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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

just found out his friend isn't just a friend # 2

999 replies

binders1 · 16/10/2015 21:21

Binder army, please find me.

In summary found out 10 days ago OH has been having an affair for the 14 years we have been together and we have one DS 8 yrs. OW is someone he has been sleeping with since college. She is married with 2 dc' s and who knows OH could be biological father of child(re n). She is also someone we have been to lunches and dinners twice yearly where she has acted inappropriately. When questioned OH years ago he said I was mad and denied a relationship except friendship. Found porno photos of them over the decades in the loft.

I don't know what else to say as so much info was in thread 1. I have relied on the support of the old thread. I call them my binder army. Tomorrow is d day, he leaves the house or we do.

OP posts:
GeneGreenie · 23/10/2015 14:29

Oh yes, screenshot the text if you still can, just incase.

I know this will be so hard for you right now. I did contact the ow, I did do it with restraint though, I simply told her that I knew, different set of circumstances. It would have taken all I had not to tell a husband, if there had been one but for now I'm pretty sure he will find out, I have a feeling he'll be in touch with you.

Phoenix0x0 · 23/10/2015 14:33

Yes definitely save that text.

AcrossthePond55 · 23/10/2015 14:38

I agree with no response. Let her stew in her own juice. Just the message she sent shows how selfish she is, it was all about HER, her DH, her children. Bitch!

As far as telling her DH, well, I do agree he should know. I know I'd want to know. But I'd wait until I was sure I was telling him out of a sense of compassion for him instead of anger at them, iyswim. That may be silly since the result is the same, but it would make me feel better about doing it.

mix56 · 23/10/2015 14:45

Just be warned she may turn up at the door if you don't reply. Just be ready with a sharp retort like "Well isn't this is a pleasant surprise..... Sadly you caught me the wrong time, I am not available" Close door in face.

tornandhurt · 23/10/2015 14:54

I must admit, I've been in this situation and I moved hell on earth to ensure OW DH knew what had happened.

She tried so hard to stop me......but I knew where he worked and sent him a letter there marked strictly private knowing on he would open it..........did it make me feel better........no! - not because I told him, but that I did so in a rage rather than in a controlled way. I should never have put him in the position of learning something so awful the minute he walked through the door to work. In hindsight that made me feel awful.

I do however agree I think he should be told. I suppose all I'm saying is be sure you do it in the right way (which I know you will as you've been amazing throughout) xx

MultiShirking · 23/10/2015 15:01

Don't respond. Make her suffer. The not knowing is killing her.

This ^

I've been so impressed with your strength in this situation. Just ignore the OW. Hers and your ex-OH's behaviour is such that they have not considered you as a real human being in all this. Just keep on doing your thing, and let your dignity and a good life on your own terms be your revenge.

AlisonWunderland · 23/10/2015 15:10

I would reply by sending her a blank text (or a full stop as I think there has to be some content)
Then she'll get all worked up seeing that you and replied, but get nothing.
Then block her

DaggerEyes · 23/10/2015 15:12

If you don't contact her, every text, phone call, email alert she gets will give her that dread in the pit of her stomach that it's you. Equally, every text, phone call, and email alert her dh gets will do the same to her in case it's you, grassing her up. Don't put an end to that suffering by responding!

However. If it were me, I'd give it exactly one year, long enough for her to get complacent and relax, then I'd tell her dh. Let it come out of the blue, like it did for you. It also gives her dh time to make a new life, while he is young, to be with an honest woman.

AcrossthePond55 · 23/10/2015 15:22

Be aware that, when the time comes you are ready to tell, she will be monitoring the mail waiting for a letter so don't bother with that avenue. You'll either need to call him or contact him via his work.

As far as her showing up at your door, I wouldn't answer. I'd just blast that old song "I Hear You Knocking, but You can't Come In" through the door.

mix56 · 23/10/2015 15:22

To be fair on OWH though, it should come (from OW) asap. it would be even worse knowing binders had had the info for a year. I think he deserves the truth. "You tell him or I will" should do it

ElizaPickford · 23/10/2015 15:26

Loving Mermaidhair's Gopro suggestion. Grin

If you don't say anything, is it likely to get back to OW's DH (via mutual friends, grapevine etc) that you have broken up with your husband, and why? I do think that he ought to know but I can understand that that is the last thing you need to be concerning yourself with at the moment..

AcrossthePond55 · 23/10/2015 15:27

Just thought. At some point her DH will find out or realize on his own that you and MrTosspot have separated. She'll have to give him some reason for that. Don't wait too long or she'll come up with some cock and bull story that her DH will be able to use to deflect the truth. She'll actually probably tell him that YOU were cheating and just trying to place the blame elsewhere.

DaggerEyes · 23/10/2015 15:43

If you did reply, you could say...'the more people who know you cheated on your dh before he does, the worse it will be for him. I'm telling everyone who asks about the split, what happened, and with whom, so you decide how long you think you have until the grapevine delivers the bad news. Because it will.' This will keep her awake at night thinking how many degrees of separation everyone you know has with everyone she knows. And trying to keep her dh away from humanity while she panics.

Lynnm63 · 23/10/2015 15:44

OW is unbelievable. Im so glad she's suffering I feel sorry for her DH and her kids but I have zero sympathy for her.
You have so much more self control than I could ever muster. Id have replied 'good, im glad you're in hell, karma is a bitch'
Btw if you do set the Rottweiler on OW you could sell tickets every poster on here would pay good money to watch.

Lynnm63 · 23/10/2015 16:08

Plus we'd all make great witnesses ' no officer the skanky other woman really did punch herself in the face 15 times' 'yes officer, I know that sounds unbelievable but it's what happened, didn't it ladies'' cue lots of nodding agreement.

ThunderbumsMum · 23/10/2015 16:08

I've got my kids to think about???

Did she not have kids to think about before, then? She only has them to think about now, when she's been caught? It's funny, I would have thought her kids were her responsibility, not yours. Silly me.

Original poster
binders1 · 23/10/2015 16:22

Dagger - I think if I saw her face to face, that's what I would say. 'It is only a matter of time before your DH knows and it won't be from me. Everyone will know why we have split and it is only a matter of time before it eventually gets back to your DH especially as EX's family know you and yours'.

Lymme63 - I think 'Rotty' would appreciate such witness statements. Don't encourage her though!

OP posts:
Ohfourfoxache · 23/10/2015 16:22

Holy. Fucking. Shit.

Who the hell does she think she is? How DARE she contact you Angry

Agree with ^ - keep very, very quiet - it will mean that you keep your dignity intact and totally shit her up.

teawamutu · 23/10/2015 16:26

Send what Dagger said. It's brilliantly chilling, it has the benefit of being true and you don't actually have to DO anything.

Ohfourfoxache · 23/10/2015 16:26

Is there any danger of her turning up on your doorstep or her trying to track you down whilst out and about?

teawamutu · 23/10/2015 16:27

Xpost.

Helmetbymidnight · 23/10/2015 16:32

My god, dagger! Remind me not to make an enemy of youSmile

I hope you are feeling steadier op Flowers

Original poster
binders1 · 23/10/2015 16:37

She obviously knows where we live Ohfour - she would be even more stupid than I thought if she turned up!

OP posts:
Ohfourfoxache · 23/10/2015 16:45

I just wondered what sort of distance there was geographically - if she's half an hour away for example it might be an idea to brace yourself

Ohfourfoxache · 23/10/2015 16:46

Sorry - don't mean to be a prophet of doom Blush