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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

just found out his friend isn't just a friend # 2

999 replies

binders1 · 16/10/2015 21:21

Binder army, please find me.

In summary found out 10 days ago OH has been having an affair for the 14 years we have been together and we have one DS 8 yrs. OW is someone he has been sleeping with since college. She is married with 2 dc' s and who knows OH could be biological father of child(re n). She is also someone we have been to lunches and dinners twice yearly where she has acted inappropriately. When questioned OH years ago he said I was mad and denied a relationship except friendship. Found porno photos of them over the decades in the loft.

I don't know what else to say as so much info was in thread 1. I have relied on the support of the old thread. I call them my binder army. Tomorrow is d day, he leaves the house or we do.

OP posts:
Original poster
binders1 · 22/10/2015 14:28

Florentina and Offred - I think that is what I was struggling with. I know it is best for DS that he is dropped off at his own home as he has enough changes to deal with and the quicker I get used to it the better. But... I need to deal with my emotions a bit better if he is going to drop off at the house because DS did see my tears later and he just gave me a big hug but didn't say anything - I think that made me feel worse! Poor thing.

Pugalicios - I feel for you that you still feel that way 8 months on. I don't know how long it will take me but a few weeks isn't going to make much difference really is it.

I did say to EX 'Is this what I want? THIS is what YOU have done to US'.

OP posts:
Phoenix0x0 · 22/10/2015 14:37

Good on you binders for saying that to him....what a prick!

As an alternative, could you ask for a friend/relative I vote for the Rottweiler to be at home for drop off/collection? This way it won't disrupt your DS's routine, but will also give you an out if you can't face seeing him.

Flowers
Offred · 22/10/2015 14:42

A change like this doesn't happen in a switch like way. It's a process.

I think having your family do the exchange for a short time - maybe a couple of weeks, might help you to get to the point where you can control your emotions in front of x and DS (and hopefully so can x with you).

DS can't and shouldn't be protected from all the emotions IMO, but it is better if you are all (x included) able to control how those emotions are let out around him.

His dad banging on at the doorstep about the separation and you being in tears as a result is not good.

A temporary drop off with your family and an explanation that you feel it is necessary so you can both come to terms with the separation and in the future not have difficult hand overs where DS is exposed to your unprocessed feelings about each other is probably best IMO.

Offred · 22/10/2015 14:45

And you can explain to DS that it is temporary because you are both feeling sad with each other (not him) and need a bit of space to get over it and feel ok seeing each other again.

Pretending you don't feel sad or angry or whatever else you are feeling won't help. DS's whole routine is changing atm, there will be more changes to come if you sell the house, it's not the changes that are important as such but how he is supported through them.

Twowrongsdontmakearight · 22/10/2015 14:45

Hi Binders. I want to second what I think Offred said. Look after yourself and pick DS up from your parents if it helps you, but you don't have to hide your feelings entirely from your DS. He's 8 and probably far more worldly wise than you imagine. You're obviously not going to confide in him like a friend but it's only natural to be upset when a relationship breaks down and your DS will understand that. As long as you and EX don't bad mouth each other to save him from divided loyalties he will be fine.

Keep taking each day at a time, and be kind to yourself. X

mix56 · 22/10/2015 14:47

Did he come out with that peach of a question in front of DS ?? if so, that is really very selfish, trying to point out to DS that you could have made it OK,
I am hoping DS was out of ear shot ...... Livid

Offred · 22/10/2015 14:55

DS WILL be sad about the split. He probably will also be angry. But he needs to learn to accept it too. My 9 year old sometimes still pesters me (2 yrs plus) about why I can't just get back with my xh, tell me we could try dating etc ask why I'm dating someone else. The littler ones (5) just want us all (BF included even though I don't live with him as well as xh) to live together. Ten year old has accepted it and moved on.

Children are all different and process things differently but you need to be firm in reiterating that you are split up, they do need to understand why in an age appropriate way and they need to come to terms with it in their own time and way.

So early on having your parents do the initial drop offs is not likely to upset his routine as his new routine will not be established at all yet.

AcrossthePond55 · 22/10/2015 15:00

What a donkey's arse!! I'd have told him that, considering his behaviour, HE was the one who 'wanted this'. Jerk!!

I think the idea of a third party hand off is a good one. You need peace and space from his presence right now.

Have you thought about what to do about OW's DH or are you going to let that lie for now?

Notasinglefuckwasgiven · 22/10/2015 15:01

Wow binders you're doing really well. Just hang in there....as for the ex, well, he's so hilarious at this point he should be on the stageHmm

Original poster
binders1 · 22/10/2015 15:21

Offred - you always make so much sense. I know there are still so many changes he will need to take on his little shoulders but I like the idea that the drop off can be done at my house but someone else can be there - my mum and dad live close by and my mum would be ok to do it without unnecessary tension.

Across - OW hasn't really entered my thoughts so much except her little life is carrying on as normal. I'm busy looking on line at houses to rent to get an idea what's available at what costs and I've got three estate agents coming out on Tuesday.

Mix - yes it was said in front of DS - I was livid (although not sure DS fully understood or heard - too busy rushing for the loo!). My response was obviously not said in front of DS and I also warned him not to say things like that in front of him. It makes me worry what else he feels is ok to say to DS when he is alone with him!

OP posts:
Offred · 22/10/2015 15:33
Flowers

If he says things in front of DS when they are alone you will have to cross that bridge when you come to it.

If it is minor stuff it is usually ok.

