First Date - so many red flags??

[Elliementalmydearwatson]

First post so please excuse me I'll try to be brief.

I've been talking to a man I met on Match for about 3 weeks.
He was nice and respectful with no dodgy messages so we started texting, again very nice with just general chit chat throughout the day.

He suggested meeting up for a coffee quite early on and I agreed but for various reasons I couldn't manage until this coming Saturday. However in the meantime he has decided that we have hit it off so well he wanted to take me to dinner. Lovely I think, finally a man who is willing to put some effort into a date!

He texted during the week which restaurant he has booked, confirmed time and asked if I wanted to be picked up, he was even thoughtful enough to say he understood if I wanted to be picked up somewhere neutral not outside my home. Asked me to put on my best dress as he was going to spoil me. All going well.

However last night we speak on the phone, very nice. He was telling me how his son had helped him pick out a smart outfit for his "hot" date on Saturday. Then when I text to say how nice it was to speak to him his replies got very sexual very quickly, followed by a cock pic!!
It was late so I told him I wasn't comfortable with sexting and I thought we should just say goodnight for now.

This morning I get a text apologising saying it was just his hormones getting carried away also he would prefer to cook a meal for me at his place instead of going out
I replied I bet you would and, in light of his messages last night, I really wanted to confirm we were on the same page as far as what we hoped would happen between us and he agreed he wanted a relationship with romance and company not just sex.

He then suggested we go for a coffee instead on Saturday night.
Honestly I feel this is a downgrade!!

My thoughts are:
His mask has slipped, he says he wants a relationship but I somehow doubt that!
Coffee is lovely as a first date, but seeing as a restaurant was already booked I feel if I accept this downgrade I'm setting the bar low and saying it's ok to let me down.
This change of heart has come about as I've made it quite clear that sex was something that would only happen once I got to know him.

I've text him saying that disappointed doesn't even cover how I'm feeling just now and I had been so pleased at the effort he had been willing to put into our first date, and this had really set him apart from other men on Match and well now he was more or less saying I wasn't worthy of a proper date.

No reply as yet.

I'm going to say IF he replies just forget it - the whole date has been spoiled for me before we've even met!!

Correct or not? Am I over-reacting?

[PreemptiveSalvageEngineer]

So many red flags. So so very many...

[Quornmakesmefart]

I was about to say what lorelei said - the 'spoil me' comment would be enough to put me off.

But apart from that - how can you possibly be spending a second doubting yourself/thinking you're over reacting after he's basically sexually harassed you/exposed himself? He's a twat. Delete and block and think no more of him.

[SurlyCue]

OP have a think about your boundaries and get comfortable with enforcing them. You seem to have been really annoyed by the cock pic and sexual texts but then you "appear" to be continuing with the date. Dont second guess your initial reaction. You dont have to continue with anything that makes your uncomfortable.

Also i think you should ask yourself, if his plan was to pick you up "for dinner" and then he suggested just heading to his instead what you would have done? Make sure you feel confident enough in your own authority to know without asking anyone else if its ok for you to back out of that situation. IT IS ALWAYS OK TO BACK OUT. At any stage. Please always know this. You do not need validation or justification from him or us or anyone else.

That is not to say i dont get why you are posting, i do, it helps to know others feel the same, but just make sure you are able to make that decision when you dont have anyone there to support it. It worries me that you were so angry yet didnt feel able to end the contact.

[Hesalovernotabiter]

I would say your instincts are 100% correct. Block, ignore and move on.

There are plenty of genuine men on match but a heck of a lot of questionable ones too!

[honeyroar]

I can't believe that you carried on conversations and arrangements after the cock pic. Bin instantly next time!

Sorry he got your hopes up and seemed normal initially, but you've dodged a weirdo here, focus on that!

[MatildaTheCat]

No restaurant.

The good news is that you found out early on what a tossed he is and can block him and move on.

[PreemptiveSalvageEngineer]

you should ask yourself, if his plan was to pick you up "for dinner" and then he suggested just heading to his instead what you would have done?
make sure you are able to make that decision when you dont have anyone there to support it

This. ^^ Totally this.

I think you're lucky there, that he showed his true colours before you got invested, and you were still "home and safe". Yes, bring flashed, even digitally, is unpleasant, but howuvh worse it could have been!

[AndTheBandPlayedOn]

That was a pretty shallow script of seduction. Even without the cock picture. You were accepting everything he proffered towards the effort put in to make a romantic first date special. This may have been seen by him as encouragement which he clearly interpreted as a sort of willingness on your part (I don't mean that you were, then flip flopped-I mean it was his interpretation of your agreeableness that would endorse his seduction agenda). Imho, it jumped along verbally without the steps even taking place...a little bit, a little more, a little more. He got carried away with himself, thankfully, so you got the measure of him without even meeting him.

