Just found out his friend isn't just a friend!

[binders1]

Hi, first time starting a thread so a bit nervous tbh but will try to be brief. Over the years, we have gone out for dinner/lunch maybe once/twice a year with OH’s long term female friend from college days and her DP. Sometimes he meets her by himself. I have no problems with this… until now.

I’ve never warmed to this ‘friend’ but her DH is lovely. Call it woman’s intuition, I always find the occasions a bit…weird. She always has to sit next to OH, she pretty much only speaks to OH even ignoring her DH and if OH goes to the bar, she has to follow him. I spoke to OH about her behaviour and said I found it all a bit inappropriate and embarrassing, particularly for her DH and he said I was being ridiculous. I told him I even looked under the table at one point to see if she was playing footsie with him! I asked if he had ever been out with her and he laughed and said no! I told him it just doesn’t feel right.

The other day I was in the loft and came across a bag of letters etc belonging to OH and he has kept loads of handwritten notes and photo’s of old girlfriends. Then I found several photo’s of a woman in provocative poses and some topless. On one, she is about 18 yrs, another where she looks is in her 20’s and one probably in her 30’s and I saw love letters from when they were younger. The face although ages, is undeniably the face of this woman.

So she's someone OH has been sleeping with on and off for decades and I can’t believe I have been going out and having dinner with her and they sit across from each other with their little secret! I am annoyed he hasn't been honest with me from the beginning that she is an ex and I have no wish to continue having our little unenjoyable get-togethers! AIBU? Sorry, that wasn't brief was it.

Urgh... Reiterate your terms - leave, pick up stuff at weekend when not there and say that is all you have to say to him and you are blocking him now.

Speak to a solicitor. Cohabiting couples with children do have more rights than ones without. You won't get spousal maintenance but may get to stay in the house till DC 18.

Marriage might not have been important to you, but it looks like it was important to him.

Being together for 14 years wasn't as good as being married. He was holding out on you by not getting married.

Now that he's faced with losing you his decade and a half of lack of commitment is starting to look like a mistake to him.

But it looks like he was never fully in this with you, hence not getting married, continuing to shag his friend.

Interesting that she was willing to marry someone else, and half more than one child.

How do you find out? Did he just confess?

He's probably just throwing whatever he can think of out there to stop you telling her h and leaving him.

He possibly did decide to tell himself that because you weren't married you weren't committed and so it was ok but that really is just one of those lies that cheaters tell themselves to alleviate their guilt IMO.

Why the hell would you want to marry him? For god's sake it's a wonder you can even look at him, never mind marry him!

Well imperial, don't you know that every woman's ultimate dream is to be married to a man(?!) Women will do anything just to get that ring on their finger won't they(?!)

The thing is OP, it's not just the shagging though that is bad enough.

The fact that he told her things that were private to the two of you, like that you wanted another child and he didn't. That is a massive betrayal too.

The arranging to go for meals together all of you is disgraceful, and shows a disgusting lack of respect for you.

I am so sorry he has done this to you, but better to have wasted 14 years on him than 24 and at least you have your DC.

I would tell her husband, not least because there are children involved and there is no way of knowing whether he could be the father of either of them. Just a simple phone call "I thought that you should know that me and oh have split because I found out that he and x have been sleeping together for the past fourteen years. I found out because I found naked pictures of her in our loft and originally thought that they'd had a relationship before we got together, but when I confronted him over not telling me he's admitted that it's been going on for all these years. I just thought you should know."

And then I would send him a text saying "well, I just thought you might like to know that I've told slapper's dh, so you'd better be prepared for the inevitable demands for possible DNA testing and additional child maintanence."

I would tell her husband, too. I'd want to make sure he knew the full story and not the crap she'll tell him. You say he's nice, eh? Well, it's always good to know a really nice man when you're separating from a bastard...

So he threw your relationship away for nothing, or something that meant nothing.

That is a bit of a slap added on top imo, if it meant nothing to sleep with her then what did your relationship and family mean to him to throw it away for nothing?

Why would you want to marry a disgusting cheating louse?

Why would you deserve that punishment?

Why if it meant nothing did they flirt in front of you and her DH and act overly familiar?

Why act like it's a big game?

You might have a point Bathtime.

Hellkitty. I got his stash of porno photo’s out and laid them all out nice and slowly on the table in front of him, whilst he was working on his laptop and I said “You f…..g liar! All these years you’ve been shagging X and all these years, I’ve sat there whilst she’s carrying on like she does around you and you just said I was going mad. When was the last time you slept with her”. (BTW - what’s with taking the naked photo every so often as well? We’ve never even taken photo’s of each other like that).

He was totally silent and then started on the ‘what are you doing going through my stuff’. (That’s where I threw the photoframe and unfortunately missed).

I asked him when the last time he slept with her was and he said about 18 months ago. But what’s the point in even asking questions anyway because he can say what he wants. I never knew when they saw each other by themselves, didn’t like her and trusted OH.

Then he explained how it was all they were girlfriend/boyfriend for about 6 months back in College days. It was never serious, they never fell in love or anything. She was a good friend and over the years they stayed in touch in and inbetween relationships when single they slept together occasionally and he knows it’s wrong but it didn’t feel like it was ‘really’ cheating. He also said that when he closes a door it stays closed. “What are you talking about?!” I asked. The door didn’t stay closed because you kept opening it!!!

