Just found out his friend isn't just a friend!

[binders1]

Hi, first time starting a thread so a bit nervous tbh but will try to be brief. Over the years, we have gone out for dinner/lunch maybe once/twice a year with OH’s long term female friend from college days and her DP. Sometimes he meets her by himself. I have no problems with this… until now.

I’ve never warmed to this ‘friend’ but her DH is lovely. Call it woman’s intuition, I always find the occasions a bit…weird. She always has to sit next to OH, she pretty much only speaks to OH even ignoring her DH and if OH goes to the bar, she has to follow him. I spoke to OH about her behaviour and said I found it all a bit inappropriate and embarrassing, particularly for her DH and he said I was being ridiculous. I told him I even looked under the table at one point to see if she was playing footsie with him! I asked if he had ever been out with her and he laughed and said no! I told him it just doesn’t feel right.

The other day I was in the loft and came across a bag of letters etc belonging to OH and he has kept loads of handwritten notes and photo’s of old girlfriends. Then I found several photo’s of a woman in provocative poses and some topless. On one, she is about 18 yrs, another where she looks is in her 20’s and one probably in her 30’s and I saw love letters from when they were younger. The face although ages, is undeniably the face of this woman.

So she's someone OH has been sleeping with on and off for decades and I can’t believe I have been going out and having dinner with her and they sit across from each other with their little secret! I am annoyed he hasn't been honest with me from the beginning that she is an ex and I have no wish to continue having our little unenjoyable get-togethers! AIBU? Sorry, that wasn't brief was it.

I've been following from the start and you have been brilliant, your sister sounds a lot like mine, absolutely fantastic. I agree tell people before he does, only if they're friends you want to keep. I lost lots of friends cause he got his made up side of the split out first. I realised if they believed I was like that then they weren't worth having as friends.
Rely on your sister and family, they sound great.
I think he thought he could talk you around as he obviously thinks he's some sort of prize catch. Prize idiot more like.
I've joined Binders army, we're all behind you xx

Worth keeping in mind, if/when you tell OW's DH, you might well find he already knows, or "knows without having any proof or it confirmed" even if she doesn't think he knows (hope that makes sense). You've known something was 'off' about their relationship for years, enough to question him about it, the OW's DH might well have also realised something has been going on. It also might well be that he's realised and made his peace with it, don't question your reaction if his is different.

OW's panic when it all came out would suggest her husband doesn't know.

Yes, and I would tell her dh about that as well. How she was very very upset and had wanted to come and speak to you.

I would tell him, he deserves to know.

Springydaffs - it would suggest the OW thinks her DH doesn't know, it doesn't mean he hasn't found out and just not confronted her. Just to warn the OP not to be side-swiped by finding out he already knew/had worked it out himself and not said anything to her.

Good luck telling your in-laws OP.

You should tell your DS soon, not only will he notice something is wrong but your ex is being so manipulative that he might try spinning the 'it's your mum's fault she's breaking up the family'.

Like he tried on you first.

Is there room for one more in the binder barracks?

I've got an 18 wheeler parked outside full of these to fling at Mr HC. The man is clearly bonkers.

Update - I've read a lot of posts advising the same thing which is pretty much tell as many people as you can and quickly. Lots have also said to speak to OH' s parents and prepared me for different responses.

I've now told OH' s parents! OH visits his parents on a Tuesday night straight after work and as he now knows my family knows I didn't want to risk him telling his parents his version tonight. So DS went to have tea with sister and to play with his cousin and I made my way to OH' s parents - I often pop in to drop off food etc so they wouldn't have been surprised to see me.

When I got there I went into the room and he was sat there, it was obvious nothing had been said. Bearing in mind he hadn't even spoken to me since last night, he just acted normal. It was really really hard to start it off, I nearly didn't but I just said "I think we need to tell your mum and dad what's happened. He gave me a look as if to say YOU DARE and I told them. Don't forget the OW is a long time friend of OH going back to college days - so they actually know her!

