Just found out his friend isn't just a friend!

[binders1]

Hi, first time starting a thread so a bit nervous tbh but will try to be brief. Over the years, we have gone out for dinner/lunch maybe once/twice a year with OH’s long term female friend from college days and her DP. Sometimes he meets her by himself. I have no problems with this… until now.

I’ve never warmed to this ‘friend’ but her DH is lovely. Call it woman’s intuition, I always find the occasions a bit…weird. She always has to sit next to OH, she pretty much only speaks to OH even ignoring her DH and if OH goes to the bar, she has to follow him. I spoke to OH about her behaviour and said I found it all a bit inappropriate and embarrassing, particularly for her DH and he said I was being ridiculous. I told him I even looked under the table at one point to see if she was playing footsie with him! I asked if he had ever been out with her and he laughed and said no! I told him it just doesn’t feel right.

The other day I was in the loft and came across a bag of letters etc belonging to OH and he has kept loads of handwritten notes and photo’s of old girlfriends. Then I found several photo’s of a woman in provocative poses and some topless. On one, she is about 18 yrs, another where she looks is in her 20’s and one probably in her 30’s and I saw love letters from when they were younger. The face although ages, is undeniably the face of this woman.

So she's someone OH has been sleeping with on and off for decades and I can’t believe I have been going out and having dinner with her and they sit across from each other with their little secret! I am annoyed he hasn't been honest with me from the beginning that she is an ex and I have no wish to continue having our little unenjoyable get-togethers! AIBU? Sorry, that wasn't brief was it.

There are no grounds for the OP to exclude DP from his own home (assuming he has a right to live there) (SilverBadger)

Oh I'd say that 14 years worth of cheating whilst encouraging your partner to maintain a friendship (of sorts) with your fuck buddy is a pretty good grounds for asking your partner to leave the home you both own. And I'd say that OP has been seriously hurt, emotionally. And that can be just as painful as a physical injury.

However, no-one has died. Or been seriously hurt.

On the contrary, SilverBadger, I'd imagine that the OP has been seriously hurt by the actions of her DP. It took me over 30 years to start to trust men again, after my 'dear' father shit on my family from a great height.

I do agree with you, however, with the OP retaining her dignity, and not taking revenge. But thinking about it can be so, so sweet.

Nana

Go back and read what you wrote. It bears no relation to your earlier post.

Have the grace to admit when you are wrong

Oh, and all your sympathy for the OP is negated by your repeated statement that 'it happens all the time'?

What relevance does that have to binders? Why even say it. To say it is to imply that it's no biggie and no-one should be getting upset.

What I take exception to in NanaNina's posts is the way she plumps all other posters on a thread into one homogenous group of 'otherness.'

For example, 'have you lot got nothing else to do on a Friday night' 'Are you all holier than thou?' (As an aetheist I find that particularly grinding). Rather gleefully wondering how many poster's OH are having secret affairs and quoting some 60% statistic. 'I wonder how many of you younger women are actually on planet earth?'

I think there has been some really startling insightful comments on this thread, Offred & Bath immediately spring to mind, but many many more too who have been able to identify the dynamic, and HelKitty for her art-work . Lots of supportive posts. Some ideas that in practice probably aren't a great idea e.g. sharing photos on Facebook, or on lamp-posts, and these have been respectfully pointed out that although lovely to fantasise about they aren't legal or appropriate.

The only person on the thread whose response would suggest that they don't recognise that the various posters who contribute to a thread are individuals who come from a diverse background of experience (personal & professional), values and views is NanaNina. I don't think there is vitriol towards her, but I can see why posters have felt the need to address her sweeping statements which lump all 'other' posters into a group.

And yes, as NanaNina has said, I am sure this type of thing happens every day. I'm not sure how useful that is to point out to the OP who has just had her world torn apart, other than to minimise the impact on her.

With the emotional intelligence NanaNina has displayed on this thread and the emotive language she uses I am really surprised to learn that she works for WA.

greener why would she marry him? He has demonstrated that he is unfaithful, deceitful, is prepared to humiliate her and has told her she was crazy when she asked what was going on. Even once found out, he has shown no remorse or concern for the OP, only the OW and himself. To marry him would only add to the expense and protractedness of a divorce. OP will already be entitled to have the assets split according to what they contributed and to have child maintenance paid.

Binders I've only just caught up with this. I'm so sorry you're going through this, what an utter shit he has been. What he has done is inconceivable and absolutely disgusting with complete disregard for you and your son.

You have handled this with such dignity, restraint and strength that I am genuinely in awe of you! I couldn't have kept my cool the way you have.

