Just found out his friend isn't just a friend!

[binders1]

Hi, first time starting a thread so a bit nervous tbh but will try to be brief. Over the years, we have gone out for dinner/lunch maybe once/twice a year with OH’s long term female friend from college days and her DP. Sometimes he meets her by himself. I have no problems with this… until now.

I’ve never warmed to this ‘friend’ but her DH is lovely. Call it woman’s intuition, I always find the occasions a bit…weird. She always has to sit next to OH, she pretty much only speaks to OH even ignoring her DH and if OH goes to the bar, she has to follow him. I spoke to OH about her behaviour and said I found it all a bit inappropriate and embarrassing, particularly for her DH and he said I was being ridiculous. I told him I even looked under the table at one point to see if she was playing footsie with him! I asked if he had ever been out with her and he laughed and said no! I told him it just doesn’t feel right.

The other day I was in the loft and came across a bag of letters etc belonging to OH and he has kept loads of handwritten notes and photo’s of old girlfriends. Then I found several photo’s of a woman in provocative poses and some topless. On one, she is about 18 yrs, another where she looks is in her 20’s and one probably in her 30’s and I saw love letters from when they were younger. The face although ages, is undeniably the face of this woman.

So she's someone OH has been sleeping with on and off for decades and I can’t believe I have been going out and having dinner with her and they sit across from each other with their little secret! I am annoyed he hasn't been honest with me from the beginning that she is an ex and I have no wish to continue having our little unenjoyable get-togethers! AIBU? Sorry, that wasn't brief was it.

I have just read through this thread and... well... holy fucking shit!

My hat is off to you. I would have acted so, so differently in the face of all you have been through.

I'm sending strength

Anyone else keep hearing 'Binder's army' in a football chant?

You're doing great Binder. It's a shock seeing who you thought you knew isn't!

Hope you're feeling strong today binders

How are you today Binders?

Hi, as you know went to solicitors last night and he was really nice and it was interesting because there was a lot more information than I envisaged and more possibilities than I thought, although not necessarily suitable to me but good to know. There is a big difference between what is possible and what you ONLY legally have to do when cohabiting with child.

It basically comes down to what type of partner you have, what they agree to do, what they are able and prepared to do financially, knowing that they can do more than they legally have to if they can and IF they wish to e.g. pay more money than just child maintenance etc to help with bills etc. You can get it all down in writing apparently in a separation agreement.

It is also possible to stay in your own home until child is 18 but again it all depends on the financials.

I mentioned the late night verbally abusive visit and he recommended it was recorded with the Police and said if I thought we were at real risk there were options.

I discussed if threatening telling OW’s DH about affair as a leverage to get OH out and he said he said it wouldn’t cause me any disadvantage but couldn’t be seen to be advising to do so and that would be up to me.

And that was it… 30 minutes gone. Not sure if I 'err'ed on the side of caution there Numblase. This post was a lot more detailed and I have taken a lot out because of your advice but you know what I'm like when I write I'm.... "he said and she said and he said and she said and he said and she said and on and on I go..... If my OH ever read this thread, he would identify himself in seconds anyway but highly unlikely to happen.

I’m still waiting for info from the bank etc re: mortgage, redemption certificate etc etc but I know that buying him out is not going to be an option. It’s going to have to be either he buys me out or house is sold and equity split. It’s not a case of whether I will be ok, me and DS are just going to have to be ok.

Sadwidow and Lacoba - You are absolutely right, I have one beautiful son and I don't know what I would do without him.

Thank you Iguana - I think something very short and simple is the right way to go with DS and then just answer his questions and alleviate any fears he may have and give him lots of reassurance and love and things to look forward to and let him know that everything will be ok.

Moving forwards though... I honestly can't do this living in the same house thing - I knew I couldn't and I honestly can't.

I have permanent stomach ache and pains in my body. Feel sick all the time and feelings of panic are overwhelming at times. I can't stand hearing the door go and knowing he is back or even hearing it go and knowing he's gone. When I am not with DS, I just go to my bedroom and stay there. I just want to sleep and stay asleep until it's all over and I don't feel like this anymore.

