Just found out his friend isn't just a friend!

[binders1]

Hi, first time starting a thread so a bit nervous tbh but will try to be brief. Over the years, we have gone out for dinner/lunch maybe once/twice a year with OH’s long term female friend from college days and her DP. Sometimes he meets her by himself. I have no problems with this… until now.

I’ve never warmed to this ‘friend’ but her DH is lovely. Call it woman’s intuition, I always find the occasions a bit…weird. She always has to sit next to OH, she pretty much only speaks to OH even ignoring her DH and if OH goes to the bar, she has to follow him. I spoke to OH about her behaviour and said I found it all a bit inappropriate and embarrassing, particularly for her DH and he said I was being ridiculous. I told him I even looked under the table at one point to see if she was playing footsie with him! I asked if he had ever been out with her and he laughed and said no! I told him it just doesn’t feel right.

The other day I was in the loft and came across a bag of letters etc belonging to OH and he has kept loads of handwritten notes and photo’s of old girlfriends. Then I found several photo’s of a woman in provocative poses and some topless. On one, she is about 18 yrs, another where she looks is in her 20’s and one probably in her 30’s and I saw love letters from when they were younger. The face although ages, is undeniably the face of this woman.

So she's someone OH has been sleeping with on and off for decades and I can’t believe I have been going out and having dinner with her and they sit across from each other with their little secret! I am annoyed he hasn't been honest with me from the beginning that she is an ex and I have no wish to continue having our little unenjoyable get-togethers! AIBU? Sorry, that wasn't brief was it.

I would advocate not getting into the 'why should I move out' mindset. The reality is that you're going to have to move eventually and moving out now would very loudly say - now do you realise this is over!

If you are sure your house will sell, cut your losses and move on.

Must it really be "made sales ready"? Or must this involve a lot? Prospective buyers will want to make their own mark on it any way.

I agree that you shouldn't leave. Put pressure on him to go. I know he might not - my ex wouldn't leave for two years and it was horrendous.

And you are right that he could leave and come back. My ex did that too, twice.

If you leave and he stays in the house he could sabotage any potential house sale if he doesn't want to sell up. The least he could do is be awkward re the selling price or stall.

Don't trust him whatsoever.

I considered moving out with the dc when I separated but it was the right decision financially to stay. Especially as I continued paying the mortgage and bills. Ex's lack of financial contribution came back to bite him eventually.

I just want to sleep and stay asleep until it's all over and I don't feel like this anymore.

I know that feeling binders. One way or another you absolutely need to live separately now, for the sake of your health and well-being, and to lessen the impact this will have on your amazing son. The longer STBXP tries to put it off, the worse it will be for you all due to the breeding of resentment.

When ExH and I split, the kids and I went through two months of hell as he point blank refused to leave the "family" home. He thought that he could grind me down, make me stay knowing how important it was to me that the children were not disrupted. Even now I don't think he has the faintest understanding of how badly that time affected the children! The resentment deteriorated into severe EA and threats which ultimately meant we had no choice but to leave (and the house was in my name!).

Is STBXP fully aware that one of you needs to be gone by Saturday? He may need this spelling out, so that there is no uncertainty. Perhaps send him an email to the tune of "One of us needs to leave the house by 5pm Saturday. Are you leaving, or do DS and I need to?".

If possible, get DS to stay with GPs for a while to cover this time, even if you think STBXH will leave, to make sure he's out of the way. And ask your sister (or someone else) to be there in the house with you, whichever way it pans out to shield you from the bitterness/begging. Have a day and time for the near-future planned for the one who is leaving to collect the remainder of their belongings (and again, try to keep DS away when this happens).

Right now I'd only be willing to discuss which one of you will be moving out. Contact and financial arrangements can come later. He may still not realise how steadfast you are that the relationship is over, perhaps thinking that telling everyone about his "dirty deeds" is enough punishment and that eventually you'll see how much "effort" he's putting into "trying to keep his family together". Once one of you leaves, the finality of it will hit him.

If you and DS do need to move out, consider the possibility of being able to move back in once he realises it's final and/or his parents let rip about his choices disrupting their grandson.

Take care of yourself and DS. Things will get better for you both soon

Text has now been sent to OH's father not received response yet.

Bedelia - Thank you for your story. Hell is exactly how I would describe it. No I guess he doesn't know someone has to leave on Saturday (sorry I will rephrase that - that he needs to leave on Saturday) - I will let him know right now.