Gather all the important documents you need and seek legal advice as soon as you can. I would also tell her husband as he deserves to know and should get a paternity test done. You and him may want to talk to each other for support.

I would also be prepared for your partner to try every line and trick in the book. He will most likely try and make you believe you are to blame in some way. You absolutely are not. This is all on him. When you tell your and his families I would be frank about it and let him live with the shame.

Stay strong, do keep coming here for support, sometimes it's freeing to not have to talk about it in rl. It's great that you have got rl support too. Just remember you're amazing

It's something I thought of beryl - to marry him so she gets a better settlement. It would take balls of course - quickie in a registry office, in, out - and before the ink is dry...

He's played her so perhaps she could play him back to secure a better financial future for herself and her boy.

I'm sorry but marrying him is possibly the stupidest idea I have ever read in all my years on MN. Are you sure you didn't mean to log into Netmums by mistake?

OW could be bridesmaid?

I'm not an expert in family law, so I have no idea if op would be financially better off by marrying then going for a divorce. I can't imagine it would be a great idea either for her mental health or for their son though.

Talking of younger/older women - I am now 60 and just wish MN had been around 20 years ago when XH had an affair.

I knew very well in my heart that he only wanted a second chance because OW ditched him and at the time he was financially dependent on me. I had nobody in RL I felt I could talk to so I listened to all the arguments Nana outlined and stayed - for the children.

Eight years later (8 years of being blamed for his affair/unhappiness) when my self esteem reached rock bottom, he left anyway, the last year together was awful and I have never recovered. My children do not have partners and do not want families - what damage we must have done I daren't imagine! I haven't dated anyone since and doubt I ever will.

Binders - do what is best for YOU and give your children the example of an independent woman who won't stand for shabby treatment.

Her son wouldn't need to know about the registry office quickie. We're talking a piece of paper here.

Look, i'm not suggesting everyone could do it but sometimes we have to be canny when it comes to finances. It is far from a stupid idea from that perspective.

Springdaffs. It's a ridiculous idea. She'd have to wait a year to divorce and she'd have to consummate the marriage. It's beyond stupid.

It is not a smart idea.

If you trick someone into a registry office quickie and then immediately divorce them, what extra money do you think you are going to get?

The length of a marriage is taken into consideration in these matters.

wannaBe made a good point earlier about the fact that there will be no disposal of marital assets simplifying binders's rights to the house they own together.

Dear me, women have done this sort of thing - usually bcs women have HAD to - for millennia.

Yy there's the consummation issue - but she could have stumbled across the stuff in the attic on their 'wedding night' (bleurgh)

As I said, not everyone could do it (bcs these days we aren't as up against it as women have been for ever) but let's not get poe-faced about the idea. Not everyone, even these days in parts of the world, has the luxury of standing on a high moral hill.

My objection to trying this is that it is pointless, not that it is wrong.

I don't think any more lying or dishonest behaviour is going to improve the situation, regardless of which side it comes from...

Springy - your plan is not wise

And in fact would result in a great deal of damage and extra complication and no financial benefit at all.

Do people get a reward for good behaviour somehow from a universal court? A bad situation = be good and it'll work out in your favour. Doesn't work like that.

Look, I am NOT saying binder should do it, of course I'm not, but that it is not a stupid idea of itself. Obviously these days women have much more power - binder could earn more than wankstain, in which case it would be a crap idea eg.

Binder, come back sooooon. We are swinging about wildly here, major detours, in your absence

I do hope you've had a relaxing and peaceful break and you come home to an empty house.

Well er yes they do in areas of law where equitable principles are applied, they get penalised for bad behaviour anyway.

In this case though your suggestion is; a. Morally reprehensible, b. Potentially damaging to the op, her ex and therefore her DC emotionally and c. Would not confer any financial benefit at all.

It would be madness to consider it or suggest it IMO.

Binders will come back tomorrow to a full thread of bickering.

In order to marry him, she'd have to feign forgiveness, or at least acceptance, sleep with him, lie, calculate and deceive - in fact do precisely what he has been doing all these years.

Then when she dumps him post-wedding, he can make the case to colleagues family and friends that he is the wronged victim of a cold, calculating, cruel wife who tricked him into marriage and only did so for the money. She would end up the 'bad guy'.

Standing on the moral high hill isn't a 'luxury' for the OP thankfully. She is already there. She has done nothing wrong. To do what you suggest drags her down to his level (at the very least) not to mention she would have to have sex with the fucker for the duration of the deception.

I'd rather walk away penniless with my conscience intact and my head held high - in fact I did just that.

Springy you are a smashing poster, but sometimes you go slightly odd.