He has to be out or we have to be gone by the weekend (Saturday). I didn't know whether to let OH's dad know that if he doesn't go at the weekend, we will be moving in with my sister because I can't cope with him being there and see what his dad says or can do.

OH's sister text me last night to ask if I was ok which was nice of her. OH's mum told her apparently. She said she couldn't believe it when she heard and of course she knows who OW is. She asked if I had spoken to OW or if her husband knew and I said no and didn't know if he knew or not. She thinks sooner or later he will know just because everyone is finding out.

I told her I was doing as well as can be, but I needed her brother out just UNTIL we get things sorted. She said she understood and that it made no sense for me and DS to have to move out into a shared bedroom, when he could just easily move out. Then she said if I needed anything to call her.

Big sigh....

Just be careful what you tell the Inlaws, I would keep it to "He needs to leave". Do they know about the photos? If they don't I think he will try to minimise what he has done by twisting what he tells them.

Are you going to stick with the solicitor you saw?

The feelings of panic will pass, I promise.

Ah binders... So sorry I don't have time to write much right now but I just wanted to send lots of warm, virtual hugs

Well done for getting through the solicitor's appointment! I'm glad to hear you got lots of information.

If he won't leave, then clearly you and DS need to go stay with your sister for the sake of your sanity and health, and there is nothing wrong with that. Don't fret about that decision, it's essentially made and you know that by Saturday night, wherever you are, he won't be there.

It is probably worth letting his parents know that if he does not move out, you and DS will. Let them know in as neutral a way as possible, framing it as you being helpful about their contact with their grandson - i.e. "if your son hasn't moved out by Saturday, DS and I will be moving out to stay with my sister, so if you'd like to see DS, here's the address and contact details to arrange something." If you are lucky, they will come to the conclusion that their son is not acting in their grandson's best interests by staying in the house and will apply pressure to leave.

Don't worry about telling the OW's DH yourself if you can't face it. He does deserve to know, but it really isn't your problem, so don't do it if you don't want to. Focus on getting through to Saturday, take tomorrow off work if you need to, or go in if you find that working helps take your mind off things. Whatever works for you! Your army's always here.

His sister and his DPs all know 'Miss Playmate 1986', I imagine she will be shitting herself about when, not if, her DH finds out. If you don't tell him I bet they're plenty who will!

It makes sense for him to move out BUT would his parents put him up? I think you need to practise your Daily Mail sad face to his parents about how unsettling it would be for DS to move on top of all this.

You go girl!

Mship that idea of what to text the in laws is really good.

Binders you need to look after yourself, if you need to move in with your sister just do it for your own sanity.

IMO I still think that your ex is probably deluded enough to think what you have said, are no more than empty threats. Keep on being consistent.

I thought the message from your SIL was thoughtful and she didn't sound impressed with what he has done.

What did the lawyer say about leaving the family home now, if you plan to exercise your right to stay in it until your ds is 18? (dont forget to save up so you can buy yourself another home when the time comes)

Another one here who thinks Mship's text is a damned good idea - it's neutral, not accusatory and informative. And it makes it very clear that you want Ds to continue to have a relationship with them which, let's face it, must be something they're worried about. It might help to ease their fears a bit.

How are you doing today love? Did you manage to record the session?

Please don't leave the marital home, you will regret it, and there'd be no way back. I do think that you should enlist the help of OH's Dad, as he is clearly on your side.

I don't now how you have managed to not tell OW's DH. Perhaps that's your trump card? "Leave by Saturday, or I'm telling him and showing him the photo's". That's what I would do.

Make sure he doesn't leave with a key. When he's gone, lock the doors and have lots of and You can do it!

Good luck

I do know someone whose dh had an affair (similar story, nasty piece of work, concealed it for years). The tension got so bad that she stayed with local friends for a bit but left dc's in their own house so that they were not disrupted. He then went for full custody and got it.

Definitely get proper advise about any negative consequences of leaving the house (especially with regard to custody) and make sure that you keep your ds with you so that you can't be painted in a bad light.

