Just found out his friend isn't just a friend!

[binders1]

Hi, first time starting a thread so a bit nervous tbh but will try to be brief. Over the years, we have gone out for dinner/lunch maybe once/twice a year with OH’s long term female friend from college days and her DP. Sometimes he meets her by himself. I have no problems with this… until now.

I’ve never warmed to this ‘friend’ but her DH is lovely. Call it woman’s intuition, I always find the occasions a bit…weird. She always has to sit next to OH, she pretty much only speaks to OH even ignoring her DH and if OH goes to the bar, she has to follow him. I spoke to OH about her behaviour and said I found it all a bit inappropriate and embarrassing, particularly for her DH and he said I was being ridiculous. I told him I even looked under the table at one point to see if she was playing footsie with him! I asked if he had ever been out with her and he laughed and said no! I told him it just doesn’t feel right.

The other day I was in the loft and came across a bag of letters etc belonging to OH and he has kept loads of handwritten notes and photo’s of old girlfriends. Then I found several photo’s of a woman in provocative poses and some topless. On one, she is about 18 yrs, another where she looks is in her 20’s and one probably in her 30’s and I saw love letters from when they were younger. The face although ages, is undeniably the face of this woman.

So she's someone OH has been sleeping with on and off for decades and I can’t believe I have been going out and having dinner with her and they sit across from each other with their little secret! I am annoyed he hasn't been honest with me from the beginning that she is an ex and I have no wish to continue having our little unenjoyable get-togethers! AIBU? Sorry, that wasn't brief was it.

This guy is coming round from shock and is starting to react.

Get a lock today. If there is no downside (financially speaking) it might be an idea to move out for a bit.

Yes, definitely get a lock for the bedroom door. You could just get a sturdy bolt. Wouldn't take long to fix it.

Would your dsis be able to stay over at all? I can understand you not wanting to move out and disrupt ds, but if he did come in last night, then that's a worrying escalation.

I hope you manage to get some good legal advice. Once you know where you stand you'll be able to make a proper plan for the short term and long term.

Definitely get a lock for your bedroom today, that's really scary.

I also agree with pps that ow will say whatever she can to make it look like you're the one with the problem. She may have already told her husband some kind of story in anticipation for you telling him. I would keep those pictures safe, possibly at your sister's house? The other dh may want some kind of proof.

It's great your sister is going with you this evening. You're doing fantastically

Good on you Binders....that was well handled with the PIL and just everything in general actually!
I guess it would be nice if the PIL had sympathy for you but remember you don't need them to-you will be just fine without them-as long as they continue to be good grandparents to DS anything else is just a bonus.

If he did do that in the night it wouldn't be surprising-its amazing how when cornered people will blame everyone else but themselves and his life is unravelling in a very short space of time, (at his own hand).He's clearly losing the plot.Sorry OP.Stay strong you are doing amazingly well!

And yes get the lock.Or your sister to stay over.And if you feel frightened at all, get out of there double quick.

I'd be getting DS to sleep in the room with me binders, in case OH decided to take him and run off..... I'm not saying it would be a clever thing to do but people do strange and desperate things when they feel cornered, and he sounds very scared of losing DS.

With your in laws I would keep their focus on your son. Ultimately he is the most important person in all of this to you and to them so capitalise on that.

That's scary. And also shows how unwilling he is to take any responsibility for this.

Can you get one of those recording apps for your phone which will pick up speech in the room overnight?

Probably best if he moves out to his parents with regular contact with DS, asap so they can keep an eye on/support him whilst the house etc is sorted.

Failing that, off to your DS.

Get a door wedge to put under your door at night, its immediately effective and stops you having to field questions about why you're putting a lock on the door. It's your right to put locks anywhere you like but hopefully stops you having to get into a conversation with the douchebag.
Look after yourself

Massive well done binders for telling his parents. Instead of meeting up with friends you want to stay being your friends, send an email explaining what happened in short, that you are struggling at the moment and apologise for perhaps going awol for a while, but you would love support if needed.

Yes to getting a bolt for the bedroom door. He really thought he could talk you round and you'd live happily ever after sitting in the living room whilst once a week the OW comes round and goes upstairs to your bedroom for a few hours, then you all to out for dinner with her DH. He really thought that and he could keep controlling you, but you are a

Binders if he's had a personality transplant then I'm worried that you don't know what he's capable of.

Please, above absolutely everything else, keep you and Ds safe. My gut is telling me you're not safe where you are. Can you move in with your dsis now?

I certainly wouldn't advise moving before swing what your solicitor says.

I would also have your son in your room too if possible

YY to a wedge or your DS in the room. When I told my XH I had had enough, no affairs but he was EA, he'd creep outside my bedroom door in the early hours of the morning and whisper how he was going to anal rape me. Nice.

I had a chain on my door, thank fook.

OH has just text to ask if I fancied a Chinese take-away tonight?! (Do I want a takeaway?!) Not that we have been sharing meals anyway since this has all come about.

I said “Sorry, is this text actually meant for me? NO.. I don’t and by the way, don’t EVER come into my room at night, leaning over me whilst I am asleep calling me a f…..g evil bitch either otherwise, I won’t be giving you time to pack your bags, the Police will be coming to remove you themselves”. He told me he never did and that I clearly had mental health problems and needed professional help!

Sorry, I know I'm not supposed to engage him but I’ve been so angry that he did it (I know he did it) whilst I was in such a vulnerable position. Creeping around the house in the middle of the night in that state of mind whilst DS is in the house asleep. I've tried so hard to keep it all calm, civilised and dignified and controlled but I pressed send and then it was too late.

I think I will go with the door wedge idea tiredvommachine.

Good idea with the email to friends - Rolling. It's too exhausting explaining over and over again.

Dob on him to you sister, she will sort him out.

HellKitty - that is horrendous, don't know what I would do with someone like that. So sorry you had to go through that in your life.

Binders, what about the OW husband? Are you any nearer to telling him?

This is not a good day today.

Oh his was whisky fuelled, he'd deny it or call me mad if I mentioned it. He did however have to sign the huge list of his faults (including this) in the divorce so that's a kind of admission

I would call the police and lodge it as an incident. They won't do anything at this stage but having it logged is a good idea - it gives you a bit more leverage to get him out.

This is not a good day today.

Im really sorry about that.

Would you accept an un-mumsnetty hug?

(xxx)

Things will and do get better Binders, you're bound to get shit days when you don't think you can cope but the next day or the day after and you'll be invincible again. It really will be up and down in the early days.