Just found out his friend isn't just a friend!

[binders1]

Hi, first time starting a thread so a bit nervous tbh but will try to be brief. Over the years, we have gone out for dinner/lunch maybe once/twice a year with OH’s long term female friend from college days and her DP. Sometimes he meets her by himself. I have no problems with this… until now.

I’ve never warmed to this ‘friend’ but her DH is lovely. Call it woman’s intuition, I always find the occasions a bit…weird. She always has to sit next to OH, she pretty much only speaks to OH even ignoring her DH and if OH goes to the bar, she has to follow him. I spoke to OH about her behaviour and said I found it all a bit inappropriate and embarrassing, particularly for her DH and he said I was being ridiculous. I told him I even looked under the table at one point to see if she was playing footsie with him! I asked if he had ever been out with her and he laughed and said no! I told him it just doesn’t feel right.

The other day I was in the loft and came across a bag of letters etc belonging to OH and he has kept loads of handwritten notes and photo’s of old girlfriends. Then I found several photo’s of a woman in provocative poses and some topless. On one, she is about 18 yrs, another where she looks is in her 20’s and one probably in her 30’s and I saw love letters from when they were younger. The face although ages, is undeniably the face of this woman.

So she's someone OH has been sleeping with on and off for decades and I can’t believe I have been going out and having dinner with her and they sit across from each other with their little secret! I am annoyed he hasn't been honest with me from the beginning that she is an ex and I have no wish to continue having our little unenjoyable get-togethers! AIBU? Sorry, that wasn't brief was it.

whitsername

is it possible you were having a very vivid dream

I wondered that too from the original post where even Binder wasn't sure. But then she posted later to say that she was sure that he had come into the bedroom.

Never before this episode has Binders felt fear or aggression from her OH so it doesn't compute that she would go to sleep expecting an escalation. Yes, her OH called her a liar in front of the PIL, and he had flashed his eyes to say "don't you dare tell them", but to have the OH come into the bedroom, lean over and call her a "f*ing evil bitch" is not stored in her brain as an escalation dynamic. Binder went to bed believing that she had achieved something by telling the PILs together - and FIL supported keeping DS safe and unaffected as far as possible.

The vivid dreams of grief usually centre on happiness and loss. That is why, when the person previously loved enters the dream, there are physical tears of joy (often enough to wet the pillow). Those sort of dreams bring a gladness, expectation and hope. Then the bereaved one wakes up happy - and suddenly remembers that she is alone and the grief journey (and the daily routine) has to faced again.

Tell your solicitor about what he did in the night, ask them to log that you've told them and ask what they advise. Don't say you 'think' he did, if you are sure in your mind that you weren't dreaming, then he did it. He will try to confuse you, so get it logged. All these small pieces add up to the bigger picture.

I'd either put a wedge or a 'TempLock' on the handle. As far as a wedge being pushed out, if you put one down and he pushes it out to gain entry into your bedroom, then unfortunately I think it's probably time to vacate for your own safety.

I think you also at this time need to scour your bedroom for personal papers, notes, diary, valuables, precious mementos, etc because you can be sure he will search your room at some point and will copy and/or remove things. Anything you don't want him to see/take should be taken to your sister's. Don't overlook anything no matter how trivial. You may think "Oh he wouldn't bother with this dumb old dried flower/wine cork/scrap with a quotation on it". Rest assured, if he thinks it will hurt you, he will.

Sadwidow - thank you so much for a post which not only was very emotional but one which will be invaluable when I see the solicitor tonight. I have cut and pasted the legal bits to help me.

I will secure the bedroom door tonight but the point about having access if DS needs to come in is really important - thanks for that. I also agree 8yrs is not too young, he loves sleeping in the big bed!

Whisernam - In total honesty I believe 100% it wasn't a dream and I think I wouldn't have sent the text if I didn't really think so and of course if I hadn't been so stupid. I was just trying to find possible excuses for his behaviour. He was also too calm in his response. If he hadn't done it, I absolutely wouldn't have heard the last from him like a dog with a bone. His silence speaks volumes.

Thank you binder army for all your advice and thoughts and we will keep safe.

I'm ready.....

Best of luck, love. The Army is all with you.

You could ask the solicitor if you could audio record the session just so hat you don't miss anything

De lurking to wish you well tonight! Remember if you don't "click" with this solicitor, try another one, you're under no obligation to retain them if you don't feel they're truly in your corner.

Whatlifestyle - good idea - thanks. That would really help to be able to listen again to what has been said if they will let me record it.

TheMship - I can can't I. Or even go and get another free half hour with another solicitor with a good reputation. Thanks. I don't have to worry that tonight is my one and only chance.

Will log bedroom incident and good advice on personal things - I should have thought of that myself. In my ex relationship, my ex not only went through all my things and found a way to listen to my mobile voicemails before me, as well as following my car, he even got a key copied to the office where I work and went through my drawers during out of office hours.

He admitted all this to me later and HE was the one cheating - NOT ME. He even hired a private investigator to follow me one weekend he was away but turned out the guy was a hoax and he lost his money and never heard from him again! Anyway, that's a different story!

God don't I pick em! 24 years of my life spent on cheats!

