Just found out his friend isn't just a friend!

[binders1]

Hi, first time starting a thread so a bit nervous tbh but will try to be brief. Over the years, we have gone out for dinner/lunch maybe once/twice a year with OH’s long term female friend from college days and her DP. Sometimes he meets her by himself. I have no problems with this… until now.

I’ve never warmed to this ‘friend’ but her DH is lovely. Call it woman’s intuition, I always find the occasions a bit…weird. She always has to sit next to OH, she pretty much only speaks to OH even ignoring her DH and if OH goes to the bar, she has to follow him. I spoke to OH about her behaviour and said I found it all a bit inappropriate and embarrassing, particularly for her DH and he said I was being ridiculous. I told him I even looked under the table at one point to see if she was playing footsie with him! I asked if he had ever been out with her and he laughed and said no! I told him it just doesn’t feel right.

The other day I was in the loft and came across a bag of letters etc belonging to OH and he has kept loads of handwritten notes and photo’s of old girlfriends. Then I found several photo’s of a woman in provocative poses and some topless. On one, she is about 18 yrs, another where she looks is in her 20’s and one probably in her 30’s and I saw love letters from when they were younger. The face although ages, is undeniably the face of this woman.

So she's someone OH has been sleeping with on and off for decades and I can’t believe I have been going out and having dinner with her and they sit across from each other with their little secret! I am annoyed he hasn't been honest with me from the beginning that she is an ex and I have no wish to continue having our little unenjoyable get-togethers! AIBU? Sorry, that wasn't brief was it.

"which don't always appear to be in the best interests of the child." In YOUR OPINION! Which frankly going by your posts on this thread may be highly dubious!

Tbh Nana even though you haven't (just) breached talk guidelines now you've even got the OP directly saying you're upsetting her at an extremely difficult time for her and you're STILL going on about what YOU think is not happening here which should be

Binders ignore Nana, you are doing amazing, you are being a great mum, a strong woman and dealing with a hugely difficult situation with dignity and grace. Glad you have RL support.

I actually came on to say be careful what you say to the ILS as even if they agree your stbxh is a cheating arse and have ds' best interests at heart he's still their son/brother and a lot can happen between now and when all the legal separation stuff is dealt with.

for binders!

Have read the thread right the way through and would like to sign up to Binders Army. You're a brave and strong lady who is being a fab role model to your DS.

I wish I had acted with the dignity you're showing when I found out about my exh's many affairs...I actually phoned OW and ranted for ages about what twats they both were and hope they achieved the outcome they wanted, they got together and guess what? Yep, he cheated on her too!

You can never trust this prick again, I hope he makes things easy for you and stops acting the arsehole.

Nana, not entirely sure what you're trying to achieve with your comments but OP has told you nicely that you're not helping so bow out and fuck off...

Nana! Go away! You are not helping. I have no idea what is motivating you but you are upsetting a lovely sounding woman who is doing an amazing job whilst going through hell. You want her to acknowledge that you wish her well??? Go away

Binders, I've read from the start but haven't had anything particularly helpful to say so have lurked instead. You are clearly awesome and I'm so sorry this has happened to you

Ignore the wittering woman Binders

Hi Blinders, I know that you have come to rely on the support from this thread to help you get through this crisis. Someone posting 'off key' in what you have come to feel is a safe space to vent, get support and explore your options is probably why you had the reaction you did. I'd think no more about it and just skim over those posts you don't find helpful.
So far you have handled things extremely well!

KOKO Binders

Nana, if you had no reason to try and redeem yourself you wouldnt have felt the need to mention the private messages you've supposedly received.

Let's not all pile on on Nananina - I'm sure she didn't set out to upset the OP deliberately and honestly doesn't realise that her advice is not coming across well.

more importantly, if we continue it will derail the thread.

But binders doesn't want any more of her comments...it's HER thread.

I found this useful article which sets out the position on houses / maintenance.

Hope it helps. Wishing you a happier evening.

www.thisismoney.co.uk/money/guides/article-2650606/What-money-rights-unmarried-couples-break-up.html

Binders
I was in your situation 5 years ago: not married, joint mortgage, 1 dc, affair with family friend etc.
To secure his departure I invited my family round and very politely but firmly asked XP to leave. Now. Pack a suitcase please. Now. We're all waiting. There were no raised voices. It took him about 20 minutes to silently pack his bags and go. The relief was immense. The loneliness nearly killed me but until he goes you can't start to recover. He needs to go.
The financial side was not easy. But it got sorted in the end, albeit in a rather unconventional way.
You can do this. It may not feel like it but you are in a very strong position. Use everything you can to get this negative person out of your life. You might feel you don't know this man but you have exposed him and right now he has gone from feeling like a dog with two dicks to a terrified wreck (inside). Use this vulnerability and your knowledge of him to your own ends.
You have to do whatever is necessary to protect you and your son.

