Just found out his friend isn't just a friend!

[binders1]

Hi, first time starting a thread so a bit nervous tbh but will try to be brief. Over the years, we have gone out for dinner/lunch maybe once/twice a year with OH’s long term female friend from college days and her DP. Sometimes he meets her by himself. I have no problems with this… until now.

I’ve never warmed to this ‘friend’ but her DH is lovely. Call it woman’s intuition, I always find the occasions a bit…weird. She always has to sit next to OH, she pretty much only speaks to OH even ignoring her DH and if OH goes to the bar, she has to follow him. I spoke to OH about her behaviour and said I found it all a bit inappropriate and embarrassing, particularly for her DH and he said I was being ridiculous. I told him I even looked under the table at one point to see if she was playing footsie with him! I asked if he had ever been out with her and he laughed and said no! I told him it just doesn’t feel right.

The other day I was in the loft and came across a bag of letters etc belonging to OH and he has kept loads of handwritten notes and photo’s of old girlfriends. Then I found several photo’s of a woman in provocative poses and some topless. On one, she is about 18 yrs, another where she looks is in her 20’s and one probably in her 30’s and I saw love letters from when they were younger. The face although ages, is undeniably the face of this woman.

So she's someone OH has been sleeping with on and off for decades and I can’t believe I have been going out and having dinner with her and they sit across from each other with their little secret! I am annoyed he hasn't been honest with me from the beginning that she is an ex and I have no wish to continue having our little unenjoyable get-togethers! AIBU? Sorry, that wasn't brief was it.

I agree with others that you have one thing here that might give you some leverage. Tell him that you want him out by x time and date or you are telling her husband. That's it.

If he doesn't go, show him you mean business by following through and telling her dh. If he still refuses to move out you might have to consider leaving with your ds. I know that's not what you want but for your own wellfare it is probably worth just getting out.

Make sure he doesn't know your mn name, or any of your passwords. You need to stay one step ahead of him now.

Oh Binders I was really hoping he'd do the decent thing.

I don't think you should waste energy trying to appeal to his better nature, I'm not sure such a thing exists. I agree, it's time to start using your leverage. He goes by the end of the week or you're telling her DH.

Regardless of how he behaves you need to start telling your friends and family the truth. You need support. Do you have some friends or family who could come over and provide support to get him out of the house? In your situation I'd get my family round to get him out. It sounds like he wouldn't make a fuss in front of others, he's banking on you keeping his filthy secret. Once it's out, he has nothing to lose and might go with some incouragement from people on your side.

Hi,I keep saying it - thank you. This morning I've had to read your posts a couple at a time and then leave it and come back because I'm trying to not let anyone see me cry as the next step is discussed.

Yours was particularly hard bathtime "he wouldn't have been fair to you in death". Just reading it in the cold light of day. I've never told anybody his views on that because I would be too ashamed. He would probably deny he would do that but I fully believe his view never changed but legally at least my son would be protected. Oh and I do expect more from someone and its just something else that makes this decision a little bit easier.

Toosassy- I will just be factual starting this morning with parents. By the end of the week parents and grandparents will know.

There's no other joint accounts or things where he can pass on debts so this will not be complicated. We both pay into a joint mortgage account.

Tell him that you want him out by x time and date or you are telling her husband. That's it.

No, that ship has sailed.

He had his chance to move out if he was ever going to be respectful and contrite.

Now you need to follow through on the threat. Start by telling your own friends and family that you are splitting and why.

Make it crystal clear to him that you are moving on regardless of him getting out of the house and that you will not be lying for him.

Go and see a lawyer ASAP about the house (don't tell him this) and, presuming you legal rightness an owner are not affected, move elsewhere for a bit.

"BathtimeFunkster Mon 12-Oct-15 07:48:43
Telling people the truth about your life so that they can support you isn't "mudslinging" and is is obnoxious to characterise it as such."

This. No one suggested any "mudslinging" - just tell people that you're splitting up, if people ask why it's due to his infidelity - that's the truth, no more, no less.

As for the concept that your OH wouldn't have written a Will to leave you his money in case you spent it on other family or a new man - what a fuckwit! What good is it to him once he's dead? It's not like you'd be doing anything illegal with it, and tbh, chances are you'd need it just to pay off debts and to live on with your DS!! Unfuckingbelievable. :(

I agree that he isn't going to do "the right thing". He has already tried to turn this around and manipulate you. The financial comment was very telling, no real man would do this to his child and partner. I'm glad you have decided to start telling people. At the moment it's his dirty little secret, hopefully when others know he will change his tune. I would definitely be telling ow dh about the affair. Or getting her to own up, but make sure she actually does it. If he found out before you, I'm hoping he would tell you. It's unfair for him to be in his marriage without this information. We are all here for you. You have been strong, confidant, and it's so great to see a woman who knows her own self worth.

I've read this thread over the past few days and am so appalled for you, OP :(

I also agree that its time to start telling people. He seems to think that as long as you're still under the same roof its not real and will all blow over. Show him its not.

I left my ex over something not nearly as bad and he was the same as yours is being about it. So I told people we had split up and if they asked I told them why, what he had done. He was furious but it meant he had nowhere left to hide... It had happened, I had ended the relationship q of whether he agreed to leave or not.