Hormones? Really? How old is he? Yet he has a son picking out his wardrobe for him? Just fingernails down a chalkboard for me.

Laugh out loud, make a great journal entry, and, yes, definitely block and move on.

[HellKitty]

I met my DP online a few years ago. He was the only one who DIDN'T send me a cock pic! Thank fuck.

Horrible. Delete, block and move on. I remember one cock pic I had (honestly, after a while you concentrate on the surroundings and judge them from that too) I was asked to send a picture of my pussy. So I did. He was curled up on the bed. Never heard from the guy after that.

[Lucylloyd13]

Move on.

[Gabilan]

I would have turned him down when he suggested he pick you up. Doesn't matter where, you've not met him before. It's generally no. 1 in dating safety advice.

[SurlyCue]

"I really wanted to confirm we were on the same page as far as what we hoped would happen between us and he agreed he wanted a relationship with romance and company not just sex "

Of course he agreed!! He will say what he knows you want to hear in order to secure your presence in his home.

When you ask him to confirm you are on the same page you are A) giving him the heads up that he has messed up and B) giving him the opportunity to get better at concealing that aspect of his personality. He only gets better at playing the game if you keep telling him what you dont like. You are giving him opportunities to be a better liar. You dont owe him any second chances or explanations. You dont have to be kind to his feelings. If he does something you dont like you get to end the contact there and then, and you dont have to explain to him or give him a chance to lie better fix it.

[Elliementalmydearwatson]

Thanks for all your replies; it's unanimous - block/delete/move on.
I KNEW I wasn't over-reacting.
Done!

To answer a few of your questions though:
I was just as concerned about the cock pic as the "downgrade" but I suppose I was still a bit shocked as it really did come out of nowhere (no pun intended), one minute the conversation is "I've had a really nice day.." and the next message is whoa cock pic!!

This morning I was in no doubt I wouldn't go ahead with the date in any way, shape or form as he really did show me who he was and i didn't like it one bit. I take your point SurlyCue about having the confidence to be more forceful but I think I was a bit stunned by the turn of events and, if I'm honest, very disappointed. Not just disappointed with this guy more the whole OLD scene. I replied to texts I suppose as I wanted to hear his "justification" for his behaviour, I know there isn't any but I was still trying to reconcile the "nice guy" image he has been projecting from the sleaze he became so very quickly.

I really have dodged a bullet I think, had we gone for coffee when he first asked the mask may not have slipped so soon. Worrying as I'm sure he will be back on Match trying the same routine on some other unsuspecting soul before the day is out I'm sure.
I'm just thankful I saw who he was BEFORE we met.

Thanks again to all who took the time to read and reply.

[HellKitty]

The other option is that if he's been OLD a while and the picture came out of nowhere, maybe it wasn't meant to be sent to you.

[SurlyCue]

think I was a bit stunned by the turn of events and, if I'm honest, very disappointed. Not just disappointed with this guy more the whole OLD scene

Of course you were! Non-sleazeballs tend to be shocked by being flashed at. I have an ex boyfriend who would randomly send me cock shots while we were dating. I have no idea what he thought it would achieve. Like i said, he is an ex i got them on POF too. I dont understand it.

[Quornmakesmefart]

Is it just me who doesn't understand the whole 'cock pic' thing, in any circumstances? Does any women ever appreciate getting one?

I am very fond of DH's dangly bits. But if he sent me a pic of them I would probably just laugh - it definitely wouldn't get me in the mood; I would much rather see a pic of his face.

IMO dangly bits are just funny - or grim, depending on the owner of them.

Am I weird?

[SoDiana]

Good woman ellie

[ILiveAtTheBeach]

He was looking for sex, not a potential future Partner. He was testing the water by sending that pic. You failed the test and got downgraded (I suspect he would have cancelled in the end).

There are websites for casual hook ups, which is what he should be on, he's wasting the time of women on Match, who really are trying to find a DP.

Glad you binned. Uugh.

[SurlyCue]

Is it just me who doesn't understand the whole 'cock pic' thing, in any circumstances?

Its not just you. I dont get it at all.

[SoDiana]

Dangly bits are not attractive to look at unless you're in the mood. Being flashed is not going to get you in the mood. Men are so proud of their bugeens.

[specialsubject]

he's telling you who he is and what he wants. Which is the old wham, bam, thank you ma'am.

you don't want that, so ignore and block.

not all men are like that. The job is not to associate with (let alone have sex with or breed with) the ones who are!

think back to the days of film cameras. Just because it is now easier to send this kind of photo (Rather than take, develop and post) doesn't mean it is any more appropriate!

[specialsubject]

always amused that anti-men in general comments are acceptable on here.

would not be acceptable to say 'women are just dull idiots with tits', would it?

[AndTheBandPlayedOn]

Pickled snozcumber

[KitZacJak]

Cock pic would be enough for me to cancel!!!! Do people really do that? I can't get my head around this.