feel like im loosing my mind with this...

[lostgirl83]

Hi all .... where do i start?!
I am so head fucked by my boyfriends behaviour i cant think clearly anymore,
The relationship is so one sided and i make so much effort while he makes none and doesnt even really pretend he does its almost like i should feel priveledged that hes even bothered to talk to me so what am i moaning about.
We dont spend much time together tbh and theres not really a good reason why just that hes so busy ( doing nothing ) apparently.
I wish i could record our phone conversations just to play someone in the hope they will tell me im not going mad as they just get more and more bizarre, he goes from singing how much he loves me and stupid love songs to me down the phone which he says is romantic but just feels sarcastic to a couple of minutes later telling me he doesnt think i give a damn about him i should prove it and hes not sure he sees a future for us....this switch can happen bk n forth a good few times in every conversation then he laughs hysterically saying hes only joking i shouldnt take things so seriously etc etc.
God this all sounds so petty theres so much more weird things that i wish someone would explain to me why he does this as i feel like im loosing my mind atm
Im going through a really rough period of my life atm and i do really love this guy ( weve been together 2 years ) so its not as easy as just dump him although i know that may sound like the best plan.
My friends think he is emotionally abusive and that his behaviour is getting worse not better
Id love some impartial views or advice if anyone would like to chat
TIA

Read codependent no more you're all about him what he thinks what he does what he says I mean this in the nicest way BUT WHO GIvES A FLYING FUCK he's a prick you need to get some self esteem and jog him on. He will never be any good for you and as for your child forget it this type of man does not do other people's children. You wanted to be on an even keel this weekend because he's off with the lads and you're worried about what he may do don't be worried he will do what he wants anyway he's a total player. You sound very sweet and nice enjoy the weekend with your beautiful child really that's what important x

because no matter what you say or do or tolerate - he will NEVER change. You cannot control what he says, does or thinks of you. You seem to think that if you toe the line he will offer you a few crumbs to placate you until the next time. What are you worried about, if rock the boat he will be off with other women this weekend, so if you play nice he will behave and be nice next time you see him? He is going to do what he wants when he wants without a moment's consideration to you.

And the sex issue - why the bloody hell are you putting up with that too? He is utterly vile, a misogynistic porn user, he has no respect for you or any women. And he is only going to get worse.

Oh so you already have a child (or children). The longer you carry on in this 'relationship' the more likely your children will witness the abuse (it is abuse). A lot of abused parents say that their child is 'shielded' from the abuse. They say things like 'I bear the brunt of the abuse, the children are not involved' - but the children are not shielded, if they are in the same house then they are involved, it can't be avoided I'm afraid. So you see, the longer and more involved you get, the more likely your kid(s) will witness their lovely mummy being treated appallingly. They may try to protect you, and therefore put themselves in the firing line, or they may start to mirror the behaviour. Please protect your little one(s) from this. I know you're feeling lonely, but the way you are being treated is not a fair price to pay for having somebody in your life.

He doesn't worry about you telling him to fuck off when he's horrid to you because he knows your self esteem is at rock bottom. He targeted you because you were at a low ebb when you met. His continual insults are meant to keep you at a low ebb so you end up thinking you're not worth anything more, and you just keep on swallowing all the crap he serves up to you.

Yes, he can absolutely see how low your confidence is - he has engineered this situation and so far you have been dancing along to his tune very nicely. But now you have started to question things, which is good. I think (hope) that now you have started to say 'hold on, something isn't right', you will continue to ask more questions and the cracks will start to show in his façade of being a decent human being.

You can and will find the strength. Have faith in yourself.

Oh sweetheart.
You're not crap and you're not alone.
You're certainly not fat and useless.

You are being used and abused, and you need to get away from him.
Which you know now, and you will find the strength to do so.
You've already made the huge first step of recognising that he's a problem.

Christ there's a child in this?

OP yes you're being abused. This person will carry on pushing you because he knows you'll take him at any price. He doesn't respect you because sweetheart, you're not respecting yourself.

Even if this seems impossible for you to do for yourself, please do it as a mother, for your child. Cut this man out of your life.

I can confirm 100% that he is abusing you. He is abusing you because he is damaged emotionally and it makes him feel better to abuse you.

It doesn't matter what you do, or say, or try you can not change him or 'make' him be nicer to you. He doesn't want to be nicer to you because he enjoys being nasty. He is mentally damaged and twisted.

He has created the rules of this sick game, and the rules are that you HAVE to be in the wrong. Always. That way he can enjoy being in the right. He isn't in the right of course. He is a certifiable psycho whose perception of 'reality' is nothing like most other people's.

Every time you play his sick little game and try to 'please' him, he will just move the goal posts to ensure you cannot win. He doesn't want you to win and he doesn't want you to 'please' him in any normal, healthy conventional way.

The only way you can 'please' him is by showing that you're anxious and confused and still prepared to agree to whatever he wants, no matter how demeaning. Only that can please him. Because he is damaged beyond repair and doesn't even care that he's damaged because he enjoys being this bastard far too much.

