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Original poster

Just found out his friend isn't just a friend!

999 replies

binders1 · 06/10/2015 15:44

Hi, first time starting a thread so a bit nervous tbh but will try to be brief. Over the years, we have gone out for dinner/lunch maybe once/twice a year with OH’s long term female friend from college days and her DP. Sometimes he meets her by himself. I have no problems with this… until now.

I’ve never warmed to this ‘friend’ but her DH is lovely. Call it woman’s intuition, I always find the occasions a bit…weird. She always has to sit next to OH, she pretty much only speaks to OH even ignoring her DH and if OH goes to the bar, she has to follow him. I spoke to OH about her behaviour and said I found it all a bit inappropriate and embarrassing, particularly for her DH and he said I was being ridiculous. I told him I even looked under the table at one point to see if she was playing footsie with him! I asked if he had ever been out with her and he laughed and said no! I told him it just doesn’t feel right.

The other day I was in the loft and came across a bag of letters etc belonging to OH and he has kept loads of handwritten notes and photo’s of old girlfriends. Then I found several photo’s of a woman in provocative poses and some topless. On one, she is about 18 yrs, another where she looks is in her 20’s and one probably in her 30’s and I saw love letters from when they were younger. The face although ages, is undeniably the face of this woman.

So she's someone OH has been sleeping with on and off for decades and I can’t believe I have been going out and having dinner with her and they sit across from each other with their little secret! I am annoyed he hasn't been honest with me from the beginning that she is an ex and I have no wish to continue having our little unenjoyable get-togethers! AIBU? Sorry, that wasn't brief was it.

OP posts:
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springydaffs · 08/10/2015 17:28

No, there is NO WAY you could have suspected anything like this grand scale betrayal. No way.

You trusted him! That's what relationships are about! Relationships don't get off the ground without trust.

You had no reason to suspect him. Why should you? Why should anyone in a relationship.

As far as you were concerned, she was an irritating and inappropriate silly cow you saw now and again. That was all. How could you possibly have known anything like this was going on?? There is no way you could suspect something on this scale - why should you?

HellKitty · 08/10/2015 17:30

It's not you though. In your first post you asked him and he told you you were being ridiculous. He's a lying shit.

And don't go with the lamppost idea! I don't want to be associated with that! And anyway, dogs have to pee there. I wouldn't want them getting ill.

DrMorbius · 08/10/2015 17:32

Bathtime is probably nearly spot on think what he means by "it didn't feel like cheating" is that to him his primary relationship was with her.

I think your DP has/had two primary relationships. He just happened to see you a lot more than the her.

I have two friends (1 not so much a friend rather an acquaintance) who have long term simultaneous relationships like your DP and they both rationalise it like this.

0dfod · 08/10/2015 17:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
binders1 · 08/10/2015 17:37

But if they can't stay aware from each other and their 'relationship' outlives every other relationship each of them are in, then why don't they just get together properly instead of hurting other people?

OP posts:
Original poster
binders1 · 08/10/2015 17:39

Thank you Odfod x

OP posts:
tableanadchairs · 08/10/2015 17:44

Oh Binders l am so sorry, l just logged on for an update.

Please remember to eat. You can get through this and you will get through this. gather all your friends and family around you and take all help an support offered.
You deserve so much better Flowers

SeldomAthleticFC · 08/10/2015 17:44

Hi, binders.
I was reading your thread at work and just feeling so fucking furious on your behalf, I could hardly concentrate so fuck knows how youre coping so amazingly well.
His crime is not "merely" shagging another woman, it's that he's had his dirty little secret with her, parading her under your nose, and not shown you the slightest bit of loyalty or respect. He is an utter scumbag and deserves a lifetime of misery for what he's done to you and your poor DC.
You're a bloody trooper, blinders. Best of luck to you. Wishing you nothing but good stuff from here on. Flowers

TooSaasy · 08/10/2015 17:47

OP. Am in total agreement with Bjrce

Don't focus on revenge, the OW or her DH. Fuck them. Equally don't give any focus on other people and telling them. That's all just a distraction IMO. I'm 8 weeks into divorce/ separation, so am speaking from really recent experience.

Focus on you and your DS. Look after yourself.
What RL support do you have around you?
Understand your rights- legally, financially
Take each day at a time. It's going to be ups and downs. He will most likely be relentless about wanting back.....

BathtimeFunkster · 08/10/2015 17:52

then why don't they just get together properly instead of hurting other people?

Because then who would they bitch about when they were together?

Their dynamic is that they are always there to shag each other/be a listening ear - they can go off and live their lives knowing that they always have this fallback, never risk anything by being in other relationships because they are always holding back. It's like an insurance policy.

They wouldn't last if it were just the two of them in a proper partnership.