At first his mum was in denial and OH started saying I was lying and it wasnt like that.. I told them everything. I told them we were splitting up but that nothing would change in their relationship with DS and how much they were loved. I explained that I was not going to strip their son of everything and that I'm only entitled to 50% of any equity on the house and child maintenance. I told them that I had asked OH to leave and give me space until house was sold or he can buy me out but he wont leave. I said i would have no choice but for me and their grandson to move in with my sister in their spare bedroom and I didn't want to disrupt DS like that etc and why should he suffer.

OH lost control and started screaming abuse at me how he wouldn't let me take his son away from him. I stayed calm and said that no-one was going to stop him seeing his son. His mum started telling me that lots of relationships survive infidelity and come out stronger. Not 14 years of infidelity! And I thought this isn't going well.

Up to now his dad hadn't said a word then he just said "you stupid prick. What about that little boy? What on earth were you thinking? Well I'm telling you now he's going nowhere. If someone's got to move out, youre going to have to do it until you work out between you what it is you are going to do and you'd better do it right the pair of you for the sake of my grandson.

I told them I was so sorry it had come to this. Their hugs goodbye were nowhere near as warm as they used to be but I came out pleased I had decided to do it with them all in the same room. I came back home - don't know where OH is or if/what time he comes back, what he will say or do. I feel if I have his dad's support and as someone upthread said earlier, if I get them on side that might be all I need. I really really hope so.

Well done binders I think you did the right thing tonight.

Wow Binders, that was incredible!!

Well done
And well done your OH's Dad!

PS - was shaking more when I came out than when I went in and throughout.

I bet he is shitting himself that you are going to the OWs husband now.....

Bet he NEVER expected you to tell everyone at all, thought he would be able to talk you round.

Once the trust has gone, the love pretty quickly follows. And if there is no love left, then there is little point in having a relationship

And another well done for remaining calm

He accused you of lying!?!

What a despicable fucker he is!

I hope you said 'not 14 years of infidelity' to his mother, or words to that effect.

Well done, I don't know you but I'm so bloody proud!

Hell's bells binder you're bloody incredible!

Wow Binders - you're awesome. That must have taken some doing. His own dad calling him a prick is brilliant.

You are taking back the power he tried to steal from you :)

I feel in control. Honestly it's you guys, it's my binder army! Your support, your advice, your experience and encouragement and opinions. It is incredible that you give your time like this to help others. I have come so far in just over a week but it would have taken a lot lot longer in fact too long without you all. Can't thank you enough.

Know you probably don't feel like it atm but you are an incredibly strong woman Binders, what you did today took real courage and was absolutely the right thing to do. Just try to make sure your defences stay well up with OH, you are systematically stripping him of his power with every new step you take and blindsiding him at every turn, he must be absolutely shitting it by now and fear can make people reckless. I don't mean to sound negative, I'm cheering you on every step of the way and think you're doing all the right things just worried he must be feeling more and more backed into a corner (entirely of his own making obv) and cornered animals can be dangerous, just want you to be on your guard. You're doing so incredibly well I would hate to see him pull some shitty trick and knock you down. Bloody well done with his parents, he must have wanted the ground to open up and swallow him, your sister would have been so proud

Did you tell the inlaws about the photos?

You are one incredible lady, Binders. Bloody well done

Fwiw I think the next one on the list should probably be slut's ow's husband. He deserves to know x

Binders, what an amazing outcome! Who could have predicted that! Rah rah rah slime's dad!!

Girl, you did that. You went in there and did that. Bloody BRAVO

Hopefully the fact that his father is disgusted with him will add leverage to getting him out of the house.

Op I think you're running on adrenalin at the moment and once you've told everyone you need to, you may crash. Not saying that will happen, but you're being so strong right now, when you need to be, that you need to plan to take care of yourself very soon. Would you be able to plan a long weekend away, or a week somewhere with your sister and your son in the next few weeks or months? Just to give you something to 'look forward' to.