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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

just found out his friend isn't just a friend # 2

999 replies

binders1 · 16/10/2015 21:21

Binder army, please find me.

In summary found out 10 days ago OH has been having an affair for the 14 years we have been together and we have one DS 8 yrs. OW is someone he has been sleeping with since college. She is married with 2 dc' s and who knows OH could be biological father of child(re n). She is also someone we have been to lunches and dinners twice yearly where she has acted inappropriately. When questioned OH years ago he said I was mad and denied a relationship except friendship. Found porno photos of them over the decades in the loft.

I don't know what else to say as so much info was in thread 1. I have relied on the support of the old thread. I call them my binder army. Tomorrow is d day, he leaves the house or we do.

OP posts:
NumbBlaseCold · 18/10/2015 19:13

So glad it all went well with DS and he left.

MythicalKings · 18/10/2015 19:29
Flowers

So glad he did the right thing.

All the very best for a good future for you and your DS.

springydaffs · 18/10/2015 19:33

What a relief. One MAJOR hurdle over. Phew and quadruple phew Flowers

MissMarpleCat · 18/10/2015 19:40
Wine
LindyHemming · 18/10/2015 19:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Finlaggan · 18/10/2015 19:53

Thanks well done Binders, good luck in the future.

whitsernam · 18/10/2015 20:08

Binders I am wishing you all the best in the WORLD! I know how tough this is, and you've done it. You are one tough woman, and now you know you can trust your instincts, and that you have family behind you you can count on (rottweiler) - you will be a whole new you! Flowers

Ohfourfoxache · 18/10/2015 20:11

Oh Binders I'm so relieved for you sweetheart - well done. You've kept your dignity throughout and you should be damned proud of yourself. I know your sister is.

You're at the beginning of a long road, and you'll have good days and bad days. The support will always be here if you need it, don't be afraid to keep posting X

mix56 · 18/10/2015 20:26

Binders, I was lurking before & then picked up on this new thread... The pp have been splendid with their support & advice.

So very well done, in spite of the pain over his unspeakable deceit.
He can take his ego, his testosterone & his immature (ruined) self back to "Camilla".
There is absolutely no going back, time for him to suck it up, he created this mess. (& possible children.)
There will be lots more pain, sadly; Loneliness, (yours) Apologies, tears (his) Begging for forgiveness... then probably anger & vengeance (financial) & finally new beginnings (yours)......
Just always hold on to the fact that when he is regretting &/or spiteful, that he could have either a) not been a cheat (unspeakable excuse of a man) or taken off with her a long time ago....

You do not get your proverbial cake & eat it too...
One day at a time. Breath, remember each day is a day nearer getting over it.

ps Hi Rott !!!

Jeffreythegiraffe · 18/10/2015 20:31

Well done Binders, you've been amazing. Your sister is amazing. FlowersWineWine

Fratelli · 18/10/2015 20:33

Well done binders. You've been so strong through all of this. You're truly amazing and I wish you and your little boy all the happiness in the world Flowers

Chippednailvarnish · 18/10/2015 20:35

Please do what was suggested upthread and add a chain to your front door.
You'll sleep better for it.

shadowfax07 · 18/10/2015 20:53

Flowers, Wine and Cake for you and your sister, Binders. I'm glad today went well.

I'd second the advice about the chain, and also sadwidow's advice about telling your son's school.

RollingRollingRolling · 18/10/2015 21:00

Well done binders, expect to crash and burn the next few days as you've got a break from the adrenaline/needing to fight. You're doing great

LittleFeileFooFoo · 18/10/2015 21:24

Awesomesauce! One day at a time binders, you're doing great.

CactusAnnie · 18/10/2015 21:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mathanxiety · 18/10/2015 21:30

Great news Flowers

That was a very good start to the co-parenting that will be your shared role for the next ten years and beyond, and I hope you will both be able to continue to work together for DS's good all through that time.

When you are talking about visitation, don't forget to consider arrangements for school holidays, days like Christmas, Christmas Eve, New Years Eve and Day, Easter, bank holidays, birthdays, mother's day, father's day, grandparent and other relatives' access, trips abroad with either one of you, bringing DS to events like funerals and weddings and anniversary bashes, etc. It is nice to be able to both come together and celebrate DS's birthday as a family -- just a suggestion. Talk to a solicitor about what is usually done, what might be acceptable. Ponder what you would like too and of course, what would be best for DS.

You are also going to have to look at procedures for joint decision making wrt schools, medical treatment, extra curricular activities as well as issues such as transport to and from, etc. Procedures are important to establish, and periodic reviews of arrangements. It's also important to decide on a general approach to topics such as friends, socialising, rules about curfew (if any), pocket money, expenditure on toys, exposure to Xbox games and the like, observance of ratings when it comes to films, to avoid the sort of problems caused by separate sets of rules, or one parent trying to buy the affection of the child.

Mermaidhair · 18/10/2015 21:31

I'm so happy for you that things have turned out well. We are all here if you need us. WineFlowers

Twowrongsdontmakearight · 18/10/2015 22:02

I'm really glad he did the right thing and moved out. Hopefully it's a sign that he wants to do his best by your DS.

starlight2007 · 18/10/2015 22:13

Expect a rollercoaster of emotions the next few days/ weeks/ months...

Take one day at a time. Flowers

rainbowstardrops · 18/10/2015 22:31

Wow, reading your update gave me goosebumps!
You've been so incredibly brave, strong and dignified. I am in awe.
Wishing you and your lovely DS the best of luck.

Also YAY to the Rottweiller joining MN!!! Please don't change your name otherwise we won't know it's you! Grin

TRexingInAsda · 18/10/2015 23:28

Yay he's gone! Brilliant Binders (and Rottweiler - welcome!), well done both.

GeneGreenie · 19/10/2015 00:33

Binders, just adding my support here.

I'm so glad your ex has seen sense and moved out. I hope you have a more settled night.

Be kind to yourself now, you have wonderful support in your sister, who sounds amazing. As others have mentioned you may now find you hit a low patch. You're now travelling in that rollercoaster, there will be highs and lows. Know to expect this, expect many emotions all in one day, hour, minute. It's all normal.

You've taken one huge step in telling your ds and you should be proud that you've done this with so much dignity, you've done so well.

Flowers to you X

GeneGreenie · 19/10/2015 00:37

*on that rollercoaster.

It might be a bumpy ride but you've got us right by your side.

CarpetDiem · 19/10/2015 00:43

Binders
You are an inspiration Star
Trooper Carpet

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