Quint & ILive - The solicitor did say that if either of us do leave the house, we cannot stop each other returning. If he leaves, I don't think he would return. As far as exercising right to stay until he is 18yrs, OH would have to keep paying what he already is for me to afford to stay, which isn't feasible.

Mship - Thank you - I will go with the text. As you say, it's not like I'm asking them for help, I'm giving them information which hopefully will result in their help. And the bit I'm going to hang onto is "you know that by Saturday night, wherever you are, he won't be there".

Thanks Chipp - I will keep that in mind.

Thanks again everyone. Seriously, my mind would just be blank if I didn't have you guiding me.

Zetetic - Thank you. I will never leave DS, he stays with me always... well until he grows up (sniff).

Stay strong Binders1, you're doing fantastically well although I know you probably don't feel like it right now. I'm rooting for you and thinking of you and your DS. I'm so inspired by your strength of character which shine through your posts. Stay strong, all will be well

There is some good advice about joint-ownership of house here:

Citizen's Advice - not married but jointly own house

It looks like getting your OH to leave has to be by agreement. Time to play your Ace card?

However, you wouldn't lose your right to assets if you move out with DS.

I agree with asking specific questions regarding the effect of leaving the home if it wasn't covered in the consult. I think 'in the long run' you'd still get your share of the sale proceeds BUT;

1-if you stop paying your share of the mortgage because you've moved out, will that 'lowered contribution' be considered in the split?

2-Are you willing to 'subsidize' him in the house until it sells by continuing to pay your share of the mortgage so the split is 50/50 and/or the house isn't foreclosed?

3-is he likely to put obstacles in the way of showing the house thereby being able to stay there longer

4-is he likely to do the cleaning and upkeep needed to keep the house attractive to buyers

5-what IS the resale market in your area? You need to get an agent(s) in for at least 3 valuations for comparisons. You can do that without actually listing it.

BFF left her marital home and it ended up in foreclosure because of # 2-4 above and she got nothing whilst her scumbag ex had a 'free' place to live for a year (that's how long it took to foreclose). She didn't have a free place to go and couldn't pay rent + mortgage to keep the house afloat. It was listed but he'd refuse to vacate for showings and let the upkeep go to hell, the place looked like a tip.

Across makes a good point, Binder - a friend of mine split from his DP years ago and is still in the house they jointly own on an interest free mortgage. It's been 'up for sale' all that time but never a sniff of a buyer because he doesn't want to sell it which is immediately apparent as soon as you pull up outside. He isn't malicious but just can't be arsed moving out because it would cost him more to live anywhere else and the arrangement suits him and she lives elsewhere in Europe so has let it drag on apart from the occasional mither by email about how they really need to get it sorted.

Anyway love, you're amazing.

Thank you for the link sadwidow - I will look at that.

Gosh you've raised so many good points AcrossthePond. Solicitor recommended I continue to pay. Obstacles - I don't think so - of course there is always the option of him buying me out.

Cleaning - He is fairly tidy but I would want to check, may be agree a time to visit before a viewing as I am allowed to return to the house. I guess my other thought is that the house is not 'sale ready' so we need to agree/sort out what we are going to do about that.

Houses where we live sell really fast, so once it's up for sale I don't envisage 'subsidising' him for very long - only the 'chain' of whose buying I suppose could cause delays.

What happened to your friend is awful. STBXP (is that how you say it? Sounds good to me!) wouldn't cause a situation for disclosure, he's is too savvy and would want to maximise every penny.

Too savvy, maximise every penny, never wanted to make a will or provisions for us in death - hence I know I will ONLY receive exactly what I am entitled to legally and not a penny more!

And.. I can live with that, will have to live with that so long as I am left to move on.

You're assuming though that he will agree that the house needs to be sold yet so far he hasn't actually acknowledged that you have any reason to end the relationship. Don't rely on him to suddenly start seeing sense!

What happens if he refuses to agree to sell the house and stays put? Does anyone know what binders could do in these circumstances?