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Original poster

Just found out his friend isn't just a friend!

999 replies

binders1 · 06/10/2015 15:44

Hi, first time starting a thread so a bit nervous tbh but will try to be brief. Over the years, we have gone out for dinner/lunch maybe once/twice a year with OH’s long term female friend from college days and her DP. Sometimes he meets her by himself. I have no problems with this… until now.

I’ve never warmed to this ‘friend’ but her DH is lovely. Call it woman’s intuition, I always find the occasions a bit…weird. She always has to sit next to OH, she pretty much only speaks to OH even ignoring her DH and if OH goes to the bar, she has to follow him. I spoke to OH about her behaviour and said I found it all a bit inappropriate and embarrassing, particularly for her DH and he said I was being ridiculous. I told him I even looked under the table at one point to see if she was playing footsie with him! I asked if he had ever been out with her and he laughed and said no! I told him it just doesn’t feel right.

The other day I was in the loft and came across a bag of letters etc belonging to OH and he has kept loads of handwritten notes and photo’s of old girlfriends. Then I found several photo’s of a woman in provocative poses and some topless. On one, she is about 18 yrs, another where she looks is in her 20’s and one probably in her 30’s and I saw love letters from when they were younger. The face although ages, is undeniably the face of this woman.

So she's someone OH has been sleeping with on and off for decades and I can’t believe I have been going out and having dinner with her and they sit across from each other with their little secret! I am annoyed he hasn't been honest with me from the beginning that she is an ex and I have no wish to continue having our little unenjoyable get-togethers! AIBU? Sorry, that wasn't brief was it.

OP posts:
Thread gallery
7
GooodMythicalMorning · 08/10/2015 21:32

How awful for you. Sad

BitOfFun · 08/10/2015 22:30

Just adding my support, binders. Get your paperwork together, and make that call that Wannabe outlined. You are worth so much more than this shoddy treatment Flowers.

HellKitty · 09/10/2015 07:21

Hey Binders, just wondering how you're getting on. I hope you managed some sleep.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 09/10/2015 09:20

Dear God, Binders, he actually thought you'd go "oh ok then, now you've suggested marriage of course I'll change my mind about the twice yearly humiliation you've put me through with your fuckbuddy and her poor sap of a husband and stay with you..." AS IF!!
So he can't live without you - well he knew you would ditch him if he cheated on you, he still cheated on you, so I guess he signed his own "death sentence" (relationship I mean) the first time he fucked her after he'd got together with you.

I agree with Bath - it didn't feel like cheating with her because his first attachment was to her. I wonder if it felt like cheating on her when he slept with you? Or maybe he thinks he's a closet Mormon? Whatever - he has shown no respect for you, your feelings, or your relationship - so now he has to live with that.

NanaNina - your advice sucks in this instance. This isn't a one-off or a short-lived affair - this is systematic humiliation for most, if not all, of the OP's relationship. There's no coming back from that.

After all, we don't even know if he's telling the truth about the last time being 18m ago -he's not exactly been a paragon of truth-telling so far, has he? Hmm

Binders - crying is good - then getting angry and doing stuff is good afterwards. Get the legals onto it asap, get as much out of him as you can while he still feels guilty and still wants you back, because that phase doesn't last all that long, and as soon as it's over, they tend to turn nasty.

MissBattleaxe · 09/10/2015 09:47

Good advice from Thumbwitch. Get the paperwork done whilst he's still grovelling.

Thinking of you today OP. This is one of the most unfair and painful threads I have read on relationships. You have been treated appallingly. There is no excuse at all from either of them. They have both been deceitful, selfish and cruel.

I hope the consequences of their stupid games are very sobering and they realise that real people got very badly hurt because of them.

Original poster
binders1 · 09/10/2015 10:05

Good morning everyone. I've been catching up on your posts - thank you.

Spent the evening with my best friend, who was in total shock. I showed her the porno photos and told her everything. She knew how I felt about the get togethers with OW but like me didn't think for one second it was anything untoward.

