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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Just found out his friend isn't just a friend!

999 replies

binders1 · 06/10/2015 15:44

Hi, first time starting a thread so a bit nervous tbh but will try to be brief. Over the years, we have gone out for dinner/lunch maybe once/twice a year with OH’s long term female friend from college days and her DP. Sometimes he meets her by himself. I have no problems with this… until now.

I’ve never warmed to this ‘friend’ but her DH is lovely. Call it woman’s intuition, I always find the occasions a bit…weird. She always has to sit next to OH, she pretty much only speaks to OH even ignoring her DH and if OH goes to the bar, she has to follow him. I spoke to OH about her behaviour and said I found it all a bit inappropriate and embarrassing, particularly for her DH and he said I was being ridiculous. I told him I even looked under the table at one point to see if she was playing footsie with him! I asked if he had ever been out with her and he laughed and said no! I told him it just doesn’t feel right.

The other day I was in the loft and came across a bag of letters etc belonging to OH and he has kept loads of handwritten notes and photo’s of old girlfriends. Then I found several photo’s of a woman in provocative poses and some topless. On one, she is about 18 yrs, another where she looks is in her 20’s and one probably in her 30’s and I saw love letters from when they were younger. The face although ages, is undeniably the face of this woman.

So she's someone OH has been sleeping with on and off for decades and I can’t believe I have been going out and having dinner with her and they sit across from each other with their little secret! I am annoyed he hasn't been honest with me from the beginning that she is an ex and I have no wish to continue having our little unenjoyable get-togethers! AIBU? Sorry, that wasn't brief was it.

OP posts:
Thread gallery
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PolishRemoverOfNail · 10/10/2015 11:10

Flowers for you Binders-. I hope you manage to have a nice time this weekend.

Offred gives such wonderful advice - I hope she keeps posting so please listen to her.

I've seen Nana give her original advice on a couple of adultery threads - very much along the lines of 'your other half has made a mistake, but that doesn't mean it has to be over'. Someone may want to take this advice but no need to insult other posters.

I have to say the idea of them getting married is slightly unusual - the length of their relationship would be taken into account even if they only had a short marriage but I can't imagine Binders being able to stand at the alter long enough without an argument!!

sodabreadjam · 10/10/2015 11:11

So Binder would have to pretend to her (D)P that all is forgiven, pretend to her friends and family and presumably sleep with her D(P) leading up to the wedding.

Can you imagine?!

Mermaidhair · 10/10/2015 11:56

It wasn't the best suggestion, or well thought through, but I think they meant it from a good place.

Mermaidhair · 10/10/2015 11:57

Binder I know you are away. I have read the thread and I feel so badly for you. I have had bad thoughts about what I would like to do to them both. Disgusting behaviour.

DartmoorDoughnut · 10/10/2015 12:05

Good luck OP

springydaffs · 10/10/2015 12:05

Bloody patronising posts about me personally - pack it in.

Fairenuff · 10/10/2015 12:23

Nothing more, nothing less. Happens every day I imagine.

Funny way to describe an affair. The only people who minimise like this are the cheaters so I guess that goes a long was to explain Nana's point of view. There's obviously a lot of projection in her posts which don't actually apply to the OP.

chicaguapa · 10/10/2015 12:37

Sorry if this point has already been made, but OP's H knew that their relationship would be over if he cheated as she had made that clear. OP has not retrospectively changed the conditions of their relationship.

He knew that his ongoing relationship with OW risked being found out and if so, the relationship with OP would automatically be over. It was his choice to take that path.

OP doesn't bear the responsibility for ending it because he cheated. She had always said that's what would happen in that instance.

lostinnormandieland · 10/10/2015 13:05

Patronising advice of Nana gets my hair rising on my back. Blame has traditionally been placed on women as not trying harder, giving a second chance, not forgiving when he has said 'sorry' and clearly still love her because he has proposed and wants her to find the truth! Shock
Well it gave brilliant results in my parents couple. I got the message that it was ok to stay with an abusive partner and ended up marrying a similar man. It was destroying me until I said stop. The abuse was minimal and my mum told me to try harder, change this, change that give him a second chance. It was nonetheless soul destroying.
Now I have to deal with the impact years of unhealthy marriage had on the kids.
Nana I would like you to understand that society always puts the blame on women. Cheating and abuse is probably not higher than it was. It is just that we are trying to tell or sons and daughters that we should not put up with it. Actions matter more than words. And no compromise is possible.
In Op's case the betrayal is huge and beyond repair. The best for her son is to end the relationship. And I am sure Op is mature enough to promote equal contact between her ex and son.
Drawing my hat to you OP. And if it feels too much we are still here for support.

AcrossthePond55 · 10/10/2015 14:51

I wouldn't marry him for all the tea in China! No way! And I doubt very much that it will improve binder's financial claims. But my advice to her would be that if you are considering this in any way you're nuts see a solicitor first!

binders hope you're having a peaceful weekend.

greener2 · 10/10/2015 15:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

shovetheholly · 10/10/2015 15:40

I am so, so sorry you are having to deal with such a colossal bastard. Flowers

You are being so strong, but it must be such an awful, awful shock. You are doing the right thing to get him out of your life.

I think once he realises what he's about to lose, you will get a lot of begging/pleading. Stay strong.

Baconyum · 10/10/2015 16:38

He's calling YOU cold? Wtf is what they did to you? Warm n fuzzy?! Arse! And yes agree HE'S the one who's done something to your son not you OP!

Considering he seems reluctant to tell his family I'd love to know what they're going to make of all this!

"Presumably someone paid for a hotel room then?" Well judging by the photos I suspect it's more likely they've been shagging at op's and ow's home as the pair of cunts have NO MORALS!

