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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Just found out his friend isn't just a friend!

999 replies

binders1 · 06/10/2015 15:44

Hi, first time starting a thread so a bit nervous tbh but will try to be brief. Over the years, we have gone out for dinner/lunch maybe once/twice a year with OH’s long term female friend from college days and her DP. Sometimes he meets her by himself. I have no problems with this… until now.

I’ve never warmed to this ‘friend’ but her DH is lovely. Call it woman’s intuition, I always find the occasions a bit…weird. She always has to sit next to OH, she pretty much only speaks to OH even ignoring her DH and if OH goes to the bar, she has to follow him. I spoke to OH about her behaviour and said I found it all a bit inappropriate and embarrassing, particularly for her DH and he said I was being ridiculous. I told him I even looked under the table at one point to see if she was playing footsie with him! I asked if he had ever been out with her and he laughed and said no! I told him it just doesn’t feel right.

The other day I was in the loft and came across a bag of letters etc belonging to OH and he has kept loads of handwritten notes and photo’s of old girlfriends. Then I found several photo’s of a woman in provocative poses and some topless. On one, she is about 18 yrs, another where she looks is in her 20’s and one probably in her 30’s and I saw love letters from when they were younger. The face although ages, is undeniably the face of this woman.

So she's someone OH has been sleeping with on and off for decades and I can’t believe I have been going out and having dinner with her and they sit across from each other with their little secret! I am annoyed he hasn't been honest with me from the beginning that she is an ex and I have no wish to continue having our little unenjoyable get-togethers! AIBU? Sorry, that wasn't brief was it.

OP posts:
Thread gallery
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RavioliOnToast · 14/10/2015 12:52

I've been thinking about you all morning binders! What a strong inspirational person you are. I'm so sorry this has happened to you, your STBEX is a douche face. You are amazing! Your DS is lucky to have you

Ohfourfoxache · 14/10/2015 12:55

Sweetheart you're going to have good days and bad days. Days where you can take on the world, have the energy to fight, when you feel like a lioness with a never ending well of strength. Other days, not so much.

But do you know what? Even on the not so good days, remember that you can bloody well do this. You have an inner strength, an inner dignity, an inner goddess that WILL get through this. And will get through this well. And you're going to be happy and safe and secure and this cunt will never treat you the way he has done again.

YOU have done NOTHING wrong. YOU are the chuffing marvellous one, and he's a pathetic little weed who still has delusions of control.

Just please, for the love of God, stay safe. He has lost control of you and you don't know how he is going to act now xx

RedMapleLeaf · 14/10/2015 12:58

You're not having the bad day alone though Flowers

RollingRollingRolling · 14/10/2015 12:59

He's flipping between trying to act normal to mess with your head and convince you to stay, then realising you are strong and he can't break you he is getting angry and lashing out. Expect him to go between the 2 more often

mum2mum99 · 14/10/2015 13:01

He will be grieving the relationship too and a phase of this is also anger. Hard not to let it affect you. I know mumsnet is a great support but counselling can also help during this tough time.
Plenty of self compassion! I wish I had used mumsnet at the time of my marriage breakup, the wealth of opinion is amazing. You name a mistake, I made it! Flowers to you!

MoriartyIsMyAngel · 14/10/2015 13:03

Yes... well, remember you were 'ridiculous' when you asked him if anything was going on with the OW. I wouldn't worry about any of his judgements!

I'm guessing his parents talked tactics with him, and he was going to try to butter you up over a takeaway tonight. Calling you mental is a fantastic start...

Has he actually once said the words "I'm sorry"? From what you've said here it seems like he thinks he did nothing wrong at all, and now you are the 'evil bitch' for not being deliriously happy that he finally deigned to stop fucking her. What he's done to you over 14 years is horrendous. Does he show any sign at all of understanding that?

loveyoutothemoon · 14/10/2015 13:06

You need him out of the house. Maybe reconsider giving him the ultimatum, if you don't move out I'll tell OW DH? I don't think he's going to leave.

hellsbellsmelons · 14/10/2015 13:06

Oh bless you.
You are going to have bad days. In fact you will go through some really shitty days.
But... as shown by so many here, you will get through it and you will come out the other side.
You have shown such strength. Draw on that.

A saying I often post:
“And once the storm is over, you won’t remember how you made it through, how you managed to survive. You won’t even be sure, whether the storm is really over. But one thing is certain. When you come out of the storm, you won’t be the same person who walked in. That’s what this storm’s all about.”
? Haruki Murakami

Original poster
binders1 · 14/10/2015 13:10

You guys are making me laugh and cry. You should all be getting paid!

OP posts:
HellKitty · 14/10/2015 13:15

hellsbells - Haruki Murakami??? I really can't imagine how The Lion King is going to help in a time like this!

Keep your chin up Binders, fingers crossed he chokes on his prawn balls tonight.

hellsbellsmelons · 14/10/2015 13:19

LOL - He's a Japanese writer!!!

StayWithMe · 14/10/2015 13:20

You need to get some sort of recording device and be ready to record any conversations with you stbx as he actually sounds very nasty and you have no idea what he could say or do. He's already been gas lighting you in regards to his relationship with that trash he's been messing with so he will try to regain control of you. You're an amazing woman and you need to get things done now while you have the strength. Good luck OP.

tomatoplantproject · 14/10/2015 13:25

This is the worst bit. The utter pain and as others have said some days you are so strong and focussed and determined, fuelled by rage, and other days you feel flat and broken.

Other people here have given such amazing advice.

You need to make sure you keep eating and drinking to keep your strength up for your little one. I started eating a lot of ready meals and easy food with vitamin tablets to just stay healthy.

