Just found out his friend isn't just a friend!

[binders1]

Hi, first time starting a thread so a bit nervous tbh but will try to be brief. Over the years, we have gone out for dinner/lunch maybe once/twice a year with OH’s long term female friend from college days and her DP. Sometimes he meets her by himself. I have no problems with this… until now.

I’ve never warmed to this ‘friend’ but her DH is lovely. Call it woman’s intuition, I always find the occasions a bit…weird. She always has to sit next to OH, she pretty much only speaks to OH even ignoring her DH and if OH goes to the bar, she has to follow him. I spoke to OH about her behaviour and said I found it all a bit inappropriate and embarrassing, particularly for her DH and he said I was being ridiculous. I told him I even looked under the table at one point to see if she was playing footsie with him! I asked if he had ever been out with her and he laughed and said no! I told him it just doesn’t feel right.

The other day I was in the loft and came across a bag of letters etc belonging to OH and he has kept loads of handwritten notes and photo’s of old girlfriends. Then I found several photo’s of a woman in provocative poses and some topless. On one, she is about 18 yrs, another where she looks is in her 20’s and one probably in her 30’s and I saw love letters from when they were younger. The face although ages, is undeniably the face of this woman.

So she's someone OH has been sleeping with on and off for decades and I can’t believe I have been going out and having dinner with her and they sit across from each other with their little secret! I am annoyed he hasn't been honest with me from the beginning that she is an ex and I have no wish to continue having our little unenjoyable get-togethers! AIBU? Sorry, that wasn't brief was it.

Yes, I agree, it's a race to in-laws and any mutual friends you want to hold on to. It's sad, but true.

The fact that your sister told him that he had never known the meaning of father, family or partner suggests there has been a lot more in the past which you have been conditioned to accept as normal.

Fingers crossed for your appt tomorrow.

There's a great quote I saw recently, but I can't upload the picture. It says:

'A good sister will wipe your tears away, a great sister will run over the asshole who caused them.'

Your sister sounds great.

I hadn't seen this thread since it was moved and I've just read all of the updates. Binders, I am furious on your behalf! This man is a spineless, simpering arsehole who doesn't deserve to be pissed on if he were on fire.

Your sister sounds amazing though, I'm glad you have RL support.

Have you heard from him today yet Binders?

He's been full of it up until now .... so letting himself in and then getting up and going quietly to work this morning without trying to speak to you - perhaps he's lost for words for once after the confrontation with your sister?

Has he texted or tried to call you?

I've been following this thread for awhile, and just have to say well done binders! You're handling this very well. You should be very proud of yourself. :) (and your sister is awesome).

What berylstreep just said "The fact that your sister told him that he had never known the meaning of father, family or partner suggests there has been a lot more in the past which you have been conditioned to accept as normal.

If you ever doubt yourself, take 5 mins out and ponder on this statement. Or ask your sister what she's seen in the past that you haven't. Other people's reactions are quite telling, sometimes.

Beryl, I love that quote, I will tell sister that. I bought her a plaque last Christmas which says "Sisters make the best friends" which she loves. She balances the rest of the family really well - parents panickers/worryers and sister is the rotweiller and I'm somewhere inbetween.

No, I haven't heard anything yet thefitfatty (loving these names) and it's slightly worrying that it's the calm before the storm because I know he won't be happy but it needed to be done. Can't be in limbo on in a stalemate position, need to move things on quickly.

Sorry Fontella - no text or contact.

I'm sure he's still in total denial of the fact that it's over. To bad you can't just take a sledgehammer of realization to his head. I really hope he doesn't go full fledged asshole...wait he is an asshole already...full fledged raving lunatic burning everything in his path on you.

,,

I think the thing about using the threat of telling the OW's husband as leverage to get him out of the house could backfire - suppose he leaves on that condition, then you tell the husband and your ex turns up wanting to move back in? You won't have a leg to stand on keeping him out of the house anyway, and he will probably be angry that you have given him a tiny taste of his own medicine lied to him about your intentions which will make it hard to keep things civil for your son's sake.

I would ask him to leave because it's the decent thing to do, and because it will mean additional and unnecessary upheaval for your son if he doesn't.

Tbh, if he isn't happy, tough shit. He's the one that caused this, any and all unhappiness is his fault.

I don't think decency enters into this man's head, so no point in trying to appeal to any such sense he might have. The way he has minimised and justified his appalling behaviour is nothing short of delusional. He is now showing signs of fear because he knows you will carry out the threat of informing OW's DH and that is one thing he can't control. You now have control, so plan your moves carefully.

I agree with the others, get to your in laws before he tells them a made up crock of shit.

I would ask him to leave because it's the decent thing to do, and because it will mean additional and unnecessary upheaval for your son if he doesn't

Yeah right, what makes you think he's decent? He'd have left by now and understood and tak n ownership of the pain he's caused if he was. He'd have put the OP and family first and his first thoughts wouldn't have been to protect the OW

Jog on tosspot..hilarious.Go Go Binders' sister!!