MN is amazing for support and blatant honesty!

Offred at 1335 Absolutely! He sounds narcissistic at best! And lynda at 1344 too.

Fucking hell 'yea we'll go away for the weekend and that'll wipe out FOURTEEN YEARS of betrayal, humiliation and them laughing up their sleeves at you and her husband.

Written before nanna came on to backpedal:

Nanna what planet are YOU on?! He's scum and no I've not cheated, lied or gaslighted anyone! If you don't want to be in a monogamous relationship either leave or agree an open one! I'm well aware from discussions with my grandparents and being educated on the reality that divorce was less likely in previous generations because women were discriminated against in divorce proceedings and stood to lose so much and because divorce was prohibitively expensive and carried a massive social stigma (again more for women than men). Plus more people married than cohabited. Many women stayed in very unhappy even dangerous relationships (and I don't mean just physical danger from violence) because of this kind of crap and here you are defending it and as far as I'm concerned victim blaming. Frankly IMO if you're not going to be supportive on this thread you shouldn't be posting!

The OP shouldn't HAVE to tell him to get out if he had any morals or sense of shame as a decent human being would he would have left voluntarily!

I'm even more shocked at what you've written in response it genuinely worries me that someone with your opinions is involved with women's aid!

Silver - not all of us recover and emotional hurt can be just as damaging and dangerous as physical!

Binders I hope your weekend away was ok and you're feeling ready to deal with this arse in the way he deserves.

Zetetic · 10/10/2015 17:32

This might be useful.

www.money.co.uk/guides/how-to-separate-your-finances-from-your-ex-partner.htm

Sorry you are going through such heartache. Flowers

sadwidow28 · 10/10/2015 20:01

I woke up this morning and for one fraction of a fraction of a second, life was normal and then I remembered, like hitting me with a sledgehammer.

Now I know you said this a few days ago, but I want to remind you of this feeling so that you are ready to face it head-on and know how to cope. (Others are advising on how to deal with a cheating partner - I have no experience of that.)

Now, what you described was GRIEF. However much the adrenaline is keeping you going through theses horrendous days as you break up a long-term relationship, it will eventually stop pumping through your body and then you crash. You may even find that you wake up and there are tears on your face and your pillow is wet. That is grief.

I will be with you to hold your hand when you get to that stage. (I have the t-shirt)

You will have to grieve for the loss of a relationship that brought you happiness today and dreams for tomorrow.

Flowers
Lacoba66 · 10/10/2015 20:13

sadwidow28 that is a beautiful post and I hope the OP see's it.

It is a form of grieve, and I'm sure/ hopeful that many people will be ready and available to support the OP.

springydaffs · 10/10/2015 20:26

Lovely post sadwidow Flowers

AuldAlliance · 10/10/2015 21:02

I think the pp who are suggesting that the OP should swallow her pride and accept that this is just what happens (shades of Jed Bush and his fatuous "stuff happens" comment after the Oregon campus shootings) are probably able to suggest that approach because, like the OH here, they have reset their moral compasses for whatever reason necessary in their circumstances.

Lots of shit happens in this world.

Doesn't mean we should sit back and accept it.

NotOneIota · 10/10/2015 21:32

Late to the thread Binders, but wanted to say I'm reporting for duty in the Binder Army. Flowers for you. Hope your weekend away has calmed you and raised your inner steel. He is an unbelievable bastard for doing this, and a delusional bastard if he thinks he can propose and sweep this under the carpet.

Gabilan · 10/10/2015 21:49

Lots of shit happens in this world. Doesn't mean we should sit back and accept it

Indeed. The argument that stuff happens every day is just bizarre. All sorts of things happen every day. Mundane things like supermarket shopping. Dreadful things like DV and, rarer but still daily, murder. The regularity and frequency of their occurrence has the sweet sum of fuck all to do with whether they're right or wrong.

I can appreciate that sometimes there is a pack mentality and that sometimes the pitchfork waving does the OP no favours. But sometimes it's not so much pack mentality as people just agreeing with each other.

And yes, I'm sure the OP can emerge from the other side of this stronger and happier. But that doesn't hide the fact that this is a massive betrayal on the part of her partner and utterly unforgiveable. It's not a mistake that a basically decent person has made. It is behaviour that shows that he isn't the person he pretended to be and that the person he really is, is so flawed that he just isn't worth the OP's time.

Ohfourfoxache · 10/10/2015 21:56

sadwidow you're lovely. Just lovely Thanks

Binders I'm thinking of you X

Baconyum · 10/10/2015 22:09

Star for sadwidow

Someone I know who is a widow and also has a lot of life experience and has seen a lot of her friends go through this said the same to me when I had trouble getting my head round why it had hit me so hard.

She said you're not grieving over losing him, you're grieving for the loss of the relationship and the future you believed you had and its been ripped away from you like a sudden bereavement.

Flowers and armour for binders when she's back.

AnnieKenney · 10/10/2015 22:29

She said you're not grieving over losing him, you're grieving for the loss of the relationship and the future you believed you had and its been ripped away from you like a sudden bereavement.

This is so true. I work with women at the end of their (shitty) relationships and 99 times out of 100 the grief has nothing to do with the other person or even the loss of the actual relationship - it's about the loss of what you wanted the relationship to be and the crushing of the future you had imagined for yourself. Doesn't make it any less hurtful. It's very painful to acknowledge you believed in a lie.

BathtimeFunkster · 11/10/2015 15:46

sadwidow (sniff) - how lovely you are.

What a great person to have on your army :)

springydaffs · 11/10/2015 21:25

How did it go binder? Has he gone?