Thinking of you xx

Ohfourfoxache · 14/10/2015 13:31

HellKitty I've just guffawed! Grin

AcrossthePond55 · 14/10/2015 13:51

And so the gas lighting begins (or continues as it were). That would have scared the shit out of me, finding that arsehole bent over me! I probably would have grabbed the bedside lamp and clocked him before I'd had a chance to even think!

Obvs his parents did not talk any sense or compassion into him.

Since you have limited time, prepare a list of questions for tonight & either you or your sister have pad and pen to take notes. It's so easy to get side tracked or forget something important. Good idea to take Ms Rottie with you. A second set of ears is important when you have limited time and lots to ask about.

HellKitty · 14/10/2015 13:54

Agree with taking sis with you and being pre-armed. My divorce was my choice but I absolutely crumbled for no reason at my initial meeting. Didn't have any regrets or second thoughts at all, I just found it a bit overwhelming.

Cherrybakewells1 · 14/10/2015 14:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

bedelia · 14/10/2015 15:00

Glad to read you've been able to tell both your family and his about what's been going on binders. Well done for having the strength and composure Smile

I'm going to reiterate what others have said about keeping yourself safe and healthy. The wedge for the door is a brilliant idea - I wish someone had made that suggestion to me when I went through similar. It might be an best to ensure there is as little potential for contact between you both as possible until the finality of one of you moving away. As others have said, he will be feeling backed into a corner at the moment, wanting to lash out at someone rather than face the unbearable guilt of what he's brought upon himself. His suggestion for takeaway tonight makes me wonder if he's planning to "sit down and talk" with you under the guise of civility in the hopes of persuading you to stay together. Might be best to avoid it if you can. Could your sister pop over for a bit this evening?

Best of luck with the solicitors later!

sadwidow28 · 14/10/2015 15:08

Binders I understand that today is a sad day. That's okay. But put one foot in front of the other and lean on your Rottweiler of a sister for support tonight.

I don't think the meeting with the solicitor is over-complicated as you don't even have to think about divorce questions. It is about:

  • the equity in the house;
  • possibility of buying OH out rather than you and DS moving;
  • OH vacating the premises by weekend (mention him coming into bedroom)
  • child maintenance PLUS contribution to school uniform & trips, DS' hobbies;
  • division of savings accounts;
  • division of other assets (including furniture, artwork, household contents);
  • contact arrangements for DS;
  • restraining order if OH escalates his angry behaviour.

Ask Ms Rottweiller to take a pen and notebook so she can listen and note the advice. (I promise you, you won't remember what was said). She can then prompt any follow-up questions at the same time.

30 minutes isn't long so get yourselves prepared beforehand with your list.

Now, I agree with others who have said to log the bedroom visitation with the police via 101. Explain how unsafe that makes you feel and what steps you will take to prevent him accessing your bedroom.

Take note: a wedge can be pushed back from the outside with a knife under the door. (My late-DH and I supported my best friend when she was trying to get her alcoholic DH out of the house. He wouldn't move until he had his 50% but took the opportunity to violate her bedroom space most nights as it was 'theirs') My DH (a police inspector) said that only a lock gives total safety, and he went over and put a bolt on the bedroom door.

When I had an alcoholic brother living with me, I had to ask a friend to put a star-lock on my bedroom door. They are actually very 'neat' and don't destroy the aesthetics:

Star Locks

I personally would worry about DS getting access to you during the night once he is told (which must be soon as so many people now know). He may want to sleep in your big bed ...... and then he will be behind the star lock as well. I personally would do that sooner rather than later. At aged 8, your DS will not see it as 'babyish' to sleep with Mummy. I did weekend and holiday childcare for my DN from aged 6 yrs when his Daddy died and he only stopped slipping into my big bed in the middle of the night when he was 10 yrs old.

tiredvommachine · 14/10/2015 15:43

Yes, I agree a lock is the safest option but as I guessed, the gas lighting is already in full flow. He will have no idea about a wedge and I'm sure Binders would hear an attempt of her door being opened (guessing you're not sleeping totally peacefully at the moment) and could call him out on his bullshit and fit the lock.
Is totally her choice but thinking how id play it without having to talk to dickwad.
Oh and if you feel in any fear, don't call 101 please call 999
Don't disregard your gut feeling about your safety.
Call 999

ElizaPickford · 14/10/2015 16:28

Jesus, the stalking about in the night business is horribly creepy. He really needs to get the hell out of there asap. Hope all goes well at the solicitors tonight.

sadwidow28 · 14/10/2015 16:30

Just in case Binders or MsRottweiller don't understand what gas-lighting is:

Explanation of Gaslighting

BerylStreep · 14/10/2015 16:31

Sorry if this has been said already - I haven't had a chance to catch up on all the latest posts, but make sure you tell the solicitor tonight about what he did to you when you were in bed. In my book that would be sufficient for an ex parte non molestation and occupation order.

Good luck tonight.

Oh, and well done on dealing with his parents. That took real courage, and you showed such strength of character in staying calm.

whitsernam · 14/10/2015 16:33

Binders - I hate to bring this up, but is it possible you were having a very vivid dream when you saw him hovering over you? If so, he could have a field day with that, saying you are clearly mentally ill, quoting the email you sent. Please try to not email every thought that seems strong to you. With a Lock on the door, you'll soon find out if he's coming in at night, and then you call the police and talk to your lawyer. Don't give him anything he can potentially use against you.

You've been so strong so far, and you will be fine in the end, but please get that lock and don't communicate with him.

FredaMayor · 14/10/2015 16:42

Binders - well done. But can I second whitsernam and say that if you were to keep your thoughts and feelings to yourself from OH this will go better for you. You need justify nothing to OH. Manipulators love to use things said in the heat of the moment to throw back in your face when it suits them.