8 yrs. OW is someone he has been sleeping with since college. She is married with 2 dc' s and who knows OH could be biological father of child(re n). She is also someone we have been to lunches and dinners twice yearly where she has acted inappropriately. When questioned OH years ago he said I was mad and denied a relationship except friendship. Found porno photos of them over the decades in the loft.

I don't know what else to say as so much info was in thread 1. I have relied on the support of the old thread. I call them my binder army. Tomorrow is d day, he leaves the house or we do.

Binders you are doing great.
OW is showing exactly how she's has been thinking the last 14 years. She just thinks about her, doesn't even acknowledge other people,must how it impacts here she's probably hoping she can continue the affair with your exDP.
I agree her DH needs to know, especially when it impacts his children.

I've just had a truly evil thought - you could always reply to OW "oops, just accidentally forwarded your last text message to your DH instead of replying to you, how careless" but don't actually send it to him - then when she goes batshit over his phone, or tries to mitigate it without him ever having actually seen it, he'll wonder what the hell is going on.

But don't do that.

I'm all in favour of the wounded parties finding out they've been wounded; but I still believe strongly that the messenger is also usually shot in the fallout, and I'd hate for that to happen to you Binders.

I think the only way you should talk to the OW's DH about this is if he contacts you. Which he might.

I feel really bad for this man. He's more than likely still in the position OP was in, only a lot more people know about it behind his back

I would email the husband. I think you have a moral duty, tbh.

Whats that quote about the only thing neccessary for evil to triumph is for good men to do nothing?

Seems to me that if you do nothing, she triumphs.

Please consider emailing him. What he chooses to do thereafter is up to him.

I might have missed something here, so apologies if so. Given the situation, does holding onto this information put Binder in a stronger negotiating position for a fast and favourable divorce? Once a divorce is through all bets are off. But maybe a fast track divorce and settlement could be the way to go while he still has some degree of guilt and is also worrying about OW.

Binders doesn't have to worry about a divorce shebe - they're not married.

However it might be valuable to reach a favourable settlement.

Binders I'm thinking of you love, hope you're as OK as you can be

shebefierce the OP isn't married. However - if it was me I would not tell the husband, and I would also refuse to discuss it with ex. I'd wait until house etc is sorted and the dust has settled before deciding.
Until then it is an (unspoken) bargaining chip.
Binders if you are pressed on it just say that you do want to even think about OW right now.

I would probably hold off until everything is settled with regards to the house and then tell him. As pp said, he isn't in the same position as Binders was as so many people know now. It is just a matter of time until it gets back to him - or until people start acting oddly around him enough for him to notice something is up. (I'm guessing some mutual friends will struggle to be around OW and her unsuspecting DH now that they know and so maybe begin avoiding them)
She has made it plainly obvious that she won't tell him, and if she claimed she had I would wonder what version she had told him. I think you have to be the one to tell him Binders, you are the only one who knows how he will feel and can do it sensitively. That has to be kinder than letting him find out from the grapevine?

I would tell him. Surely he deserves more than to be humiliated by being the last one to know after hearing it through the grapevine?

He absolutely deserves to know. This man has been betrayed for his entire married life, and he's the only one still being kept in the dark.

How and when to tell him is the issue.

It's a tricky one - I think OWH deserves to know as he is in the same situation as you OP only doesn't know it and is carrying on blindly. Poor man.

As to whether or not you should tell him, I think it depends on whether or not you want to have a friendship with him or mutual friends etc afterwards - people rarely thank the person giving them bad news and the last thing you need is to be made into some sort of pariah if OW and OWH end up staying together...

If on the other hand you have no separate friendship with him, with mutual friends etc then it doesn't really matter.

The important thing is that his finding out or not isn't your responsibility Binders - it really isn't. If he finds out through the grapevine it won't be your fault or responsibility - it will be OWs. SHE is the one responsible for her marriage and her affair, not you.

I feel very sorry for her husband.

I would be telling her she has 24hrs to tell him otherwise you send him her text message.

Fucking bitch.

I must admit that I find it odd that OW wants to cling so hard to her marriage now that Mr Tosspot is 'free'. You'd think she'd be anxious to run to his arms (bleaurgh). I guess it really is just a 'FWB' relationship between them. Weird.

The poor DH really does deserve to know. But I also respect OP's right to do it (or not) in her own time.

Surely, I think The OWH needs to know. particularly if he is not the father of his children ?

Binders I admire your composure...the minute my phone beeped with the ow text I would of been at her house in a flash, blind with rage and yelling like a fishermans wife.

I would want to make her life as shitty as she is making yours right now and I would be hurting in anyway possible, but you binders are a lot more dignified than myself

Whichever way you deal with this I wish you all the best.

I really think this poor man deserves to know. If mutual friends start behaving oddly he won't know why and will feel much worse when the truth does come out. If you don't feel able to tell him yourself can you ask someone else to tell him .

2 separate issues with regard to that awful woman: 1. What to do about message & 2. Do you tell husband.

I'd block and ignore the message. Stay aloof and don't be dragged into arguing with her.
Husband is more difficult. I'd absolutely want to know & telling him might be the right thing to do as far as he is concerned but you have no obligations in this awful mess.. This was not of your making and it would be completely fine to just leave them to it and focus on yourself and on DS.

I don't know how I missed the OW's text to you Binders because I log in several times a day to check if you are okay.

Now, of course she can't eat and can't sleep - that's what happens when you cheat on your partner. She is in a proper state of worry .... but you, my dear Binders are in a state of grief.