Xh told my kids recently that they mustn't tell me that he gives them sweets because I would be angry. My 5 year old told me and I said "oh no, I'm not angry about that at all! Dadda must have been worrying, but you don't need to worry about not telling me things, I'm happy to know you are having a good time when you see dadda! When you are with dadda he can choose how he looks after you can't he? I just don't want you to have loads of sweets in my house because you are with me all the time and I'm worried about your teeth if you have sweets with me and granny and dadda as well! When dadda has you i think it's really nice for you to have treats and have a really great time with him cos he's your dadda isn't he?"

Offred · 22/10/2015 15:35

He's not an awful father so that works. He's just (still) struggling with the split and refusing to move on, still passively aggressively attacking me...

Zetetic · 22/10/2015 15:37

I wondered whether this might be useful? Please feel free to ignore if not.

www.cafcass.gov.uk/media/190788/parenting_plan_final_web.pdf

Original poster
binders1 · 22/10/2015 15:48

Zetetic - thanks for that - I've printed out and will read tonight. All info helps.

OP posts:
ExBallerina · 22/10/2015 15:55

Hi Binder,

I read your last thread and just found this one now, and I have to say, you're an amazing person. I can't imagine how hard this must be, but you're so brave and strong. And it's clear your DS knows and loves you for it. FlowersStar

Friendlystories · 22/10/2015 16:21

Not much to add to the good advice already given just wanted to say I'm thinking about you and still think you're handling this amazingly well. Crying is totally normal and understandable and your response to what he said when dropping DS off was perfect, he will probably continue to try to make this somehow 'your fault' but you've never wavered in putting the blame squarely back where it belongs and rightly so. You're doing great even if it doesn't always feel like it, DS is always front and centre in how you're dealing with all this and preventing any upset for him (and you) at handover is a good idea, sounds like your mum being there may well be the best option if she's willing. It's one step at a time and you all need time to adjust and find the best way through but you're doing all the right things as you have all the way along, you have great instincts, trust them Flowers

Fairenuff · 22/10/2015 16:25

There is no need for you to see your ex when he drops ds off. He can pull up outside your house, say goodbye in the car and watch him walk up to the door. Once he has seen him go safely inside, ex can drive off. You don't have to talk to him at all.

sodabreadjam · 22/10/2015 16:45

"Are you sure this is what you want?" translates to me that he is not happy with his new life and he would like to come back to the family home (and to you). However, he doesn't want to admit it and he is hoping you will cave in first. He is looking for any little signs of you weakening.

Great advice from others about how to handle drop-offs and collection of your DS. The less you see of your EX at the moment the better.

You are doing really well, binders.

Cherrybakewells1 · 22/10/2015 17:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ConkersDontScareSpiders · 22/10/2015 19:07

just caught up and wanted to say well done Binders-you have carried yourself with dignity throughout this and done amazingly well.This must feel like such a dark time at the moment but it will get better I promise you.
also your sisters post actually made me sob, but in a good way.Smile

mathanxiety · 22/10/2015 19:09

You need some ground rules.

1 -- no discussion of your relationship happens verbally.
2 -- he can e-mail you if he wants to discuss the relationship.
3 -- you are not obliged to engage with his communication on this subject.

4 -- discussion of parenting time or future arrangements will happen via e-mail only.

5 -- if he picks up or drops off DS then he stays in his car and DS walks to the car, and from the car to the front door. No discussion of relationships or visitation arrangements can take place at that time.

The bottom line is that no discussion of hot topics will happen when DS is present. I like the idea of a temporary drop off to grandparents' house until he is trained.

You can send him an e-mail to this effect.

Baconyum · 22/10/2015 21:21

"There is no need for you to see your ex when he drops ds off. He can pull up outside your house, say goodbye in the car and watch him walk up to the door. Once he has seen him go safely inside, ex can drive off. You don't have to talk to him at all."

I didn't engage with my ex when doing drop offs and dd was only 2! It was just welcoming dd back and waving daddy off.

Absolutely out of order for him to ask that especially as all "this" has happened as a result of his disgusting behaviour!

Good luck to you binders you are STILL handling this brilliantly!

I also agree with not protecting DS from emotions. They worry more about what's hidden and it doesn't hurt them to know we all have negative emotions but they don't last. He'll see you improve and being less affected by arsehole ex, over time (says I who 12 years later is still dealing with a shitty ex Angry) he will see things improve.

wallywobbles · 23/10/2015 04:35

There is a web site and app called 2houses www.2houses.com
which is more of a thing for the future but cuts out the need for you to communicate in person. You load a timetable that you've agreed on. You can add in all the regular activities and school events. You can add any documents or contact details you want and email through it. But it's only about the DC. It is a really good barrier. Both my ex and DPs ex agreed to use it. Then you can choose to look at it when you want.

wallywobbles · 23/10/2015 04:36

There is a web site and app called 2houses www.2houses.com
which is more of a thing for the future but cuts out the need for you to communicate in person. You load a timetable that you've agreed on. You can add in all the regular activities and school events. You can add any documents or contact details you want and email through it. But it's only about the DC. It is a really good barrier. Both my ex and DPs ex agreed to use it. Then you can choose to look at it when you want.

wallywobbles · 23/10/2015 04:40

Argh double post. Sorry. Otherwise you can and IMHO should talk to you DS about your feelings. You are feeling awful why would you pretend otherwise? That would be an utterly confusing message. You won't be feeling like this forever. Thank god.

Anyway koko and you are doing an inspiring job if it.