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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

just found out his friend isn't just a friend # 2

999 replies

binders1 · 16/10/2015 21:21

Binder army, please find me.

In summary found out 10 days ago OH has been having an affair for the 14 years we have been together and we have one DS 8 yrs. OW is someone he has been sleeping with since college. She is married with 2 dc' s and who knows OH could be biological father of child(re n). She is also someone we have been to lunches and dinners twice yearly where she has acted inappropriately. When questioned OH years ago he said I was mad and denied a relationship except friendship. Found porno photos of them over the decades in the loft.

I don't know what else to say as so much info was in thread 1. I have relied on the support of the old thread. I call them my binder army. Tomorrow is d day, he leaves the house or we do.

OP posts:
BerylStreep · 21/10/2015 09:24

My SIL and her former husband are divorced now, but their kids really wanted their Dad around at Xmas. He comes on Xmas Eve, stays over, watches present opening and they all have Xmas lunch together. I'm sure my SIL has had to bite her lip many a time (he left due to infidelity), but it seems to work for them and their DC. It doesn't necessarily have to be one or the other at Xmas.

Glad to hear you are ok. As always, you seem to have dealt with this calmly, courageously and with dignity.

happystory · 21/10/2015 09:41

He never even watched ds open his presents that sentence appals me

Zetetic · 21/10/2015 09:53

It is going as well as possible. Perhaps this will make EX become a better father.

Look after yourself.

Joysmum · 21/10/2015 09:58

The more you wrote about him, the clearer it becomes why you've been so resolute to get rid.

I'd not have wished an affair on your marriage but at least it's meant you had the excuse to ditch the bastard.

FoxesSitOnBoxes · 21/10/2015 11:28

He didn't watch him open his presents Angry what a shit.
You're going brilliantly Star

AuldAlliance · 21/10/2015 12:25

I posted on your first thread and have been catching up.

You have accomplished so much over the past days, you must be exhausted as well as relieved.

I am in awe of your dignity and strength. You and your DS will build a great life together.

FellOutOfBedTwice · 21/10/2015 13:03

Binder- I read the OP in thread 1 a couple of weeks ago while poorly in bed. Forgot all about it but my first reaction was that it would end up being nothing- just an old girlfriend who he hadn't slept with in years. Now just read all of thread 1 and am in shock and fuming on your behalf. Unbelievable. What a fucking bastard.

So I'm reporting for duty in the binder army. Sign me up!

sadwidow28 · 21/10/2015 13:16

Thanks for dropping in to let us know that you are okay. You are doing remarkably well Binders. It sounds as if you have handled things really well for DS also. I'm glad you mentioned the new home circumstances to DS' school. The teacher will be able to watch out for any emotional upset and be able to support DS immediately.

Don't worry too much about Christmas at the moment. You don't even know where you will be spending the day yet. You never know, you might decide to do a joint Binders-Rotty Christmas meal. Your EX might be happy to settle for Boxing Day and take DS over to your PILs. Whatever happens, I know that you will put DS at the centre of the decision-making when you and EX come to discuss the festive season.

There are other steps you have to take before you face the decisions regarding Christmas so I suggest you put it on the back-burner for now.

As ever, I send my thoughts and prayers Flowers

Lynnm63 · 22/10/2015 03:21

Thanks for taking the time to come on here and update. Every time I think your exp cannot be more of an idiot he proves to be more of an idiot. How can he not watch your DS open his presents. Im pretty sure we've videoed every xmas present opening. I can't imagine your DS will want to be with his dad rather than you xmas day but even if he did your DS will remember whatever day he shares with you as being xmas.

mathanxiety · 22/10/2015 03:26

WRT access -- some solutions to holiday time such as Christmas might be ex having DS always on Christmas Eve until 5 pm or Boxing Day after 9 am and you always having him on Christmas Day, so he wakes up in his own bed and spends the whole day with you always. This would possibly have to be in return for some concession such as more time at another holiday with ex.

Play it by ear and be prepared to bargain in a way that will seem very unpleasant. It is best to start with a 12 month calendar and go through it with weekends, school holidays, bank holidays, and special days like birthdays in mind, as well as Christmas and Easter. Try to sort out in your own mind exactly what you want before you sit down with ex. I recommend doing this with a family mediator. It is well worth giving this matter a lot of thought in advance.

VeryFoolishFay · 22/10/2015 06:10

So sorry you're having to deal with all this.

I felt very unsure when my DH wanted overnight access for our 6 yr old DD (we have since reconciled) as I felt, rightly it was later proved, that his domestic situation was not suitable for her.

I phoned the Coram Centre for free legal advice and they were really helpful; basically as long as there is not a court order in place, you, as resident parent, are in charge of access arrangements. They advised me not to seen to be unreasonable, which might not be looked on kindly in any possible future court appearances but otherwise to stick to my guns and do firmly what I believed was right for my DD.