Are you close to either of your parents, OP? They might be a good starting point?

*reardless of whether he had agreed to leave... Not sure how "regardless" got turned into "q"!

Totally agree. He's staying as its not real yet. When people know then it becomes real.

And Binders, he's coming across as even more of a cock than we all thought!

I made the mistake of not telling my friends and family that my exP was having an affair. I felt a misplaced sense of shame about it, as if I had been humiliated. I also worried about looking like I was airing private grievances.

Huge error. It meant that he 'got' to people first, and he didn't scruple to tell them a pack of lies about what had happened. Including all our old friends and my parents and sister, who then accused me of having an affair!! I ended up with absolutely zero support through one of the most difficult times of my life.

Worse still, it became like a kind of public gaslighting. When I tried to correct the accounts to what had actually happened, it simply looked like I was trying to cover my tracks. I lost a lot of friends and my relationship with my parents (already shaky) was badly damaged. When I tried to push back I was accused- quite publicly- of 'washing my dirty laundry in public' by people who don't even know me. It was absolute hell and made what was already an awful time very very much harder.

Please don't make the mistake I did - tell friends and family early, and build a real life support network to help you figure things out.

Agree with the majority- the fact that he hasn't gone or even prepared to go suggests he's not taking this/you seriously. I would tell everyone - no dramatics/no exaggeration just " dp and I are splitting because of his ongoing relationship with her- yes I've seen the photos".
I would also tell her dh. I imagine they have concocted a cover story by now and he might not listen but if you don't attempt it, it will suggest to your dp that you are not serious.

God holly that's awful

Yes - it needs to be real.

He has been balancing his fantasy world - the one where his real ongoing life with the OW comes and goes as need dictates, and the other where he appears to be the committed partner and father, but where he has not actually committed emotionally and sexually and financially.

Now it is broken and he wants to swap these over, and say that was the reality all along.

Tell your friends and relatives, tell the solicitor and tell the cms.

(ps, If he managed to swap them over, he would go back to the original asap)

Oh Holly that's terrible. Oh the oily fucking bastard eh?

OP I agree with the others. Calmly and clearly inform your nearest and dearest that OH has been duplicitous and unfaithful and that you can no longer remain married to him. What you choose to tell them from there on in is up to you, but do avoid gossip mongers where possible. Be the very embodiment of dignified righteousness.
Fake it till you make it and all that.

Fuck him btw - he's still trying to pin this on you...still insisting that you have done this, are doing this, are about to do this to 'our family'. He probably believes it too...he's that much of a donkey.

Good luck. Fucking hell. xx

Sorry I know you're not married...(his grand gesture made my eyes roll out of my head and along the floor) - I meant you can no longer remain in a relationship with him.

Binder, you are being amazingly strong and unselfish.

I know it doesn't feel like this today, but one day you might look back on this revelation as a blessing in disguise. Had you not found out these terrible things, you could have spent the rest of your life with a man who thinks he is always blameless, who lies to you, flaunts his OW under your nose like a sick joke, thinks its OK to sleep with exes, blames you for not putting up with it, and belittles you and your life together by not providing for you or the son you have together in his will.

To blame you for breaking up the family leaves me without a doubt that he is totally unscrupulous in every way possible. My jaw hit the floor when I read that bit.

Next steps- yes start telling family and living your life as if he has left. Do not engage unless your son is there. Tell family and start making steps towards a separate future. There's only so long he can bluff it out before the message is too loud for him to ignore. Get more people involved in RL as he is trying to bully you into doing things his way. The family's disgust with him might be the prompt that makes him go.

I'm sat outside my mum and dad's house trying to build confidence to go in and tell them. What I don't want to do is go in there and just a blubbering wreck and make them absolute panic and sick with worry (they will be like that anyway worrying about how we will cope and how it will effect DS but I know they will agree I need to get out).

Holly, I am so sorry that people in RL who should have been there for you weren't and you had to go through it in that way.

Deep breath....

Will let you know how it goes.

Just go in as you are. They love you. They don't need you to put on a face.

Agreed. You're going to feel so much better once it's out.

I agree with everything already said:

1. Legal advice ASAP

1. Tell friends & family to get a support network. 'We're splitting because I've discovered he has been having an affair for the entire length of our relationship. I only found out when I discovered the explicit photos he took of her in our house' or as pp said, simply, 'we are splitting due to his infidelity.'

1. Arrange to put house on the market ASAP (legal advice will guide you on this).

1. Disengage, which may have to involve you & DS moving to sisters, although again, be guided by legal advice.

1. I would consider telling OW DH, but you might get shot in the process. She has had too much time to put her side of things. No matter, your priority is you & your son.

Chin up.

Lots of love and strength to you binders - get the RL Binders' Army on board too, you'll be amazed at how people support you.

Oh binders - so glad you had a good weekend but am so sorry he's still there. I'm not surprised because he really thinks you're over-reacting and it's not real to him. He's still hoping he can carry on before if he digs his heels on.

I agree that you need to follow through on your threat of telling her DH if he doesn't go. Will he really care about that though? He's so self-absorbed, he may not give a toss either way.

I hope your parents are as supportive as your friends have been. And they won't care if you're a blubbering mess. Hope you get lots of hugs and comfort from them.