I have worried over debts. I have worried over parental/sibling relationships that went wrong. I certainly worried when we got the shocking diagnoses of my late-DH's cancer. I worried for him, I worried for me and then got on with making the last 6 weeks of his life the best we could ever do.

But when he died, I faced grief. Now grief is one of the most horrendous emotions anyone can face. It is complex and not linear. It is simply 'not fixable'. The grief has to be dealt with in order to understand and reconcile into your new normal.

Whilst I lost my late-DH in reality, you have lost the person you believed in. The happiness you had has been stolen. The promises and dreams of the future have been trashed by two feckless human beings who thought they could conduct some sort of clandestine relationship without being found out ..... unless THEY decided to change the rules. The OW was always brazen in your company when you met up for meals - who knows what she and your Ex were planning for the future? To pull the rug from under your feet when the time was right?

So - as for the message: "I don't want X to get hurt and I've got my kids to think about" - it's too late. She cheated on X and she didn't think about her kids when she was sleeping with your Ex.

The breathlessness (panic) is actually symptomatic of grief. When that happens, you have to have strategies (usually CBT strategies help you to get through.) But first and foremost, you have to phone the Rottweiller sister and tell her. You'll sob and won't get your words out, but she will be able to help calm you down. If the Rottweiler isn't available (or you think you shouldn't phone her because she will rip OW's head off) have the phone number of Samaritans on speed-dial: THIS IS NOW A FREE PHONE NUMBER - 116 123

My DH left his 1st wife after about the 3rd time of infidelity. He walked into the lounge after starting a 2-10 shift, but had been told by the Gold Commander at 8pm that they were on 'an all-nighter - perhaps another 24 hours' so they could go home for 1 hour and explain (before the days of mobile phones). My DH walked in on his DW and NDN 'at it' on the sofa. Apparently, he couldn't accept the close proximity to home - two people he trusted doing it in his home was the final straw. (The other 2 infidelities had been people he didn't know.) They also went out as 2 couples. I don't really know much about it because I wasn't around then... but I recall DH talking about it as complete betrayal. It was part of our 'getting together/exclusivity conversation' 1 year after he had separated.

(Sadly, 7 years later when DC3 elected to live with us permanently, the DW tried to get her back by proving - via DNA - that DC3 wasn't even my DH's daughter. That proved to be correct. But DH couldn't stop loving her - and I was always a Step-Mum to someone else's child. DH fought on the grounds that DC3 only ever knew him as a DF because that is what DSD wanted. The magistrate gave custody to DH. )

Now I have told you that part of my story because PP have suggested that your EX could be the father of OW's children. There is no evidence for that. But please remember that the father of OW's children will always be her DH.

If it were me .... would I want to hurt OW?

Of course I would! I would want to rip her head off for the grief she has caused me and DS.

Will it bring comfort? No - you only think less of yourself and lose more sleep. You then have to use the little energy you have got figuring out whether you should feel ashamed at your own behaviour.

If you think you can do without any regret - then tell OW's DH.

I suspect that you are far too honorable to carry that out at the moment. You know the grief it causes and you won't want to wish it on her DH and DCs without just cause.

I'll be at early Mass tomorrow. I'll offer it up again for you Binders

Thoughts and prayers are winging their way to you

Sorry for your loss sadwidow but be realistic. They were having SEX so there is a chance the ex fathered a child with OW. The DH has a right to know this. He also has a right to choose whether or not to stay the ow husband. Save your prayers. Religious intolerance to divorce isn't what the op needs. Thank you anyway.

Sadwidow did not show any religious intolerance to divorce. She kindly offered her prayers for the situation. She is being very supportive. I think it is unfair to attack her like that.

I'm coming at this from a slightly different angle but my story is very similar to yours OP except I was the unknowing DW - and it was my exHB's OW's HB (hope that makes sense!) who told me. In fact, he'd written to me several times to tell me what was going on but every time my exHB intercepted the letters by telling me they were sent from someone who was harassing him at work, and he needed to take them unopened to his security department. I actually believed him. Can you imagine how I felt when the truth came out? He (OWHB) actually drove 4 hrs in the end to tell me to my face when my HB was at work, but I'd been brainwashed so well I still didn't believe it - until I called my then HB and he didn't say anything - suddenly it hit me like a brick, I'd been that well known cliche of the wife who was the last to know.

My point is that it turned out that several other people did know what was going on, but only he told me. Thank goodness he did or I could have lost another 5 years of my live being a very trusting and loving wife to a man who betrayed me so badly. I don't care what his motives were in telling me, I'm just glad I was told.

I don't want to derail your thread, but your story rang such bells with me I couldn't ignore it any longer and I wanted to maybe give you a different perspective.

I wish you all the best, whatever lies ahead you will have your self-respect and your integretary, something our cheating partners have lost forever.

I didn't attack. I wasn't rude or swearing ( I don't attack on here ) I pointed out that having sex can make babies. The undertone there was not to upset the ow marriage. Not appropriate. Not what the op needs. I stand by my opinion here, sorry.

You did not attack? You accused sadwidow of "religious intolerance". You told her op did not need her advice. Then you ended with a passive aggressive note:

Religious intolerance to divorce isn't what the op needs. Thank you anyway.

There is a word for putting words into other peoples mouths, and it is not supportive.

I did not read that undertone at all.

I read an undertone stressing that revenge will not help op, because base actions make good people feel really bad in themselves.

Fine. Then I misunderstood it. I stand by the point that telling the poor man isn't revenge. It's giving him the information he needs to make an informed decision about his marriage. Right now he's living a lie and raising kids that may not be his. He should know.