You've been with a man for 14 years who wouldn't (you now realise) marry you, and who would only have one child with you - enough to make it hard for you to leave unless he treated you really badly (or found out how badly he always treated you).

Why do they hurt other people?

Because they are selfish bastards and other people just fulfil functions for them.

LyndaNotLinda · 08/10/2015 17:59

And he must know (I assume) how you feel about infidelity and why your earlier relationship imploded. He can't even plead ignorance.

I'm really impressed by how clear minded you're being, binders. I'm just really sorry that you've spent so long with a lying cheating cuntweasel :(

Narp · 08/10/2015 17:59

binders1

You are amazing, and he is a shit.

Just wanted to come on and say that.

NumbBlaseCold · 08/10/2015 18:00

Scan her topless photo's and share on FB? Take a photo on your phone, of the topless photo and send an MMS to the OW's DH? Take several copies and stick to local lamp posts? Bitchy, but oh, what satisfaction to be had. I prob would not have the guts, but then again, it's still nowhere near the "crime" she has committed.

Do not do this, Revenge Porn is a crime.

You are not a fool for trusting, you opened your heart and he has stomped on it.

Now he deserves nothing but contempt.

mrssmooth · 08/10/2015 18:11

Binders I'm so sorry to read this - I actually gasped out loud when you said that the last time they slept together was 18 months ago. What an absolute arsehole of a man he is! No better advice to give than you have already been given, just wanted to say you sound amazingly strong and brave, and to send some un-mumsnetty hugs your way! Flowers

magoria · 08/10/2015 18:28

Why the fuck would he think offering marriage would make you suddenly happy about this? Hmm

Have you considered you may need to have an STI test? You don't know if she (or he for her) is the only one they have slept with.

Narp · 08/10/2015 18:37

magoria

It's actually pathetic. It means 'please don't leave me'

springydaffs · 08/10/2015 18:45

Well, he paid a fucking high price for his revolting treachery.

Love, do what you like (within the law). Really, get whatever you like out of your system. This is your moment, play it how you like

Offred · 08/10/2015 18:52

Agree with bath. He thinks he's gifting you with the commitment he had always withheld with the marriage thing. Except he doesn't know you well enough to realise that you never wanted marriage and thought you had the commitment!

Agree he saw her as his primary relationship. I don't think he saw you as another primary, I think he saw you as the secondary who did the donkey work and he was faithful to her as his primary relationship all this time by living honestly with her but not you.

The fact he can't grasp how despicable that behaviour is and just how wrong he is is the worst part.

WorzelsCornyBrows · 08/10/2015 18:55

Binders I'm sorry things have gone this way. Concentrate on you and DS first, get the financial stuff sorted and get a RL support network. Going to your friends tonight is a great idea.

Deal with her and her DH later. If they have small children and your twunt last slept with her 18 months ago, there is a question over paternity and I think her DH deserves to know, BUT that can wait for another day.

This is one of the oddest affair threads I've seen, not just because of the details of their affair, but him then proposing. Imagine, friends/family asking how he proposed to you! "Well it was so romantic, I found out he'd been fucking his odious friend...." Can you imagine!!

In terms of letting her know you know, don't bother, he'll already have filled her in. I wouldn't say whether or not you're planning to tell her DH, she'll shit herself, living in absolute fear. Let her feel that for a while, keep them guessing.

flustercuck · 08/10/2015 19:25

Funnily enough my ex mentioned upthread ... his lady friend liked to give him blowjobs in doorways after nights out... bought me jewellery for the first time ever, diamonds no less, and spoke about marriage after I binned him for screwing around.

flustercuck · 08/10/2015 19:28

binders I meant to also add I'm sorry you're going through this but impressed by the way you've dealt with it. Stay strong.

RivieraKid · 08/10/2015 19:57

he's been bombarding me with texts and just sent one saying "we'll get married"

Many romance. So propose.

Honestly, you've dealt with this spunking twuntmunter so bravely and brilliantly, you have a wonderful life ahead of you without this repulsive man.

toastyarmadillo · 08/10/2015 20:29

So impressed with how strong your being, keep it up, you are worth a hundred of that cockwomble xx

DrMorbius · 08/10/2015 20:44

Again Bathtime, I think you are spot on other people just fulfil functions for them

I actually think there are a lot of people like this. It's fairly low key, which helps them to not get caught. If Op hadn't have ventured in to the loft this could have gone for ever.

Many people reading this will be in the same position in ignorance.

IAmABeachWave · 08/10/2015 21:26

Binder, have made absolutely the right decision. This is so much more than the cheating, and you know it is more recent than 18months, it's that not feeling like cheating, the photos which he looks at, the games they play when the 4 of you are together.
Of course he is saying he will get married to stop you leaving, he wants you to stay and play hoise and he can continue both relationships.

Hope speaking to your friend helped