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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

just found out his friend isn't just a friend # 2

999 replies

binders1 · 16/10/2015 21:21

Binder army, please find me.

In summary found out 10 days ago OH has been having an affair for the 14 years we have been together and we have one DS 8 yrs. OW is someone he has been sleeping with since college. She is married with 2 dc' s and who knows OH could be biological father of child(re n). She is also someone we have been to lunches and dinners twice yearly where she has acted inappropriately. When questioned OH years ago he said I was mad and denied a relationship except friendship. Found porno photos of them over the decades in the loft.

I don't know what else to say as so much info was in thread 1. I have relied on the support of the old thread. I call them my binder army. Tomorrow is d day, he leaves the house or we do.

OP posts:
NettleTea · 18/10/2015 11:09

glad you have that info, and it is written from an independant source, not just 'your' idea of what to say, or I could see him trying to twist and turn it. Good luck, hopefully this part will all be over soon

Wondererer · 18/10/2015 11:10

Good luck for todayFlowers

pugalicios · 18/10/2015 11:32

Keep strong this will all soon be over with and then it's just onwards and upwards for you and ds.
You are a credit to him

MissMarpleCat · 18/10/2015 12:12

Good luck Flowers

rachiedata · 18/10/2015 12:45

Delurking. Massive well done binders. You've shown nothing but composure, dignity and integrity the whole time.

After you've told DS later and STBX has been dishonourably discharged, get an easy chippy tea, bath and pyjamas with DS and snuggle with him in your bed. You can't love him too much tonight and over the coming weeks and it will help you too.

Good luck x

Notgrumpyjustquiet · 18/10/2015 13:03

I wish I had a sister like yours Binders she's awesome. All I've got is a brother who's a black belt. Mind you...

I'll run to the chippy later for tea for you all, just give me a shout.

In the meantime BrewBrewBrewBrew all round.

MrsP777x · 18/10/2015 13:29

Yes please quiet! Mines a battered sausage and chips please! Great shout.

Hope you're okay Binders. Your army is laying dormant awaiting further instructions xxx

bessiebumptious2 · 18/10/2015 13:30

There was a post up thread by someone who suggested approaching OW to add some weight to getting exOH to leave. I actually think it's a really good idea. She will be wanting damage limitation and anything SHE can do to prevent her H finding out, I suspect she will do.

I ran this situation by my DP and he came up with it before I'd even got the chance.

HeartsTrumpDiamonds · 18/10/2015 13:59

Just wanted to say I'm thinking of you today too Binders. Hope your lovely little DS is ok.

AcrossthePond55 · 18/10/2015 14:06

Thinking of you and Sister Rottweiler of the Order of Our Lady of Kickarse. Hoping all is going well and like all cowards, STBX will, after a bit of fussing and pouting, slink away with his tail between his legs.

Stand tall, deep breath, forge ahead.

WimpyArseWanks · 18/10/2015 14:12

Thinking of you Flowers

Zetetic · 18/10/2015 14:13

Whilst it is very tempting to involve OW and OW's husband my instinct is that it might be more important to preserve a calm working relationship with ds's father so that binder's son's future life is made easier.

(But that depends a lot on how ratbag reacts today. If he cooperates then I would suggest keeping it as calm as possible for the sake of ds.)

DartmoorDoughnut · 18/10/2015 14:23

Hope it's going ok Binders

KOKO Flowers

RollingRollingRolling · 18/10/2015 14:36

Binders you are still amazingly strong. I don't know whether he really meant it yesterday or was just trying to trap you to stay, but well done for staying strong and hope you are in the house with just you and DS tonight x

Cherrybakewells1 · 18/10/2015 15:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

sparechange · 18/10/2015 15:56

Thinking of you Binders. Hope it is all going well Flowers

Helmetbymidnight · 18/10/2015 16:03

This reminds me:

Lynnm63 · 18/10/2015 16:09

Thinking of you binders, hope everything is going well and he's gone. If you get the chance to update us we are all on tenterhooks but you and your ds come first and we will all still be here when it's convenient for you.

Jeffreythegiraffe · 18/10/2015 16:18

Binder your sister is fab. Hope it's going as well as it can.

Original poster
binders1 · 18/10/2015 17:42

He's gone. I know there is still a long way to go and things to sort out but it's a big relief.

The idea of preparing what we were going to say was a great idea and that's what we did. It went as well as it could I guess. Ex seemed resigned to what was happening. DS came back and I know I had already brought it up recently but it was still the hardest thing I've ever done. We told him we loved him very much and that he would see dad all the time and we said what I hope are all the right things. He did get upset but it didn't last long.

I've never talked about Ex's relationship with DS as this isn't what this was all about but I think some of you picked up on something I told you my sister had said to him in the first thread. DS loves his dad and his dad loves him and someone has raised a point just recently(rach?) upthread that sometimes when a dad is estranged they can become a better dad than they were before and spend time with their child and grow a stronger bond and I'm hoping this will be the case for DS. Only time will tell.

I think fish and chips, pyjamas and sleeping in the big bed with mummy and lots of tickles and cuddling is a perfect night so that's what we are going to do. DS seems fine but I will keep a close eye on him.

And now to you my binder army. I can't thank you enough. I truly couldn't have got to this place right now the way I have or as quickly without you. I relied on you and you were always there by my side helping me. Your support, your advice, your humour and artwork, videos, pictures, singing, shared stories, your wealth of experience, opinions, wisdom, prayers and best wishes. You've made me strong, made me laugh, made me cry and picked me up when I was falling apart. I will never forget you and what you have done. I have been incredibly lucky to have you all and I may still need you if that's ok as things progress but will take it one step at a time and make sure my gorgeous boy is ok.

Thank you my binder army for everything.

PS - Sister also wants to thank you and she wants to join the power that is MN!

OP posts:
IguanaTail · 18/10/2015 17:46

I feel so relieved for you. Great news. Big unmumsnetty hugs all round. Xxxx

Sansoora · 18/10/2015 17:46

A very sad day for you Binders.

Im so sorry for your heartache.

xxxx

tableanadchairs · 18/10/2015 17:46

Flowers for binder and Rotty
So pleased it went as well as could be expected

IguanaTail · 18/10/2015 17:47

Ps - please get Rottweiler to join. Under that name.

DisillusionedGoat · 18/10/2015 17:52

Take the very best care of yourself, and your son.

You have a really good sister, I am sure I am not the only person who wishes she had someone as supportive and (ahem...) assertive Wink as your sister in my life.

(We'll be here Binder). Take things at your own pace.