Just found out his friend isn't just a friend!

[binders1]

Hi, first time starting a thread so a bit nervous tbh but will try to be brief. Over the years, we have gone out for dinner/lunch maybe once/twice a year with OH’s long term female friend from college days and her DP. Sometimes he meets her by himself. I have no problems with this… until now.

I’ve never warmed to this ‘friend’ but her DH is lovely. Call it woman’s intuition, I always find the occasions a bit…weird. She always has to sit next to OH, she pretty much only speaks to OH even ignoring her DH and if OH goes to the bar, she has to follow him. I spoke to OH about her behaviour and said I found it all a bit inappropriate and embarrassing, particularly for her DH and he said I was being ridiculous. I told him I even looked under the table at one point to see if she was playing footsie with him! I asked if he had ever been out with her and he laughed and said no! I told him it just doesn’t feel right.

The other day I was in the loft and came across a bag of letters etc belonging to OH and he has kept loads of handwritten notes and photo’s of old girlfriends. Then I found several photo’s of a woman in provocative poses and some topless. On one, she is about 18 yrs, another where she looks is in her 20’s and one probably in her 30’s and I saw love letters from when they were younger. The face although ages, is undeniably the face of this woman.

So she's someone OH has been sleeping with on and off for decades and I can’t believe I have been going out and having dinner with her and they sit across from each other with their little secret! I am annoyed he hasn't been honest with me from the beginning that she is an ex and I have no wish to continue having our little unenjoyable get-togethers! AIBU? Sorry, that wasn't brief was it.

De-lurking just to say I have been really angry with this pair of fuckers. So much so that they featured in my dream last night. I don't remember the details...
Anyway, you're doing well, grief comes in various states and guises, I'm still grieving the loss of my marriage, not so much the loss of my actual husband but the loss of the dreams I had for the future. But, I would rather live in reality and not be lied to.

Sending you much support.

I can't believe the audacity of the pair of them

I hope you've found some joy whilst away binder?

Hi everyone. I just spent an hour writing a post and its not posted!!! So I'll try again.

Had a nice weekend with friend and kids in the circumstances but the kids enjoyed it. Just been catching on all the posts - thank you to everyone.

Hellkitty - thank you for another masterpiece now I have one of each!

Nana - I wasn't going to comment on your posts because I thought it had been more than adequately covered by everyone else but I did want to say that there are over 400 posts on this thread and EVERY single one has given me support and strength except yours. Yours actually upset me and I am not sure why you wanted to do that on top of everything else I am going through.

You advocate staying in a marriage or relationship with a cheat because loads of people cheat. Quote "nothing more nothing less it happens everyday" Thank god women don't have to stay in such relationships anymore. Thank God for the women who talk about a second husband or partner and how much happier they now are. I too was also surprised you are involved with WA with your choice of wording.

I responded to a previous post you made and explained I had gone down the forgiveness route with an ex and wasted another 3 years of my life before he cheated again. During that very dark time I remember driving very fast on a country road past midnight and thinking how easy it would be to crash into a tree to end the pain that wouldn't go. If I had mumsnet then and the support of these amazing people I would not have been in that situation. I wish I had you then also sadwidow - thank you for your post.

You then spent a paragraph nana on my housing rights which wasn't necessary. You also said the OP had no right for the OH to get out. The house will be put up for sale and the equity split or OH can buy me out but until this process is complete I CANNOT live in the same house as OH.. My priority is my DS and so far he has not heard one cross word or raised voice because of ME. I don't want his routine changed, or his life disrupted anymore than it has to. I want for him to live in the house he has only known, in his bedroom, in his own bed until this is sorted and there is no real reason why he can't. If our DS is also OH' s priority then he should agree and leave the house until such a time.

You then spent another paragraph on the welfare of the child. I thank you for your concern but nothing is more important to me than him. It is also important to me that he continues to have the best possible relationship with his father and his loving grandparents.

Silver - your post was also unhelpful. Quote "nobody has died or been seriously hurt" . I have not had experience of either of those things but this feels bad enough thanks. I have a physical pain deep in my breast that won't go and there is nothing over the counter that I can take for it. If I'm not feeling strong I am a mess. The best time is when I am asleep and I don't need to think, remember or feel.

You also said there were no grounds for OH leaving - I believe there very much is for the reasons given above, unless it's ok for him to cause me more hurt.

Green and Spring - thank you for your posts. I too have been wishing I was married this week because it is going to be a real struggle financially but I would only marry for love. On finances and attitudes, I had a will and life assurance in place to protect OH and DS in case anything happened to me because they are my FAMILY. When I asked OH one day if he had made any provisions for us especially as we weren't married, he answered "no. It would worry me leaving you money because I know what you are like, if a family member or friend needed financial help you would help them. Or if you met someone else you would spend money on them and I don't want my money spent like that". I was upset at his response because most men I know a want to look after their family. This is another indication that he never saw us this way. I told him I didn't want his money just make sure his son was covered. Funny how he now thinks marriage is the answer what would he do get me to sign a prenup?!

Sorry that was long - back to the present.

