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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Just found out his friend isn't just a friend!

999 replies

binders1 · 06/10/2015 15:44

Hi, first time starting a thread so a bit nervous tbh but will try to be brief. Over the years, we have gone out for dinner/lunch maybe once/twice a year with OH’s long term female friend from college days and her DP. Sometimes he meets her by himself. I have no problems with this… until now.

I’ve never warmed to this ‘friend’ but her DH is lovely. Call it woman’s intuition, I always find the occasions a bit…weird. She always has to sit next to OH, she pretty much only speaks to OH even ignoring her DH and if OH goes to the bar, she has to follow him. I spoke to OH about her behaviour and said I found it all a bit inappropriate and embarrassing, particularly for her DH and he said I was being ridiculous. I told him I even looked under the table at one point to see if she was playing footsie with him! I asked if he had ever been out with her and he laughed and said no! I told him it just doesn’t feel right.

The other day I was in the loft and came across a bag of letters etc belonging to OH and he has kept loads of handwritten notes and photo’s of old girlfriends. Then I found several photo’s of a woman in provocative poses and some topless. On one, she is about 18 yrs, another where she looks is in her 20’s and one probably in her 30’s and I saw love letters from when they were younger. The face although ages, is undeniably the face of this woman.

So she's someone OH has been sleeping with on and off for decades and I can’t believe I have been going out and having dinner with her and they sit across from each other with their little secret! I am annoyed he hasn't been honest with me from the beginning that she is an ex and I have no wish to continue having our little unenjoyable get-togethers! AIBU? Sorry, that wasn't brief was it.

OP posts:
Thread gallery
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Fontella · 14/10/2015 08:59

Cut the in laws some slack ffs.

They just found out their son has been shagging another woman for the past 14 years and beyond, completely out of the blue. Their regular Tuesday visit turns into a huge drama they weren't expecting. I think their reaction is pretty typical of what one might expect in such an explosive situation.

It's not about whose 'side' they are going to be on. They are obviously going to be there for their son .... but it doesn't mean that they have to like what he's done or take sides with him against the OP. The father's 'you stupid prick, what were you thinking comment' tells exactly what he thinks of his son's behaviour.

Seems to me that if they are taking sides with anyone, it is their grandson. That seems to be the father's primary concern at the moment and good for him.

They may not 'take OP's side' but that doesn't mean they will turn against her either. They sound like decent right-minded people to me.

pictish · 14/10/2015 09:03

I with bathtime as well. Don't rely on fil or mil remaining friendly.
He will be sitting there now, telling them how stupid he has been and how sorry he is, while minimising the whole thing as though it were nothing.
Once it sinks in that you are fully intent on processing a split and are not going to be persuaded to work it out, they may close ranks.

BathtimeFunkster · 14/10/2015 09:05

They may not 'take OP's side' but that doesn't mean they will turn against her either.

Doesn't mean they will, doesn't mean they won't. It's too early to say.

I just wouldn't be counting on the ongoing support of a man whose initial reaction was that the OP had a part to play in "sorting out" a mess made entirely by his son.

pictish · 14/10/2015 09:06

I may as well say my thoughts on this are from experience.
I hope yours is different. I do agree with Fontella that their reaction seems pretty normal. I'd like to think they'll come through.

Fontella · 14/10/2015 09:20

Everything that was said in that room was said by people in shock, anger and dismay. You can't dissect every word spoken as some kind of indicator of how anyone is going to behave in the future.

Their concern is for their grandson first and foremost. That doesn't mean they are going to side with OP against their son, but it doesn't mean either that they are going to turn against her, close ranks, become the OP's enemy.

As for expecting their 'ongoing support' ... I don't think the OP has their 'support' at the moment. What she has are two shocked and upset in-laws reeling from what they've been told, and in turn telling the OP and her partner, to deal with this in a way that causes minimum distress and upheaval to their grandson.

BathtimeFunkster · 14/10/2015 09:23

Well exactly.

Hence urging caution rather than "high five to the FIL".

I'm not criticising these people I know nothing about, I'm just saying listen to what he actually said, not what you want him to have said.

sadwidow28 · 14/10/2015 09:30

Well done Binder

That was exactly the right thing to do. At least the PILs have the truth and not some half-concocted, minimised version that your OH would have come up with. I understand the MILs reaction, she just wants things to be sorted so her life can go back to normal. Sadly, that isn't going to happen. Well done to your FIL.

It isn't a case of them taking sides at all. Your OH will always be their son and the mother-son bond is very strong. However, they are so right to focus on what is best for your DS. You two are the adults who have to make the decisions and limit the emotional damage that will inevitably follow the split.

Good luck with the solicitor's appointment tonight.

Thefitfatty · 14/10/2015 09:33

OP had a part to play in "sorting out" a mess made entirely by his son.

Well sadly she does. They both have to work out how things are going to work out, particularly concerning the OP's DS, from now on. It isn't her fault, but they are going to have to come to some kind of agreement. The GF was concerned with his GS and in my opinion, that's pretty respectable.

Fontella · 14/10/2015 09:34

I think posters were 'high five to the FIL' because he called his son a stupid prick, told him he needed to move out, and put the welfare of his grandson first.

Not because he had come down firmly on the side of OP and would be taking her side over his son in the future.

