Just found out his friend isn't just a friend!

[binders1]

Hi, first time starting a thread so a bit nervous tbh but will try to be brief. Over the years, we have gone out for dinner/lunch maybe once/twice a year with OH’s long term female friend from college days and her DP. Sometimes he meets her by himself. I have no problems with this… until now.

I’ve never warmed to this ‘friend’ but her DH is lovely. Call it woman’s intuition, I always find the occasions a bit…weird. She always has to sit next to OH, she pretty much only speaks to OH even ignoring her DH and if OH goes to the bar, she has to follow him. I spoke to OH about her behaviour and said I found it all a bit inappropriate and embarrassing, particularly for her DH and he said I was being ridiculous. I told him I even looked under the table at one point to see if she was playing footsie with him! I asked if he had ever been out with her and he laughed and said no! I told him it just doesn’t feel right.

The other day I was in the loft and came across a bag of letters etc belonging to OH and he has kept loads of handwritten notes and photo’s of old girlfriends. Then I found several photo’s of a woman in provocative poses and some topless. On one, she is about 18 yrs, another where she looks is in her 20’s and one probably in her 30’s and I saw love letters from when they were younger. The face although ages, is undeniably the face of this woman.

So she's someone OH has been sleeping with on and off for decades and I can’t believe I have been going out and having dinner with her and they sit across from each other with their little secret! I am annoyed he hasn't been honest with me from the beginning that she is an ex and I have no wish to continue having our little unenjoyable get-togethers! AIBU? Sorry, that wasn't brief was it.

Christ Binders, it just gets worse

You might find that other things pop into your memory, like a jigsaw falling into place, where he has been a shit over the years and where you normalised it at the time. His behaviour absolutely fucking stinks

Completely agree with ^ - tell people, spread the truth far and wide X

I hope your Mum and Dad are supportive Binders.
My parents were not good when I told them about stbexh and I and have since made a huge show about how they need to maintain a good relationship with him for the DC's sake (which I agree with) but have made little effort to support me at all (which has been devastating).

My advice would be to let them have time to have their reaction and try not to be hurt by it if they don't immediately come out on your side and support your decision, (of course its impossible not to be hurt by that but...)if they have had a good relationship with him they will be in shock and sometimes in that circumstance people don't say the right thing.Plus they are one step removed from it so won't feel the hurt of his behaviour quite as you have. after a few days they will hopefully process it and look after you and DS a bit-as what you need most right now is your family and good friends on your side.

Hopefully all that will be null and void as they will just be supportive of you immediately-but just in case....

Sorry Binders-this is nothing short of a very shit time for you.But you will get through this and come out happier in the end.

This creep who has carried on this deception behind your back for 14 years (and got away with it until now) thinks he's going to talk you round. That is so apparent from what you have written here. He is so cocksure of his powers of persuasion. He has minimised this affair in his mind to such an extent that he sees it as 'nothing' his OW sees it as 'nothing' and he expects you and everyone else to see it as 'nothing' and that will come to your senses eventually. He/she have absolutely no understanding of your reaction, nor the sense of betrayal you feel because they have a completely different moral code and emotional response to you, and to most of us.

In their minds they were entitled to have their intermittent shags. What harm was it doing? It didn't 'mean' anything.

Neither of them see this as a big deal and they likely never will, because they have compartmentalised it to such a great extent over such a long period of time. It's just something that they do, and feel entitled to do. The only way the enormity of it is going to hit them, is when they start to reap the consequences, and that is why you need to start telling friends and family that your partner of 14 years has been fucking someone else for the duration of your relationship. Tell them how he has lied to you, gaslighted you and tried to make out you are 'mad' and so on. I am sure that most right-minded people, on hearing your story, will be as appalled as all of us here are.

And her husband must be informed. How this is done is almost incidental but this 'lovely' man (as you describe him) has been betrayed in the same way as you have and he deserves to know. For him it may not be a dealbreaker. He may choose to deal with it in a different way to you. But he deserves to know, and sooner rather than later. At the moment he is the only one in this quartet who is being kept in ignorance, and that isn't right or fair.

Sending you lots of strength binders. I hope your parents are supportive. You are absolutely doing the right thing telling people as you will get support and he will know there is no going back.

Also, do get legal advice asap and tell her husband. He deserves to know too imho.

Your absolute strength and dignity has astounded me with every word you have said.

I totally agree you should tell her dh. He needs to know. And however hard it is you do need to tell friends and family before he does, before he minimises it, continues to blame you and spouts a pack of lies. You need the support.

