Just found out his friend isn't just a friend!

[binders1]

Hi, first time starting a thread so a bit nervous tbh but will try to be brief. Over the years, we have gone out for dinner/lunch maybe once/twice a year with OH’s long term female friend from college days and her DP. Sometimes he meets her by himself. I have no problems with this… until now.

I’ve never warmed to this ‘friend’ but her DH is lovely. Call it woman’s intuition, I always find the occasions a bit…weird. She always has to sit next to OH, she pretty much only speaks to OH even ignoring her DH and if OH goes to the bar, she has to follow him. I spoke to OH about her behaviour and said I found it all a bit inappropriate and embarrassing, particularly for her DH and he said I was being ridiculous. I told him I even looked under the table at one point to see if she was playing footsie with him! I asked if he had ever been out with her and he laughed and said no! I told him it just doesn’t feel right.

The other day I was in the loft and came across a bag of letters etc belonging to OH and he has kept loads of handwritten notes and photo’s of old girlfriends. Then I found several photo’s of a woman in provocative poses and some topless. On one, she is about 18 yrs, another where she looks is in her 20’s and one probably in her 30’s and I saw love letters from when they were younger. The face although ages, is undeniably the face of this woman.

So she's someone OH has been sleeping with on and off for decades and I can’t believe I have been going out and having dinner with her and they sit across from each other with their little secret! I am annoyed he hasn't been honest with me from the beginning that she is an ex and I have no wish to continue having our little unenjoyable get-togethers! AIBU? Sorry, that wasn't brief was it.

NanaNina - that is really crap advice. This isn't some one off. This is a sustained affair that's been going on for 20 odd years. And as fontella says, it's the gaslighting, the snide asides, the giggling at the OP and the OW's expense.

Of course some of the posts sound horrible. He's been lying and cheating on the OP for the entirety of their 14 year relationship. How can she possibly trust him again?

I think you need to be apart for a while

I agree, 50 years or so should do it.

So sorry you've stumbled on this massive breach of trust, OP. Great advice up-thread.

I haven't read all posts, so apologies if I'm repeating others' advice, but get thee to a sexual health clinic and get yourself checked over, just to be on the safe side.

Having been through a hellish break-up eight years ago, I second the advice to get to know the stages of grief; a great help intellectually when your emotions are all over the place.

You WILL get through this, you really will. And be all the tougher for it.

Thinking of you.

NanaNina If my partner of 14 years cheated on me on and off during that time, took mementoes and dragged me out to see her while pretending any suspicion I had in was in my head...that is a leavable offense.

Who would have such little self esteem or preservation to keep trying when it has happened so much and so many lie have been told?

Who could trust again or earn back trust after that?

He has repeated cheating and will repeat and OP has said it is over so why hear lies and try to make a relationship that is bad for her work?

He and this woman are the only one to gain if she does not leave him, not OP.

I would hope the strong posters that you see as horrible would leave the cheaters in their dust if they found out thus ends the cycle of them being cheated on by that person.

Couldn't agree more Chipp!

Phew, I can do this.

I think what he means by "it didn't feel like cheating" is that to him his primary relationship was with her.

They've basically been together for decades and other partners have come and gone, but they've always ended up back together.

It didn't feel like cheating with her, because she knew about you.

They have had an open relationship all this time, for whatever reason.

They just didn't bother to let any of their other boyfriends/girlfriends/partners/husbands know that's what was going on.

You were never first.

That's why he can say things about how he doesn't even fancy her any more - she's like his wife. He's used to her and how she feels, but he takes her for granted too.

nanna

The man has acted in a very deceitful and conving way.

When the OP had a gut feeling he told her she was mad and then has the nerve to not only sleep with this slapper but keep naked momemtos in the OPs house!

binders as I said before the husband needs to be told and giving the slapper a time limit to do it is the best way.

Scan her topless photo's and share on FB? Take a photo on your phone, of the topless photo and send an MMS to the OW's DH? Take several copies and stick to local lamp posts? Bitchy, but oh, what satisfaction to be had. I prob would not have the guts, but then again, it's still nowhere near the "crime" she has committed.

