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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

just found out his friend isn't just a friend # 2

999 replies

binders1 · 16/10/2015 21:21

Binder army, please find me.

In summary found out 10 days ago OH has been having an affair for the 14 years we have been together and we have one DS 8 yrs. OW is someone he has been sleeping with since college. She is married with 2 dc' s and who knows OH could be biological father of child(re n). She is also someone we have been to lunches and dinners twice yearly where she has acted inappropriately. When questioned OH years ago he said I was mad and denied a relationship except friendship. Found porno photos of them over the decades in the loft.

I don't know what else to say as so much info was in thread 1. I have relied on the support of the old thread. I call them my binder army. Tomorrow is d day, he leaves the house or we do.

OP posts:
rainbowstardrops · 17/10/2015 22:55

Keep going Binders, you're nearly there. Must admit, I glanced at my clock at 4.20pm and immediately wondered how things were going for you!
Stay strong.
(Am still thinking your sis is a legend! I need her to get my H out too!)

everybodylovesdogs · 17/10/2015 22:55

I share others concerns about how he may react now he is cornered. Can your sister just stay the rest of the weekend with you.
Please dial 999 at the slightest hint of a problem if you are alone.
However, I hope that everything is ok and tomorrow sees some move towards a resolution to living problems.
You are doing so well.

catlover97 · 17/10/2015 23:00

Just de-lurking to offer support (and sign up). Been following this thread for a week or so, I have nothing useful to offer but been thinking of of you and will continue to do so. You're so strong and have so many people rooting for you xx Flowers

LittleFeileFooFoo · 17/10/2015 23:02

Yes binders, expect him to turn on the waterworks now; don't assume he won't use ds to g further clear his name. Remember this is the man who knew what you felt about cheating when you met him and cheated on you for 14 years! And talked about you with OW as though you were pitiable.

lampshady · 17/10/2015 23:04

In this incarnation I've never posted on a relationship thread, but blinders, you are truly fantastic and your sister and friends sound awesome.

Lots of positive vibes your way.

wannaBe · 17/10/2015 23:15

I agree with fairenough and sadwiddow that people seem to have lost sight of the fact that this is actually someone's life, and that there are actual people behind the words on this screen.

Also, I am Shock at some of the suggestions on here even to the point that there are suggestions lives may be at risk. Seriously, apart from one comment which op can't be 100% sure she overheard, there is no suggestion that her dp is violent or that the op or her ds are at risk. as for telling the op not to let her dp be there when they talk to ds etc, what do people expect the op to do? keep them apart? make sure he is never alone with his child ever for fear of what he might tell him?

The man has been an arsehole, there is no question of that. But we are talking about an affair here not someone who has been violent or who has actually given any indication that anyone is at risk here. Tears even after an affair are normal. But this is the first day of the rest of their lives, e that together or apart. This man is the child's father, he is and will continue to be a part of his ds' life regardless of whether he and binders stay together or not. Binders has the ability to move out with her ds or not, but she cannot nor should she be able to manipulate whether her ds' father has a part in how to tell him his parents are going to split.

Mermaidhair · 17/10/2015 23:17

Binders , I think you have made the best decision you could have made in the circumstances. Of course you are going to try and hope he will leave tomorrow. If you aren't adverse I will pray for him to be true to his word and leave tomorrow. You must be exhausted and emotionally drained.

bedelia · 17/10/2015 23:28

How are you holding up binders? Today must have been exhausting!

Hopefully you're at your sisters right now, taking a much needed break with a glass (or a few) of wine and lots of chocolate Smile

Despite my own personal experience, sadwidow's recent comments make total sense to me. In fact, they remind me of something wise my father made me consider during the early days of separation from ExH.

He asked both ExH and I to talk with him, individually, with a view to helping us reach the right conclusion for DCs in the most impartial way he could. ExH went first, which I later realised was for DF to ascertain whether ExH was truly remorseful for his infidelity (which it seemed, he was).

When I talked with DF, he asked me a very important question, and told me that no matter what my answer was, so long as I was truthful, he would support me moving forwards and offer the best advice possible.

He asked me whether I thought I thought my future would be happier without (ex)DH. To cut out all the cp about whether or not I could forgive him, how much it had hurt, whether the DCs would be better off with a two-parent family, and everything else... Because, as he pointed out, as he thought (ex)DH was truly remorseful, in time all of those things could be resolved. Whether I could see myself being happier without him in the months and years to come was the most important question.

You have no need whatsoever to answer that question on here binders, but you do need to answer for yourself.

In my case, I knew both then and now that I was going to be happier on my own. I have no regrets with the decision I made, and several years down the line I can say with honesty that things are MUCH improved between us, and we both do what is best for our DCs now, despite all the hurt and resentment from those dark times which followed.

From what I've read so far, I'm inclined to think that you would prefer to separate. In which case, my advice is this: hope for the best, but be FULLY prepared for the worst.