You aren't breaking up the family, the responsibility for that lies firmly at his feet, despite the crap he's telling you. What an utter shit.

Hope it goes well with your parents.

"What I don't want to do is go in there and just a blubbering wreck and make them absolute panic and sick with worry (they will be like that anyway worrying about how we will cope and how it will effect DS but I know they will agree I need to get out)."

binders - please don't feel bad for me. I am now really happy with my DH! It all worked out OK in the end, and it will for you too. (Though the long term future is probably the last thing on your mind right now!!)

I mainly wanted to share my story to warn you off making the same mistake and to say that you ARE doing the right thing in telling people. And also to now add that you are not responsible for the 'worry' this will cause your folks - yes, it'll be a shock but they are grown up, they are big enough to handle it, they do not need to be 'protected' from this. Your sole concern right now should be looking after yourself and your child and building a real life Binder's Army to get you both through the months ahead. I hope you get the sympathy and help you deserve.

Hope it goes ok with your parents Binders

binders I've been lurking on this thread and following your story from the beginning. I'm so sorry this has happened to you and your DS. You're handling this with such dignity and composure, and I truly hope you do get the support in RL which you really will need over the coming weeks and months. My heart goes out to you.

I went through something similar with my ExH. Not one affair, but several, throughout the duration of our marriage. The denial, manipulation, minimising ("it meant nothing"), concern for the OW. All of that bears similarity. Most of all though, is the fact that he's decided to stay, that "he is all over the place from getting angry with me to telling me he loves me." Especially that you are exhausted.

I was truly hoping that for your sake, and your DS, that your OH would have had the dignity and compassion to leave of his own accord.

For me, the worst part of the whole experience was the aftermath. How my ExH dug his heels in and refused to leave, wouldn't leave me alone whenever we were in the house together; how he was telling anyone who would listen how I was breaking his heart by splitting our family up over what he had done (which, as I learned later, almost everyone already knew about).

Please, take care of yourself and your DS first and foremost binders. I'll echo what others have said in advising you to seek legal advice ASAP and start looking for somewhere else to live if your OH is still of the mindset that he won't leave. Stability for your DS is of course very important, but consider also the effect that seeing his parents in such a distressing situation will have if you all remain under the same roof for too long.

Sending virtual hugs your way binders. You're doing amazingly well!

Good luck with your parents Binder. Let them help you, just like you would do for your DS if he found himself in this terrible position.

You are being so strong.

I cannot believe your DP, his complete lack of respect for you in all of this, from the photos, the lies, telling you you're mad when you asked him, and his total refusal to even think he's done anything wrong since Disgraceful. The will thing is awful, the thinking you should just overlook this whole thing, the worry for OW! Fucking hell.

You will manage on your own.

Good luck with your parents Binder. Let them help you, just like you would do for your DS if he found himself in this terrible position.

You are being so strong.

I cannot believe your DP, his complete lack of respect for you in all of this, from the photos, the lies, telling you you're mad when you asked him, and his total refusal to even think he's done anything wrong since Disgraceful. The will thing is awful, the thinking you should just overlook this whole thing, the worry for OW! Fucking hell.

You will manage on your own.

Massive well done for deciding to go and see your parents. Anyone who loves you won't be worried about a front.

Hi binders, I have just rtft. You poor, poor thing. He has put you through a very refined form of torture. I was in love with someone who his his OW in plain sight before - as always had a hunch something wasn't right. A good friend of mine had her marriage end the same way. Oh, the pain...You are amazing and will find so much better than this twisted, controlling, narcissistic jerk. Agree with others that you deserve RL shoulders to cry on - no one who loves you will think this is your fault.

Hope your parents are supportive Binders- glad to see that you have decided to tell people the truth. Holly has already covered what I was going to say- this man is clearly not going to co-operate or be amicable over anything, and he has given you multiple examples of the ways in which he is willing to screw you over and refuse to support his child. I think it's really important that you get the truth out there now , to both families and to friends- that you are separating because of his longstanding affair with OW, but he is refusing to leave the house.

And I agree that you need to tell her husband, because he's going to find out about it anyway and it'll be more hurtful for him to be the last to know.

Just read this binders I'm so sorry. No advice that hasn't been given. Agree it's time to carry out your threat about telling this dirty cows husband ( she's a twisted fuck btw ) excuse language, I'm angry for you, so your stbx knows you are saying what you are saying because you MEAN it. Good luck. Let me at her, honestly I could give this woman her head in her hands to play with.

I admire your strength binders

No matter what shit he's going to start flinging at you, you can do this

binders I'm thinking of you. Stay strong.