Got back tea time and HE IS STILL HERE. I can't believe it. He said he believes if he goes then that will be it, he won't get me back and I've had a few days already by myself. He said again how I will be breaking our family up and that it will be the biggest mistake of my life. When the conversation wasn't going his way he said if a person decides to leave a relationship then they should be the person who leaves the house and he agrees DS should not be disrupted and he should stay. He knows that's not going to happen in a million years. He is the one using DS as a weapon and I won't allow it.

I've come to bed. I have spent ages writing a long letter to OH talking about how much he has hurt me and I need him to give me space and if he cared about me at all he would. I've told him how much I want us to be good parents together etc and a bunch of other stuff. There is no talk of revenge or tone of anger and I've left it downstairs for him to read. I really hope he does the right thing and doesn't make things any harder than he needs to. At the moment he is all over the place from getting angry with me to telling me he loves me. I'm exhausted.

Going to try and get some sleep now.

Goodnight binder army x

Night binder

im delurking to say that I'm really proud of how you're handling the situation your despicable dick of an OH has caused. Keep it up, I can only imagine how difficult it is.

(Proud? My insomnia is making me sound crazy but I think you know what I mean )

You still have your trump card to play. Tell her husband. Show your partner you're serious by telling her husband.

And I wouldn't be writing any more letters either as its just giving him a way in, you're giving him reasons to start discussions.

Thank you Maria.

Sandsoora - ok I've gone downstairs and removed letter for now. He wouldn't have seen it until morning anyway. Any other views on letter welcome. I was thinking if letter gave him hope there was a chance I would give it another go he would leave. I don't think he believes me at all though.

Hello op.

Just remember, it's not you that's causing this. Not your actions "breaking up the family". It's his. And he needs to face that and take responsibility for it. He has no right to be angry with you. No fucking right at all. Can you tell he's made me cross op?

It seems to me that he's still believing his "it's not really cheating" bullshit.

Forgive me not rtft but have you told people in rl? Perhaps he might get it if he sees other people's reactions to what he's done. The wanker

Binders, you must never give hope there is a chance of things being rekindled further down the line in order to get someone to leave because all it does is get you a bigger headache a few weeks later. Its obvious your partner is going to go in for wearing you down, he's going to try and exhaust you with his antics so you'll eventually give in with weariness. If you really do mean to separate, you have to do it now. You have to show you mean business. You have to take control of the situation even if it means you moving to your sisters with your son for the time being.

And you must tell the husband - its another way for you to be able to move on. Take control of the situation. Take control of your own life back.

xxxx

Binders, you must never give hope there is a chance of things being rekindled further down the line in order to get someone to leave because all it does is get you a bigger headache a few weeks later. Its obvious your partner is going to go in for wearing you down, he's going to try and exhaust you with his antics so you'll eventually give in with weariness. If you really do mean to separate, you have to do it now. You have to show you mean business. You have to take control of the situation even if it means you moving to your sisters with your son for the time being.

And you must tell the husband - its another way for you to be able to move on. Take control of the situation. Take control of your own life back.

xxxx

Binders you are a legend for being so brave. I know you are desperate to get him out of the house and of he had any respect for you instead of being so self-centred he would leave if only to give you space to think.

I don't see why you and your son should have to leave.

Is it time to bring out the big guns? Is it worth telling his family - would that work? Would they persuade him to leave if only temporarily? If his parents care for their grandchild they can't possibly allow this to continue and maybe they can persuade him to move back with them.

Keep strong.

This is where the law sucks. If there has been no violence, or threats of it, then OP would struggle to get him removed via an Occupation Order.
I hope this stalemate resolves itself in your favour quickly OP.
Oh, and NanaNina, you're not a qualified lawyer. Get your cocoa and Mills & Boon and shuffle off will you?

He won't go because then it becomes public & people will want to know why. And it becomes real & he can't stop the break up happening.

Maybe start by telling your family so it's public anyway.

I know someone in her 90's. Her DH did this - and every year he went on holiday with the OW leaving her at home with their child. I suppose she had limited choices but fucking hell. OW caused a rumpus by turning up at his funeral as well.

Some men just never understand why they can't just have what they want, no matter who gets hurt.

Don't bother with the letter, and don't bother trying to appeal to his better nature (if you cared about me you would...) he doesn't care about you, not enough to back down over this, all his compassion is reserved for himself (and her apparently) and he thinks you should suck it up and get over it.
You need the broken record technique. No I won't forgive you. No I won't get over it. You need to leave. We are over. Repeat as necessary.
Good luck

Yes, time to go public/tell the husband. He thinks he can brazen it out/wear you down. Tell people and encourage them to come and visit you to support you. Watch as he hopefully skulks off/finds it increasingly difficult to 'carry on as normal' at home. You've done nothing wrong. He's the one who should be ashamed.

When I asked OH one day if he had made any provisions for us especially as we weren't married, he answered "no. It would worry me leaving you money because I know what you are like, if a family member or friend needed financial help you would help them. Or if you met someone else you would spend money on them and I don't want my money spent like that".

There aren't words to express how appalling this is.

He wouldn't even have been fair to you in death.

There is zero chance that a prick that self-centred and with so little care if love for you or sense of responsibility towards his son is going to be fair or decent now.