She started crying when I was crying and then I introduced her to mumsnet and the Binder Army and you calmed us BOTH down AGAIN! She thinks you are amazing and you are. I'm tee-total (unfortunately) - just don't like the taste of it but she introduced me to white wine and lemonade and after an hour I couldn't seem to support my head on my neck/shoulders anymore (really strange sensation) but I quite like white wine and lemonade!

I stayed at friend's due to said wine and had no reason to get home. I left really early this morning and when I arrived OH's car was the in the drive so he hadn't left he was still in the house. I did have a load of missed calls from him during the evening but I ignored them.

He went absolutely mental, asking where I had been and where the hell was his son. (Wasn't thinking about his son when he was shagging the slapper).I did tell him where DS was and where I had been and told him I had told him to GET OUT and why was he still here? He said he had nowhere to go and wasn't going to pay for a hotel room.

I've got showered and changed and come to work and told him again to get out and if he doesn't want to pay for a B&B, then he'd best sleep in his car. Now I'm crying again.

OP posts:
Offred · 09/10/2015 10:11

Oh binders. That's so crap. His son?! :(

But again I think an astonishingly brave show from you.

Chippednailvarnish · 09/10/2015 10:14

Get yourself a lawyer asap.

And tell her DH.

BathtimeFunkster · 09/10/2015 10:16

wasn't going to pay for a hotel room.

Wow.

Just fucking wow.

He has caused you untold pain and his priority while you are hurting is to save himself a few quid on a hotel room.

He is an utter, utter shit. Angry

He barely seems to register that you are an actual person with feelings.

So glad you have a friend who loves you. :)

You did well. Cry all you need to.

Phoenix0x0 · 09/10/2015 10:18

Good morning.

I'm sorry to hear that you are crying.

And I can not believe that twunt features is not doing the honourable thing by leaving.

Boo fucking hoo that he has no where to stay...he should of thought about that when he was shagging that slapper.

Ask him to go and stay with his family....(we can guess why he wouldn't want too).

Offred · 09/10/2015 10:20

This is all because he really believes he hasn't done anything wrong IMO. That it's a storm in a teacup and why should he stay in a B&B when really you shouldn't be upset at all since he's been seeing her for decades and much longer than you.

He is delusional.

If he is still not getting it you need to look at the housing situation yourself, either leaving the home yourself or, as a preference, looking at getting an occupation order so that he has no right to be there.

What's the situation with the house?

maybebabybee · 09/10/2015 10:21

Gosh so sorry binders, what a shit.

I don't know where you stand legally as you own the house jointly (that's right, isn't it?). Can you ask him to go away for a few days to give you some breathing space while you work out your next move? I can't believe he had the nerve to ask you where you were.

Phoenix0x0 · 09/10/2015 10:22

The more you write about him binders the more narcisstic he sounds....it's all me.me.me.

See a lawyer, tell her DH and let your family know. The more RL support you have the better, maybe by telling family they could persuade tell him or else to leave.

maybebabybee · 09/10/2015 10:22

I don't know if you'd get an occupation order in this case - they're really difficult to get and generally speaking you have to show you're in physical danger.

My friend tried to get one against her physically abusive husband and was refused. Really shit situation.

Fannyupcrutch · 09/10/2015 10:23

Binders, you need to get in touch with that solicitor ASAP and see if you can change the locks on the house! I Can Not Believe the brass neckedness of this poor excuse for a man Shock

Original poster
binders1 · 09/10/2015 10:25

There's a few solicitors that give free half hour slots on a Wednesday night and thought I would try and get some free advice on the way forward.

From things I have read, I think you get pretty much F-all when you are co-habiting even with a child. I don't know how I am going to manage financially. I have a bit of savings but it would be gone in no time. I work full-time but I can't get a second/evening job because DS is too young to leave.

