just found out his friend isn't just a friend # 2

[binders1]

Binder army, please find me.

In summary found out 10 days ago OH has been having an affair for the 14 years we have been together and we have one DS 8 yrs. OW is someone he has been sleeping with since college. She is married with 2 dc' s and who knows OH could be biological father of child(re n). She is also someone we have been to lunches and dinners twice yearly where she has acted inappropriately. When questioned OH years ago he said I was mad and denied a relationship except friendship. Found porno photos of them over the decades in the loft.

I don't know what else to say as so much info was in thread 1. I have relied on the support of the old thread. I call them my binder army. Tomorrow is d day, he leaves the house or we do.

Reply when you are good & ready. She can talk the proverbial flying fuck. if she hasn't already
As for the above: "and leave her to drive herself crazy with guilt."...... She is not feeling GUILTY, she is panicking about possible family splitting up & her kids, but she didn't give a shit about yours, & for that reason alone, I would make sure she doesn't get off scott free.....

If you do set Rottweiller onto her please attach a gopro first

What a piece of work. I'd simply reply with "Do not contact me again" and block her number. That way she knows you've seen the text from her but you give her no idea of what (if anything) you plan to do.

Actually respond by saying Of course I am going to say something, but it will be when I'm ready.

Big exhale of breath. OK then. It's either ignore and silence or I like texts along the lines of Moriarty, Helmet and Small. I don't want to get into dialogue with her, silence might stop her/might not and responding probably would open dialogue. Of course I can block her - done. Now she will be even more frustrated that she can't reach me.

I will bang out all the responses I would love to make and not send as Helmets suggestion.

I will leave it - calming down again, I knew you would help. I'm angry at OH because she is texting me.

Will go and take a walk and get some fresh air.

Best not say anything - let her stew.
I would however be sorely tempted to send a copy of that sofa photo to her in response.

The OW leaves me speechless. She didn't think twice about breaking up your family, but feels her own must be protected. Brass neck doesn't begin to cover it.

The irony is- this is her fault and your Ex's fault. You owe her nothing.

In fact her DH ought to know as he has right to know if the woman he sleeps with has been sexually active with another man throughout their relationship. For the OW to keep him in the dark for her own selfish reasons makes her even more of a bitch.

I agree let her stew. Let her be 'ill' the bitch

She is very foolish sending you that text as it's really good evidence to show to her dh. She's getting desperate now.

Hi Binders, just found your thread after the last one closed!

Fantastic news that the arsewipe eventually moved out, he honestly must have believed everything could have gone back to normal up until you started packing. What a shock for him when he finally got the message that you were in deadly earnest!

Re. the OW messaging you - how fucking dare she.
I would choose to either ignore it completely - make her suffer more - OR if you feel the need to respond just respond with "Don't ever contact me again" and nothing else. And then, should she be so stupid as to attempt further contact, report her to the police for harassment. Bit OTT I know - you could warn her first that you'll report her to the police of course, if you like - might be enough of a threat that she never does contact you again.

Hello binders. I have been following you and your army from the beginning. I haven't posted up until now as you have had enough posters giving you amazing support and advice.

You have done so well up until now and I'm sure you will continue to do so.

I'm delurking to mention the other person who is in the same situation as you - OW's dh. I'm not suggesting you tell him or that you have a duty to. I guess I'm just raising the point that there is another innocent victim in all of this. What would you do if the situation was reversed? Would you want to know?

Again I'm not telling you to tell him (that really should be his wife) but if you do think he should know it's for his benefit only. You have acted with great dignity up until now. Maybe what i'm saying is that any reason for you to push the truth shouldn't be about revenge otherwise that may come back to haunt you.

Hope i've made sense

I think you should try and approach this from a position of power. She's trying (just like your ex) to manipulating you into doing something to resolve the mess she's created.

Next time you feel like you can't breath, try to visualise her face when you start posting copies of her nude photos to her husband and boss.
You're not going to, but try to take some comfort knowing that you hold all the cards.

I have had to delurk to express my utter gall at the OW daring to sully your phone with her own requests. How very dare she.

If you can possibly enjoy the ignoring and blocking and see it as your response, then do. She is now in that horrid state of not knowing what is going on that will make her feel the way you probably did when you first found out. Sick, faint, anxious, terrified of losing everything, you know...

Your silence will be so powerful, so icily aloof and so absolutely dreadful for her. Enjoy every moment of knowing that she is finally getting her just desserts. After all those dinners you shared together, here is her dessert, served cold.

Ignore, ignore, ignore is the mumsnet mantra.

Hi Thumb.