Your sister sounds great and very much like my sister - and I'm the same way if anyone upsets her!

You sound really strong binders. Is it tomorrow you have your appointment for legal advice?

I hope to god he's going to see sense and move out, but I'm glad you have a backup plan with your sister if not.

Just to say that if you can get him out of the house, I don't think he can just move back in. My friend went through similar and her solicitor said she had a right to a private life and in moving out, he does give up some of his rights to just move back in. Of course you have to get him out in the first place.

I would get legal advice, and if it turns out what my friends solicitor said is true, I'd promise him the earth to get him out, then hit him with a court order preventing re entry.

You told your exP that you would tell OW's DH if he hadn't left by Sunday - he is testing you. He's hoping you are just angry, it's just words, but then you'll calm down if he just holds on and at that point, you'll find a way to patch things up.

Telling your parents and sister is a start, he wasn't expecting that, because it's still just a private problem.

I think you should tell OW's DH for a selection of reasons, it being the right thing to do, that his whole marriage is based on a lie and he should know, his DCs might not be his DCs.... but also because right now, it's still "containable" - it's still in the stage where it's not all out in the open and you start fixing your new life, with him or not. Quite frankly, for your own sake, you should tell OW's DH. Get it done so there's no hope left for exP and OW that things can go back to how they were if they just hold on and find a way to talk you round.

He's staying in the house, he's carrying on like nothings happened. He doesn't get what's happened, because right now it's contained.

Blow it wide open, tell OW's DH, tell exP's parents if you are close to them. Get it over and done with.

I'm so relieved you've told people.

Cheaters rely on you being too scared to speak out. They tell you you're overreacting and abnormal. The only way to see those reactions is to be honest with those around you.

I'm guessing your dsis didn't think you were overreacting? :o I'm guessing your parents don't think you should play handmaiden to the almighty penis of your XP?

I'm so glad you're surrounded by people in real life who have your best interests at heart.

Anytime he tells you you're splitting up the family, just respond with, "isn't it funny how the only two people who think you're not responsible for destroying our relationship, are you and OW? And isn't it funny how those two people are the only two with a vested interest in seeing screwing about as normal? Because I'm sure if you'd just found out I'd been sleeping with my ex for our entire relationship, you'd be leaping to convince me that my actions were normal. You cockwomble."

You're doing great. Keep leaning on your family. Get people told. put your needs and ds's needs first.

I agree it's a game of 'who gets to whom first'. For whatever reason it seems that friends/family believe whoever gets to them first and if it's the 'guilty party' then it's an uphill battle to convince them of the truth.

Do you think there's any chance that once you've told his parents, they'd help you convince him that it would only be right for him to leave, or at the very least that he needs to give you some 'breathing space' and stay with them 'for awhile'?

I absolutely love your sister! Sounds as if she made a bit of an impression on 'Mr Jog On Tosspot'.

I really would move quickly binders. Telling relevant ppl that is. Your dread at the quiet is probably well-founded - you already know how entitled he is (to the point he genuinely thinks it's OK to keep a slapper on the go throughout his 14y relationship), how he bends reality to suit himself.

I don't want to give you the wibbles but take a leaf from rottweiler sister's book and start telling it like it is - before he does (with a steaming pile of pure shite story).

Oh god I didn't think of that! Does the bitch have children? Can open, worms EVERYWHERE! Your wanker partner could be father to her dc if she has! You need to talk to her poor DH. He has to know. These two are getting my blood up on your and her DH behalf! rage face.

I think one thing with telling people as soon as you can, is that they feel they are a friend worth telling about it before it is generally known not through gossip. They can then feel free to be supportive.

Of course, there are friends who are friends either way and they are the best.

Notasinglefuckwasgiven Binders said earlier that the OW has 2 small children and it has already been pointed out to her that there is a possibility that her OH could be the DF. (Of course nobody knows the dates/timing of the coupling acts during the past 14 yrs, but it IS a possibility that OW DH would have to be made aware of at some point.)

The parentage of the OWs 2 DCs could affect Binder because of child maintenance calculations for her own DS. The whole thing is just so messy!

Nothing more helpful to add but boy you're a fecking trooper, Binders.

And what a spectacular muppet he is. What. A. Dick.

Just seen your post of 01.25 on Monday, and I'm sorry that you found my contribution unhelpful. It was aimed rather at other posters on this thread, some of whom are being unnecessarily melodramatic and advising actions (e.g. throwing his stuff out in binliners, changing the locks, telling the OW's DH) which would be ill-advised, undignified and counter-productive. Let me say immediately that I understand exactly how you feel: I was in a very similar position some years ago, and I winced to read I have a physical pain deep in my breast that won't go and there is nothing over the counter that I can take for it I remember that pain all too well - I went to my doctor thinking I might have an ulcer. All I can say is that the pain will go, your unutterable misery will lift and, before very long, you will find yourself in a much better place. When you get there, it will be nice to look back on these times and remember that you treated your DP with a mixture of dignity and contempt, but did not behave like a demented "wronged woman." Wish you all the best.