OP has her head screwed on as evidenced by every word she has written on this thread. She knows her in-laws better than any of us ... and everything she has written about them thus far indicates that they are decent right minded people. Let's all hope that is the case and that they remain fair and cordial in any future relationship they may have with the OP.

Sansoora · 14/10/2015 09:37

*I think posters were 'high five to the FIL' because he called his son a stupid prick, told him he needed to move out, and put the welfare of his grandson first.

Not because he had come down firmly on the side of OP and would be taking her side over his son in the future. *

Absolutely.

Notgrumpyjustquiet · 14/10/2015 09:37

Lookatyour I agree with you, I had no real idea what Nana was talking about despite her 'credentials' and I would hate to find myself before her hoping for advice.

RoseDog · 14/10/2015 09:42

I've been following this thread from the start and well done binders for your handling of this awful situation but I think someone will have to tell OW DH as too many people know now and will be speaking about it, I don't know who should tell him though!

Zetetic · 14/10/2015 09:47

binders Just wanted to say that your family and in laws are very lucky that you are dealing with this horrible situation so well. I hope that they appreciate what a Star you have been.

You have kept so calm. Maintaining a polite relationship with your ds's father and your in laws will really help your son adjust.

You definitely need to plan a treat with your amazing sister.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 14/10/2015 09:49

Well ideally his faithless wife should be the one to tell him!

But let's face it - she's going to have to tell him something soon, because Binder's OH now knows she's telling people, so he's going to tell OW and warn her that it's out in the open.

BathtimeFunkster · 14/10/2015 09:54

I think posters were 'high five to the FIL' because he called his son a stupid prick, told him he needed to move out, and put the welfare of his grandson first.

Not because he had come down firmly on the side of OP and would be taking her side over his son in the future.

Possibly. But given that the OP's last post ended with her hoping her ILs would be on her side, I thought it was worth cautioning against that.

This, after all, being her thread.

But nice squabbling with you. Hmm

Inertia · 14/10/2015 09:59

I suspect it'll be presented by OW as if Binders is some deranged jealous madwoman with a baseless vendetta.

I do think that OW's husband should be told, with the explanation that he has the right to know about it before the world at large . I'd probably also add that the photographic evidence will be lodged with your solicitor for safekeeping.

BathtimeFunkster · 14/10/2015 10:04

I'd probably also add that the photographic evidence will be lodged with your solicitor for safekeeping.

Far be it from me to urge caution, but be careful of overplaying the photographic evidence card.

Those photos just show that they sometimes took nudey pictures together, and the last one was before you got together and they got married, right?

You know about them sleeping together because he told you.

He is going to tell a very different story to everyone else he can get to listen.

You need to focus on his confession, not the pictures, as your evidence of what has been going on.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 14/10/2015 10:04

"I suspect it'll be presented by OW as if Binders is some deranged jealous madwoman with a baseless vendetta."

TBH, I suspect that will be the angle the OW takes, regardless of how her DH finds out :(. But yes, if he does question OP, there are the photos.

Fontella · 14/10/2015 10:06

I'm not 'squabbling' with anyone.

I'm offering an alternative viewpoint - which is what this forum is all about surely?

It would be as boring and pointless as fuck if everyone agreed with everyone else.

This is one OP who has her head screwed on more firmly than most, and will doubtless consider all viewpoints and take from them what she finds most useful.

Original poster
binders1 · 14/10/2015 10:10

Thanks everyone. Solicitors tonight, taking the Rottweiler with me for morale support and in case my mind goes blank or I hear/interpret something different to what was said and she can clarify. As it's free, I need to use the time wisely and get what I need from it.

Bathtime - as always I hear you loud and clear. The words I keep coming back to was when OH's father said "the pair of you".

There wasn't really any support or real sympathy for me and I get what you're all saying, it's their son and their where their loyalty will lie. All they were bothered about was their grandson which is fine and they made him more important than their son. I left NO details out because I didn't want to sugar coat it and for OH to then be able to manipulate the information and for me to have to tell them a bit more and a bit more to destroy his verbal diarrhoea. I know when I left - everything changed but still think I did the right thing and glad to see you are all telling me I did too.

There is just one thing I am really angry about at the moment. Last night, OH did come back and sometime in the middle of the night, I think he came into the bedroom and I was vaguely aware of him leaning over me but I was asleep and I am sure he whispered "fucking evil bitch" but I fell straight back to sleep. I'm beginning to wonder if I dreamt it but I don't think I did - may be misheard it - but don't think I did. It's like he's had a personality transplant, he would never speak to me like that ever. I want to punch him, if he thinks he can come in and do that - if he did - it's too hard to believe.

OP posts:
Inertia · 14/10/2015 10:16

Well don't punch him- whatever he's done, you can't assault him.

If he makes threats towards you, call the police.

It might be worth making notes about what's happened and where you want to go next, ready to take to the solicitor.

Chippednailvarnish · 14/10/2015 10:19

That's very worrying, you need to make sure this is logged and he is informed that he isn't to harass you...

CantAffordtoLive · 14/10/2015 10:22

A pp said earlier, be prepared for him to turn nasty and I agree. I feel concerned for you. Can you get a lock for your bedroom door?

Thefitfatty · 14/10/2015 10:24

His life is falling apart before his eyes, and he can't blame himself, so he has to blame you. Hugs binders1. :(

HellKitty · 14/10/2015 10:38

Scary shit. Please buy a lock for your bedroom door.