So sorry binders, you will feel better with time

What a knob he is

I like the sticking to lamp posts idea Ilive. You would get on well with HellKitty!

it's still nowhere near the "crime" she has committed.

It does have the slight disadvantage of being an actual crime though.

It is a great idea, but don't do it OP. I think that comes under the heading of 'revenge porn' and as BathtimeFunkster says, it's illegal!

Yeh, the lamp post thing for sure. But, I think I would text the photo to her DH. And I would enjoy it. I wouldn't trust her to tell her DH the truth!

If the urge to stick pictures on lampposts is strong, HellKitty's flattering portrait of her could stand in as a more less recognisable alternative?

I think some of you need to remember that this wasn't a one-off fling. It was an affair that lasted almost the duration of the OP's relationship.

Even worse, he has little respect for his partners feelings or dignity. Laughing at her when she was (rightly) suspicious, telling the OW private things that she could use to hurt the OP, getting off on being out to dinner with both his sexual partners, and even now refusing to take her seriously. "We'll get married." How little he must think of her to think that she would be mollified that easily, not even a decent proposal! It's phrased like "I'll do you this favour if you stop making a fuss about this non-issue."

But brace yourself OP. When reality finally hits this kind of man it tends to hit them badly, and instead of getting angry at their own shitty life choices they choose to get angry at the person who has caused an upset in their happy life - often, that's the partner who didn't appreciate being cheated on. Make sure you hide copies of everything you'll need, keep an eye on the joint bank account, etc.

I wouldn't send the photos to her husband. It's really awful to see things like that, particularly as for him, they are photos of his wife. I would tell him there are photos, but don't hurt him unnecessarily by sending them. I suppose if he was the kind to yell that you were a liar and a troublemaker you could send one, but he seems like a really nice, decent bloke. Don't hurt him more than you have to.

He must have felt very uncomfortable about your dinner dates, too. He would've noticed his wife skipping off after another man whenever he left the table; the way they interacted wouldn't have gone unnoticed. Poor guy.

I wouldn't send the photos to her husband. It's really awful to see things like that, particularly as for him, they are photos of his wife. I would tell him there are photos, but don't hurt him unnecessarily by sending them. I suppose if he was the kind to yell that you were a liar and a troublemaker you could send one, but he seems like a really nice, decent bloke. Don't hurt him more than you have to.

He must have felt very uncomfortable about your dinner dates, too. He would've noticed his wife skipping off after another man whenever he left the table; the way they interacted wouldn't have gone unnoticed. Poor guy.

Apologies for double post.

For Gods sake, don't do anything of the sort, be clever, if you can, get your finances sorted, get the house signed over to you if at all possible, how many children do you have together?
Right now, don't worry about the oh, think only of yourself, there is plenty of time to speak with him.
You have no idea how he will react, she may even feed him a line and he might decide to stay with her even with all the evidence, as awful as this sounds, peoples reactions in these situations would really surprise you.
Your ec is delusional, he is still has lighting you by stating he wasn't doing anything wrong, their deception is incredible, he is one spineless piece of shit.

Your ex!

Just one DS - 8yrs bjrce. Don't know what I'm going to tell him. Dreading telling everyone. Feel like such a fool for not pushing the OW behaviour years ago and just thinking it was her.

You poor, poor thing. How could ANYONE see something like this coming??

It beggars belief that this foul pair could behave so despicably. It is layer upon layer of betrayal.

Darling, I am lost for words they could be so vile. And his current 'what? It meant nothing!'. Foul foul foul. Ugh.

I hope you can rise up like Boudicca and, somehow, roast them both. I do do hope so.

Get as much as you can out of the filthy weasil

It's absolutely not your fault how were you to know, think how long they would have continued if you never found the photos and wreck their little set up.
Just think that bitch is going to go crazy when she hears hoe you found out, she will kill your ex, won't feel so smug about her photos now!

Well you did ask your DP, and he lied to you. How could you have known?

I've asked my sister if DS can sleep over tonight and used excuse going over to best friend in crisis and don't want to worry about the time for DS. (Obviously other way around I'm going to see best friend to tell her about me). Hopefully when I get home late, OH will be gone. Will probably tell family whole story face to face at the weekend.

Thank you so much everyone for your all posts, support and advice. You have been incredible - like a binder army!