As far as I can see your only course of action now is to move out and tell everyone about how he cheated on you and refused to provide properly for his son.

Next time, please expect more than this wanker has ever given you.

OP.

Don't leave the house. Please, not before seeking legal advice as a minimum.
Equally, don't expect him to do 'the right thing'. The right thing would have been for him not to have his bit on the side the way he has done. Fully expect his concept of what is 'right' to be fully skewed from here on in. And that includes leaving your property.

He thinks by staying that he will wear you down/ win you over. As obsidian has said, you just have to keep repeating what you have said.

On a last note, someone else asked this as did I much earlier in your thread. Have you got any joint accounts with overdraft facilities? Is there anywhere he can run up costs and leave you liable??? Close them down.
Also, are there important valuables/ paperwork/ passports etc anywhere in that house. Remove them and put them with someone you trust.

Get a lawyer, tell everybody starting with the husband and disengage as much as you can. He's unfortunately going to be as difficult as possible...

Binders - I agree it's time to start telling people. I also agree there is no point in writing a letter for him to read - no harm in writing it, it's cathartic for you, but expecting any decent response from him - no chance.

He's not going to leave voluntarily, that's clear, because he still thinks you're the one in the wrong here - he still can't see that his behaviour has created this situation. This isn't going to change.

So, sad though it is, you are going to have to start making plans to leave the house. They may not come to anything, but given this sod's lack of care for you, his family or his son, it's as well to be prepared. Also, do NOT leave your son behind - he should go with you. You'll probably end up with 50:50 residency if you're determined to keep on good parental terms with the idiot, so your DS will still have his home/bedroom/stuff (Until the house needs to be sold, that is) - but you will make another home/bedroom for him where you are, and he will be ok with that. Perhaps if the idiot sees you looking for somewhere else to live, it will bring home the seriousness of this.

What he's relying on is it all being too difficult for you to move out, so that you will stay, he will stay, and you'll end up rolling over and things carrying on. He just doesn't get that what he's done is serious at all. He simply can't see what's changed - the only difference in his world is that you now know his sordid little secret, but aside of that, there is no difference - so why change anything?

Which is why you need to be proactive - go and see a solicitor, work out your best plan of action, start looking for alternative places to live, and tell your friends and family what's going on.

Do I think you should tell OW's DH? No, actually, I don't. Save that for later if necessary. But tell everyone else - your friends, your family, his family - it may get back to the DH anyway, but you won't be the messenger and therefore won't get shot.

Oh and OP I'll be a lone voice on this thread.

I wouldn't start mud slinging about him. I don't actually think it achieves much. I have very explicit evidence about what my STBXH did over recent years. No one with the exception of my lawyer knows what I know and no one ever will. All my focus is on getting a divorce and my energy is on getting to that point as quickly as I can.

Telling other people is just a waste of energy IMO. The people I love and care about know that something pretty big happened for me to file for divorce. Anyone who doesn't get that isn't my friend and just wants to feast on the juicy gossip over a few glasses of wine.

It'll be the same for you.

Does your DS know anything yet?

Telling people the truth about your life so that they can support you isn't "mudslinging" and is is obnoxious to characterise it as such.

Agree with bathtime. If she wants him out and I know I would, then it's time to get his family involved. If they are decent people they will knock sense into him and persuade him to leave.

If you think that they will take his side and persuade him to stay for the sale of the marriage I would still take my chances and tell them.

Ultimately he lied and betrayed you. Disrespected his son by treating his mother with such blatant disregard and he put your sexual health at risk. He is the lowest of the low. You get one chance at life - why waste it with a low life.

You need to do two things:
Get legal advice.
Tell everyone - start with your family and the biggest gossips you can find. And embarrassing as it might be, don't leave out the gory detail.

He sounds like a prize Twat, and you will be much better without him. (I cannot believe he wouldn't make a will in your and DS's favour.)

Bathtime.

Obnoxious?? Not at all, I'm sharing my opinion based on my personal experience and some breakups I have witnessed close hand. Someone of his personality type will view it as mudslinging. And he will retaliate with wherever version he has in his head (and he has a version that he is ready to pedal out given he blames the OP for her reaction). Then the OP hears what he is saying and it emotional energy gets sucked into 'I can't believe he said that'.

The people who have gotten through splits quickly and emotionally intact are the ones who have devoted their energy to getting out. My friends never had to explain what happened (unless they wanted to talk), but they had my unwavering support. I don't need the details to lend support.

It obnoxious to characterise someone telling the truth about harm that was done to them as "mudslinging".

Who cares how he responds?

She doesn't have to get drawn into that.

The fact that a person with a vested interest in her silence would characterise her speaking out as "mudslinging" does not make it valid or reasonable to call it that.

Binders I am pleased to hear that the weekend away was good for your DS and that it gave you some reprieve from the idiot that was your partner.

Perhaps it's time to re-enforce to him that he must leave (at least for now) or you will follow through and tell the OW's DH?

I know some posters say don't, but I think he will see it as if you don't do as you had threatened, then that gives him carte Blanche to do as he wishes and he's getting to call the shots.