DS has a busy day on Saturday with his granddad so won't be around at all but I am pretty sure I wont be able to keep my sister away.

Having your sister around on Saturday either to supervise his leaving or to help you pack your own things will be a great support. It's especially good that DS will not be around to witness any potential unpleasantness.

FX that STBXP's parents will keep their grandson as their number one priority. I'm glad you found my suggestion useful about letting them know about the moving out situation. You are hitting every note just right, and I am in awe of the dignity and self-possession with which you are handling things.

Take care of yourself tonight. Only two more nights to go!

It is possible, for both divorce and cohabiting situations for proceedings to be issued at Court. If the occupying party refuses to comply with a sale it is possible for the Judge to make an order that the other party has full conduct of the sale. It is also possible for the Judge to ale an order that he will sign the necessary paperwork if the non-compliant party refuses to do so.

Please be aware that the law differs for marriage and cohabitation. The twunt here is a partner, not a husband. The phrase "common law wife" often gets bandied about. This is not recognised in law. In one way it is good that the house is in joint names.
In another it isn't. As the mortgage is in joint names OP and twunt are both jointly and severally liable. If he doesn't pay the mortgage, the lender will look to OP to pay it.

If I dare raise my head above the parapet again......and I have a very hard hat on so gang up on me all you like, it matters not.

Can I just say binder in relation to your comment "DS stays with me - until he's grown up" that you and his father have equal rights to your child and you share Parental Responsibility. You haven't mentioned anything about the relationship between your son and his dad, but your son has the right to have a meaningful relationship with both of you and with his extended family (and I know you are intent on encouraging the r/ship your son has with his paternal grandparents). The fact that his dad has cheated on you doesn't affect his ability to be a nurturing parent.

I hope you can work out something between you about the arrangements for your son. If you can't the matter is dealt with in the family courts, although you have to attend mediation appointments first. There is no such thing as custody or Residence Orders now, Orders made in court are called Child Arrangement Orders. It is usual for the child to have his permanent home with one parent and for the other parent to have contact, which is defined by the Court. It is possible for a Judge to make a shared care arrangement so that the child shares his time equally between the parents.

I know I said this in a previous post and you took it to mean that I thought you were going to "drag your son" into all this, which was not what I meant at all. I have in the past worked in the family courts and would urge you to make an agreement without recourse to the courts, as that is very stressful.

Thank you to the people who have PMed me to say that I had a "hard time" on this thread, and I have to say I was astonished at the vitriol that was poured out on me, simply because I was looking at things from a slightly different angle, but I think this happens when the "herd mentality" gets underway.

I wished you well Binder and hoped you had the emotional strength to see you through this crisis in an earlier post, but that was not acknowledged - instead I got a lecture from you about what I posted and why you took exception to it. Nonetheless I still wish you well and hope that you are able to get through this with the minimum of upset and are able to move on in your life, albeit with your trust in men seriously diminished.

I've just read this whole thread and wow, just wow. What an absolutely awful shock you've had OP, yet you've been so strong, so dignified in how you've got through these past days.

Your OH is an absolutely deluded idiot - for what he did and for how he's dealt with it since.

It's clear to an 'onlooker' that you are going to get through this and get your son through it. You are doing absolutely the right thing in maintaining his relationship with his dad and with that side of the family. It can't be easy to do.

Your sister sounds fabulous. I'm so glad you have good rl support around you.

You haven't mentioned anything about the relationship between your son and his dad,

Sometimes a person doesn't have to state the obvious, and the obvious in this case is that Binders will do her best for her son which is make sure he has a relationship with his dad.

And it looks as if you have just been waiting to come back to this thread and redeem yourself after you last post, and any reason would suit you.

Someone above asked about what happens if he refuses to sell. I'm in the US so this may not apply but it depends on the deed title:

Joint Tenants; cannot sell one's own interest, both parties must agree to sell.

Tenants in Common; either owner can sell their share independently of the other on the open market, but in reality who would want to buy 1/2 a house?

Moose indicates that a judge will be able to force a sale if Mr Happy Cock gets ornery. As far as the 'joint and several liability' that's how BFF got her credit ruined. The mortgage company expected HER to pay the full mortgage when her twunt ex 'stopped working' (he started working for cash) and had 'no income' whilst she had a wage paying job.

binder get any questions answered regarding the how, what, when, and why of being able to force the sale. Once you know that you'll be in a better position to confront him with 'If you don't do XX, I will get the court to order YY'.