Sounds like the meeting with the solicitor went well but I wanted to echo what others said about you don't have to stick with first one you see.

My first was dreadful just no teeth and so slow. Whenever I brought up about her not being assertive enough on my behalf she'd go on about having to not antagonise things as per family law assoc guidelines but what in fact she was doing was letting ex walk all over me!

It almost resulted in me having to let my ex drive my dd while drunk! (Long story) at that point I lost it and without even at this point knowing it was possible to change solicitors I spoke to a paralegal and asked who was the best solicitor in town. She fabulously directed me to an absolutely fantastic no nonsense solicitor at another firm. What had dragged out for 2 years was sorted in 4 months!

I discovered as I got more life experience that as with many things personal recommendations are best.

Tsk, silly Binders. Don't you know you are always meant to start any post about an abusive partner with 'But I must say he is a very good Dad, it's important that all you strangers on this thread that is not about parenting in any way should know that!!' Naughty corner for you.

Nananina - I am concerned that someone like you works with Women's Aid, and if anytime in the future I refer someone to them it will be with the caveat, hang up and try again if if you get an ignorant 'But how is he feeling?' person, because they seem to have at least one.

I see that NanaNina is getting a right pasting on this thread.

I have taken the time to look back and I think that she was a voice of caution on page 7

NanaNina Thu 08-Oct-15 15:37:56

I'm swimming against the tide here I know, but I think OP you should talk to your DH and get everything out in the open and yes get angry and scream and shout and do whatever you need to do. I think you need to be apart for a while. You have had a huge shock and you need time to assimilate it and think how you feel.

So Nana recommended time apart to 'think' and for Binder to 'consider her next steps'

Nana went on to say: I'm not condoning it and I think the woman is a right little shit for treating you like she did, and OH should not have been meeting up with them twice a year, no way. I would be angry about that - almost like some perversion on their part.

The castigation appears to come from Nina's statement that BUT relationships can recover. That I do find true. There are many threads in relationships where the offended partner 'works through the infidelity' and there are some threads (very few I admit) where the marriage becomes stronger.

Now where I stop feeling any sort of support for NinaNana is in that same post where she said: "I think some of the posts sound so horrible to be honest and wonder how many of their OHs are actually having affairs and they don't know about it - the last survey I looked at revealed that approx. 60% of men were having affairs and slight fewer women, but still around 40% - but were keeping the 11th commandment "thou shalt not get caught"

In the early days of me getting together with DH (we were early days of dating), there was an opportunity for him to link up with a married woman (2 DCs) whose husband worked nights as a waiter in a top restaurant. We didn't have mobile phones in those days, but my telephone land-line was clogged up with calls from this female, her husband and her friends asking for my new partner to go and rescue her. I put my foot down after 6 months and my partner (who became my DH) said "Thank you! I didn't know how to reject her when she said they had no heating or she was suicidal."

I set MY boundaries, and he agreed they were HIS boundaries also.

I can categorically say that my late-DH did NOT have an affair of any sort during our 25 yrs together even though opportunities were presented to him on a silver platter - and vice-versa. So NanaNina was on a hide into nothing with her view at that 60% of men are engaged in an adulterous affair but the wives don't know!

To suggest that having an affair is 'normal' within a monogamous relationship is simply deluded. To suggest that people make mistakes - I agree with. But there is the 'overstepping the line'. If the line is drawn then don't even tip your toe over the line to test if a landmine goes off!

I also think be wary of what you tell in laws. Keep it to the language of "he chose" and "sadly".

"Sadly, Ex-p has chosen not to move out. Unfortunately I can't remain in the house so sadly I'm going to have to make other arrangements for myself and my son."

Etc

Regret and sadness - you'd rather not be in that position but ex-p's choices leave you with no choice. Let the actions speak. Otherwise you'll be the stroppy spurned scorned woman flouncing off with their grandson. Keep ex-p in the Big bad wolf frame because that's exactly where he should be. You are blameless in all this.

Obviously you want to stay in the house and he should bloody well move. But I think his parents will get him out when they know their chances of seeing their grandson diminish otherwise.