He still saw her during this period but it gave me the confidence not to be railroaded into accepting his views without challenging them, where I felt it was not in our DD's best interests.

You and your DS deserve much better.

Idontcareforgob · 22/10/2015 08:43

Binders I have been lurking and cheering you on, you are doing so well. Just wanted to say with my ex the first three years after our split (also for his infidelity) we always had dd spend 23rd over to christmas eve lunchtime at his and then back to me until 4pm christmas day. This meant that she was in her home for the stability of christmas day but both of us got some of the magic but I still did not lose out on dd time. Mine was a useless shit about christmas until he had to be better and then, egged on by dd he did manage to step up. I will never ever forget how hard and upsetting the first christmas we did that was but with time it does get easier. The last two years we have done wake up and presents with one parent and lunch with the other with a drink with the both of us and our new partners (not ow) in the middle of the day. If you had said that would happen when I threw him out I would have bitterly laughed in your face.
God your ex is definitely a fucking bastard though.

Ohfourfoxache · 22/10/2015 08:57

Thinking of you Binders, hope you're as OK as you can be X

Original poster
binders1 · 22/10/2015 11:53

Hi some good suggestions, I don't any reason why a few of those can't work.

Last night I did spend a lot of time crying. EX brought DS back from swimming. He didn't particularly say or do anything wrong but he was asking me if I am sure this was what I wanted.

It was hard to see him, not sure if it would be best for now that when he drops DS off, he drops him off with mum and dad and I collect DS from there, so I don't have to see him. Not in case I change my mind but to just make these first few weeks easier - don't know if some people do/have done that themselves. Don't think my dad would be happy about him turning up on their doorstep but just for me for a short time.

X

OP posts:
pugalicios · 22/10/2015 12:22

I think you should ask them because it can be unsettling seeing your ex. I still feel like that 8 months on so if you can avoid it then you should.

Sorry to hear you were crying but it will get easier. Take care x

mix56 · 22/10/2015 12:31

It is such a rapid turn around, only a very short time ago, you still lived with & loved him.... It is not surprising that seeing him is upsetting. I agree that if it upsets you, you should tell him to drop off at your Dads (I expect he will hardly have the balls) He may try & refuse due to being a coward & not wanting to face your Father. It will get better !

Elliementalmydearwatson · 22/10/2015 12:36

What a cheek asking is this what you wanted!
You didn't "want" any of this, it was his actions that made it all a necessity!

TheMshipIsBack · 22/10/2015 12:47

I don't really have any advice, just wanted to send you some hugs, Brew, Flowers, and Cake. Keep on taking care of yourself, lean on your friends and family if you need to.

Offred · 22/10/2015 13:05

I agree that if you feel it will help to have family do the handover for a short while then ask them. I do think you would benefit from not having to see him or speak to him just now - it will help you gather strength to deal with him in future, just now it is very raw and if it is making you cry that's not something DS needs to see.

It is usually best if you can show DS that you can get on and don't hate each other but equally you shouldn't force it or shelter DS entirely from your feelings as it can be hard for children to understand why you have split up if everyone immediately switches to faking friendliness after they have told you your parents are breaking up.

It's such a tricky thing to negotiate.

Joysmum · 22/10/2015 13:12

What a cunt, trying to guilt trip you into believing this is your fault ??

What you wanted was was you needed, a man who respects you. He didn't which is why he cheated, he still doesn't which is why he's trying to blame you for daring to believe you don't deserve him.

MoriartyIsMyAngel · 22/10/2015 13:18

I'm amazed that someone who could have cheated on their partner on such a scale could find a way of justifying it to themselves, meaning that he is able to see you as the unreasonable one. Mind-boggling!

florentina1 · 22/10/2015 13:19

At present both you and OH are in a state of shock. It is almost like waking up on another planet. Very few things about the life you had are the same, now you are in the land of the newly separated. You don't know the rules, you don't know how to behave.

One of the things that has come across strongly in your posts, is trying to make thing right for your son. I really believe you have to let your Ex drop him of at your house rather than another change to his routine. I suggest a private talk with your ex, so that you can agree some rules for your interaction at hand over time. Does he come inside, does he linger for small talk, this sort of thing.

Get some rules in place so that you know exactly what to expect.

Offred · 22/10/2015 13:20

It's the narcissism that comes with deep-seated insecurity...

'Why is everyone being so mean to me?!?!'

Offred · 22/10/2015 13:21

'Why won't they just do what I tell them to?!?'

FoxesSitOnBoxes · 22/10/2015 14:08

He asked you if you were sure this is what you WANTED?!! Yes, it's everyone's dream to find out your partner of 14 years has been shagging someone else for the whole of their relationship Hmm
He is a dick.
Flowers for you. You do what you have to do to get through this binders. Can't see a problem with drop offs at your parents'. KOKO Flowers