You realize that while your life is going through the emotional equivalent of a hurricane, the OW's life is probably trundling along nicely.
No shit storms going on in her life.

This is why you must, 100% tell her husband

Why should your life be disrupted and her's carry on as normal, when she was largely (along with your OH) instrumental in wrecking your relationship?

Tell him. But do it in a dignified, calm, cool and collected manner.
Don't let her get off scot-free.

I disagree that the OW is getting away scot free at present. She must be absolutely bricking it that this will get back to her DH, not to mention the fact that Mr Tosspot will be reporting back to her that Binders has turned into an "evil fucking bitch". Her life right now will be fucking awful, and deservedly so.

I think you should tell her DH, but if you can use the threat to get Mr Tosspot out of the house then personally I would wait.

If I were the OW (I wouldn't be, I have morals) I'd be a massive anxious mess right now.

Binders, I hope your free half hour goes ok. You can go to plenty during the process, so this certainly isn't your only chance to get some advice.

Him "do you want a takeaway?"
Binders" yes, please take yourself away"

They get through an awful lot in half an hour, binders, they really crack through. Glad you have your sister with you.

Look, I emptied the emojie account about fil and I still think that was a very surprising, and very welcome, response. He covered each base, focusing on dgs. Yy he roped you both in together with sorting out a good conclusion for dgs - galling when you are not the one being obstructive - but as others are saying this was completely off the cuff in the shocked moment.

I don't think skanky OW mooching along happily when binders is in turmoil is the point - there's her husband and children to think of. Yy if it was just her then let her have it, both barrels.

I'd still hold off on telling the OW's DH. Ask the solicitor the ramifications of using it to get your stbx out of the house. Make sure the sol knows you aren't doing it to screw him out of his 'fair share' or whatever, you just want him out until things get settled.

If he says it doesn't constitute blackmail or unfair coercion, use it to the max to get him out*. If the solicitor says that it's not a wise thing to use it to get him to leave and it may come back to bite you, then I'd probably let her DH know right away . He deserves to know. What he chooses to do, or not do, with the information is up to him.

*then tell him anyway.

Alison

Delurking to say well done op, you are a truly lovely person! Good luck tonight.

Binders, I am just coming on to wish you all the best, keep putting yourself and your little boy first. I hope you get some good advice tonight.

You are being so very strong.

One thing I would suggest is making sure you don't put anything on this site until it's done, in case ex-OH/PIL or OW happens to find it at some point and is forewarned.

You would not want to give anything away before doing it.

Just err on side of caution.

Honesty is the best policy and works in your favor.

Not only is it the truth but lies become hard to maintain and your ex will not be able to keep up with his.

Good to locking your door.

Be sure to tell all friends the honest truth too, before he spins or OW spins sob stories.

If mutual friends tell OW DH- tough tits.

Keep photos and other evidences out of the house and somewhere safe.

Think on telling DS, i think someone once said on a thread that they told their DC that 'Daddy had upset and hurt mum too many times and so they had to live apart.'

People can tell you better but that poster put it very carefully yet made it clear there was no room for her exOH to manipulate and say it was her breaking up the family.

You don't want him manipulating DS.

Binders, I hope you know every one of us is on this rollercoaster with you, we're hurting with you in your low moments and cheering you on with every step you take towards the best outcome there can be for you and DS. There's bound to come a point, when you've done everything you can practically do for the time being, when you will crash, don't forget we'll be there then too, your army is always right behind you

Alisonwunderland You made me LOL and I frightened the dog!

Binder

God don't I pick em! 24 years of my life spent on cheats!

I want to remind you that your last 8 years produced a funny, loving, charming, intelligent, caring, independent little boy - and that cannot be negated.

^^

sadwidow28 and Alisonwunderland (lol)

OP, none of this is a 'default' on your part! You have trusted in 2 men that have turned out to be twats!

Sadwidow28 is right, in so much as you have darling son out of this, and he is someone that deserves to be taught a better future (from you) than he would of had from his father.

I hope tonight went well - + an extra 1 to your army

Hope your half hour appointment went well this afternoon OP.
More power to you.

Just read the whole thread and feel slightly sick.

binders you are absolutely amazing. You are holding it together so well. What dignity.

hellkitty I think we need another picture please of the Rottweiler attacking LP ("little prick").

Nana - do you knowingly invite round your husband's lover of 14 years for lasagne?!!!

With regards to your son, I wouldn't tell him about the OW. Just keep it as the absolute basic "mummy and daddy love you very much and love being your parents, but we don't want to live together anymore". Leave the reason out completely as far as you possibly can. He still is 50% his dad and any nasty comments about the dad or exposure of his shortcomings will hurt him. You don't want him to feel he has to pick sides.

How was the solicitor? Was he/she someone you felt would be helpful in your situation?

Your Stbxp is in a flat spin of panic at the moment. The leaning over your bed whispering actually made my blood run cold. His dad told him to move out - has he not done that yet? Could your sister give him a helping hand? I want to kick his bollocks up his throat for what he has done and I've never clapped eyes on the little wanker.

How did it go binders? X

It's great that you've got so much support from people that have been in your position, Binders.

How lucky to have your own army in such a difficult time. X

IguanaTail the last line of your post just made me spit tea everywhere, you have a lovely turn of phrase