Just found out his friend isn't just a friend!

[binders1]

Hi, first time starting a thread so a bit nervous tbh but will try to be brief. Over the years, we have gone out for dinner/lunch maybe once/twice a year with OH’s long term female friend from college days and her DP. Sometimes he meets her by himself. I have no problems with this… until now.

I’ve never warmed to this ‘friend’ but her DH is lovely. Call it woman’s intuition, I always find the occasions a bit…weird. She always has to sit next to OH, she pretty much only speaks to OH even ignoring her DH and if OH goes to the bar, she has to follow him. I spoke to OH about her behaviour and said I found it all a bit inappropriate and embarrassing, particularly for her DH and he said I was being ridiculous. I told him I even looked under the table at one point to see if she was playing footsie with him! I asked if he had ever been out with her and he laughed and said no! I told him it just doesn’t feel right.

The other day I was in the loft and came across a bag of letters etc belonging to OH and he has kept loads of handwritten notes and photo’s of old girlfriends. Then I found several photo’s of a woman in provocative poses and some topless. On one, she is about 18 yrs, another where she looks is in her 20’s and one probably in her 30’s and I saw love letters from when they were younger. The face although ages, is undeniably the face of this woman.

So she's someone OH has been sleeping with on and off for decades and I can’t believe I have been going out and having dinner with her and they sit across from each other with their little secret! I am annoyed he hasn't been honest with me from the beginning that she is an ex and I have no wish to continue having our little unenjoyable get-togethers! AIBU? Sorry, that wasn't brief was it.

Wow, good job you went when you did, I think! I don't really blame his mum for her reaction, it's fairly normal (if disappointing) - but his Dad, top bloke! Glad you've got at least someone decent on your side in that half of the family, and hopefully your OH will listen to his father and move out.

Also it won't hurt that he started to abuse you in front of them - you staying calm will also give the lie to any future bad things he might accuse you of.

Bloody well done you!
(Still think you should steer well clear of OW's DH though)

Well done Binder

You know, sometimes it's amazing how strongly a good man (like OH's dad) will feel about infidelity. I'm sure most men at one time or another have had a chance to be unfaithful and I daresay most of them have walked away from it because of the love and respect they have for their wives/partners. So they think "If I could very easily choose to remain faithful there is absolutely no reason why you couldn't. Yet you chose to screw around, therefore you are a prick". God bless stand up men (i.e. real men) like OH's dad! Hopefully he'll pound talk some sense into his son and he won't be home tonight (or any other night). I think telling his parents may make him more likely to leave since he no longer has the excuse (in his head) of staying because of not wanting his parents to know.

Just remember, however, that they are his parents. Don't confide any plan you make or legal advice you've had in them. Although they appear to be 'on your side' as it were, when push comes to shove they may very well take his side or at the least, insist on remaining completely out and thus not necessarily a good source of support in dealing with their son. Keep the lines of communication open, but just be careful how much you actually communicate, iyswim.

Another hurdle jumped!

BTW, since they know this OW, are they the types to take it on themselves to either let her know what they think of her and/or tell her DH themselves?

Well done Binders, you are doing everything impeccably. You will soon be free of a tosspot and open for future happiness, either 9n your own if you wish or with someone who truly deserves you.

Wow. Just read whole thread.
His dad is spot on. He's a prick.

Do you think he will take dfs advice and move out?

Well done. You are amazing and deserved so much better.

I think his DF is the latest recruit to Binders army!
His mum will eventually get very very angry with him, I'm sure. So glad you told them!

You should write a manual on what to do/not do in this situation. You have taken everyone's advice and used it. You are one smart cookie!

Well done! Glad his father saw how awful he's been.

Fathers are awesome! My DB left his wife and my late DF almost cut him off totally, it took years for him to be able to talk to him again.

My admiration for you increases, OP.

Well done. :)

binders

Well played!

I would have so loved to have been a fly on the wall during that conversation...just to see the look on your STBEX's face.

Your P has got so used to taking you for a fool all these years he has forgotten the amazing woman he was first attracted to.

You may well crash. It will be a roller coaster over the next few months until you get over the shock.

Don't be surprised to want him back etc. It is all natural.

There is always someone here to hand hold and listen. Pretty much anytime given MNs global population.

You rock!

Well done binders it's good that you told them before he did. He would obviously have lied to them. However, don't expect his dad to be on your side, he loves his son and will support him even if he doesn't like what he's done.

binders I have no great words of wisdom but add me to your army. You're amazing. FWIW I do believe that some relationships can survive affairs and even come out stronger. However, an absolute minimum requirement is that the cheater feels genuine remorse which your OH clearly doesn't. And I can't imagine anyone with a shred of self respect forgiving someone for an affair which had been going on for their entire relationship. I agree that the adrenaline will begin to wear off soon and you're probably in for a bit of a bumpy ride but you will ride it out

Wow binders you're amazing!! Well done! And oh's dads response was brilliant! What do you think will be next off the list? You've come so so far and should be proud of yourself. Your son is so lucky to have a mum like you

Your P has got so used to taking you for a fool all these years he has forgotten the amazing woman he was first attracted to

Well said

binders it is so clear from his reaction that he was still working on the assumption that this could be swept under the carpet, well done for showing him you're not playing his game.

I would second the pp who said your ex is like a cornered animal now, please be careful because this is when he's likely to turn on you. His pleading for forgiveness will end and now all he has left is his belief that you're destroying his life (it won't occur to him to look closer to home if he wants to blame anyone and I bet he's not getting angry at OW either).

Be careful and be kind to yourself, you are likely to crash at some point and it's going to hurt. Reach out for help, you will get through this.

As for his parents' reactions, we'll I'd try not to judge his mother too harshly, women are conditioned to tolerate all sorts of fuckwittery, it's almost ingrained that we should forgive whilst being above reproach ourselves, it can be hard to step outside of that conditioning. I think you've found from your parents' reaction that crises like this elicit a panicked outpouring of literally every thought that goes through this. I suspect she was just verbalising her own processing and once she's come to terms with your choice I'm sure she'll be supportive, if ultimately remaining loyal to her own son. His dad though, wow! Mr Tosspot Senior is a star!

• this = their minds

Binders you are doing fantastically, you sound like a really strong woman. I'm so pleased that you have been able to feel bolstered by the support of fellow MNers.

On a bit of a side note, as someone with a senior role in the field of domestic abuse I'm really worried that nananina actually has or still does work with Women's Aid given the disgraceful disempowering comments she has made on this thread. Glad you've disregarded them Binders.

Be careful.

His Dad told him to move out temporarily, but also said that this was a problem you both need to sort out in the interests of your son.

I don't think he's on your side, and I don't think he will be a useful ally for long.

Hopefully long enough to get the cheating prick out of your house.

After you left the mother and son who think this is no big deal and you are overreacting will have got to work on him.

Hope you're feeling chipper this morning binder as much as you can given the circumstances. Is today the day of the solicitor's appointment? If I were you I wouldn't worry too much about the likelihood of any poxy future maintenance payments from your OH. You clearly have a very lucrative career ahead of you dispensing masterclasses in:

Keeping one's powder dry
Maintaining one's dignity
Focusing on the big stuff
Rallying the troops

You were the first person I thought about this morning and I think I've given myself RSI from doffing my cap to you.

[If it runs to a book deal, please please please commission HellKitty to provide the illustrations!]

I think Bath is right, your Fil isn't telling him to leave permanently... Hence I wondered if they knew about the photos, as that might sharpen their minds.
Hope you are seeing the lawyer today.