OP posts:
Offred · 09/10/2015 10:27

Speak to a solicitor. Having a DC does make a difference to your entitlements. Make a decision based on facts rather than worrying that you will lose everything before you've had advice.

A lot will depend on his income tbh. Is he a high earner?

NumbBlaseCold · 09/10/2015 10:32

Wine is always good Binders, it helps put the anger firmly in place and I hope there were many bad words said about this man.

He is an arsehole of the highest order.

Can you speak to a solicitor?

And also do you co-own the house?

I would not leave, he should be the one to do that.

I do not like the silent treatment but for this man it would be well deserved.

I know you probably feel numb and overwhelmed, be nice to yourself very much and if you can try and gather all evidence that your solicitor may need in terms of money and assets.

Original poster
binders1 · 09/10/2015 10:36

offred - if he doesn't leave, me and ds will have to move out and maybe move in with sister while I can get things moving. I can't stay in the same house for my own sanity. I did it before in ex relationship and it was the most tortuous experience. I feel for anyone who is in that position but I know I can't do it.

Maybe - alternatively that might work - go down the humble 'Can you just move out for a couple of weeks, I just need space/time to think things through'. Once he's out, I'll keep him out. Can't be under same roof whilst things are being sorted.

OP posts:
simonettavespucci · 09/10/2015 10:39

they can go off and live their lives knowing that they always have this fallback, never risk anything by being in other relationships because they are always holding back

Bathtime is right on the money. It's coward's way of living. He has 100% of your emotional support and is also number one with her, so he feels safe. Presumably it's the same for her too.

I had an ex who did this kind of thing - he was highly insecure in various ways - though also very charming in others - and a borderline alcoholic, though I never found out the details, as once I figured out what was going on I was straight out the door.

LyndaNotLinda · 09/10/2015 10:39

God he really doesn't get it does he?

I don't think I'd wait until Wednesday evening - I think you need to start planning now. Have you looked at the CAB website? www.citizensadvice.org.uk/relationships/relationship-problems/ending-a-relationship-when-you-re-living-together/

Could you appeal to him to go on the basis that it's not fair on your DS if he stays? Because it really isn't.

Original poster
binders1 · 09/10/2015 10:48

Lynda - Thanks for the link, I will look at that.

OP posts:
HellKitty · 09/10/2015 10:51

I'm not sure about any changes in child tax credits as of now but you'd be entitled to some plus working tax credits as a single parent. There is an online calculator on the Gov website. He has to pay maintenance whether you're married or not.

Also I think it might be illegal to change the locks on a jointly owned property of there is no danger of violence, better check that.

He doesn't want to stay with his family as then all of this becomes real and not something you can get over or be fixed with a wedding ring.

I also think her DH needs to know.

And waves to Blinders friend!

Baconyum · 09/10/2015 10:52

I just wanted to say that the financial stuff is a nightmare but you can do it. My sbxh is forces so I had to leave as it was a quarter. I was a sahm with no income but I managed to get a ha place and benefits and tax credits etc. At least you have a job so you're better off already.

My advice is controversial but ex emptied our joint account 2 days after I kicked him out. So I'd say get in there first! And sod the legalities, they're just as difficult for him as you so yea change the locks and toss his stuff out in black bags (frankly I'd be delivering them to his sluts house! I'd have done same but one of them - yep 2 ow! Was away on detachment and the other I didn't know where she lived) He also played silly buggers over debts in joint names but which were really his etc.

Please protect yourself financially. Get an sti test.

Sounds to me she's exactly the kind of bitch to have a kid with someone else and pass it off as her husbands! Is her husband well off by any chance? And your exp not so much?

Flowers its a horrible time but you WILL get through it. Can't speak to trusting again as I haven't been able to.

maybebabybee · 09/10/2015 10:52

I think if you co-own the house you aren't allowed legally to change the locks. I don't know that 100% though - does anyone else?

I think if it was me I would be inclined as he's being utterly unreasonable just to ask for a few days/weeks' breathing space and use that time to work out how to keep him away.