I'm swimming against the tide here I know, but I think OP you should talk to your DH and get everything out in the open and yes get angry and scream and shout and do whatever you need to do. I think you need to be apart for a while. You have had a huge shock and you need time to assimilate it and think how you feel...........I know most posters are urging you to leave, or throw him out, but I think this sort of thing goes on far more than people realise. I'm not condoning it and I think the woman is a right little shit for treating you like she did, and OH should not have been meeting up with them twice a year, no way. I would be angry about that - almost like some perversion on their part.

BUT relationships can recover and I just think you need to think things through before making any rash moves. I imagine he "came clean" when you confronted him about the photos, so I suppose that's something, but I understand your anger............I think some of the posts sound so horrible to be honest and wonder how many of their OHs are actually having affairs and they don't know about it - the last survey I looked at revealed that approx. 60% of men were having affairs and slight fewer women, but still around 40% - but were keeping the 11th commandment "thou shalt not get caught"

WannaBe, that's actually perfect. I couldn't have worded it as well as that. I've copied it and pasted it. I'm going to call him and say exactly that.

You read a survey that said 60% of men are currently having affairs?!

Er- could you link?

Op what a horrible horrible experience for you.

Look nana - it's not about keeping marriages together. It's about being respected as a human being.

Yes, loads of people have affairs. Loads of people don't get caught - so?

Why on earth anyone would want to lower themselves to accept that level of disrespect and deceit I don't know.

If people want to live a polyamoryous lifestyle they should discuss it with their partners not lie that they are monogamous. It's not about extramarital sex, it's about utter disrespect and contempt for a partner you are meant to love and care for and IMO anyone who continues in a relationship like that is agreeing to be treated as a second class citizen.

Better to be alone.

BUT relationships can recover

I agree they can in certain cases but I think the OP's DP here has behaved so despicably I don't see how she would be able to trust him again. Would he have ever bothered coming clean or stopping if he hadn't been caught? No.

also even if 60% of men do have affairs (which I highly doubt), how is that a reason for trying to sort a marriage out with one of these twunts?

BUT relationships can recover and I just think you need to think things through before making any rash moves.

He's been lying to the OP and fucking another woman behind her back for 14 years. And he'd have been lying to the OP and fucking the same other woman for the next 14 years if she hadn't found those pictures.

Not only has this fucker and his shag buddy humiliated and betrayed both of their partners, they have behaved like smug, entitled idiots on forced social occasions and when the OP has questioned or queried the nature of the relationship she's been gaslighted on a grand scale and told she's 'mad'.

What is there to think through exactly?

Who in their right mind would ever want to stay in a relationship with someone capable of doing this? If I was the OP he'd be lucky to escape with his bollocks still attached to his body.

And yes, staying together with someone who didn't and still doesn't think they have done anything wrong would just be idiotic and is not a 'recovery'. It's turning a blind eye and papering over the cracks. It's staying together for the kids/house/money.

Why do people think leaving a partner when they completely bust through your relationship boundaries is rash? It's not rash at all IMO. It's incredibly sensible, though difficult to do. People have boundaries for excellent reasons, it totally invalidates them if you don't enforce them.

I know some relationships can recover, but this man thinks its OK to sleep with exes because its not cheating. They have paraded their affair like an
"in -joke" in front of the trusting spouses they have been tricking. The OP would never be able to trust him ever again. Nobody deserves that much stress.

A relationship is supposed to be companionship and mutual support through life, not one of you doing what you like whilst the other lies awake in tears.

So sorry this has happened to you.
My ex of 12 yrs cheated on me and we'd gone out for meals etc with the OW and her partner. I had absolutely no idea until my pathetic ex decided to confess all one day.

I decided to ring her partner to ask if he knew what had been gonig on and he was really horrible on the phone to me accusing me of lying and saying he would ring the police as I was deranged etc.
Totally OTT response from him.
I think maybe he did suspect but perhaps didn't want to acknowledge it as then he'd have to face the consequences.

Obviously, the ex and I split up but whilst he was in the 'I'm very sorry, I'll do anything to put it right' mentality, I made sure he signed over the house/mortgage to me plus all credit card debts were put in his name.

I was so bloody angry about it all especially as my lovely mum had died suddenly only a month before he confessed and I was still deeply grieving for her.

I used the anger and hurt positively to make sure I didn't suffer financially.
He might have treated me like shit but I wasn't going to be a victim in all this.

That was more than 15 years ago and I'm now happily married with a lovely DS (I call him my miracle boy as I was mid forties) and I have learnt to trust again.

Look after yourself binders1.

Great idea to make her tell her dh, you still get the satisfaction of wiping the smugness off her face but making her do the right thing. Who knows, her dh may want to work things out but that should be his choice. Total lack of respect from her to you. By making her tell her dh, you're allowing him the respect he deserves and you should have had.

Fontella - your last line made me laugh.

I've just realised I stopped crying ages ago. I can't believe you've all stayed with me helping me through this today.

Nanna - it's strange, the well intended and how you describe 'crueller' posts, make you feel stronger and of course there's a lot of info and advice that's much appreciated. Bathtime's bluntness gives me a boost of angry energy. I'd rather be angry and in a complete mess like I have been for hours.

I often read threads where the posters tell the OP their OH is having an affair and they would leave etc and it turns out they're right more times than not. I was in a long term relationship with someone I thought was my soulmate. He cheated on me with someone else and I had to live with him for 3 months due to fiancials and then he wanted us to stay together. We were together another 3 years and then he cheated again. I left within 1 hour of finding out. I've been there and got the T-Shirt. Can't and won't ever again. Right now... I never want to be in another relationship ever again.