He has targeted you as his victim. Put him in the same room as any other poster on this thread and we'd laugh ourselves silly at his pathetic antics. We really would.

You need to cut contact. If you can't do it for yourself then do it for your child. Please.

'it feels like torture'

These are your own words about how he treats you.

Bin him off. One text would do it.

I'm not minmising what you are going through or that you are finding it hard to let go of what you feel he may change into. But we are all rooting for you.

You are all right 100% its the realisation and acceptance that yet again i loved someone and never meant anything to them that im finding hard... i guess thats why i cling on to him for some shred of this pain hasnt all been for nothing
But it has hasnt it
My feelings are a game to him it makes him feel better to make me feel worse
I cant remember the last time my head was at peace :(
But hopefully it will be soon....i dont think he would even fight for me if i did end it and thats just gutting
You lot are great :) i wish i had friends like you in RL x

This pain hasn't been for nothing, because next time you see "abusive" you know what it looks like and can run the other way. Unless you learn this, this pattern will repeat itself over and over.

Oh hon, yes, you are being abused. And the sooner you leave him, the sooner you can start to heal.

Cant he see my self confidence is so low i cant take any more jibes about how replusive i am?

Yes he can. And that's why he does it.

Doesnt he worry that i might tell him to fuck off or go off with someone else that does make me feel good?

No, because he knows what a number he's done on your head. (Prove him wrong!!!)

Doesnt he care about the destruction hes doing to my self worth?

He's loving every dysfunctional second of it.

Sorry for the rant

Rant as much as you like, esp if it helps to clear your head.

And, from SkandiStyle :

He has targeted you as his victim. Put him in the same room as any other poster on this thread and we'd laugh ourselves silly at his pathetic antics. We really would

Yeah, we would today, but not necessarily when we were the target of the abuse. I have a theory that a propah Mumsnetter is not born but made. Forged on the red-hot anvil of shit relationships.

Right, homework for tonight. Look up:

1. Sunk costs fallacy
2. "Poo coffee"

Anybody got owt to add?

The worse he can make you feel about your looks and your personality, the more he makes you feel like no one else would want you, and he's good to "take you on". The worse you feel, the worse he can treat you, and the less likely you are to leave because after all, you'll never get anyone better.

I bet you anything you're prettier than he is. But if you feel less attractive he has more control.

See how there's always a reason that helps him? The worse you feel the worse he can behave. It's a cycle.

Just look? You're a kind, loving person, you're worried about him, you want to make him nice food and treat him well. You should know that you deserve the same treatment in return, but he's got you so confused with his constant jibes, that you question whether you should even be thinking of leaving him. Low self esteem is what he wants.

Im not gonna contact him now tonight or over the weekend im not giving him the pleasure or power of looking at his phone ringing and thinking nah ill ignore her and make her beg me to call bk or make her worry about me

FIST PUMP!!!!<

Thank you...one day at a time eh

one day at a time indeed. Today, all you're going to do is not pick up the phone. That's all. Just live each day as it comes. You're doing great

Good on you lost, you don't need or deserve to be treated like this

I want to send a msg along the lines of...im not really up for chatting tonight so just wanted to say have a great weekend
That way he hasnt got the power of thinking im sitting waiting for his call all night and he knows i wont be phoning him tomorrow before he goes which id normally do

Nah, let him think he has the power.
Then think how powerful that makes you feel

Switch your phone off. That'll feel better. Then go and have a nice bubble bath and retreat early to bed with a DVD boxset and a massive vat of hot chocolate.

Honestly, I have been there and they won't change. Not really. You can't make them be nicer no matter what you do.

Stop worrying about what he thinks or he says or what he might be thinking.

Look after yourself.

Im not trying to make him be nicer tonight i just want him to know that im not sitting around waiting for his call and its me that cant be arsed to talk tonight x

Lost, I war in your shoes a decade ago. My ex was doing to me what this hoofwank is doing to you. I'll bet you are above average intelligence, above average good looking, and had a parent that was always disparaging you. I was all those things, and it took me 7 years to get away from crazy boy. I was about the same age when I meet him, 27, and when I was 30,I had a realization that crazy boy wasn't ok, and had doubts, but quashed them for 5 more years.

It took me a very long time to recover myself after I left him. His actions were almost identical to your hoofwamk's, it was always my fault, or my families fault (has he begun blaming your child/ren yet? ) he told me all sports of cap and I believed it. I thought I was an ugly, stupid useless person.
When you end it, expect him to propose, expect him to go ballistic, call you horrible names and beg typy to return because he can't live workout you, even though you're all those things he called you.

He tried to kill himself and was apparently upset I didn't visit him in the hospital.

He got evening except my car and my animals (I packed them into the car when I left. I didn't want to fight about stuff. I am now in a great relationship, but it took a lot of work to figure out why I let myself be treated like that. Time and empowering break up songs, and therapy if you can.

Oh, and I made him cheat too. Please be aware you are likely not the only woman in his life.