Of course it's up to you, but I don't think I'd leave the house before I had that information. That doesn't mean you & DS cannot stay at your sister's 4 nights a week to give yourself some space, but I wouldn't move any possessions out of the home, I'd still maintain a 'presence'. Other than valuables and/or things you don't want him to toss/ruin/snoop through.

Nana. I am astonished at your post again. You may be wearing a VERY HARD HAT but I can assure you I am not.

I had an unexpected reaction to your post, my heart rate increased significantly and I wasn't sure what it was or why and without warning, my eyes began to sting and unable to control it, I was in tears.

Is that the reaction you wanted Nana. Is that what you wanted me to feel like? Is that how you reacted to the vitriol you describe - I don't think so.

You have spent another 3 unnecessary paragraphs on my son and I don't know WHY. I don't know what I have said that keeps giving you cause for concern. I think I have stated a number of times, in different ways how I want nothing but my son to have the best relationships with everyone, not least his father. I assure you, no courts will be necessary as far he is concerned.

With upmost respect, I am sure with your 'background' you have helped many people Nana but I can assure you 100% your words are not helping me.

Here we go - you're first up Sansoora with the insults. No actually I'm not trying to redeem myself at all - I have no reason to as I have not broken any talk guidelines or indeed posted anything inappropriate. And I am at perfect liberty to post on whatever threads I wish, as do all MNetters

Believe it or not I am concerned that the matter doesn't up in the family courts, as Judges have been making some very worrying Orders of late, which don't always appear to be in the best interests of the child.

I am equally astonished Binder at why you are so astonished/upset/insulted by my posts. I really am. You said this was your first post - are you new to MN? I have been posting since 2011 and have never had this reaction before. No of course I don't want to upset you. If I could be bothered (which I can't) I'd go back to check my posts because I know that I haven't said anything inappropriate. OK so I'm not calling your partner insulting names but that doesn't mean I can't feel for you in your predicament.

And for the 3rd time I will say I wish you well - you seem to be unable to acknowledge this sentiment.

There's only one person I can see attempting to give 'lectures' here, NanaNina, and plenty of people have been of the opinion that your posts are inappropriate.

I've been lurking and following, binders, and I wish you well and am sorry you've had to put up with this nonsense. By which I mean NanaNina's latest sanctimonious post, but of course it also applies to your STBXP's behaviour.

Everyone wishes Binder well. Only you want acknowledgement, Nana. Why is that?

oh for heavens sake Nana-she doesn't need to acknowledge your statement.do give it a rest.

sentiment sorry-not statement.But really....

I'm good at supporting women
Your DP 'only' cheated on you for 14 years, no big deal, get over it
I'm good at supporting women
I've done it in a semi-official capacity
I'm good at supporting women
I know you're planning on alienating your child from his father despite you saying nothing to indicate such
I'm good at supporting women
THANK ME

Binders you've got loads of people on here wishing you well and telling you how amazingly strong you have been. I'm pretty sure everyone can see you wish no harm to your son and want the best for him and will ensure he maintains a good relationship with his father and your in laws.

If nana is upsetting you so much please let's just ignore her posts as it doesn't look like she'll do the sensible thing and leave the thread. It appears she has a point to make and will stay to make it, however disrespectful that may be.

Nana, Sansoora didn't insult you. You want a row. I don't think this is the place for it.

NanaNina it's clear that binders isn't interested in your 'advice' at the moment. Sometimes you have to accept that your help isn't wanted no matter how kindly meant and this is one of those occasions.

Time for you to leave this thread, don't you think?

I think in your shoes Nana I would bow out graciously and accept that your posts are not striking the right note on this particular thread. Binders has far more important things to focus on than acknowledging your sentiment, well intentioned though it may be, and its unfair to deflect attention from the very real issues she is facing because you're feeling offended that your advice has been misinterpreted. The important thing here is that Binders gets the support she needs and, for whatever reason, your posts are detracting from that and creating a bad atmosphere on the thread. I'm sure there are other posters you can assist but I don't think Binders is one of them.

Meant to add that I think you're doing amazingly well binders . I'm two weeks into a separation myself and to me you sound so strong. Go girl!