Just found out his friend isn't just a friend!

[binders1]

Hi, first time starting a thread so a bit nervous tbh but will try to be brief. Over the years, we have gone out for dinner/lunch maybe once/twice a year with OH’s long term female friend from college days and her DP. Sometimes he meets her by himself. I have no problems with this… until now.

I’ve never warmed to this ‘friend’ but her DH is lovely. Call it woman’s intuition, I always find the occasions a bit…weird. She always has to sit next to OH, she pretty much only speaks to OH even ignoring her DH and if OH goes to the bar, she has to follow him. I spoke to OH about her behaviour and said I found it all a bit inappropriate and embarrassing, particularly for her DH and he said I was being ridiculous. I told him I even looked under the table at one point to see if she was playing footsie with him! I asked if he had ever been out with her and he laughed and said no! I told him it just doesn’t feel right.

The other day I was in the loft and came across a bag of letters etc belonging to OH and he has kept loads of handwritten notes and photo’s of old girlfriends. Then I found several photo’s of a woman in provocative poses and some topless. On one, she is about 18 yrs, another where she looks is in her 20’s and one probably in her 30’s and I saw love letters from when they were younger. The face although ages, is undeniably the face of this woman.

So she's someone OH has been sleeping with on and off for decades and I can’t believe I have been going out and having dinner with her and they sit across from each other with their little secret! I am annoyed he hasn't been honest with me from the beginning that she is an ex and I have no wish to continue having our little unenjoyable get-togethers! AIBU? Sorry, that wasn't brief was it.

binders1 So glad to hear that your sister is the way she is! It's great you've got offline support as well as the Binder army :)

My STBXH wasn't a cheater (as far as I know!) but essentially very self-centred and his reaction was similar to your exP when I stood firm and meant business that there would be no reconciliation - blaming all but himself and showing little to no concern for me, "you're hurting the DC", yada yada yada. Your exP may well hit the roof when you start to tell people, but that's not for you to worry about - he brought this all on him himself!

Strength and power to you x

Binders you've done amazingly well. Your son is lucky to have such a strong parent.
You've been given fantastic advice here. Such a lovely bunch of vipers! All I would add is that do not tell him you're telling his parents. Do not give him the chance to weasel his own story in first where most likely you will be portrayed as the "bad guy". Also, I would tell OW's husband sponer rather than later, if that was me in his position I'd like to know . He deserves the truth & to allow him to get STI check etc & deal with their relationship.
You are doing so so well.

Beryl - I need to find all that out and am going to call IR tomorrow to see what it is available - anything will help. I am obviously not going to be able to buy another house but should be able to rent something small.

I also either want money from OH to help furnish a rented house or take furniture from my own house. I've requested a mortgage statement to see what's still owing on the house and then once the house gets valued, I can get a ball park figure of what we will be splitting 50/50 once it's sold or if OH wants/can buy me out.

I am going to a free half our appointment on Wed night to get an idea but I've read so much on it already it's more to validate what I already know and see if there is something I have missed and then I will take it from there as to whether I need to instruct a solicitor or not - I don't want to waste my small amount of savings.

OH's parents are lovely and wonderful grandparents to DS and I will be hurt if they turn against me. I will re-assure me that they will see DS as much as they always have and I wouldn't want it any other way.

Well done binders

The more support you have in RL the better.

x

Binders, everything you've said about how your mum and dad reacted is how any parent would have reacted. They sound really lovely, very supportive.

Re his parents. My experience was interesting. I'd never particularly got along with ex ils. They were sympathetic initially, then defended sbexh to me BUT I discovered years later that:

Ow2 was not allowed across their threshold until she had first baby to ex. Even then she was not made particularly welcome. It's now several years later and its still a fraught relationship.

He got a major bollocking off them the first time they saw him after the truth came out. Then another when telling them ow was pregnant.

He got another when it was revealed he wasn't paying maintenance (I think it was a combination of this and it almost at point of aoe which would have lead to trouble at work which started him paying)

Then another when it was revealed he was the one sitting on the divorce papers.

In addition when he first met ow parents (the situation was such that they knew he was married with a young child), her parents were furious with both of them! He was lucky to escape injury!

So if ex's parents don't seem OK with you don't assume they're being OK with him.

A word of warning offered with the kindest intentions here...
I hope your in laws are understanding, but please be prepared for them giving you the cold shoulder. Not because you have done anything wrong, but by the simple fact that they will be loyal to their son no matter what he does. Parents are.
They might try to persuade you to talk it through, seek counselling, see if you can get through this. They may well not support you in the split.

Good on you binders they wasted a perfectly good arsehole when they put teeth in your ex mans mouth

OTOH, they might think "what an arse!" and be lovely.