LyndaNotLinda tried to explain to NanaNina:

LyndaNotLinda Thu 08-Oct-15 16:07:03

NanaNina - that is really crap advice. This isn't some one off. This is a sustained affair that's been going on for 20 odd years. And as fontella says, it's the gaslighting, the snide asides, the giggling at the OP and the OW's expense.

Of course some of the posts sound horrible. He's been lying and cheating on the OP for the entirety of their 14 year relationship. How can she possibly trust him again?

Then Thumbwitches tried to explain:

ThumbWitchesAbroad Fri 09-Oct-15 09:20:44

NanaNina - your advice sucks in this instance. This isn't a one-off or a short-lived affair - this is systematic humiliation for most, if not all, of the OP's relationship. There's no coming back from that.

Then NanaNina pops up again with a long post:

NanaNina Fri 09-Oct-15 18:16:08

I simply cannot believe the amount of vitriol that has been dished out on this thread. I am aged 71 and so meant to be "behind the times" but I wonder whether you much younger women are actually on planet Earth. You must know that 42% of marriages end in divorce - I don't know what % of those breakdowns are related to "infidelity" but I would guess it is a very high number.

Now NanaNina is suddenly NOT the expert - she is quessing!

I then lost the will to re-read, analyse and re-evaluate when I saw this statement from NanaNina:

BUT the total character assassination of this bloke on here from people who know nothing about him, other than he has told lies and been deceitful. Have none of you ever done such things, ever been tempted, or are you all "holier than thou" wonderful people who never put a foot wrong.

Oh please - I am over and out! I cannot defend the indefensible!

Iguana has an excellent point about framing communications with the in-laws. It wouldn't have occurred to me and I'm glad someone has picked up on this subtlety.

I hope you're having as pleasant an evening as possible, binders. Rest up as much as you can, take care of yourself and DS.

I totally agree with you SadWidow about boundaries. Women are socialised so much to put themselves last, put up with so much awful behaviour for the sake of family/parents/obligation. It emotional blackmail on a grand scale. There is a difference between having firm boundaries and self respect, and being selfish and uncaring.

Personally I think you have the balance right OP.
IF your STBXP had taken full responsibility and been completely and opening contrite, and had accepted the consequences of his selfish action there might have been a tiny, tiny chance of an eventual reconciliation.

As it is, just no. Nope. Nada. He's being a complete and utter selfish cowardly bastard.

I wished you well Binder and hoped you had the emotional strength to see you through this crisis in an earlier post, but that was not acknowledged - instead I got a lecture from you about what I posted and why you took exception to it

If your looking for acknowledgement Nana start your own thread and stop attention seeking on this one.

I've been lurking on this thread, but just wanted to come on to say a huge well done for maintaining your composure and being so strong for yourself and your son given the circumstances.

Although you might not see it now, you will come out of this so much stronger than you ever thought you could possibly be and you will realise this in time.

Thinking of you Binder x

Another delurker here - you are doing brilliantly Binders. Total gold for behaving with such admirable dignity. You will be able to look back with pride at how you handled yourself.

he said he said it wouldn’t cause me any disadvantage but couldn’t be seen to be advising to do so and that would be up to me

Regarding this statement from the solicitor, reading between the lines, he is saying, yes, tell him.

He might be saying "yes, tell him" in covert language but it's STILL up to Binders to make that decision, and I'm still of the opinion it may not go too well for her if she does. But a lot depends on the type of man he is, to be fair.

Thing is, you can't do it right because you can't know beforehand how the other side will react - some will be thankful for the information, some will be furious with you for "rocking the boat". Some would rather hear it around from other concerned parties, some would rather you had told them yourself. Some would rather never know! Which is why, IMO, it's better to steer clear of the situation. BUT if Binders chooses to tell the OW's DH, then that's entirely up to her and I will support her either way.

It was two main issues with nana, not to perpetuate the misery;

1. The 'offering' of advice that implied leaving a man is rash, unwise etc and that relationships can be fixed on a thread where the op had repeatedly stated that due to her boundaries influenced by her history staying together was something she was not interested in in a condescending manner that belittled the magnitude of the hurt and implied the op was an irrational woman incapable of making her own decisions and if she could only see things rationally she wouldn't think this was a problem, which is the precise gas lighting cock womble is currently pulling.

And

1. The offering of unsolicited and patronising advice about children being exposed to alienation and conflict by warring parents which came across as a criticism of the op's parenting skills and as far as I can see was entirely unecessary.

Those two things in addition to the lack of criticism of the knob end in question and in fact defence of him when he has been castigated by others ARE really upsetting to read when things are so raw.

The 'I'm going to flounce if you don't accept mother knows best' subsequent posts?! No words...