All the best binders

Two down, the rest to go. I told them that I needed to tell them something - that me and OH were splitting up as he had been sleeping with another woman on and off for the whole time we have been together etc etc.

They went through all the emotions; shock, upset, anger. I told them how he won't leave. Mum was like just leave and you both come live here until you are sorted. Dad was like, you tell him you want the house, and he better give you enough money to live on and you want this, and you want that and you're entitled to savings and pension. I explained how when co-habiting even with a child, you're not entitled to any of that so then they went a bit off on one and kind of implied it was my fault I had co-habited for all these years and not been normal like everyone else!

Then.... they calmed down and dad was saying how he would never speak to OH again and then panic which I knew was coming. Telling me I couldn't afford to live by myself, how was I going to cope, what about poor DS. You know lots of really really helpful comments! I've just told them that I need to keep it as normal as possible for DS and that they MUST NOT discuss it in front of him or say anything bad about his dad in front of him. He may only be 8, but he is not stupid. He could have earphones on and it's amazing what he can still hear!

You're right Holly, I can't worry about mum and dad and their fears, I need their support but I need to focus on me and DS and only us. We are a really close family, I know they will be there for me no mater what.

I am telling my sister tonight as if we do have to leave, that is where we will be going. It will take everything to stop her going around to mine to cut off his balls (she's a mental case with a 5 amp fuse and takes no prisoners).

OH is going to be furious when I tell him I've told my family. Next, is telling his parents.

Let your sister at him, in fact if she has a temper like me then just give her the phone number of the OW and let her give it her with both barrels too..

Another one de-lurking to offer support, you really do have an army behind you Binders Telling family was always going to be hard but is absolutely the right thing to do. As for their response I think you just have to try to bring everyone back to what you need if they digress into their own feelings on the matter, remind them how utterly he has betrayed you and be clear with them what you need them to do to support you. You are the one who has been wronged and if you need to keep pointing that out to bring them back to what matters here (you and DS) then so be it, be sure to employ this with his parents in particular. I think you're still behaving with total dignity and you have my utmost respect for that, he is an utter cockwomble for what he has done, some people just don't know a good thing when they have it.

Jolly good for you, Binders and serves the stupid fucker right that you're telling people - does he really think you're going to brush it under the carpet??! So too bloody bad if he's furious, because, once again, it's all his own fucking fault.

I like the sound of your sister, although I wouldn't want to get on her wrong side!

Well done Binders, one step at a time

I'd point sister right in his direction actually! Sounds like she's just the type to sort the arse but good!

Agree with all previous advice re legal and telling people. My ex tried to twist what had happened but I'd told people first and made it clear I had evidence to back me up if they were in any doubt. Our neighbours and his colleagues already knew (which was humiliating).

holly sorry you went through that.

Your parents I suspect were reacting out of shock and concern for your financial welfare but your dad needs to put a sock in it now! Cohabiting isn't unusual now.

My ex is lucky he's only seen my mum in public since the split or I think she'd have laid him out!

I also think telling ow husband a good idea before she gets chance to twist it if possible. Feel sorry for him as if he leaves he loses out on possibly his own kids/kids he thought were his, and he's done nothing wrong poor bugger! But it will get out and would be a shame for him to be last to know.

Stay strong sounds like you and DS much better off without this dick anyway! My jaw hit the floor about his lack of provision in the event of his death. I agree he's not a man! He's a pathetic excuse for a human being!

"then panic which I knew was coming. Telling me I couldn't afford to live by myself, how was I going to cope, what about poor DS. You know lots of really really helpful comments!"

Bloody hell, very well done for riding that out! I don't know if I'd have been able to handle it from parents so early on - the fact that you have done so is an amazing tribute to your strength.

The worst thing about panic is it can be soooo contagious. One person's worry can really set you off when going through something so massive. Yet when you move through it, you find you CAN manage, you CAN do it by yourself, there are ALWAYS solutions. (Sometimes it's just about finding a different way of thinking about it). Practice moving through it to a positive place does help, but I am a bit in awe that you can do this right now! Wow!

I like the sound of your sister. I'd be tempted to give her a pair of rusty scissors and the front door key...

Would it be an idea to get on to tax credits / child maintenance people as soon as possible? I don't know much about it, but I have a feeling they will backdate any payments to the date you made the claim.

You are doing really well. Have you got an appointment with a solicitor yet?

You might need to be prepared for his parents reacting negatively towards you when you tell them. But if you put it across as wanting to keep lines of communication open so that they can still maintain a good relationship with your DS they may take it better.