Do you have that solicitor's appt yet? That needs to be your next call.

I agree with letting people in your life know as calmly and plainly as possible. Your parent's reaction was pretty normal, I think, and probably not too far off your own gamut of emotions at first. But they'll calm down and be able to think clearly.

I think part of 'Mr HappyCock's' (Mr HC for short) not wanting to leave is not wanting to tell his parents the reason why or having to find an explanation for OW's husband, as since you are all are 'friends' I'm sure he'll learn of it and OW and Mr HC are going to have to give him SOME reason, no? He's dug himself quite a hole, hasn't he?

Anyway, as much as I'd be tempted to go in guns blazing, before I told his parents and OW's DH, I'd talk to a solicitor first to be sure what your legal rights are as far as the home. If neither of you will be able to buy out the other and assume the full running costs on your own then I'm not sure it matters if he leaves or you do. I assume that the house will have to be sold regardless. Unless he has income enough that his child maintenance would enable you to maintain the house. I know in divorce there is some type of 'order' that says the house gets sold when the youngest turns 18 and proceeds divided. Not sure if that applies for cohabiting couples with a child involved, but you should certainly ask the solicitor. What IS of immediate concern is being sure you get your 'fair share' and whether or not you'd have to continue to pay your share of the mortgage whilst he's still living there (if you leave) or vice versa.

If you think about it, Mr HC is probably smart enough to realize that some or all of his sordid affair is going to be public knowledge when the two of you actually do separate, regardless of who leaves the family home. I think he knows you are dead serious and he's just playing for time right now.

XP with you a bit, binders. That's what I get for doing two things at once!

Binders, your sister sounds FANTASTIC! Slightly scary but fantastic.

binders show your sister this thread....the binders army

Been reading this with my jaw on the floor, just thought I would add that I'm another who thinks you are so doing the right thing. Good luck x

I'm on your team Binders.

When my exH had an affair with the daughter of a mutual friend, I told all our acquaintances. I figured they were only going to talk about it anyway and might as well do it with the correct facts.
It felt liberating tbh. Initially I was ashamed that he had made such a fool of me, effectively ostracising me from our friendship group. But you know what, exposing him and his gf for their actions released the shackles of shame for me.
He immediately dumped the gf and got into a bit of a state crying and begging to come home. But it wasn't me he wanted. It was his home, a wife, family who loved and respected him, respect from our friends and neighbours, clean clothes, home cooked meals, a nice tidy house. He couldn't get that from his gf. It was seedy and grim.

Anyway. If you feel that letting her husband know would help, tell him. He might appreciate a heads up. I wish all our friends who knew my ex was having an affair had told me.

You are a very impressive woman, binders. More power to you.

You are managing amazingly Binders I hope your ex buggers off.

Well done Binders. You're doing amazing. This is all hard but once you get through all this bit and are settled somewhere just you and ds I think from reading about all the shit you've put up with from this man you will just get happier and happier day by day.

You sound so strong in your post binders you are doing so well!

You probably don't feel,it but you are doing great, take care of yourself and your son and bollocxs to him.

they will be loyal to their son no matter what he does. Parents are.

Not all parents! You never know how it's going to go. But, yes, don't assume they will be sensible, binders

Binders Wonder Woman

I would be telling his family as soon as possible. Once he knows that you have told yours he will probably try to get in first with damage limitation. Keep going, you're playing a blinder binders

Another sign up here for binders army. You are being very strong and,on the whole, getting excellent advice.

I do feel for you, I found out about xh affair with ow (his pa that he had remained in contact with for years...through 10'years of her marriage & 3 dcs) on a weekend away. Her lovely DH & my 25 year marriage wrecked in1 weekend when i rumbled them.

Be prepared for a complete rollercoaster of ups and downs....and agree with pp,so much grieving for what you thought you had and what could have been.

Stay strong Binders

I have just read the thread and my heart goes out to you. I'm 6 months post discovery and have been through the mill big time. I have had amazing support from my family and close friends, and it was such a relief telling them and not feeling quite so much on my own. They have stepped up and I have deeper relationships with them as a result.

I also have kept a good relationship with my inlaws. I know their first loyalty is to him, we have not spoken about the affair but I have had some very supportive words, and through my actions I have made sure they see dd.

I really feel for you - that white anger at the beginning and the utter debilitating grief of losing your present and your dreams of a future together. The difference between this grief and the grief of someone dying is knowing that it was caused by the actions of the one person who was supposed to love you above anything else. I'm still in the grief but it gets easier.

Thinking of you xx

Thank you EVERYONE for keeping me strong and focussed.

There is something I haven't asked. How do you tell your child/children that mum and dad are splitting up and are not going to all be living together anymore. What things did you say, what words did you use and how did they respond and adjust. My DS is 8.