SistersOfPercy · 17/10/2015 23:58

Honey if you were a headline today you'd read Binders played a blinder
Koko chick Wink

shadowfax07 · 18/10/2015 00:06

Hope you're getting some sleep, Binders, I'm sure you need it after today. ShadowDog would also like to be considered part of your army, he has an in-built chemical weapon. Grin

binders1 · 18/10/2015 02:11

Hi, it's the Rottweiler here, hope you don't mind me hijacking this thread for a few minutes. Binder is here asleep, she's exhausted and my beautiful nephew is sleeping at his grandparents (our parents), sorry I don't know all the abbreviations but we thought that was best after today. I have spent ages reading the threads, I had read a bit before. I just want to say that I will always have my sister's back but what you have done for her leaves me speechless. You are on a whole other level. I've never seen anything like it before. Thank you for being there for her and giving her the support she so clearly needs. You are fucking awesome (excuse my language). Can't lie and say it wasn't nice reading the nice comments about me too! I wish that Tosspot had gone today but he'll be gone tomorrow and I WILL be there too and no shouting in front of my nephew and believe me, my sister absolutely does not want him back.

Hope you don't mind me writing on here sis. You're doing fantastic I'm so proud of you. Don't worry. Love you. Xxxx

Thanks again everyone. X

OP posts:
Breadandwine · 18/10/2015 02:27

Hi Sis!
Tks a bunch for that lovely update! I confess I got goosebumps reading your post! It's so good to know that binder and her DS - your lovely nephew - are safe and well.
Take a bow yourself for all you've done. It's very heart-warming to know that you're there by her side.
Love to you all xxx
B&W

binders1 · 18/10/2015 02:39

Breadandwine I remember you, you're the man who sent that lovely post aren't you.Sorry sis, couldn't resist (she might tell me off when she wakes up). I would add a mischievous grin now breadandwine but no clue how to insert them faces! Thanks for lovely message. X

OP posts:
Wondererer · 18/10/2015 02:39

Don't apologise for swearing here rottweiler. Were not ladies were MNers haha.

Poor binder has been through a roller-coaster ride but she is so lucky to have supportive family like you around.. and binders army of course! FlowersFlowers

I hope you both get some sleep tonight.

PS. Rottweiler I think you should join MN under that username. People hear of MN but dont dare to venture through, once they do it becomes addictive! You'll see Grin

FeckTheMagicDragon · 18/10/2015 02:41

Hi Rottweiler :) Insomniac supporter here. I know tomorrow isn't going to be a bundle of fun for your sister - but it will pass, and hopefully he will be gone and she can start getting on with the rest of her life. I'll be lurking, but cheering her on tomorrow.

Ohfourfoxache · 18/10/2015 02:56

Hey Rotty!

I'm so sorry today (yesterday now I guess) didn't go entirely to plan, but I'm keeping everything crossed that everything goes smoothly today. He is a monumental fuckwit who deserves everything that is coming to him. I just hope to god he fucks off and gives Binders all the time, space, everything she now needs.

Please give Binders a huge cuddle from all of us - I'm so, so glad she has such a wonderful and supportive dsis X

SmallLegsOrSmallEggs · 18/10/2015 03:03

Fingers crossed for tomorrow.

What an unbelievable twunt that he didn't even think to apologise before today.

AcrossthePond55 · 18/10/2015 03:20

Hello, lovely Rottweiler! Just want to say that I think you are bloody brilliant! Glad to hear that both DS and Binder are tucked up safely asleep. Also glad to hear that you'll be with them tomorrow. I think that's a wise decision.

Sweet dreams to all three of you!

Friendlystories · 18/10/2015 03:40

Hello Rottweiler sis, how lovely to hear from you in person! You do realise you are now the stuff of MN legend don't you, I do hope you'll join us properly, I'm sure many posters would benefit from a little Rottweiler wisdom Grin Glad to hear the lovely Binders is getting some rest, sure she and your gorgeous nephew will be just fine tomorrow with you in their corner. It can't be an easy time for any of you and I'm glad Binders has felt supported on here, she's blown us away with her dignity and bravery, hopefully the only way is up for her now and she can start rebuilding her life minus the cheating fuckwit. She has all the support she could possibly need both here and in real life and it's nothing less than she deserves, she sounds like an amazing person I'm just sorry she's had to go through all this. Night R, will await updates tomorrow, hope he goes without a fuss Flowers

Mermaidhair · 18/10/2015 04:27

Hi Rottweiller:-) I'm in Australia, and it is amazing that women can support each other from around the world on here. You sound just like my 19 year old daughter. She is very protective of me and won't take any crap. I'm glad Binders has your support you sound like an amazing sister.

mathanxiety · 18/10/2015 04:38

Before the two of you sit down with DS you need to show him the 'how and when to talk to your children about divorce' article:

Zetetic Sat 17-Oct-15 19:57:08
You could print this out for him to read tonight.
www.goodtoknow.co.uk/family/273953/Divorce--How-and-when-to-tell-the-kids

Don't sit down with DS until the two of you have a script you have agreed upon.

Hoping tomorrow will go as you want it to.

Sansoora · 18/10/2015 04:42

Don't sit down with DS until the two of you have a script you have agreed upon.

Spot on.

Thefitfatty · 18/10/2015 06:35

Good Luck today binders! I hope everything goes well with your DS and the tosspot finally leaves so you can start moving on with your life. You've been so strong!

AnnieKenney · 18/10/2015 06:48

Hi Rottweiler! 'Jog on Tosspot' is my new favourite phrase and I will definitely be stealing it.

toastyarmadillo · 18/10/2015 07:05

Good luck for today binders, you CAN do this, we are all here for you no matter what happens. I hope ds takes it okay, he might be initially upset but be sure to ensure he understands he will still see his dd, if anything nrp give their dc total attention during contact, which never happens in normal life to the same degree. This might be a good thing for their relationship in its own way.

Well done on getting this far, you are truly awesome xxx