Hi Mint - I have gone backwards and forwards over whether her DH should know over the past couple of weeks and I have always believed he should. I would want to know if it was me and I agree absolutely not for revenge or because I want to get my own back. That's not me - well it wasn't up until 5 minutes ago in a moment of fury but I'm coming back down to reality now but she really needs to stay away from me. I personally couldn't live with myself breaking up another family, knowing what it actually feels like. The best thing she can do is come clean to her husband herself and see if he can forgive her and stay together as a family. You can't wipe this under the carpet.

Thanks everyone x

Yep .... ignore and let her sweat.

She's been betraying those husband and children for the past 14 years - it's a bit late in the day for her to start expressing her concern for them now.

A few sleepless nights don't seem much of a price to pay for what she's done.

Breathtakingly selfish - the COW!

I agree with ignoring and blocking - but how tempting to ...

I can't eat or sleep and am making myself ill with worry.

Welcome to my world OW

I don't want X to get hurt

Maybe should have thought about that before having a 14-year affair

and I've got my kids to think about

Are you the only one with kids then?

Make sure you keep that text. I don't know why - but I definitely would keep it.

Hi Binders, I can understand why her contacting you has knocked the breath out of you, the sheer audacity of the woman is, well, breathtaking! I'm afraid I would take a great deal of satisfaction (once I'd got over the shock of her having the gall to make contact anyway) from knowing she's tortured and sweating but then I am a total bitch What she's going through is a tiny drop in the ocean compared to what she and your ex have put you through and I'm afraid I would take a degree of sadistic pleasure in knowing she's suffering for what she's done. I wouldn't reply, I'd just leave her to stew in her own juices and wonder when the axe is going to fall, it's the very definition of karma in my book. Good for you for blocking her, why should you do anything to help her feel less turmoil when her actions have turned your life upside down? Let her sweat

I agree with ignoring. Don't waste any physical/emotional energy on her. She doesn't deserve your time. Cut her completely dead out, just like she never existed. This will bring you to a state of indifference towards her: zero connection. By hating her, (who doesn't? I mean who on this whole earth doesn't hate this woman?) you are maintaining a connection with her. I understand it will take some time and practice to achieve indifference, but it is the (emotional) holy grail...and will allow all that extra time/energy to spoil your ds (incentive ).

I do think the DH should know though. Registered signature mail with a copy of the photo?

Koko...take up a physical activity that requires thought like dancing or martial arts. This will give your psyche a break.

Hi Binders.

You're doing great - remember that. You hold all the cards here and you have continued to keep so dignified.

The other posters are spot on I think.......the best punishment/satisfaction right now is to not even acknowledge her........the silence from you will drive her totally insane. She's not sorry for what she's done, she's just sorry they've been found out and she's panicking as to how she'll dig herself out of this hole if/when her DH and family discover her deceit.

She wants to open dialogue with you in the hope of either convincing you to keep quiet, or give her adequate warning so she can prepare her defence and try and convince her DH that your nuts or have made it sound worse than it actually was.......she's nothing but a pathetic and desperate mess and in my opinion the more you keep quiet and ignore her the more of a mess she will become.
xxx

I personally couldn't live with myself breaking up another family but you haven't. They have. You would never have treated anyone like this because you have a conscience and decency.

I agree the DH should know and whether it breaks the family up is his decision and her fault. In his shoes, I would want to know. If they break up, it will be because of OW's behaviour, not because of the person who told him.

You have been given some balanced advice here...both for and against.

I'll pipe in with what I think (if it helps).

Do not open up dialogue with her, as this will indicate that you can be convinced not to say anything and it will also (like others have said) give her an opportunity to slowly drip feed that you are paranoid/crazy etc.

However, I would still tell her DH, when I felt the time was right.

I'll tell you why. You don't know if they were using contraception. They used the opportunity every time you met to fawn over each other and have been a friends with benefits thing for over 14 years.

There behaviour is despicable and both of them are so entitled. You will not spilt up a family....they have done that all by themselves.

You're doing great, Binders. It would have taken every inch of your willpower not to respond I bet, I've been there, I found out about dp but the ow didn't have a partner.

However tempting it might feel do as others have suggested, don't respond. She's just dipping her toe in, wanting to know what you're going to do and the best reply is silence. Can you imagine how many times a day she'll now be checking her phone, waiting for your response. Tough! Ain't gonna happen. Hopefully this will spur her on to come clean to her dh, I would want him to know but if it comes from you it might be viewed as the woman scorned, ow could turn this to her favour. It's a pity no-one else could tell him.

Personally I would have texted back 'how dare you be concerned with your own situation you skanky cow' but I'm glad to see loads of others have posted much better advice to ignore her.

She could always have told her DH herself, but she's not prepared to take responsibility.

Make sure you keep the text.

FWIW I think the husband should know, but agree it should be for his sake, rather than out of revenge.